My girlfriend absolutely shocked me yesterday.

[StringsAndSticks]

Well, I didn't know exactly where to put this post, so I figured the "general" section was the most appropriate. Anyway, I was talking to my girlfriend yesterday, and she needed money to buy clothes for a cruise that we're going to be going on. Sure, no problem, I ask her how much, and she does one thing that bugs me, she asks me how much do I want to give her instead of just telling me. O.K. fine.... I give her a range of $x - $y. She picks the lower end. I ask her if she's sure she doesn't need more, and she tells me that I have to save money, and why don't I put some away? So, I tell her that helping her is my first priority. Then she does the first thing that shocks me... she says, "No I'm not. What happens if one day I leave you?" Well, needless to say, I'm thinking to myself, "how could you say that?"

 

Now the shocking part is when she said that I seem so obsessive about her. I asked what she meant, and her exact words were, "because you just do whatever I want. So, that is not good." Well, obviously I was absolutely floored! Of course I do whatever you want! That's what I'm SUPPOSED to do!

 

Anyway, does anybody have any advice on how to diffuse this situation? I'm just a tad bit confused, as you would imagine. Thank you all.

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like you are quite obsessive and it bothers her. You are supposed to do what makes you happy, not just do things because you feel like it is what you need to do. Your job in a relationship isn't to obsess nor take care of someone totally...

[azsinglegal]

I need a guy that does whatever I want and caters to me. How can I find one like you too?

 

Seriously, sounds like you need to give her some space and quit obsessing over her. But as soon as you do that I'm sure she'll think there's something wrong. Kind of a lose-lose situation.

[StringsAndSticks]

I need a guy that does whatever I want and caters to me. How can I find one like you too?

 

Seriously, sounds like you need to give her some space and quit obsessing over her. But as soon as you do that I'm sure she'll think there's something wrong. Kind of a lose-lose situation.

 

Well, that's just it... I'm NOT obsessing. I don't think trying to make someone happy is "obsessing." Also, she lives more than 2,000 miles away. How much more space is required?

[Stung]

You are supposed to listen to, try to understand, and be supportive of your partner. You are supposed to try to reach compromises with them that keep you both reasonably happy, and try to work through arguments and dissonance like an adult. You are NOT supposed to just blindly do anything and everything to try to keep the other person happy, even to your own detriment. You are also supposed to love yourself, look out for yourself and your own interests, do things that you enjoy--be your own person.

 

Question: why are you buying her clothes? Are you paying for the cruise, also?

 

It's nice that you help her, that you want to help her and make her happy...but it really sounds like you have doormat issues and it's starting to bug her. The good news is, it's fixable. Everybody has something they could work on for their own self-improvement, the issue for you to tackle might be codependency, self-esteem, personal boundaries--something in that area.

[Eddie Edirol]

Wow, you really dont understand women. She was testing you. She says that because she doesnt want you do just do whatever she wants. She wants you to challenge her, push back a lil, tease her, but dont just give in. Of course the degree of this is subjective to her personality and what she is used to based on previous relationships.

 

You arent making her earn your affection, youre just handing it over to her, and that is a complete letdown and turnoff. She has to earn your heart too you know! She must be young, so for example, if she says she wants money for clothes, youre supposed to at least say "You have enough clothes! And you have a job, what do I get for buying you these clothes? Massage? You wash my car? What?" Of course in a teasing manner. She has to feel like you wont just hand it over.

[StringsAndSticks]

You are supposed to listen to, try to understand, and be supportive of your partner. You are supposed to try to reach compromises with them that keep you both reasonably happy, and try to work through arguments and dissonance like an adult. You are NOT supposed to just blindly do anything and everything to try to keep the other person happy, even to your own detriment. You are also supposed to love yourself, look out for yourself and your own interests, do things that you enjoy--be your own person.

 

Question: why are you buying her clothes? Are you paying for the cruise, also?

 

It's nice that you help her, that you want to help her and make her happy...but it really sounds like you have doormat issues and it's starting to bug her. The good news is, it's fixable. Everybody has something they could work on for their own self-improvement, the issue for you to tackle might be codependency, self-esteem, personal boundaries--something in that area.

 

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I'm right there with you on the listening, understanding and supporting aspects. But, of course I'm going to do anything that I can to keep her happy. That's how things work.

 

To answer your question, I give her money because she doesn't have much of it. Yes, of course I'm paying for the cruise! What kind of a tool would I be if I made her pay for it? LOL

 

Don't take this the wrong way, but there's a couple of terms that you used that kind of made me cringe a little... "love yourself," "self-esteem?" Wow, did you talk to her today or something? She used those words too, and it gave me the creeps. Anytime I hear those words, I think of vanity and arrogance.

 

Also, forgive my ignorance here, but I don't know what you mean by "doormat issues."

 

Wow, you really dont understand women. She was testing you. She says that because she doesnt want you do just do whatever she wants. She wants you to challenge her, push back a lil, tease her, but dont just give in. Of course the degree of this is subjective to her personality and what she is used to based on previous relationships.

 

You arent making her earn your affection, youre just handing it over to her, and that is a complete letdown and turnoff. She has to earn your heart too you know! She must be young, so for example, if she says she wants money for clothes, youre supposed to at least say "You have enough clothes! And you have a job, what do I get for buying you these clothes? Massage? You wash my car? What?" Of course in a teasing manner. She has to feel like you wont just hand it over.

 

Thank you for the reply Eddie. Challenge her? Push back? I don't think that's such a good idea, plus I wouldn't feel right doing it. I mean, you don't do what the girl wants, the girl will find someone else who does.

 

I'm not going to make her earn my affection or earn my heart, she already has those, she deserves them. She's a little younger than me, she's 29.

[somedude81]

To answer your question, I give her money because she doesn't have much of it. Yes, of course I'm paying for the cruise! What kind of a tool would I be if I made her pay for it? LOL

Uh, a sharp one?

 

Dude, she lives 2,000 miles away, is 29 and is having you pay for everything.

 

What are you getting out of this?

[Eddie Edirol]

Thank you for the reply Eddie. Challenge her? Push back? I don't think that's such a good idea, plus I wouldn't feel right doing it. I mean, you don't do what the girl wants, the girl will find someone else who does.

 

I'm not going to make her earn my affection or earn my heart, she already has those, she deserves them. She's a little younger than me, she's 29.

 

Dude, she is already telling you that you SHOULDNT do what she wants. SHe is losing attraction for you, and will leave you and you wont understand why. Im trying to tell you now, you have to challenge her and push back, and do NOT give her anything she wants. She told you that straight up. Women RARELY say things like that and she is telling you straight up because she is trying to salvage the relationship. You really need to think about how youre going to fix this before judging the suggestions.

 

 

And if she leaves you, it wont be for a guy who is just like you, it would be for a guy that she has to work for, bad boy type, that doesnt give her anything she wants, mostly his heart, feelings, money, all that. He will make her work for it, and she will fall for him quickly, and he might not even treat her right. Thats how it works.

Edited January 25, 2012 by Eddie Edirol

[StringsAndSticks]

Uh, a sharp one?

 

Dude, she lives 2,000 miles away, is 29 and is having you pay for everything.

 

What are you getting out of this?

 

What am I "getting out of this?" I didn't know I was supposed to be getting something out of this. What do you mean?

 

Dude, she is already telling you that you SHOULDNT do what she wants. SHe is losing attraction for you, and will leave you and you wont understand why. Im trying to tell you now, you have to challenge her and push back, and do NOT give her anything she wants. She told you that straight up. Women RARELY say things like that and she is telling you straight up because she is trying to salvage the relationship. You really need to think about how youre going to fix this before judging the suggestions.

 

 

And if she leaves you, it wont be for a guy who is just like you, it would be for a guy that she has to work for, bad boy type, that doesnt give her anything she wants, mostly his heart, feelings, money, all that. He will make her work for it, and she will fall for him quickly, and he might not even treat her right. Thats how it works.

 

Eddie, I do really appreciate your suggestions, I don't mean to sound like I don't. I guess, it's just that "pushing back" and "making her WORK for me" sounds totally backwards. I don't think any girl is going to want to waste her time to "work" for me... that just seems like she would think "THIS guy is resisting ME?... Next!"

 

Am I wrong?

[Els]

I feel quite sad for you, OP. You sound like a very nice and caring guy - but she sounds unappreciative and trying to take advantage of you.

 

I don't think you need to change yourself, but you may need to be more careful about making sure that a girl actually APPRECIATES the help and care you give her before giving freely of yourself. I know men like you who just want to help their girls out in whatever way they can, but those girls typically also appreciate it and show it in various ways, including giving back. Your gf does not sound like that.

 

Why are you with her, what does she do to make you happy?

[Eddie Edirol]

Eddie, I do really appreciate your suggestions, I don't mean to sound like I don't. I guess, it's just that "pushing back" and "making her WORK for me" sounds totally backwards. I don't think any girl is going to want to waste her time to "work" for me... that just seems like she would think "THIS guy is resisting ME?... Next!"

 

Am I wrong?

 

Yes you are wrong. Women dont want everything handed to them. They are just like you. It sounds totally opposite of what you think, because thats the way it is. But remember, just because you think thats the way it is, doesnt mean thats what reality is, you are just afraid of losing her. You arent supposed to be working for her anymore than she is supposed to be working for you. Its not all on the man to do all the work. if you think that she will walk if you dont give her money all the time, then you need to let her walk. You need to have boundaries. Not be a doormat, doormats are not attractive. She is giving you a chance to change to keep her attraction and you arent listening to her. All you have to do is look around this board to see women trying different things to attract the guy they want. Everyone wants to be challenged to a degree.

Edited January 25, 2012 by Eddie Edirol

[StringsAndSticks]

I feel quite sad for you, OP. You sound like a very nice and caring guy - but she sounds unappreciative and trying to take advantage of you.

 

I don't think you need to change yourself, but you may need to be more careful about making sure that a girl actually APPRECIATES the help and care you give her before giving freely of yourself. I know men like you who just want to help their girls out in whatever way they can, but those girls typically also appreciate it and show it in various ways, including giving back. Your gf does not sound like that.

 

Why are you with her, what does she do to make you happy?

 

You feel sad for me? What? There's no reason to feel sad for me. I'm sure that she is appreciative. As far as "giving back," I'm not really expecting anything back. She doesn't owe me anything.

 

Why am I with her? Because I love her. She doesn't have to "do" anything to make me happy, just being her is more than enough.

 

Yes you are wrong. Women dont want everything handed to them. They are just like you. It sounds totally opposite of what you think, because thats the way it is. But remember, just because you think thats the way it is, doesnt mean thats what reality is, you are just afraid of losing her. You arent supposed to be working for her anymore than she is supposed to be working for you. Its not all on the man to do all the work. if you think that she will walk if you dont give her money all the time, then you need to let her walk. You need to have boundaries. Not be a doormat, doormats are not attractive. She is giving you a chance to change to keep her attraction and you arent listening to her. All you have to do is look around this board to see women trying different things to attract the guy they want. Everyone wants to be challenged to a degree.

 

Yes Eddie, you're right, of course I'm afraid of losing her. Why wouldn't I be? It IS on the man to do all the work though. I don't know about this doormats not being attractive, that would depend on what said doormat looks like. As far as her keeping her attraction, honestly I don't think there is much of that anyway... I have, what you'd call, a face and physique for radio.

[Eddie Edirol]

Did you not read this part of what i said, are you not understanding?

She is giving you a chance to change to keep her attraction and you arent listening to her.

 

Lemme ask you this SAS, how would you like it if a woman was kissing your ass 24/7, giving you all of her money for your attention, and basically trying to please you every second instead of being herself. Dont you think that would be sort of annoying? Do you think you'd be attracted to her cerebrally if she was attached to your leg, but you did nothing for her to be attracted to you?

Edited January 25, 2012 by Eddie Edirol

[2sunny]

She essentially told you that you ALLOW her to take advantage of your kindness and generosity...and that you settle for things being completely unbalanced in the relationship.

 

What does she do for you... What does she offer to balance out the R?

 

Stop buying her off. IF she wants something - whether it be clothes or a trip - let her make her own money by earning it - and spending it after earning it...

 

 

She's telling you that she can take advantage of you because you are a push over. Most gals don't respect a man who isn't respecting himself.

 

This r may need better balance... How much effort does she put into spending time and energy staying perfectly connected to you?

[somedude81]

What am I "getting out of this?" I didn't know I was supposed to be getting something out of this. What do you mean?

 

Why do you want to have her for a GF?

 

How is having her better than being alone?

[StringsAndSticks]

Did you not read this part of what i said, are you not understanding?

 

 

Lemme ask you this SAS, how would you like it if a woman was kissing your ass 24/7, giving you all of her money for your attention, and basically trying to please you every second instead of being herself. Dont you think that would be sort of annoying? Do you think you'd be attracted to her cerebrally if she was attached to your leg, but you did nothing for her to be attracted to you?

 

Yes, I read what you said. I said that there's probably no attraction to begin with because I have a face and physique for the radio.

 

To answer your second question... You may as well ask me what if I won the Tour de France. It's a situation that I would never be in to begin with.

 

She essentially told you that you ALLOW her to take advantage of your kindness and generosity...and that you settle for things being completely unbalanced in the relationship.

 

What does she do for you... What does she offer to balance out the R?

 

Stop buying her off. IF she wants something - whether it be clothes or a trip - let her make her own money by earning it - and spending it after earning it...

 

 

She's telling you that she can take advantage of you because you are a push over. Most gals don't respect a man who isn't respecting himself.

 

This r may need better balance... How much effort does she put into spending time and energy staying perfectly connected to you?

 

There's that phrase again, "what does she do for you?" Why do I keep hearing that? There's just something so sinister about that.

 

Buying her off? How am I buying her off? She does earn her own money, just not much of it.

 

She never said I was a "push over." And, I've never once verbalized my respect level for myself, nor have I ever asked her if she "respects" me.

 

As far as how much effort she puts into spending time and energy to stay connected to me, I'd say a lot. We talk everyday, she takes her vacation time to come meet me somewhere.

[Eddie Edirol]

There's that phrase again, "what does she do for you?" Why do I keep hearing that? There's just something so sinister about that.

 

Buying her off? How am I buying her off? She does earn her own money, just not much of it.

 

She never said I was a "push over." And, I've never once verbalized my respect level for myself, nor have I ever asked her if she "respects" me.

 

As far as how much effort she puts into spending time and energy to stay connected to me, I'd say a lot. We talk everyday, she takes her vacation time to come meet me somewhere.

 

She did say you were a pushover, she just used different words. We ask what does she do for you because we want to know why you are buying her affection. Youre saying that you have to buy her affection and she will leave you because you dont look physically ideal. Do you think thats the only way you can live? Do you not realize that method youre doing now is not working? Are you going to wait til she leaves you to realize it? See you dont realize that she will leave you, you just dont understand what shes telling you, and were trying to tell you what shes saying, thats why youre here. Just let me know if youre not going to change your behavior so i can stop trying to help you.

 

You already have many strikes against you, she wont stay for money for long. She isnt physically attracted to you, she doesnt live near you, you dont respect yourself in her eyes, and you dont know what youre doing in her eyes. Eventually she will move on to a guy that understands what a woman wants.

Edited January 25, 2012 by Eddie Edirol

[GoodOnPaper]

A lot of irony in the advice on this thread -- the OP is getting flamed for being a pushover for his gf, yet the advice is for him to bend over backward in changing his mindset and actions to meet HER level of drama . . .

 

OP, you strike me as a guy who quickly and comfortably slips into "relationship mode" and the thought of the necessary commitment, compromise, and sacrifice associated with LTRs doesn't phase you. I was the same way, even in my teens . . . and it was the biggest dating turnoff ever.

 

I don't like the suggestions that you essentially walk on eggshells, constantly trying to figure out if you are too close or too distant -- that's ridiculous. If you're a straight-shooter, you're a straight-shooter -- there is nothing wrong with that. (You'll eventually figure out how to "banter" with women in a way that you feel comfortable with.) But you do need to be aware that your gf is not in the same "relationship mode" that you are in. This happened to me 2 or 3 times before I figured out what was going on. Once I accepted it, I could look back and see that the girls pretty much had one foot out the door from the get-go. It also made me much more aware of doormat things I had done and could try to avoid in the future. Also be aware of being in love with a relationship vs. being in love with a woman. Are you sure about which situation you are in? For me it was always the former even though I didn't know it at the time.

[2sunny]

Why is she 2000 miles away? Why can't she live near you?

 

What is the reason you don't have a GF who is in your immediate vicinity?

 

I do think when couples aren't spending time - face to face - on a daily or every few days basis - it's really not getting a great feel for actually "being together".

 

IF she doesn't earn enough - she needs time and effort enough to grow up - support herself - without you feeling like you need to pay her way.

 

She's not proud of herself when you hand her stuff... It may make her feel inadequate. Are you the rescuing type?

 

Just looking for clarity...

[StringsAndSticks]

Why is she 2000 miles away? Why can't she live near you?

 

What is the reason you don't have a GF who is in your immediate vicinity?

 

I do think when couples aren't spending time - face to face - on a daily or every few days basis - it's really not getting a great feel for actually "being together".

 

IF she doesn't earn enough - she needs time and effort enough to grow up - support herself - without you feeling like you need to pay her way.

 

She's not proud of herself when you hand her stuff... It may make her feel inadequate. Are you the rescuing type?

 

Just looking for clarity...

 

Well, she's 2,000 miles away because that's where she lives. She could live near me eventually, but it will take quite a bit of money and paperwork, and I can't just ask her to pick up and leave her family.

 

The reason I don't have a gf in the vicinity? Well, I don't know, I never really thought about it. Could be a number of reasons I suppose. As I stated a couple of times before, I'm a bit of an ugly fatty, so obviously I don't get any interest from the ladies. LOL Could be I'm not tall enough, rich enough, nice enough. Hell, maybe I don't wear the right shoes, I don't know. LOL

 

Am I the "rescuing type?" I have no idea. What exactly does that mean?

[StringsAndSticks]

She did say you were a pushover, she just used different words. We ask what does she do for you because we want to know why you are buying her affection. Youre saying that you have to buy her affection and she will leave you because you dont look physically ideal. Do you think thats the only way you can live? Do you not realize that method youre doing now is not working? Are you going to wait til she leaves you to realize it? See you dont realize that she will leave you, you just dont understand what shes telling you, and were trying to tell you what shes saying, thats why youre here. Just let me know if youre not going to change your behavior so i can stop trying to help you.

 

You already have many strikes against you, she wont stay for money for long. She isnt physically attracted to you, she doesnt live near you, you dont respect yourself in her eyes, and you dont know what youre doing in her eyes. Eventually she will move on to a guy that understands what a woman wants.

 

Well Eddie, no I don't think that's the only way I can live. I never said that I was "buying her affection," I'm just trying to do what I can to make her happy, that's all. If she finds something better and decides to leave me, well, although that would be terrible, and it would certainly be heartbreaking, that's her decision, there's really nothing I can do about that.

[Andy_K]

No, Eddie's right. There is something you can do.

 

It's clear as day from reading this thread that you're massively insecure - you see yourself as an ugly fat dude who doesn't really have anything to offer a girl besides 'trying to make her happy', so you dedicate yourself to that, spending all your time and money on her.

 

She sees that insecurity. She sees that low value you place on yourself. She sees the lack of confidence, self-belief, and self-respect. How many times have you heard that confidence is attractive? Well insecurity is a repulsive force, and you're oozing it. It can, and WILL push her away. She's hinting at it, Eddie is hammering it at you, and you're still taking no notice.

 

Don't be the guy that ends up bitter and heartbroken because he gave 'everything' to a girl and it wasn't enough.

 

Start putting your needs and feelings on an equal level to hers, instead of way below. Join a gym or something and lose weight. Read some self-improvement books. Take up meditation or self-hypnosis. Do whatever it takes to fix yourself, and do it fast.

 

Start taking control of your life.

[PegNosePete]

Totally agree with everything Eddie says. Dude she is giving you all the clues you need. Just read over your first paragraph. You are just pontificating about the money and how much you should give her, and it is totally doing her head in, as it would do mine in too! She wants you to have a backbone and be a man. The answer to how much money should have been, "you can have $X. Don't go over, and make sure you get something that looks good on the floor next to the bed". Alright that might be just a little bit too "caveman" but you get the idea. She is not looking for "oh you decide no you decide no you decide", she is looking for you to put your foot down and give her a proper answer.

 

She will only tell you this so many times. I suspect similar conversations have happened multiple times before. Dude, if you don't step up she will lose all attraction and respect for you and move on. Nobody likes a doormat.

[Eddie Edirol]

Don't be the guy that ends up bitter and heartbroken because he gave 'everything' to a girl and it wasn't enough.

 

Yeah SAS, I dont want to believe that she is with you only because you buy her things. I believe she is telling you to keep her attraction. Not unless she uses her vacation time to see you, but only sees you for one day, and the rest of the week she disappears.

 

You are wondering why she said that, its because she wants to be challenged. Youve got to put your foot down, like Pete said. You are giving her everything she wants, BUT the challenging personality. All the money in the world wont be enough until you start challenging her. Its part of the attraction. I really wish some women would chime in here, he probably wants to hear from them for re-assurance that were not cavemen here.