How long is too long time wise for truth telling to the BS?

[Gentlegirl]

GG here.

 

Would you tell a BS who is almost 70 that her husband who is almost 70 also had a 3 year affair not long ago?

 

They are both retired, living on pensions, no growing kids an issue.

 

She has been married to him for about 50 years, so odds are she knows a thing or two about him.

 

I'm writing about my xMM of course. In the long run, the W would probably not remarry, probably not even leave the M. Finances would not permit them to split up.

 

I cannot imagine though, how it would feel to find out that for three years of your life, you had NO idea what was really happening to you. It would be life changing to say the least.

 

What advantage would you see in my telling her under the circumstances?

 

I do agree Kathy that there are situations where the A never comes to light. I lived in a completely different part of the city and xMM and I had no common ties in our frienship or family circles. It can happen.

 

Would appreciate your thoughts and Bent's as well as anybody else who would like to contribute.

 

Thank you so much

 

Cheers from Australia.

[woinlove]

I'm saying my friend telling me, consequently cost me to lose her friendship, because my H and I didn't split up, and he no longer felt comfortable having her around our home.

 

He never admitted to what she accused him of and it was her word against his. I wanted to believe her and and I wanted to believe him too.

 

He and I did eventually split up and "no" he wasn't faithful in the marriage.

 

I'm saying, it's not so cut and dry.

 

But I wonder if your friend feels it was the right decision for her? Maybe her self-respect and how she viewed herself was important enough? I know for me, I would have felt bad interacting with my friend and keeping that secret from her. She also stayed married (and still is many years later) and it did affect my interactions with her husband, although he didn't deny the information I had. Still, my friend didn't let it affect our R and neither did I.

 

Keeping a secret of this type from a friend is likely to erode the friendship and so, while there is a chance the friendship will erode anyway, I think it is best to chose the path that makes you feel good about your actions.

 

Since the OP is not friends with the BS, the balance is different. But, ultimately, I think she should choose what makes her feel good about how she is acting and treating others, as well as herself, because I think that is very important and not something anyone else can give you.

Edited January 24, 2012 by woinlove

[Star Gazer]

Why not just tell him in no uncertain terms that if he contacts you one more time about absolutely anything at all that you will tell her everything? I think the threat alone would be enough to make him run for the hills.

[KathyM]

GG here.

 

Would you tell a BS who is almost 70 that her husband who is almost 70 also had a 3 year affair not long ago?

 

They are both retired, living on pensions, no growing kids an issue.

 

She has been married to him for about 50 years, so odds are she knows a thing or two about him.

 

I'm writing about my xMM of course. In the long run, the W would probably not remarry, probably not even leave the M. Finances would not permit them to split up.

 

I cannot imagine though, how it would feel to find out that for three years of your life, you had NO idea what was really happening to you. It would be life changing to say the least.

 

What advantage would you see in my telling her under the circumstances?

 

I do agree Kathy that there are situations where the A never comes to light. I lived in a completely different part of the city and xMM and I had no common ties in our frienship or family circles. It can happen.

 

Would appreciate your thoughts and Bent's as well as anybody else who would like to contribute.

 

Thank you so much

 

Cheers from Australia.

Hi, GG. The advantages for the BS in this situation if she were told would be that she would finally be able to have an honest life, a genuine life, that she is an active participant in. Her husband is still actively pursuing outside affairs. You said not long ago that he contacted you, and that he had a profile on a dating website, so he is still cheating or at least pursuing that lifestyle. I think most people, if not all, do want honesty in their relationships. She may not know there was even a problem in their relationship. If she knew that there was, and she wished to stay with him, she would have the opportunity to restore their marriage through counseling. If she honestly didn't care that he was seeking others, then the letter would not have an effect. But I'll bet she probably does care, and she may even be having her own health put at risk by his philandering. We can't assume that he doesn't have sex with his wife. That's a myth that older people don't have sex, so she may be subjected to an STD one of these days from her philandering husband. The rates for STDs are on the rise in the elderly population. I just did a presentation in my counseling class on the myth that elderly people are not sexually active, and the issue that they are experiencing STDs now in greater numbers. Can you imagine how devastating it would be for a woman that age to find she has an STD? Keeping her in the dark is not the answer, especially since he is still cheating on her.

[SidLyon]

GG here.

 

Would you tell a BS who is almost 70 that her husband who is almost 70 also had a 3 year affair not long ago?

 

They are both retired, living on pensions, no growing kids an issue.

 

She has been married to him for about 50 years, so odds are she knows a thing or two about him.

 

I'm writing about my xMM of course. In the long run, the W would probably not remarry, probably not even leave the M. Finances would not permit them to split up.

 

I cannot imagine though, how it would feel to find out that for three years of your life, you had NO idea what was really happening to you. It would be life changing to say the least.

 

What advantage would you see in my telling her under the circumstances?

 

I do agree Kathy that there are situations where the A never comes to light. I lived in a completely different part of the city and xMM and I had no common ties in our frienship or family circles. It can happen.

 

Would appreciate your thoughts and Bent's as well as anybody else who would like to contribute.

 

Thank you so much

 

Cheers from Australia.

 

Hi, GG. The advantages for the BS in this situation if she were told would be that she would finally be able to have an honest life, a genuine life, that she is an active participant in. Her husband is still actively pursuing outside affairs. You said not long ago that he contacted you, and that he had a profile on a dating website, so he is still cheating or at least pursuing that lifestyle. I think most people, if not all, do want honesty in their relationships. She may not know there was even a problem in their relationship. If she knew that there was, and she wished to stay with him, she would have the opportunity to restore their marriage through counseling. If she honestly didn't care that he was seeking others, then the letter would not have an effect. But I'll bet she probably does care, and she may even be having her own health put at risk by his philandering. We can't assume that he doesn't have sex with his wife. That's a myth that older people don't have sex, so she may be subjected to an STD one of these days from her philandering husband. The rates for STDs are on the rise in the elderly population. I just did a presentation in my counseling class on the myth that elderly people are not sexually active, and the issue that they are experiencing STDs now in greater numbers. Can you imagine how devastating it would be for a woman that age to find she has an STD? Keeping her in the dark is not the answer, especially since he is still cheating on her.

 

I'm not nearly 70 but I am in my 50s.

 

I found out about the 3.5 year affair nearly 7 years after it started and more than 3 years after it was technically over.

 

So I can really relate to the post-A discovery. It caused me to feel that I'd been living a lie for many years. I felt cheated of a good family life.

 

The thing is, if the BW never finds out about the A, the problems in the marriage do not miraculously resolve themselves even if the A is over. The WH can continue to yearn for something he's not getting in the marriage while at the same time denying to his BW that there is any problem to fix. The BW wonders why things have gone so wrong but also wonders why nothing is getting better.

 

The d-day utterly blindsided me but as a result my fWH and I have been able to resolve many of our problems together with us both "knowing the score". It's my firm belief that this would/could not have happened without a d-day.

 

Of course we might have broken up too, but as it turned out d-day caused both of us to really evaluate where we wanted to be and who we wanted to be with.

 

We were fortunate in that finances were not an issue for us and nor did we have a marriage with problems of addiction and domestic abuse.

 

It's my belief that the BW should know in nearly all circumstances, irrespective of age or financial circumstances. I'm sure it's possible for me think of a scenario where I think the BW shouldn't know. Eg the A was many years ago, the BW's on her deathbed and the fWH has made a concerted effort for many years to be a good and devoted H.

 

But if he hasn't fixed himself or the marriage and is still looking for EMAs then I say tell the BW.

 

PS. This applies equally in reverse for a WW and BH. Oh and it's just my opinion as an older woman who found out years later.

[woinlove]

We all lost, all the way around. I wish she'd never said a word.

 

In the end, my H and I would've met with the same fate.

 

To each his own. What is good for one situation, isn't necessarilly good for everyones.

 

I can understand you saying you lost if you would rather not know the truth and I can understand a WS losing if they don't want you to know the truth, but how did your friend lose? Had she kept this secret from you, she might have suffered a loss of self-esteem feeling she was betraying you.

I know I would have felt that way just by looking at my friend before I told her, I felt I couldn't do that to her - keep acting like everything was fine when I knew it wasn't. My friendship would have been fake.

 

I would definitely have regretted losing my friend after telling her the truth, but I think I could not have kept the same kind of friendship without telling her, and so I would choose honesty anyway - even faced with those two outcomes.

[SidLyon]

I can understand you saying you lost if you would rather not know the truth and I can understand a WS losing if they don't want you to know the truth, but how did your friend lose? Had she kept this secret from you, she might have suffered a loss of self-esteem feeling she was betraying you.

I know I would have felt that way just by looking at my friend before I told her, I felt I couldn't do that to her - keep acting like everything was fine when I knew it wasn't. My friendship would have been fake.

 

I would definitely have regretted losing my friend after telling her the truth, but I think I could not have kept the same kind of friendship without telling her, and so I would choose honesty anyway - even faced with those two outcomes.

 

I agree.

 

I am struggling with this at the moment. The problem is I have no definite "proof" just a strong suspicion. If I knew for sure and it was someone close to me I'd say. I have done this before and it adversely affected the friendship.

 

Even though I know it might upset the friendship I would still speak up because of my own feelings of dishonesty in "participating" in betraying my friend by keeping it a secret. Sadly it would be yet another unfortunate consequences of the WS's decision to have an affair.

[RecordProducer]

I wouldn't tell her at this point for a few reasons:

• It's their marriage and you're no longer willingly in the picture, so it's not up to you to cause them trouble now
  
• You participated in the affair so your hands are not clean either
  
• You want to move forward, not backward, and telling his wife will drag you back and down
  
• You don't know what her reaction may be (or his) - one of them could go after you and try to destroy your life, too
  
• MM will think you still love him and want him back
  
• You don't need this, you made a mistake that hurt you, you knew he was married, you knew he was a liar and a cheater, so don't try to convince yourself that you're HIS victim - you're a victim of your decision to be with him
  

Don't pick up the phone when he calls. If he calls from a hidden number, hang up as soon as you hear his voice. Don't write back if he emails you and don't say hi if you run onto him in the street. You have to move on and neither talking to him nor telling his wife will help you do that.

The game's over. You have to get up and go home.

Edited January 25, 2012 by RecordProducer

[MissBee]

while i really think the betrayed spouse has every right to know what is going on in his/her marriage, i don't think that the other man/woman is the one who should decide whether or not he/she deserves to know.

 

If the other man/woman wants to "spill the beans" because they merely want revenge or to relieve their own feelings of guilt, then this may not be the right reasons for telling...however, if they wish to tell the betrayed spouse what is going on out of a real desire to 'do the right thing' , then perhaps telling would be best...whether or not the betrayed spouse will welcome the information or even believe them is another issue.

perhaps a good 'test" would be if the other man/woman puts them selves in the shoes of the betrayed spouse...how would they feel, given the circumstances?

 

If someone is going to "spill the beans' doing so anonymously may be best...

 

I have to agree with this!

[TurningTables]

Hi. Thank you for everyone who responded.

 

To answer some basic questions I got:

 

Yes, He does have a young child.

 

No, I do not know his W. I have never met her.

 

No, I dont want to reconcile with him, nor be his friend.

 

Yes, I have already threaten him about telling her.

 

All I want to do is get him to stop. I want him to leave me alone once and for all. Its funny, in the beginning when I saw all the fOW posting about their xMM contacting them, wanting to be with them after the A was over, I was like..Where is my xMM? Now I know different. You see, he lets 3 or 4 months pass by. I get stronger ( trust me, I was broken when it fell apart) and I start moving on with my life. Then, he shows up out of no-where. Its like I am constantly taking 3 steps forward and 5 steps back. He even pulled up behind me one day last month at a stoplight.

 

I want this end. Yes, it would be nice to see him "get his" for what he did. Because I sure as hell paid a huge price with my family and friends for what I did.

 

Overall, I thought that if I told her, it would stop him. I dont know what else to do.

 

PS. I am so sick of hearing myself whine about this. I am so sick of saying Im sick and tired. Who is this person? Certainly not TT.

[SidLyon]

Hi. Thank you for everyone who responded.

 

To answer some basic questions I got:

 

Yes, He does have a young child.

 

No, I do not know his W. I have never met her.

 

No, I dont want to reconcile with him, nor be his friend.

 

Yes, I have already threaten him about telling her.

 

All I want to do is get him to stop. I want him to leave me alone once and for all. Its funny, in the beginning when I saw all the fOW posting about their xMM contacting them, wanting to be with them after the A was over, I was like..Where is my xMM? Now I know different. You see, he lets 3 or 4 months pass by. I get stronger ( trust me, I was broken when it fell apart) and I start moving on with my life. Then, he shows up out of no-where. Its like I am constantly taking 3 steps forward and 5 steps back. He even pulled up behind me one day last month at a stoplight.

 

I want this end. Yes, it would be nice to see him "get his" for what he did. Because I sure as hell paid a huge price with my family and friends for what I did.

 

Overall, I thought that if I told her, it would stop him. I dont know what else to do.

 

It sounds like you need to do this for yourself.

 

You could either tell her and let her know that you will tell her every time he contacts you, and then follow through. Or next time you have an opportunity let him know that you will tell her if he ever contacts you again and that you will do so every time. Either way you must follow through with what you say.

 

It sounds like you've threatened him before and not followed through, so I would recommend you just do it as if you do the same thing again (threaten but not follow through) he isn't going to stop because he knows it's just talk on your part. There's no need to warn him again if you've already done so and if you don't follow through you'll just look weak.

 

Just so you know I'm a BW and would have appreciated it someone had told me, even if it was the OW. I believe the majority of BW feel the same way as me but not all of them. Either way it's not your concern as you have no way of finding out.

[RecordProducer]

All I want to do is get him to stop. I want him to leave me alone once and for all.

I am not buying this. How do you know telling his wife will get him to stop? I think you want to stop their marriage and be with him as a single man. But if that's the way of getting him to be yours, then he willcheat on you, too, until some woman comes and tells you.

 

Yes, it would be nice to see him "get his" for what he did. Because I sure as hell paid a huge price with my family and friends for what I did.

Overall, I thought that if I told her, it would stop him. I dont know what else to do.

 

PS. I am so sick of hearing myself whine about this. I am so sick of saying Im sick and tired. Who is this person? Certainly not TT.

Then tell her and get over with it. You don't need emails as proof, you must know a lot about him, you know what he is like in bed, right? She will know how to get her proof at home: cell phone logs, emails, she'll remember when he smelled like female perfume or came back home late. Don't worry about her not beliving you.

[TurningTables]

I am not buying this. How do you know telling his wife will get him to stop? I think you want to stop their marriage and be with him as a single man. But if that's the way of getting him to be yours, then he willcheat on you, too, until some woman comes and tells you.

 

Then tell her and get over with it. You don't need emails as proof, you must know a lot about him, you know what he is like in bed, right? She will know how to get her proof at home: cell phone logs, emails, she'll remember when he smelled like female perfume or came back home late. Don't worry about her not beliving you.

 

 

RP: All I can say is WOW to this post. You might want to read someone's back story before you make a comment such as this. The fact is we had a EA NOT a PA. Also: I am the one who ENDED it. If I wanted to blow his M out of the water, I would and could have done this back in May. I had everything I needed to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that we were having a EA. But, I didnt. I walked away.

[RecordProducer]

RP: All I can say is WOW to this post. You might want to read someone's back story before you make a comment such as this. The fact is we had a EA NOT a PA. Also: I am the one who ENDED it. If I wanted to blow his M out of the water, I would and could have done this back in May. I had everything I needed to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that we were having a EA. But, I didnt. I walked away.

Then he didn't really cheat. Don't tell his wife.

[pureinheart]

I have to agree with the above. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't, on that subject. Leave their marital situation to them to work out and work on yourself. In the end that's what will happen anyway.

 

 

No doubt! I really think it depends on the situation, length of the EMA, and many other factors come into play...

 

Hey, come on people, why do a lot of the posters, mainly speaking of regulars (mostly BS's and reformed) (FTR not all of the usuals posted in this thread that advocate disclosure), advocate telling the BS???? There never even is a disclaimer of check out the situation first????

 

Give a BS a little credit here!!!!! If it was a short affair, then depending on the situation maybe ya tell them (no matter what the motivation is). Hell, I knew and my ex was 3000mi away and I only spoke with him here and there due to his work schedule. I only has his "tone" to go by and I caught him bigtime.

 

Personally I think the BS's are more attuned to their marriage than given credit for.

[dreamingoftigers]

Then he didn't really cheat. Don't tell his wife.

 

in this case i wouldn't tell

[KathyM]

I'd still vote for telling the BS. An EA is just as bad as a PA. It still constitutes steeling the affections of a husband away from his wife. It's still a dishonest thing to do. It harms the marriage. It violates the marriage. The guy is still an @ss for developing an emotional romantic relationship with another woman. Marriage counselors believe EAs are actually more harmful than PAs, and require just as much, if not more, effort to recover from. I still think the BS should be told so that they can either start to repair the damage done, or they can realize the marriage is over. If it's not disclosed, he'll probably do it again. If it is disclosed, they have a chance to move forward.

[SidLyon]

...

 

Hey, come on people, why do a lot of the posters, mainly speaking of regulars (mostly BS's and reformed) (FTR not all of the usuals posted in this thread that advocate disclosure), advocate telling the BS???? There never even is a disclaimer of check out the situation first????

 

...

 

My impression is that the majority of BS say tell and the majority of OW and fOW say don't tell.

 

Most people, whether they be BS, OW or fOW do give their reasons for saying what they say, so I'm not sure why you are asking why BS say "tell" when most have actually given their reasons.

 

It's clear there's disagreement about this, but I would have thought that reading the responses will tell you why people do or don't advocate disclosure.

 

You are quite incorrect when you say that people never qualify their advice or check into the situation before advising.

[woinlove]

No doubt! I really think it depends on the situation, length of the EMA, and many other factors come into play...

 

Hey, come on people, why do a lot of the posters, mainly speaking of regulars (mostly BS's and reformed) (FTR not all of the usuals posted in this thread that advocate disclosure), advocate telling the BS???? There never even is a disclaimer of check out the situation first????

 

Give a BS a little credit here!!!!! If it was a short affair, then depending on the situation maybe ya tell them (no matter what the motivation is). Hell, I knew and my ex was 3000mi away and I only spoke with him here and there due to his work schedule. I only has his "tone" to go by and I caught him bigtime.

 

Personally I think the BS's are more attuned to their marriage than given credit for.

 

If the BS already has the truth, then I don't see what the harm is. There isn't any reason to tell in that case, but one may not know. Since I have an open M, I can relate to this. If this happened to me (someone not involved, so they wouldn't know what I know) I would likely tell the person that I know, it is fine, and thank them for their concern.

[pureinheart]

If the BS already has the truth, then I don't see what the harm is. There isn't any reason to tell in that case, but one may not know. Since I have an open M, I can relate to this. If this happened to me (someone not involved, so they wouldn't know what I know) I would likely tell the person that I know, it is fine, and thank them for their concern.

 

This was just one of many possible senarios concerning telling the BS. It's just not a good idea, it's not the responsibility of the OM/OW to tell the BS, it's not their marriage. How many times do we hear the disdain of the BS concerning the OM/OW "inserting" themselves in the marriage...why should telling them be any different?

[beenburned]

I totally missed the fact that it was an EA, rather than a PA!!!

 

Even though he didn't committ adultery with you, he was still betraying his wife/marriage.

 

It sounds almost like he makes a habit of making passes at women, hoping to eventually score a hit.

 

I would still tell, as I suspect he is a serial cheater that has gotten away with it so far.

 

Therefore the wife needs to be informed so she will be aware that she needs to keep close tabs on him.

[frozensprouts]

i have thought about this some more, and I really do believe that a betrayed spouse has every right to know what is going on in her/his life that may cause harm to them.

 

This van range from anything to health/emotional issues, financial issues, even issues with their spouses other man/woman having a somewhat ( and I am trying to be nice here) "unstable personality" ( I know this is the exception, but it can and does happen from time to time).

 

There are some of us who are "betrayed spouses' who honestly had absolutely no idea that our spouses were in an affair until it was too late and the damage had been done- maybe we are to trusting, maybe we are naive, but we didn't know.

 

Is the other man/woman the right person to "spill the beans"? Again, I will say it depends largely on motive. If the other man/woman is considering telling because they feel guilty and want to feel better, this may not be the right reason to tell the betrayed spouse what has been going on...one feels the guilt is too much, then let the betrayed spouse know in an anonymous fashion. If one wants to tell because they feel they owe the betrayed spouse the truth, or because they feel it is the right thing to do or want to help the betrayed spouse by allowing them to have information that may help them to make the best possible life choices, then telling may be the right choice, and if one feels they are up to maybe even talking with the betrayed spouse about what happened and answering questions about it, then by all means, do so. But be prepared for the fact that you may be the absolute last person on earth the betrayed spouse wants to hear from. You may find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, but if you can deal with that, then go ahead.

If you are telling to betrayed spouse about the affair because you are angry, want to gloat or hope that the betrayed spouse may kick their spouse out and they will come to you, well, maybe these aren't the best reasons to tell.

If you are telling because you are angry at your former affair partner, telling the spouse may cause more problems than it solves. You may end up feeling even worse.

If you are telling because you want to gloat ( i would think this would be a relatively rare occurrence), the I think you should get some therapy, as you sound like someone who is a knob.

If you are telling because you hope the betrayed spouse will be so angry that the marriage will end and your affair partner will be "free' to come and be with you ( again I would think this is not the "norm' for a reason for telling), I would advise you to really consider if you would really benefit from that...it may not be as great as it would seem at first thought.

 

To summarize, I would say to strongly consider your reasons for telling, if you can spill the beans anonymously then do so. That way, you will have let the betrayed spouse have the information they need to make the bets choices in their life...provide evidence of the affair ( if you can), and if the betrayed spouses chooses to ignore your information, that is up to them. If you feel like it would be most helpful to actually talk to them (either via email, phone, in person, etc.), then do so, but be prepared for a negative reaction)

 

as a betrayed spouse, would have been - in time- glad if someone had told me what was going on, but no one did

[donnamaybe]

Hi. Thank you for everyone who responded.

 

To answer some basic questions I got:

 

Yes, He does have a young child.

 

No, I do not know his W. I have never met her.

 

No, I dont want to reconcile with him, nor be his friend.

 

Yes, I have already threaten him about telling her.

 

All I want to do is get him to stop. I want him to leave me alone once and for all. Its funny, in the beginning when I saw all the fOW posting about their xMM contacting them, wanting to be with them after the A was over, I was like..Where is my xMM? Now I know different. You see, he lets 3 or 4 months pass by. I get stronger ( trust me, I was broken when it fell apart) and I start moving on with my life. Then, he shows up out of no-where. Its like I am constantly taking 3 steps forward and 5 steps back. He even pulled up behind me one day last month at a stoplight.

 

I want this end. Yes, it would be nice to see him "get his" for what he did. Because I sure as hell paid a huge price with my family and friends for what I did.

 

Overall, I thought that if I told her, it would stop him. I dont know what else to do.

 

PS. I am so sick of hearing myself whine about this. I am so sick of saying Im sick and tired. Who is this person? Certainly not TT.

And you are only discussing it because HE won't leave you the hell alone!

 

I say tell her - now. You gave him fair warning, and he's basically flipping you a huge, rigid middle finger.

[beenburned]

woinlove,

I noticed in the post above that you were in an open marriage.

 

There is a thread on the marriage forum that was started by oldshirt, titled "is there ever a successful affair?"

 

Since I'm new here, I went back and read some of his older posts, where he stated he is in an open marriage and are swingers.

 

I couldn't understand why he even asked his question if it didn't pertain to his situation. Several people answered his thread but he didn't come back and reply.

 

Thought maybe you could read it and give me your thoughts on this. Thanks!

[pureinheart]

Oh my goodness you just do not get it. Because it is AFTER THE FACT. They already inserted themselves squarely in the middle of the marriage and changed the marriage. The BS has a right to know why her marriage was changed and you dear are the reason The mm does not have the balls to do it. If he did he would not be diddling two women. You had the nerve to enter into the affair so have the nerve to face up to it and let the bs know why her life is so off kilter.

 

You are reaching bigtime here...hey why not get your facts straight before you post "dear".