How long is too long time wise for truth telling to the BS?

[TurningTables]

Hi guys. 2sunny posted in my thread about telling my xMM W about him contacting me, the past and etc. Its been 7/8 months since Ive seen him, but he has contacted me every now and again, wanting to be friend, to talk to me. She said for me to stop being his victim, tell my own truth( tell her) and get him to leave me alone. I do want him to leave me alone. Im done and Im tired of the whole thing. Ive been trying to move on.

 

The thing is: Am I wanting to tell him W for the right reasons? Or am I wanting to tell her so that I can get back at him? Apart of me wants to see him squirm and lose everything! I want him to suffer for what he did to me, his W and any other woman he has deceived. Can I just up and ruin her life? I no longer have any proof of what was said because I deleted everything when I really went to NC, so I have no leg to stand on.

 

I know that this has been discussed over and over on here. But now that I am thinking about it (telling her) to get him to stop, I want anyones opinions. How in the world do you go about telling someone that their H has been doing these kinds of things and that you willing participated?

 

How late is too late?

[bentnotbroken]

Her last breath(or yours) would be too late, IMO.

[despicableME]

Can I just up and ruin her life?

 

Her life is already ruined... she just doesn't know it yet.

 

How late is too late?

 

Its never too late to tell the truth.

[pureinheart]

Just out of curiosity, why is telling her your problem?

 

This can be a two-sided coin IMO. Part of you wants payback and another part wants reconcilliation.

 

I RARELY ever advise on telling the BS, and in your case I say walk and don't look back.

 

Concerning "ruining lives", most of the time the marriage is already ruined before the AP enters the picture.

 

Hang in there and hope all works for you ((((((hugs)))))

[Gentlegirl]

When xMM contacts you do you respond? If you speak to him or answer emails, he will just keep on contacting you. YOu don't have to be a victim to him. Stop thinking like that TT . If you think you are , then you are. I do know that 7to 8 months is not a long time. I am 13 months now and at times the whole A notion drives my insane because I still haven't come to terms with it completely.

 

As for telling his wife... be clear what your motives are. Are you doing it because she deserves the truth or do you really just want to hurt him?

 

I would still weigh up very carefully if I could live with wrecking somebody else's life. Is she capable of making her way in the world alone if they split up? Are there children involved? Also is the marriage already wrecked anyway? So many questions to consider.

 

Would it give you and the W peace of mind if you tell her? That's an unknown for sure.

 

I do feel that you are on the verge of telling her. Just be sure that you can live the rest of your life with the knowledge that your actions caused .... well whatever will happen when you tell her. I'm probably not making much sense but that is how I would feel contemplating such a monumental decision.

 

I never for one moment felt the desire to hurt xMM in that way. I certainly had no desire to hurt his wife.

 

Good Luck Darlin.

 

GG

[KathyM]

Her life is already ruined... she just doesn't know it yet.

 

 

 

Its never too late to tell the truth.

Agreed. You'd be doing her a favor by telling her the truth. Nevermind what your motivation is, the truth is still the right thing to do. Otherwise, the guy will just move on to the next victim while his wife wastes her precious years with a guy who has no decency towards her. She deserves better than that. Do her a favor. Write her an anonymous letter with details if you don't want to face her, but do tip her off.

[woinlove]

As someone who once told a good friend her H was cheating on her because I couldn't stand to see her living the false reality he set up for her, I feel telling is an act of compassion and the way you would treat someone you cared about. I understand that one can be motivated by revenge and wanting someone to hurt (more often the xMP, but maybe sometimes the BS). Still, the end result is the same in giving the person the truth, if you can provide the information, possibly with documentation, in a way that let's them know they are getting the truth even if the MM/MW continues to lie.

 

So, I think telling the truth would be a good act, and you should feel good about taking this action. However, if you motivation is not kind, you may not be able to see the good in your action and could end up feeling worse about yourself. Also, given your role, there could be negative consequences for you, which is another factor to think about. Ultimately, I think most people would feel better telling the truth, but it does depend on the individual.

[donnamaybe]

Her life is already ruined... she just doesn't know it yet.

 

 

 

Its never too late to tell the truth.

 

Perfectly and succinctly stated!

[beenburned]

It's never too late to tell the BW the truth about her H.

 

Many wives sacrifice their careers/etc. for the best interest of the family unit.

Without the truth, she could be putting herself at a great financial disadvantage, by someone that doesn't have her best interest at heart.

[skywriter]

Just out of curiosity, why is telling her your problem?

 

This can be a two-sided coin IMO. Part of you wants payback and another part wants reconcilliation.

 

I RARELY ever advise on telling the BS, and in your case I say walk and don't look back.

 

Concerning "ruining lives", most of the time the marriage is already ruined before the AP enters the picture.

 

Hang in there and hope all works for you ((((((hugs)))))

 

 

 

I have to agree with the above. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't, on that subject. Leave their marital situation to them to work out and work on yourself. In the end that's what will happen anyway.

[frozensprouts]

while i really think the betrayed spouse has every right to know what is going on in his/her marriage, i don't think that the other man/woman is the one who should decide whether or not he/she deserves to know.

 

If the other man/woman wants to "spill the beans" because they merely want revenge or to relieve their own feelings of guilt, then this may not be the right reasons for telling...however, if they wish to tell the betrayed spouse what is going on out of a real desire to 'do the right thing' , then perhaps telling would be best...whether or not the betrayed spouse will welcome the information or even believe them is another issue.

 

perhaps a good 'test" would be if the other man/woman puts them selves in the shoes of the betrayed spouse...how would they feel, given the circumstances?

 

If someone is going to "spill the beans' doing so anonymously may be best...

[skywriter]

I"ve been in those shoes, a very close friend actually told me about my ex-H.

 

I questioned him, he denied and of course, it was never the same friendship for myself and my friend anymore. In the end my marriage ended and I'd lost my friend too.

[donnamaybe]

I"ve been in those shoes, a very close friend actually told me about my ex-H.

 

I questioned him, he denied and of course, it was never the same friendship for myself and my friend anymore. In the end my marriage ended and I'd lost my friend too.

 

Are you saying you would prefer to be oblivious to your spouse's cheating?

[bentnotbroken]

I"ve been in those shoes, a very close friend actually told me about my ex-H.

 

I questioned him, he denied and of course, it was never the same friendship for myself and my friend anymore. In the end my marriage ended and I'd lost my friend too.

 

 

And I have the opposite experience. I told and I was thanked for giving them an explanation of why things were off and they couldn't put their finger on it. Gas lighting is a biotch. I guess we all do bring our experiences to the table. The majority of posters(AP) here who have contemplated telling the BS have decided against. I have seen many reasons given(motivation seems to the be the most common)but in the end it all boils down to facing consequences and the willingness to accept that.

[skywriter]

I'm saying my friend telling me, consequently cost me to lose her friendship, because my H and I didn't split up, and he no longer felt comfortable having her around our home.

 

He never admitted to what she accused him of and it was her word against his. I wanted to believe her and and I wanted to believe him too.

 

He and I did eventually split up and "no" he wasn't faithful in the marriage.

 

I'm saying, it's not so cut and dry.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm saying my friend telling me, consequently cost me to lose her friendship, because my H and I didn't split up, and he no longer felt comfortable having her around our home.

 

He never admitted to what she accused him of and it was her word against his. I wanted to believe her and and I wanted to believe him too.

 

He and I did eventually split up and "no" he wasn't faithful in the marriage.

 

I'm saying, it's not so cut and dry.

 

 

I completely agree, it isn't cut and dry. Especially when you seek reasons not to. Convincing arguments can be made for either decision(as with most things in life) yet somehow it still (imo) boils down to the willingness to do something to help someone else even if that hurts. It seems your friend was willing to go that extra mile, even if it cost her your friendship.

[KathyM]

I"ve been in those shoes, a very close friend actually told me about my ex-H.

 

I questioned him, he denied and of course, it was never the same friendship for myself and my friend anymore. In the end my marriage ended and I'd lost my friend too.

You should have believed your friend. Our friends have our best interests at heart, if they are true friends. Naturally, a cheater will want to lie about the affair to save his own skin and keep his desired situation going.

[skywriter]

We all lost, all the way around. I wish she'd never said a word.

 

In the end, my H and I would've met with the same fate.

 

To each his own. What is good for one situation, isn't necessarilly good for everyones.

[donnamaybe]

We all lost, all the way around. I wish she'd never said a word.

 

In the end, my H and I would've met with the same fate.

 

To each his own. What is good for one situation, isn't necessarilly good for everyones.

 

Perhaps your friend telling made you aware of things you may not have noticed otherwise whether you know it or not. Had she not told you might have remained blissfully ignorant of his philandering -.until, that is, the doctor gave you news of an STD.

[KathyM]

We all lost, all the way around. I wish she'd never said a word.

 

In the end, my H and I would've met with the same fate.

 

To each his own. What is good for one situation, isn't necessarilly good for everyones.

You really would have preferred living in ignorant bliss? (No disrespect intended). I would say you are the exception to what most women would want IMO. It puts a woman's health in danger if her husband is sleeping around, and cheats her out of a life she could be living with an honest man if she were given the choice to leave based on knowledge of the truth. I guess if you got a divorce shortly after the affair ended, and you had never known about the affair, maybe that might have been a little less painful not to know, but then I would think that a woman who feels so disenchanted with her spouse to be getting a divorce wouldn't feel so devastated to get the truth if she's leaving him anyway. I would think she would feel validated in her decision to divorce him or in his decision to divorce her. I know a couple who were considering divorce and the husband cheated on her during their last waning years of marriage. She would have loved to know that information so she wouldn't have felt so torn and ambivalent about her decision to leave the guy.

[skywriter]

You should have believed your friend. Our friends have our best interests at heart, if they are true friends. Naturally, a cheater will want to lie about the affair to save his own skin and keep his desired situation going.

 

Oh yea, I believed her. It's a long story, but to make it as short as possible. My H was not easy to live with on his best day.

 

I was afraid of making him angry, and the price that came with that. I had to continue living with him until , he eventually up and left myself and the kids anyway.

 

I wasn't ignorant to what she told me. I had to keep my kids safe and stable.

[skywriter]

But yea, I missed my friend, I loved her so much. It was a terrible situation for her to find herself in. I wish she hadn't been put into that situation.

 

I couldn't change it at the time and when he was gone, we spoke and she wished me well. We never came back together as friends though.

 

I wasn't about to be the one to leave my house. I waited it out and he left. I ended up keeping the house and finished raising my kids there. It was pure hell to say the least until he left, but eventually, he did.

Edited January 24, 2012 by skywriter

[18Years2Late]

Hi TT,

*

I agree that there are a lot of variables to consider before embarking on this journey (and it will be a rough ride I assure you) especially since you say you have no intentions of "forcing his hand" to leave his M.* The #1 variable IMHO is if there are children involved?* If so, think about the affects to them of your decision to tell all "after the fact".* #2 variable IMHO would be does the BS know you, your family, and/or your friends/co-workers, etc.?* If so, keep in mind that depending on the BS's sanity status, this could get VERY ugly for you and your "new" life without xMM/BS.

*

Something that just recently happened for me (it will get to the point of your thread)...backstory:* the BS in my sitch has stalked/perstered/contacted (phone/email) me at least once a week since dday (1st one*12 months ago - 3rd one 7-8 months ago).* I did not "tell on" xMM.* He got caught.* However, I have told her the 100% truth to every question she has ever asked me.* About*1-2 months ago I finally had enough and set all her emails to go to the "delete" box on an email acct that xMM and I use to use.* She still writes, and I delete without response.* Didn't even bother me anymore.* Indifference!?!?!?* Maybe but I was feeling amazing better and in control by making the decision to do that.

*

Last*Tuesday I got an email from Facebook saying that I (or someone?) had requested to change my password???* No mystery who that was.* My 15 yo son says that I should check FB and make sure that my email address (my real one that I've had for 20 years) is not "public" and darn it, it was (I hardly ever use Facebook anymore).* Then on Thursday, I get an email to my "real" email account which is obviously from BS but she was using xMM's "real" email account.* So I responded with a "cease and desist" to what I 100% thought would be her since she has*told me previously that*only she has access to his emails now, and guess what?* xMM responded with a really SELF-SERVING email about how he was so sorry that his problems had entered my life again. Why does he care?* He doesn't.* He said multiple things that were only an futile attempt at some fake "evidence" to show her later.* But I did find out via that short response from him that he is still having nightly allegations from her that he is still talking to me, he is looking at my facebook page, knows my "real" email address, etc., etc.* I have not*"spoken" by any method to xMM in 8-9 months.* But the more I thought about it, it suddenly made sense.* The BS equates "18years is not talking to me/responding to my emails like she once was" = "xMM must be talking to 18years again".* Because of this childish assumption on her part, one email from xMM set me back a long way over the weekend.* I*felt*so sad/guilty.* So (finally)*I sent xMM a stern/semi-ugly email asking him to NEVER contact me again for any reason.* Didn't care if he was sorry for anything (which he's not) and I'm a big girl and*would handle her (BS) myself.* I ended that final email with this..."P.S. TELL "BS" THAT ON THE REALLY OFF CHANCE THAT I HAVE A MOMENTARY LAPSE OF REASON AND YOU AND I ARE EVER "CONTACTING" EACH OTHER AGAIN, SHE WILL BE THE VERY FIRST TO KNOW.* I HAVE HER # ON SPEEDDIAL".* Suddenly I felt relief...done...over.

*

Now for the point of that story...I think that since your xMM is still in (per you) "unwanted" contact with you, maybe you should try that approach 1st.* That you would tell his W right away just may call him off and then he's not your problem anymore.* If their M had any shred of hope prior to your A, the BS can tell something is "off" and she is aware of WAY more than you know, and it's possible she is choosing to ignore it.* If not, that's her problem, not yours.* The truth will come out eventually and that's HIS problem, not yours.* Having said that...IF she does find out by some other method and SHE*contacts you, answer ALL of her questions with 100% honesty.* Nothing more, nothing less.* You owe her the truth, but only if she asks.* Why get re-envolved in a very, very ugly mess that you have already walked away from (assuming you have).* I think you may need to do some deep soul searching and examine your reason for wanting to tell BS and your reasons for not wanting to tell xMM once and for all to stop contacting you.* Time to get mad.* Time to get ugly.* Believe me I understand the reservation to do that.* I never wanted to hurt xMM or be mean and ugly to him.* After all, I love him.* But I did and it was time and it felt good.

*

Back to the children issue...my xMM has*2 teen and pre-teen children.* Because of BS's maturity level, sanity status and her inability to*cope with the trauma that has been inserted into her life (yes 50% my fault),*they are fully aware and are subject to the daily drama, fights, discussions, arrests for spousal abuse (the BS not xMM), etc., etc.* I feel EXCEPTIONAL guilt for my part in that.* I've almost never felt guilty towards BS simply because of her actions for the last year.* I understand that infidelity rocks your soul to the very core no matter what side of the triangle you are on, but as a mother, I would go to my grave trying never involving my children in something so traumatic to them.* She does it purposely because she knows it hurts xMM to see his children hurt and to know that he caused that hurt.* I caused that (50%) and it haunts me everyday.* If your xMM has kids...something to think about.

*

Sorry so long. I don't post very often anymore but sometimes I just can't help myself. I hope that helps you see what could happen...Good Luck with your decision...18

[KathyM]

Oh yea, I believed her. It's a long story, but to make it as short as possible. My H was not easy to live with on his best day.

 

I was afraid of making him angry, and the price that came with that. I had to continue living with him until , he eventually up and left myself and the kids anyway.

 

I wasn't ignorant to what she told me. I had to keep my kids safe and stable.

The sooner a BS knows the real truth about their situation, the sooner they are able to start the road to recovery, whether that is on their own or with reconciling with their spouse. It sounds like your husband was an all around bad guy to be married to. I just feel sorry for those women who are cheated out of living a life with an honest man. They suffer double blows in an undisclosed affair. A dishonest husband and they are also robbed of the chance to live life with someone who would be honest with them.

[KathyM]

The truth often does not come out after an affair, unless someone is willing to tell it. You can be sure the WS is not eager to share that information. He just wants his situation to continue to suit his selfish interests--being able to keep that wife/family/financial situation plus that action on the side. So self-serving. Time to blow that guy out of the water. And if there is any concerns about repercussions to you, send an anonymous letter or anonymous email, or an anonymous phone call with a prepaid phone that can't be traced if that is your concern.