How long is too long time wise for truth telling to the BS?

[pureinheart]

My impression is that the majority of BS say tell and the majority of OW and fOW say don't tell.

 

Most people, whether they be BS, OW or fOW do give their reasons for saying what they say, so I'm not sure why you are asking why BS say "tell" when most have actually given their reasons.

 

It's clear there's disagreement about this, but I would have thought that reading the responses will tell you why people do or don't advocate disclosure.

 

You are quite incorrect when you say that people never qualify their advice or check into the situation before advising.

 

For those that continually advocate disclosure I have yet to see it.

[Summer Breeze]

And you are only discussing it because HE won't leave you the hell alone!

 

I say tell her - now. You gave him fair warning, and he's basically flipping you a huge, rigid middle finger.

 

Amen Sista. He's had a warning shot and now it's time to follow through.

 

My BFF came to me the night I confronted my xH. She had no idea I suspected let alone had confronted him. Her opening words were 'I know I may lose you over this but I'd rather lose you by telling you than having to tell you I knew after you found out.' I was amazed that she cared enough for me to risk our friendship. She cared more for me than the man I was married to.

[imperfectangel]

I've often wondered this but I can't see what good could come from telling her. If he decided to then fine but its not my place I didn't cheat on her, he did

[Summer Breeze]

I've often wondered this but I can't see what good could come from telling her. If he decided to then fine but its not my place I didn't cheat on her, he did

 

If an xMM doesn't take the hint that she wants NC and insists on contacting her then why shouldn't the BS be told? He's made the decision to be home and continue the M then that's just what he should doing. If an OW decides to get out of the situation and has left as gracefully as she can then why should she have to put up with someone who won't take no for an answer?

[imperfectangel]

If I were in that situation I would take appropriate measures so that I couldn't be contacted ie change my numbers/email etc

 

There are ways to stop people contacting you if that's what you truly want

[woinlove]

I've often wondered this but I can't see what good could come from telling her. If he decided to then fine but its not my place I didn't cheat on her, he did

 

I don't think it is necessary to cheat on the BS in order to tell her the truth. In fact, it usually seems the opposite - the less involved one is in the betrayal, the more likely one might tell. A friend or relative might tell, sometimes the couple's children tell if they discover the A first. Sometimes an unknowing OW tells when she discovers the man is actually married/involved and lied about that - there was one example posted here just a day or two ago.

 

It is less likely an OW who knew he was married would tell because typically she would have accepted the terms of him being married and the need to keep the A secret from the BW or from people who might inform the BW. Still, it is a pact of deception and I don't think anyone should feel compelled to uphold such a pact if their perspective on it changes. Or, in this case, when the A is over and xMM continues to harass her. But, often there are reasons of self-interest for an OW/OM not to tell.

[Summer Breeze]

In all honesty I think the OW/OM are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Telling the BS can be seen as selfish in some circumstances and selfless in others. No matter the reasons there's a blurry place that people will see and question. I think the length of time is up to the individual, as has been said in here before. I do think that it is a good tool to keep the xMM at bay.

 

Imperfect Angel I agree that if there is a distance and no overlapping in day to day life yoou can change numbers and emails. What about the many who work together or live on the same street? This isn't an economy where you can up and leave a job or a home easily. I agree that's what should happen but reality is a mother sometimes and makes it so yuo can't upsticks and go.

[donnamaybe]

Amen Sista. He's had a warning shot and now it's time to follow through.

 

My BFF came to me the night I confronted my xH. She had no idea I suspected let alone had confronted him. Her opening words were 'I know I may lose you over this but I'd rather lose you by telling you than having to tell you I knew after you found out.' I was amazed that she cared enough for me to risk our friendship. She cared more for me than the man I was married to.

Her words to you proved how much she cared about you. More than the friendship. That may sound odd, but it's actually a beautiful thing. She was willing to selflessly lose you in her life to do the right thing for you. What a truly wonderful friend!

[bentnotbroken]

For those that continually advocate disclosure I have yet to see it.

The reasons I say tell:

• no one deserves to live their OWN life in a lie(after all as mentioned multiple times on here...you only get one)
  
• everyone should have a choice about whether or not they wish to expose themselves to potential sexual diseases, financial ruin, unstable affair partners, and who may or may not be privy to their personal life details.
  
• everyone deserves the truth in order to make fully informed life choices.
  
• people deserve the right to decide who/what their children are exposed to and when.
  
• people do not deserve be made to feel unstable, less than or responsible for actions that they aren't even aware of.
  

I will always advocate telling the BS(I don't care from who or what the motives are) except in the case of telling the BS at the funeral of the WS. Yes, these thoughts come from my own experience and the experience of others I have met. Yes, I will only see it that way and no other...I believe honesty is the way to peace for all involved.

 

I believe that the Word speaks of going to the person you have wronged and asking forgiveness. While I don't know if everyone should ask forgiveness(especially if you feel you have done nothing to be forgiven for...no use in wasting that breath. One might want it at the end of their life.)but I do believe in telling the person you wronged the entire truth and why if one is aware of it.

 

The situation matters only to someone still wanting to maintain minimal if any consequences to themselves(yes, I know this is human nature and we either evolve to living life honestly in all aspects or not). Some people are there, other striving, others will never make in spite of good intentions and others could give a flying feck one way or the other.

[OpenBook]

Oh my goodness you just do not get it. Because it is AFTER THE FACT. They already inserted themselves squarely in the middle of the marriage and changed the marriage.

 

There's where you're wrong. The OW didn't do any "inserting" or "changing" - the WS did all that. It's his marriage. The OP is not a part of it.

 

The BS has a right to know why her marriage was changed and you dear are the reason The mm does not have the balls to do it. If he did he would not be diddling two women.

 

Where's she been then, in her own marriage? Is she not paying any attention? And who exactly has granted her this "right to know"? Answer: the WS, when he made a vow to her on their wedding day. So take it up with him.

 

And wow, so the OW comes along and suddenly your H is ball-less? That's an awful lot of power you're giving away.

 

You had the nerve to enter into the affair so have the nerve to face up to it and let the bs know why her life is so off kilter.

 

Oh OK, give the BW an unsolicited update on her own marriage? I don't think so. The BW needs to take it up with her WH. They're the ones who made the vows to each other. They're responsible for their own state of wedlock. No one else.

 

The OW is not the cause of the breakdown in the marriage. Just the after-effect of it.

 

The BW needs to grow a pair and sit up and start paying attention to her own marriage. She'll find out everything she needs to know if she would actually start working on it.

[TurningTables]

Hi. I really wanted to thank everyone's input about this. Its amazing to see so many POV's. I agree with alot of what was said. The only thing that bothered me greatly is that a few posters said that what we did wasent cheating. This man and I were very close to a PA. When he was going to introduce me to his child, said he couldnt trust himself around me anymore, that Im his sounding board, that he cares about me more than anything..etc If these things are not cheating on his W, I dont know what is.

 

xMM wrote to me. I wrote back to him (again) that we could not be friends that nothing has changed. He blabbed the same stuff Ive heard before. You will be my "good" friend no matter what in my book..etc..etc. I told him how would his W feel about us communicating? I stated its not fair to anyone, most of all me. He ended up writing back to me, saying if this is how I feel, so be it and I havent heard anything since. He has stayed away from me.

Im ready to deal with the anger and sadness now. Im ready to let it all go and move on. It all sounds so good seeing myself type it, but its harder than that. You know, how they say time heals everything? Im still waiting.

[Gentlegirl]

I am hoping he is truly gone and doesn't contact you again.

 

I pretty much said the same to xMM and he has stayed away.

 

Anway, yes now you can begin the healing. It can go any which way..

 

YOu will be upset by the smallest memory when you least expect it and it will take time. I know everybody says it takes time but that's true.

 

Just be grateful that you have come up empty handed.

 

GG

[Lostinlife4now]

There's where you're wrong. The OW didn't do any "inserting" or "changing" - the WS did all that. It's his marriage. The OP is not a part of it.

 

 

 

Where's she been then, in her own marriage? Is she not paying any attention? And who exactly has granted her this "right to know"? Answer: the WS, when he made a vow to her on their wedding day. So take it up with him.

 

And wow, so the OW comes along and suddenly your H is ball-less? That's an awful lot of power you're giving away.

 

 

Oh OK, give the BW an unsolicited update on her own marriage? I don't think so. The BW needs to take it up with her WH. They're the ones who made the vows to each other. They're responsible for their own state of wedlock. No one else.

 

The OW is not the cause of the breakdown in the marriage. Just the after-effect of it.

 

The BW needs to grow a pair and sit up and start paying attention to her own marriage. She'll find out everything she needs to know if she would actually start working on it.

 

I AGREE 10000000000000% with this statement!!!!!!!

[frozensprouts]

T

 

 

Where's she been then, in her own marriage? Is she not paying any attention? And who exactly has granted her this "right to know"? Answer: the WS, when he made a vow to her on their wedding day. So take it up with him.

 

And wow, so the OW comes along and suddenly your H is ball-less? That's an awful lot of power you're giving away.

 

 

 

Oh OK, give the BW an unsolicited update on her own marriage? I don't think so. The BW needs to take it up with her WH. They're the ones who made the vows to each other. They're responsible for their own state of wedlock. No one else.

 

The OW is not the cause of the breakdown in the marriage. Just the after-effect of it.

 

The BW needs to grow a pair and sit up and start paying attention to her own marriage. She'll find out everything she needs to know if she would actually start working on it.

 

 

this attitude never ceases to amaze me...

 

is this same standard applied to other men/women who believe the lies that married people tell them? After all, isn't it more believable that a husband/wife, who has lived with their spouse for years, loves and trusts them would believe that they wouldn't cheat? If it's understandable that the other men/woman would believe the lies and deception that a married person would tell, then it's every bit as believable that a spouse would believe them too.

 

The only time that your attitude seems to hold any water is in a situation where an unhappy spouse actually TELLS their spouse they are unhappy. Unfortuneately, all too often , this "unhappiness" doesn't become apparent to the spouse until they meet the other man/woman, and then all of a sudden "I'm unhappy", " we are more like roommates/brother and sister/parent and child/ owner an houseplant/ whatever", "my husband/wife doesn't understand me", etc., etc. etc.....

funny thing is that a lot of the time, when their spouse finds out about the cheating and tells the cheater to go, they beg to stay...guess the marriage wasn't so bad after all...too bad it took hurting so many people for the wayward spouse to figure that one out