neowulf Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 I know in my mind that dating is a numbers game. But every failed date, every rejection.. every failure to connect just cuts away a little more of my heart. I feel myself turning colder and colder. Disconnecting from the process, in order to protect myself. Going into situations *expecting* them to simply be more of the same.. dead ends. I have struggled my whole life to connect to people. I have had two "loves" in my 33 years.. only two women I ever really deeply connected with. Both of those relationships obviously failed.. I just don't know how some people do it. I don't get how they can lay their heart on the line again and again.. and not become jaded and cold. I'm trying not to take dating so personally.. but I wear my heart on my sleeve and struggle not to care. Perhaps serial dating isn't a format I'm suited for.. Anyone got any tips for staying positive in the face of continual failure...? Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 One that takes the time to be happy within themselves never fears opening their heart. Too many times people berate themselves or the world when things do not work out the way they had hoped. Rather than being happy for the experience and finding the good in life, they clutch onto the hurt and use it as fuel. In the end it just hurts us more. It does hurt getting your heart broken or being rejected. It happens to everyone and it can break us down inside. I've found that in life the secret to happiness is finding the little good in everything that you can. "Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful." - Siddhartha Gautama "Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think. Suffering follows an evil thought as the wheels of a cart follow the oxen that draws it. Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think. Joy follows a pure thought like a shadow that never leaves." - Buddha "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned." - Buddha Link to post Share on other sites
Author neowulf Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 Thank you for the words of wisdom. I know you're right. I've suffered from low grade depression for many many years and I think it robs me of the ability to "feel" the joy and gratitude of a lot of the little things people take comfort in. I know rationally I *should* feel grateful. But I feel nothing. I'm working on getting treatment. It's a long road. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 I spent a good chunk of my life totally depressed. A good chunk of my teenage years were spent in solitude doing things that were not good for myself. I broke out of it around age 19 before I got in my first real relationship. I was doing wonderful but ended up depressed again during the relationship as there was a multitude of problems which mainly stemmed from feeling unconditional love for someone who loved conditionally, and allowing myself to make many changes to please my partner. This time I needed therapy and it took me well over a year to find a good therapist who didn't just nod, but laid into me and communicated to me in a way that worked. At the end of things the relationship ended as I stood my ground and would not allow myself to be taken advantage of anymore. At that point she just said she couldn't accept me the way that I was and walked. But after a few weeks I felt a huge relief and I haven't looked back since. Have you been to therapy to help yourself locate the cause of your depression? A good therapist can really help you locate what you need to get your life back on track. Medication also works to help you see clearly, and after awhile you can have that clear headed feeling without medication. From what I'm reading you might be suffering from exactly my problem, which was self image issues. Growing up I was treated poorly by those of my age group and it really beat me down. Around age 19 I realized I was great the way I was and my bubbly personality wasn't hit or miss anymore, it was permanent. Needless to say that being in a relationship where I was not accepted for the person I was really beat me down again and made me feel as if no one would ever love or accept me for the person that I was. But all is good again thanks to a good deal of self thought, forgiveness of myself and those who have harmed me, and the therapy didn't hurt either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neowulf Posted January 25, 2012 Author Share Posted January 25, 2012 It sounds like we have shared a very similar road. I was in a relationship with a dynamic like the one you described for 6 years before I finally woke up. Sadly, the net result of this realisation lead to a train wreak of a break up and left me deeply depressed for over a year. I'm current on medication to try to take the edge off the depression while I receive therapy. In some respects, I question whether or not I'm even in the right space to be dating, yet in the end, we are all imperfect. The hardest part is learning to ignore your basic impulse to just hide away from the world and avoid people all together. That road doesn't lead to recovery. Thanks again for the advice and sharing your experiences. Im glad to hear you found a way back to happiness in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 The first steps are truly the hardest. But healing and happiness is like snowball running down a hill. Once you get it going it just keeps on getting larger and larger. It seems as if you are stuck at a bump and you need to find out what that is and take charge of it. That impulse to hide away and be stagnant is a strong one that is very familar. I created a bucket list of things that I just wanted to do with my life. When I started to feel down I would either knock something off my list or make concrete plans to knock something off shortly in the future. I started off by jumping out of an airplane and haven't looked back since. It was a great way to motivate myself at the start. After awhile I didn't need to consult the list when I felt down as the feelings wern't terrible anymore and I had developed the tools to stop them from lingering. If you feel like our experiences are similar I would be happy to answer any questions you have about this as my path to healing may help you find your own path. Either way, I wish you the best Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 I was listening to a guy on the radio who was talking about how he managed to win his "above my league" wife. He said he knew he wasn't attractive but that dating was a numbers game. He'd bring a good looking woman to an office party and the men would be high-fiving him. He said they had no idea that he had to get thirty rejections before getting one date. Yes, it hurt, but he said it got easier over time. Hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I suppose if a woman rejects you it's because she's not feeling the right way about you. You do not want to be with someone who doesn't have the right feelings. Rejection is therefore a way of saying 'we are not right for each other'. One might see it sooner than the other. We bump into people, some we get talking to and click with, others just move aside and pass by. Dating's a bit like that. We don't need to know why they passed by, just that that magic thread which links them to us wasn't there. I'd suggest you relax and wait until it is there and is apparent to both of you. Until then, assume the natural process of instinct will do the work for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neowulf Posted January 31, 2012 Author Share Posted January 31, 2012 Solid advice all round. Thanks guys. I'm feeling a bit more level headed about things today. I think we all have those low moments when things just get us down. I understand that rejection and trail and error are all part of the process. I suppose at 33 I'm just getting a little impatient Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 (edited) Solid advice all round. I understand that rejection and trail and error are all part of the process. I suppose at 33 I'm just getting a little impatient Some people are just not meant to be in a loving relationship. I am quite a bit older than you and anyone I have ever loved has never loved me back, and anyone who loved me, I did not love back. Sometimes being a winner means knowing when it is time to quit. Edited February 2, 2012 by Frank13 Link to post Share on other sites
Author neowulf Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 I'm sorry you feel that way Frank. I know there are no guarantees in life. I also know that life isn't fair. Sometimes, badly wanting something isn't enough to make it happen. One thing you can guarantee though. If you stop trying, if you simply close your heart and turn away from the world.. you crush any hope that things will improve. True, that's a personal choice we're all free to make. Maybe if I'm single in another 10 years, I'll think about it again. But I'm not quite ready to give up yet Link to post Share on other sites
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