My girlfriend absolutely shocked me yesterday.

[PegNosePete]

The trouble with women giving their opinion on this kind of thread is that many (disclaimer: not all!) will respond as in reply #3 and #11. "You are great! What a b!tch she is to take advantage of you! Oh I would love a man who gives me the world!". The fact is they would like it for a week or a month or a year and might even marry you, but pretty soon they'd be having an affair with the plumber.

 

OP I would highly recommend the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover (http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339). If you don't want to read then watch Bedazzled (the Liz Hurley remake), the most sensitive guy in the world, that is you.

Edited January 26, 2012 by PegNosePete

[Eddie Edirol]

The trouble with women giving their opinion on this kind of thread is that many (disclaimer: not all!) will respond as in reply #3 and #11. "You are great! What a b!tch she is to take advantage of you! Oh I would love a man who gives me the world!". The fact is they would like it for a week or a month or a year and might even marry you, but pretty soon they'd be having an affair with the plumber.

 

 

Ugh, youre so right. I was hoping the women who know what Im talking about would chime in, but youre right, most of the posts would be that. Thats what I get for being optimistic...

[StringsAndSticks]

Wow, where do I begin with all of this?

 

No, Eddie's right. There is something you can do.

 

It's clear as day from reading this thread that you're massively insecure - you see yourself as an ugly fat dude who doesn't really have anything to offer a girl besides 'trying to make her happy', so you dedicate yourself to that, spending all your time and money on her.

 

She sees that insecurity. She sees that low value you place on yourself. She sees the lack of confidence, self-belief, and self-respect. How many times have you heard that confidence is attractive? Well insecurity is a repulsive force, and you're oozing it. It can, and WILL push her away. She's hinting at it, Eddie is hammering it at you, and you're still taking no notice.

 

Don't be the guy that ends up bitter and heartbroken because he gave 'everything' to a girl and it wasn't enough.

 

Start putting your needs and feelings on an equal level to hers, instead of way below. Join a gym or something and lose weight. Read some self-improvement books. Take up meditation or self-hypnosis. Do whatever it takes to fix yourself, and do it fast.

 

Start taking control of your life.

 

Andy, thank you for the input. I never really thought that I was "insecure." Yes, true I see myself as and ugly, fat guy who doesn't have much to offer besides making my girl happy. That's not "insecure," that's just honest. And, yes I dedicate myself to making her happy. You make that sound like it's a BAD THING for some reason.

 

Lack of confidence, self-belief, and self-respect... you can call that "insecurity" all you want. I call it knowing my limitations.

 

As far as putting my needs and feelings on equal level... I have a roof over my head, food, clothes and a job... I don't have any needs. My feelings are irrelevant. As much as I hate admitting this, I do belong to a gym.

 

Totally agree with everything Eddie says. Dude she is giving you all the clues you need. Just read over your first paragraph. You are just pontificating about the money and how much you should give her, and it is totally doing her head in, as it would do mine in too! She wants you to have a backbone and be a man. The answer to how much money should have been, "you can have $X. Don't go over, and make sure you get something that looks good on the floor next to the bed". Alright that might be just a little bit too "caveman" but you get the idea. She is not looking for "oh you decide no you decide no you decide", she is looking for you to put your foot down and give her a proper answer.

 

She will only tell you this so many times. I suspect similar conversations have happened multiple times before. Dude, if you don't step up she will lose all attraction and respect for you and move on. Nobody likes a doormat.

 

PegNosePete, thank you for the reply. I'm a little confused with something that you said... "it is totally doing her head in, as it would do mine in too!" What does this mean? I liked your reply "you can have $X. Don't go over, and make sure you get something that looks good on the floor next to the bed." LOL Of course, I would never actually SAY that, but I liked it just the same. As far as "putting my foot down".... over what? There's no reason to put my foot down.

 

Also, what similar conversations do you suspect have happened multiple times?

 

Yeah SAS, I dont want to believe that she is with you only because you buy her things. I believe she is telling you to keep her attraction. Not unless she uses her vacation time to see you, but only sees you for one day, and the rest of the week she disappears.

 

You are wondering why she said that, its because she wants to be challenged. Youve got to put your foot down, like Pete said. You are giving her everything she wants, BUT the challenging personality. All the money in the world wont be enough until you start challenging her. Its part of the attraction. I really wish some women would chime in here, he probably wants to hear from them for re-assurance that were not cavemen here.

 

Eddie... LOL, no she doesn't disappear after one day, we're together the whole time.

 

There it is again, that whole "put your foot down" thing. Again, over what? As far as "challenging" her... although it sounds very counter-intuitive, challenge her in what way? Could you be specific?

 

The trouble with women giving their opinion on this kind of thread is that many (disclaimer: not all!) will respond as in reply #3 and #11. "You are great! What a b!tch she is to take advantage of you! Oh I would love a man who gives me the world!". The fact is they would like it for a week or a month or a year and might even marry you, but pretty soon they'd be having an affair with the plumber.

 

OP I would highly recommend the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover (http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339). If you don't want to read then watch Bedazzled (the Liz Hurley remake), the most sensitive guy in the world, that is you.

 

I'm a little apprehensive to check out that book, the title just seems to have a "be an *******" vibe to it. I may be wrong, that's just my first impression.

[2sunny]

You can't "make her happy!" either she is or she isn't! That only comes from within...

 

There is reason to wonder IF you are buying her affection/attention - due to low self esteem/ self worth. Work on that for YOU... Then you may not have the need to buy stuff for a gal that is so far away.

 

Find someone to connect with close to your vacinity. Offer up companionship and love. Leave offerings of money and material things out.

 

See who shows substance for you when you're not focused on buying their love.

[somedude81]

Here's a wild question.

 

Have you met in person?

[Eddie Edirol]

I'm a little apprehensive to check out that book, the title just seems to have a "be an *******" vibe to it. I may be wrong, that's just my first impression.

 

Apprehensive? ITS A BOOK, do you think its going to punch you in the face when you open the cover? How can you be afraid to read? You cant judge the book before you even see the cover.

Are you that dead set against improving your situation? You have to read it first before you judge it!

 

Just get the book and read it, you need it. It explains how you put your foot down without being an azzhole. Theres psychology involved, too much to explain here.

Edited January 26, 2012 by Eddie Edirol

[StringsAndSticks]

Here's a wild question.

 

Have you met in person?

 

Yes, of course we've met in person.

 

Apprehensive? ITS A BOOK, do you think its going to punch you in the face when you open the cover? How can you be afraid to read? You cant judge the book before you even see the cover.

Are you that dead set against improving your situation? You have to read it first before you judge it!

 

Just get the book and read it, you need it. It explains how you put your foot down without being an azzhole. Theres psychology involved, too much to explain here.

 

O.K. I will check it out. No, I'm not against improving my situation, I'm afraid of making it worse, that's all.

[somedude81]

Yes, of course we've met in person.

OK, cause I really wasn't sure with her living 2,000 miles away. I was thinking that you had some girl that you've never met who calls you her boyfriend while you give her money.

 

You've had sex with her right?

[ffw]

Hello SAS,

Not sure what somedude is getting at, but what Eddie & other's are telling is true. We all are giving you the same advice because we have been there & know how it's going to endup. You are what you are and should be proud of yourself. You are in this situation & that's why you can't see from a 3rd person's point of view.

 

Being nice to a girl is good but being a doormat is not. Women want a man & not a wimp. That's the difference. A man is a leader of his own life while the wimp is usually the follower. We can just give you the advice but whether you follow or not is upto you.

 

In my opinion, the best teacher is the life itself. Sometimes it's not the advice but a real life palm on the face can teach us a lesson.

[PegNosePete]

I'm a little confused with something that you said... "it is totally doing her head in, as it would do mine in too!"

Indecision is a very unattractive trait. I know when I ask a partner for an answer to a question I do not constantly want to have a question in return. "Do you want the beef or the fish?" "You decide which do you want?"... OK occasionally maybe it's fine/cute, but if it happens every time I will soon be thinking Jeeze do you not have any opinion or decision-making capacity of your own?? I do not want to date a parrot. This is what I suspect has happened many times in the past. You do not express an opinion, you just ask hers.

 

I liked your reply "you can have $X. Don't go over, and make sure you get something that looks good on the floor next to the bed." LOL Of course, I would never actually SAY that

There lies your problem dude. You know nothing about how to talk to women. 90% of girls would absolutely love that reply and from what you've said about your GF, I would bet you $100 that she is one of them. They might get defensive/feminist etc in reply but believe me deep down they LOVE it. If you had said this then she would have gone to bed dreamy-eyed thinking about how fantastic the cruise is going to be and how happy you will be when you see her in her fabulous new dress. Instead she went to bed thinking "I'm dating a doormat".

 

I'm a little apprehensive to check out that book, the title just seems to have a "be an *******" vibe to it. I may be wrong, that's just my first impression.

Yes you are wrong. There is a big difference between being a guy who is nice, and a "Nice Guy" as described by the book. This is the very first thing that the book addresses in fact. You are absolutely the epitome of the "Nice Guy" that is described in there. This book was written for people exactly like you.

 

I'm not against improving my situation, I'm afraid of making it worse, that's all.

Buddy you don't seem to realize how bad your situation is. Let me make it perfectly clear. Your relationship is in DIRE STRAITS. If you do not take urgent remedial action then one of 2 things will happen: (a) you are going to be single or (b) she will start cheating on you, getting her emotional and physical needs met by someone else while getting her financial needs met by you.

 

You don't want to make it worse? IT CANNOT GET ANY WORSE.

Edited January 27, 2012 by PegNosePete

[Dust]

My advice is to listen to her. You do seem a little obsessive and to willing to please. She might also be getting ready to break up with you.

 

Since the cruise is already paid for I say you just enjoy it. Have lots of sex that you've been missing out on because of the 2000 miles have a real great time.

 

If you guys don't have plans to move closer togather in the next year or so maybe its time you end this and get a closer gf. Don't be so floored when a girl starts saying stuff like this to you. Just be like "It's just money and I want us to have a good time." When she tried to get you to throw out a number of what you were willing to give you should have been insulted. You should have been like "this isn't a game I thought you needed my help."

[GoodOnPaper]

I'm a little apprehensive to check out that book, the title just seems to have a "be an *******" vibe to it. I may be wrong, that's just my first impression.

 

DEFINITELY read the book -- it's not what you think. It addresses men's issues in a way you've probably never seen. And the younger you are -- and still single -- the more you can do with what you learn.

[Lauriebell82]

It does sound like you are trying to please her. She was most likely trying to test you for your reaction and you failed the test. It was very nice of you to offer to pay for her clothes but as her boyfriend that's not really your job. As a present? Yes. For a cruise? No.

 

You referred to yourself as an "ugly fat guy" in an earlier post. Is it possible that you are trying to make up for how you perceive yourself by going overboard in trying to make her happy? Like overcompensating for what you believe are your shortcomings?

 

Maybe she likes you for OTHER reasons then your money..maybe she likes you for you. Think about that...

[fallenenvy]

I'll give you a womans perspective.. that is unlike some of the others posted.

 

Yes i will agree that you seem like a very nice guy... and remind me of my bf quite a lot.

 

One of the most annoying aggravating things my bf does is "try to make me happy" hear me out...

 

He is always trying to give me money and make sure im ok and have enough. I know he means well but i've always wanted to be independent and know i can handle my own finances and take care of myself. If i'm really in a bind i'll ask for money.. but i never want to have to say how much (like your gf didn't) because i feel it's his place to give what he can if he even can (and believe me i HATE asking and rarely ever do)

 

The biggest issues in him "trying to make me happy" is he never wants to decide on ANYTHING. example: we decide to go get something to eat.. go to dinner.. whatever. he won't pick where. EVER. i just wish he would say "hey baby i'm taking you to a nice dinner at x restaurant"

His thoughts are that if he picks something i don't like i won't be happy.. which simply isn't true. I'm usually happy to do whatever and i sincerely hate making all the decisions.

Obviously that is just one small example as this behavior spands into almost all parts of our lives.... but i hate how he doesn't seem to have feelings or opinions on anything because he wants to "make me happy". I feel like a relationship should be more balanced.. if he doesn't care about his owns wants desires and needs then how am i supposed to? There is a point where a person becomes too selfless to be desirable.

 

Once again you seem like a really nice guy and i don't think this girls bad.. perhaps she just wants you to speak up a bit more instead of always trying to put her first and shes trying to tell you such which is a good thing.

 

ON ANOTHER NOTE

 

long distance is hard. my bf and i lived 1800 miles apart for awhile and it wreaked havock on our relationship. Once we lived together things smoothed out a lot (although i still wish the man would make some decisions and speak up!)

 

Try to listen to some of the people on here... you came here with a problem but you seem to want to refute any and all advice that is given to you... either way i really wish you the best of luck.

[PegNosePete]

Agree with the girls above

 

I used to be very much like you described your BF, fallenenvy. My ex was the same too. That really did my head in. I saw just how frustrating it was, and how annoying my indecisiveness was. I ended up making all the decisions because neither of us would. It was the stereotypical "you decide no you decide no you decide" which at first was cute but got old very quickly. I have learned a lot since then.

 

There is one thing I definitely disagree with though...

 

It was very nice of you to offer to pay for her clothes

Really? Was it all that "nice"? This is what's called a covert contract. It is not a purely altruistic act. He is expecting something in return for buying those clothes. He is expecting to be loved and respected and treated nicely by her, or at a bare minimum, to keep the relationship going. He is buying her affection, even if it's subconscious. That is not a "nice" thing to do. What would his reaction be if she dumped him right after accepting the money? "But I just gave you $X!"........... I rest my case.

 

It's much better to get the covert contract out in the open. As I said above, a good line would have been "make sure to buy something that looks good on the floor next to the bed". It doesn't have to be quite so in-yer-face, maybe "here's $x, make sure you look HOT for me" etc. It's a much more open and honest representation of what he expects in return for his money. Giving her the money is fine but he needs to define the parameters and conditions of that gift, because although he may claim there are none, there ARE.

Edited January 27, 2012 by PegNosePete

[maybealone]

I mean, you don't do what the girl wants, the girl will find someone else who does.

 

That may be true for things like love and affection, but not true for things like money for new clothes. And if you said something like this to your girlfriend, I think it's pretty likely that she would be offended that you thought she'd leave you if you weren't spending enough money on her.

 

Also remember that finances are a big cause of breakups, and not just because there isn't any money. Maybe she has concerns that the two of you approach finances very differently.

[StringsAndSticks]

I want to thank you all for all these suggestions. I honestly can't keep up with all of you. LOL Anyway... 1st off, Somedude81, I don't know what this has to do with anything, and it's hard to admit, but yes we've "done the deed."

 

ffw: I've been hearing that term "doormat" quite a bit throughout this thread. I don't know if that's what I am or not, but if I am, I just don't see why. And, yes you are right... 1st hand experience is definitely a learning tool.

 

PegNosePete: You say I don't "express my opinion." My opinion on what exactly? Hey, I'll be the first one to admit that I don't know how to talk to women. It's just not something I'm good at. As far as you $100 bet goes, I would take that bet anytime. In fact, I would bet that 90% of girls would be disgusted with me if I were to say "you can have $X. Don't go over, and make sure you get something that looks good on the floor next to the bed." And, there's that term again... "doormat." Yes, I will take a look at this book.

 

Dust: Yes, I do plan on having a good time, but I'm trying to cool the engines on the whole sexual thing. I don't know why I should have been "insulted." Seems like something really minor to be insulted over.

 

GoodOnPaper: Yes, I will check this book out.

 

Lauriebell82: Testing? What is this testing? What am I taking the S.A.T.'s or something? LOL Yes, it's true, my looks and physique is certainly not going to turn any heads. Hmmmm... you actually bring up a good point, maybe I am trying to make up for it in other ways. I think I just had a lightbulb moment. As far as her liking me for other reasons than my money, I'd say that's pretty much a given seeing how I don't really have much money. What those reasons are though, I certainly don't have a clue.

 

fallenenvy: You've hit on one of my BIGGEST pet peeves! When I try to ask my gf, something like you were referring to asking your bf, where to go to dinner or what she wants to do or whatever, she WON'T TELL ME! For example: when we were planning this cruise we're going on, I was asking her what cruise line she would prefer and what itinerary etc. she would just give me this "oh, I don't care, I just want to be there with you" type of answer. I kept trying and trying to get her to tell me what her preference was, but she wouldn't tell me! She just kept telling me to do whatever I wanted to do. I felt like screaming, "WOULD YOU JUST F'IN TELL ME!" LOL You said that your bf thinks "that if he picks something i don't like i won't be happy." Your boyfriend is DEAD ON! BINGO! You also said "if he doesn't care about his owns wants desires and needs then how am i supposed to?" That's just it... you're NOT supposed to. Yes, you're right, long distance is hard. The few girlfriends that I've had have been long distance, well except for my second one, she was only 80 miles away. So, I know what it's like. Yes, I am trying to listen to what everyone is saying here, and I don't mean to sound like I'm refuting the advice... it's just some of it just sounds contradictory to what my instincts are telling me. But, I do sincerely appreciate it.

 

PegNosePete: I don't know what this "covert contract" is, but I'm expecting something in return??? I'm not expecting anything in return! Do you honestly think I would be thinking about something silly, like money that I gave her, if she dumped me? Come on... really? There are no "parameters or conditions"... that's not what giving something to someone means.

 

maybealone: All I was trying to say is that if you don't do what the girl wants you to do enough times, she will get sick of it and find someone who will do what she tells him.

 

Well, again, thank you all for the replies! I know sometimes I sound like I'm refuting or angry, but I'm not. It's just hard for me I guess to sort of try something contrary to what that little voice in my head is saying. LOL As you all probably already assumed, I'm not very experienced in the ways of the ladies, so this is definitely a learning process for me.

[somedude81]

I want to thank you all for all these suggestions. I honestly can't keep up with all of you. LOL Anyway... 1st off, Somedude81, I don't know what this has to do with anything, and it's hard to admit, but yes we've "done the deed."

That's fine then.

 

I was worried that she was just taking you for a ride and wanted you for your money.

 

But that isn't the case at all and you have a real long distance relationship.

[fallenenvy]

 

You also said "if he doesn't care about his owns wants desires and needs then how am i supposed to?" That's just it... you're NOT supposed to.

 

Did i miss something here? I believe relationships are supposed to be 2 way streets so why on god's earth should i not care? I don't believe in one way relationships where only one person gives a **** about what the other wants. Just because i am a female doesn't mean i don't want my bf to be happy and get whatever it is he wants etc.

 

I was touching more on how aggravating it can be that he is always metaphorically putting me in the drivers seat. i don't like always making all the decisions about things. It's hardly ever even a discussion.....I'd kill for a ****ing opinion here and there and tbh if i would truly be unhappy with a suggustion we'd compromise on it.

 

POINT IS

 

Relationships need balance between what both ppl want and sounds like neither yours nor mine has the proper one.

 

 

It's annoying isn't it? When someone won't even make a contribution to the plans? Although it seems to me like you really do it alot yourself too.. perhaps get the ball rolling with "how about we x.... what do you think?" and go from there.. takes the back and forth of "idk" outa it.

[RecordProducer]

I think she gave you an honest, sisterly advice and you should be thankful to her for guiding you instead of using you. She seems genuine, but you should stop being a doormat. Grow some spine.

[PegNosePete]

SAS my friend.

 

We can all see what is going on. You cannot see it because you are right in the middle of the situation.

 

I don't think there is anything else to say. You can't see the wood for the trees. You are not even listening to what we are saying because you are convinced that your way of handling things is the right way, even though it is clearly not working. Read the "No More Mr Nice Guy" book. You don't have to do all the exercises and the 12-step stuff, just read it.

 

If you do not change then your relationship is going to end. When you get dumped, we shall be here for you. We have to stick together dude. I was once like you. You know where to find me, and the rest of the guys and gals, when you need us.

 

I will leave you with a relevant quote: "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -- Douglas Adams

Edited January 28, 2012 by PegNosePete

[Eddie Edirol]

Hey SAS, do you see how EVERYONE is telling you the same thing, that is opposite of your instincts? its because we've ALL gone with our instincts, and it was the wrong thing to do. Do you think maybe your instincts could be wrong? Or do you think were all trying to make you sabotage your relationship? Please read the book. And you also need to read around this board as well, you'll get some very interesting information around here. You will see how people react to situations in the stories they tell. Lots to learn. You WILL have that aha moment, and you can fix your situation without making it worse.

[PegNosePete]

Hey, I'll be the first one to admit that I don't know how to talk to women.

...

I would bet that 90% of girls would be disgusted with me if I were to say "you can have $X. Don't go over, and make sure you get something that looks good on the floor next to the bed."

I rest my case.

Can you not see how your first statement is completely contradictory with your second?

[Els]

As I said above, a good line would have been "make sure to buy something that looks good on the floor next to the bed". It doesn't have to be quite so in-yer-face, maybe "here's $x, make sure you look HOT for me" etc. It's a much more open and honest representation of what he expects in return for his money. Giving her the money is fine but he needs to define the parameters and conditions of that gift, because although he may claim there are none, there ARE.

 

I disagree with most of your post - it's slightly presumptuous to assume that that is what he is thinking or why he is doing this. You COULD be right... but you could also be wrong. Nobody knows except the person themself. Not everybody gives gifts with 'parameters and conditions' attached. Wanting to be loved in return is the same as wanting your gift to be appreciated and not snubbed down - it's just human nature, and not nearly the same thing as the unspoken "here's $x, make sure you look HOT for me".

 

OTOH, the bolded could possibly be a fun way of spicing up one's sex life - I'd be in for it if the bf said something like that. However, it takes a lot of closeness (being able to tease one another, etc), and a certain type of light-hearted personality to pull that off - the other person MUST know that you're playing around. I don't fault the OP for not wanting to try it. It's certainly not the sort of thing you just say out of the blue when you've never made such jokes before.

 

And if the guy said that and really MEANT "here's $x, make sure you look HOT for me", I would be out of there quicker than you can say 'douche'.

[Els]

You feel sad for me? What? There's no reason to feel sad for me. I'm sure that she is appreciative. As far as "giving back," I'm not really expecting anything back. She doesn't owe me anything.

 

Why am I with her? Because I love her. She doesn't have to "do" anything to make me happy, just being her is more than enough.

 

 

 

 

I think this is a great mindset to have. However, it is healthy to ensure that your relationships are not one-sided. A relationship in which one person gives and gives and the other does not, is not usually a good one. This does not mean that you must calculate every single aspect of it, insist on getting back equal amounts of everything, or expect anything. It DOES however mean that you should be able to see for yourself what she does to show that SHE loves YOU.

 

In her case, I think she would be happier if you assert your boundaries and challenge her more, yes. If this style of a relationship does not suit you, then perhaps you may need to reconsider it (after explaining this to her).