WTH?! Is There A Way That I Could Possibly Stay With This Guy and Not Feel Like #2?

[1ofMany]

Let me first start out by saying that I used to have loads of self confidence. I knew then that I wasn't always going to be the best or the prettiest, but I was those things to the people who mattered to me (boyfriend at the time) so that was good enough for me!

 

Fast forward to the way my life is now. I have been in a new relationship for almost 9 months and to be honest, this has been eating me up inside for almost the same amout of time.

 

The reason I don't have any self confidence anymore is because of some conversations that took place between me and my SO early on in the relationship. We had been talking about sexual experiences (he brought it up, not me) and somehow got to the topic of "favorite experiences and why". His favorite experience involved a girl who had just turned 18 at the time (he was 27) and she was an inspiring model. So she was very tiny.... About 110 and the same height as me. Anyways, he went on to describe how she was so tiny and he could throw her around basically that it just made him feel strong and powerful I guess. He has also brought this girl up into conversations we had, comparing me to her or things she would say... Telling me I was similar to her.

 

Also, I always found it odd that they were friends who talked rather often when we got together, but he never mentioned us to one another or wanted us to meet it would seem. Instead he just doesn't talk to her anymore.

 

This girl lived with him for a month because her mom and he had got into a fight and since she was under 18, he stood in as her legal guardian. He says that he waited until she was 18 to have sex. He birthday was about 2 weeks after she moved in with him. He says that it wasn't some type of a relationship but it definitely seems that it was. He'd call her friends if she didn't come home... Bring her soup at work, ect. That's a bit above and beyond friendship in my opinion.

 

So I know that I shouldnt be handing over the power of how I feel about myself to another person, I really do. And it's not like he doesn't say anything is good about me... He says that I am smart and fun to talk to and we fit into eachother when we cuddle and stuff. But I am 23! I need to feel good about my apperance and I sure as hell like to be the prettiest in my boyfriends eyes.

 

It's just hard to let go because we had been flirting about a relationship for the past 4 years. He seemed like he really wanted it and now I am confised as to why?? I want it to work out so bad

 

This is really starting to affect me (I can't eat, have lost about 10 pounds and constantly am concerned with how I look to other people. Also spend alot of time thinking about this other girl.

 

How can I go back to feeling good about myself?

[1ofMany]

Also, I'd like to mention that he has said more than once about how his friends were jealous of what he had with her because they could never have gotten it.

It's unbelievably insulting to know that him with another girl was something to be jealous about but we are not

Edited January 24, 2012 by 1ofMany
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[PegNosePete]

How can I go back to feeling good about myself?

Ditch the jerk. Any guy who goes on about how great an ex is, should be your EX as well. If he wants to feel like he is strong and powerful then he should go to the gym.

 

It also seems he has been lying about her. Yes you are right that is much more than friendship. She moved in with him but they did not have sex until she was 18? Pull the other one it's got bells on.

 

Seriously that is just completely disrespectful behaviour. No wonder it is affecting your self-esteem. It would affect anyone's having to listen to that bullsh#t. He has no respect for you or your relationship. You should put him where he belongs, int he gutter.

[stillafool]

How old is this guy? He sounds like a pervert who got off on having sex with a girl he had to wait until she turned 18 with. Legal guardian my arse. Anywho the next time he starts talking about this other girl tell him "Please don't talk to me about her anymore it makes me feel uncomfortable." Then exit the room before he has a chance to respond. When you reenter the room change the subject to something else. He'll get the message.

[1ofMany]

He is 29 now... And she is turning 20 next month.

[Eddie Edirol]

The only way to get your confidence back is to dump him. Find a guy who actually finds you attractive, and says so, often, without it sounding forced. You will never feel attractive with this guy, and he is probably keeping it that way deliberately. He might know that it keeps you wanting to reach a level with him that you will never reach, which is a skinny 18 year old. It also looks like he is with you to pass time, and isnt serious about you. This guy is either clueless, or hes trying to get you to break it off by talking about this other woman.

[Eve]

OP, this person is playing mind games with you.

 

Stop listening to him. Do something else instead.

 

Such games work on those who want to compare themselves so he is not all in the wrong here. He has tapped into something in you that you need to sort out. It is not healthy to compare yourself to others. Especially some girl who clearly was going through a mini rebellion and fell into his lap.

 

The whole story of him and the other girl just says to me that he is an opportunist. Why on earth would you want someone like that?

 

Sounds like a creep to me.

 

Work out why you want to compare yourself to others.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[whichwayisup]

He's not a nice genuine person, that's for sure.. He makes you feel bad and it's affecting you in every way! Physically - You're losing weight, emotionally you're hurting and feeling secure, happy or confident. HE is the problem, remove that problem and you'll feel better.

 

This guy doesn't treat you well, with love, care or respect.

 

Please, end it because whatever issues he has going on and the ego game he has happening IS killing you inside. This relationship is doing more harm than good and when that happens, it's time to say goodbye. As painful as it may be to do, you gotta walk away. He isn't right for you and deep down you know this, your gut is telling you - So listen to how you feel inside. End it, for your own sanity.

[1ofMany]

First I'd like to thank all of you for your responses and insight. It helps to have an unbiased opinion of my feelings on this matter.

 

So I decided today that I was ready to tell him that I didn't feel good about myself anymore, basically lost most of my self esteem, and needed to be out of the relationship in order to work on myself. Of course.... He asked why. I've always been a firm believer in giving what you expect to get in return, so I told him pretty much what I have shared with all of you. The specific situations that I spoke of we're particularily difficult to discuss. It's hard to look someone you love in the eye and repeat things they have said which hurt ever so deeply.

 

His response to all this was that I am and always have been the most important to him. He failed me by not being able to express those emotions and making me feel like I was less than I was to him. He says that he is sorry for all that he has said and done to make me feel this way. He thought that I just always knew how he felt about me so he didn't think that saying these things would affect me so greatly. Basically, he says that he knows he did wrong and will not forgive himself for it because I've been the one girl in his life where even when we get in arguments, and I say nasty things to him or it gets too hard to handle, he still can't walk away from me. He says that we have so much of a deeper connection than all that superficial appearances stuff and I am being shallow because that shouldn't be what really matters.

 

I told him that you need both physical attraction and a loving connection for a happy relationship. He said that he has both of those for me and does try to tell me all the time. I just don't believe him and contest his points usually? I don't think this is always the case but I have questioned some of the things he has said about me before. They just seemed so..... Generic. Nothing like the detail he went into about this other woman.

 

So here I am wondering if I am just bejg shallow and should give him another chance now that this is all out in the air? He said that he isn't proud of what he did with the 18 yr old an he was following what his friends thought wa right at the time, not what he (now) knows is not right for him.

 

Do I believe him? Is it too far gone? I am so confused =C

[1ofMany]

First I'd like to thank all of you for your responses and insight. It helps to have an unbiased opinion of my feelings on this matter.

 

So I decided today that I was ready to tell him that I didn't feel good about myself anymore, basically lost most of my self esteem, and needed to be out of the relationship in order to work on myself. Of course.... He asked why. I've always been a firm believer in giving what you expect to get in return, so I told him pretty much what I have shared with all of you. The specific situations that I spoke of we're particularily difficult to discuss. It's hard to look someone you love in the eye and repeat things they have said which hurt ever so deeply.

 

His response to all this was that I am and always have been the most important to him. He failed me by not being able to express those emotions and making me feel like I was less than I was to him. He says that he is sorry for all that he has said and done to make me feel this way. He thought that I just always knew how he felt about me so he didn't think that saying these things would affect me so greatly. Basically, he says that he knows he did wrong and will not forgive himself for it because I've been the one girl in his life where even when we get in arguments, and I say nasty things to him or it gets too hard to handle, he still can't walk away from me. He says that we have so much of a deeper connection than all that superficial appearances stuff and I am being shallow because that shouldn't be what really matters.

 

I told him that you need both physical attraction and a loving connection for a happy relationship. He said that he has both of those for me and does try to tell me all the time. I just don't believe him and contest his points usually? I don't think this is always the case but I have questioned some of the things he has said about me before. They just seemed so..... Generic. Nothing like the detail he went into about this other woman.

 

So here I am wondering if I am just being shallow and should give him another chance now that this is all out in the air? He said that he isn't proud of what he did with the 18 yr old an he was following what his friends thought wa right at the time, not what he (now) knows is not right for him.

 

Do I believe him? Is it too far gone? I am so confused =C

[whichwayisup]

His response to all this was that I am and always have been the most important to him. He failed me by not being able to express those emotions and making me feel like I was less than I was to him. He says that he is sorry for all that he has said and done to make me feel this way. He thought that I just always knew how he felt about me so he didn't think that saying these things would affect me so greatly. Basically, he says that he knows he did wrong and will not forgive himself for it because I've been the one girl in his life where even when we get in arguments, and I say nasty things to him or it gets too hard to handle, he still can't walk away from me. He says that we have so much of a deeper connection than all that superficial appearances stuff and I am being shallow because that shouldn't be what really matters.

 

Wow, he managed to spin this around and blame you, make you doubt your judgement and your own feelings! WTF. DO NOT cave. This guy didn't even bloody apologize! Instead he explained himself, and put it back onto you like all this is your problem, not his. He also tried to manipulate you, guilt you and make you feel bad (again) and even said you were shallow to get upset over this stuff. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Stay strong and don't let him manipulate you into changing your mind. You're unhappy and this guy isn't the one for you. Deep down you know this. Don't forget!

 

Sorry you're hurting.

[PegNosePete]

It's hard to look someone you love in the eye and repeat things they have said which hurt ever so deeply.

He had no problem doing the same to you. He said all those things without batting an eyelid. So there are only 2 logical conclusions, either he is someone who can look someone he loves in the eye and say things that he knows will hurt you, or he does not love you. Whichever it is -- I would not want to be with him any more.

 

And yeah how did his bad behaviour, hurtful comments and lack of respect, turn into YOUR fault???

[Leigh 87]

This guys likes skinny 18 year olds, and u will never be as attractive to him as this other girl was.

 

On the other hand - there will be a lot of guys out there, who WILL look at you, and find YOU the most beautiful girl in the world to them - it is called LOVE. Real love, mind u.

 

If a guy loves u, truly, and admires you and respects u, he will be able to see that, for instance, a super model, may physically look more attractive; however, the LOVE a guy fels towards you will make YOU TRULYYY the most beautiful girl to him!!!!!

 

 

If a guy truly loves u, he will not wish u looked liked anyone other then yourself. The guy u described, even from your short d escription... come on. He likes skinny model look alikes, and will never change, unless he goes and sees a therapist as to why he is so shallow.

 

Plenty of guys prefer slender women.......... but they never push for it, and end up loving a normal sized women just as much,and viewing the girl they love as just as beautiful, in their eyes, as even a victoria secret model.

 

Lastly, there are guys who only like very beautiful women, and that is fine; not all guys like this are jerks, providing they just go for the ladies that are attracted to; instead of feeling like they are " settling" for a normal looking women, due to not being able to get a model who alsp has a great personality like you!

 

 

It is disgusting, how guys who actively prefer model thin and attractive women, will " try" to settle with a girl who is awsome, but they are not full attracted to!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHy dont these guys just do themselves a favour, and leave the nice girls alone, and find wait a bit longer until the right : model" comes along for them.

[oldguy]

Comparing you to her is not only a major faux pas but it is manipulative. I also think there is a much bigger difference between an 18 yo & 27 yo than say, a 37 & 28 yo. It sounds like he may not only like skinny 18 yo girls but ones he can manipulate.

 

I'm not sure I understand the line; "he stood in as her legal guardian", at face value that is just the biggest line of BS I've heard in a long while, WTH!?

[shayla]

My ex was the exact same way, he compared me to his ex wife, the one love of his life....told me that no woman would ever measure up to her and that anyone he was with would have to understand that he'd never love them the way he loved her.

 

Yeah, it is manipulative, a total mindfu*k and if you protest, it's your problem. His new wife told the same story about this. I'm glad that I no longer have to hear this anymore.

[1ofMany]

When I say he stood in as her legal guardian, I mean that she got into a fight with her mom (physical) and ran to her neighbours house to call the police. They had been spending time together earlier that day driving around, so she called him to see if she could stay at his place for awhile as the police wouldnt release her unless she had someone over the age of 18 to stay with. The police told him that he was her temporary legal guardian.

 

 

I have a new issue with this whole thing. A while ago, this girl tried contacting my boyfriend. She tried calling and sending texts, which he did not answer but did tell me about. Now, I was somewhat uneasy with this as he had lied to me about their dealings together in the past, so I told him in order to feel comfortable about the friendship they would have, I would need to feel like I didnt only know half of the truth on their past together.

 

Now my BF doesnt deal well with confrontation and kind of closed up instead of sharing. It has been about two years since she lived with him and he said that he cant remember alot of things about it. I dont know if that is the truth or not.

 

Basically, I told him that I would need to feel included in the friendship if I was going to be okay with it. That Id like to meet her at least once and introduce myself.

 

Some time passed and this never happent. I can have a bit of a temper at times and I will admit that I lost my cool one day waiting for him to take action. I told him that if he wasnt willing to compromise as I had suggested then he has to decide who he would rather have in his life. Not a proud moment of mine at all....

 

Anyways, he ends up with her on the phone, telling he that he had lied to me about her in the beginning of our relationship and he wanted me to trust him very badly, so to show I could do this, he would not be in contact with her anymore. She said something like "after all that we have been through?" and that caught my attention. He always made it seem so simple, like there wasnt a whole lot to it.

 

And now I cant help but keep thinking about what the hell she meant. I know that asking my BF wont really yield any results as he says he cant really remember much from then. So I have three options. Please, please, please offer your two cents on this... I cant for the life of me make up my mind.

 

1. Contact the girl myself ( Ive been considering this for a few days as I just found some old mail of hers mixed into a pile, and I was going to see if I should forward them to a specific address or mark RTS, depending on her response). So basically message her on facebook asking about the mail and maybe strike up a convo?

 

2. His ex-girlfriend and I are friendly with one another and she is also friends with this other girl (they met through my BF as the new girl was curious about his ex, apparently he talked to her alot back then). She knows ALOT about it as she was there for it at the time. She also still speaks to the girl to this day. Just not sure if having he involved would be a great idea.

 

3. Forget it and move on. Much easier said than done... Ive already tried this but my natural curiosity has definitly gotten the better of me. If this is what I choose to do, I'll need some good advice on how to follow through.

 

 

Thank you so much in advance for your responses. You guys are great!