Proposing to her at 18

[DeadHead]

Hey guys, I know that this is totally my decision but I want some thoughts on it. My girlfriend and I have been together since freshman for her, sophomore for me of high school, We go to different schools but we met at a concert that i was performing at with a crappy little band. We hit it off right away, she went through a bad break up a few months before that, and really my original though was to help her and just be a friend and make her feel better, let me also let you know this is the first girl i really "talked" to.. so fast forward a few months and we got closer and closer.. I introduced her to my parents, i met hers.. My parents love her and I'm loved by hers.. I knew from very early on, that she was different.. now fast forward to know.. I'm a senior and she's a Junior over the past almost 3 years we've grown a lot, and grown even closer, I'm going to college locally, and doing an internship at the same time to make some money, she plans on going to college locally swell (not the same one as me).. But We've talked about it and I plan on proposing to her a few months after she graduates high school, I would of course talk to her parents and ask them for permission, although i know they would allow me. We plan on having a longer engagement, maybe 2-4 years. Once I graduate my college program (2 years) i'll have a steady job with good pay, instead of 2 part time jobs with OKAY pay..

 

 

What do you guys think?

Edited January 25, 2012 by DeadHead

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Why can't you have the same 'plans' without the proposal seeming to bond you?

 

If it's that good, you can continue to thrive together as you are and 'fate' will see you as a couple for decades to come.

 

Make such a formal declaration now or anytime soon and you'll just alienate the more sensible people in your crowd while only tempting fate to tear you apart.

 

The truth is that most teen relationships self-destruct largely because neither partner understands that they don't know enough about themselves in order to best determine who as a mate is best for them. This is compounded by the fact that people change a lot between, say, 17 and 25 or so.

 

I'd say "slow your roll"...

[Dust]

I think proposing now and having a 2-4 year engagement will make it more likely you break up then if you wait and propose when you're ready to get married.

[dreamingoftigers]

You know what, cool the jets another year.

 

Get through the college transition without putting anymore pressure on you or her or your relationship.

 

See how your relationship grows and changes during the transition and savor it. Earn that engagement.

[Phateless]

What on earth could the rush possibly be?! My theory is that they're super-Christian and want to have sex.

 

The ONLY reasons to get married at 18 are:

 

Military and you can't see each other without being married.

Your partner is being deported and they need a green card.

I'm sure there are other legitimate reasons but I can't think of them.

 

It's the REST of your life. Move in together and get her a "promise ring" but there's absolutely no reason to get married. You'd just be contributing to the 50% divorce rate.

[Dust]

What on earth could the rush possibly be?! My theory is that they're super-Christian and want to have sex.

 

The ONLY reasons to get married at 18 are:

 

Military and you can't see each other without being married.

Your partner is being deported and they need a green card.

I'm sure there are other legitimate reasons but I can't think of them.

 

It's the REST of your life. Move in together and get her a "promise ring" but there's absolutely no reason to get married. You'd just be contributing to the 50% divorce rate.

 

I would say the super christian thing is probably wrong since he said he excpect to be engaged 2-4 years. He's just being stupid. He thinks it will some how keep them togather. I think getting engaged and staying engaged for a long time is a kiss a death. Many of the disadvantage of marriage... none of the benefits.

 

Promise ring thing is a good idea. He could spend like 200$ on a nice white gold promise ring. Give it to her on a special ocasion like valentines day.

[Phateless]

I would say the super christian thing is probably wrong since he said he excpect to be engaged 2-4 years. He's just being stupid. He thinks it will some how keep them togather. I think getting engaged and staying engaged for a long time is a kiss a death. Many of the disadvantage of marriage... none of the benefits.

 

Promise ring thing is a good idea. He could spend like 200$ on a nice white gold promise ring. Give it to her on a special ocasion like valentines day.

 

Crazy-ass Christian people think they can find loopholes and still be Christian. My buddy dated a girl who only had anal sex because she wanted to stay a virgin. No joke. I can't remember how many times we laughed about how "IT MAKES NO F-ING SENSE, LOL!!"

 

By the same token some people will say, "we're engaged, we're GOING to be married, that counts."

 

Uber-religious people freak me out.

[veggirl]

Whoa.

 

I agree with the others.

 

You are soooo young. TOO YOUNG. And a 2-4 yr engagement is just silly. I agree, wait until you are ACTUALLY ready to get married w/in a yr and THEN propose.

 

You should both finish college first.

 

Nobody should be getting an engagement ring for their high school graduation. That is madness. Sorry

[DeadHead]

Hey guys, So I know the concern and I agree that it's not the smartest decision, so I feel that waiting might be the best thing to do, because if we are serious with our relationship, which i feel we are, then waiting a couple more years won't hurt.

 

And no this has NOTHING to do with some crazy christian sex thing as someone stated.. Nothing to do with that.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

After all of this, I'm just impressed that you came back to the thread here.

 

 

And there is nothing wrong with just learning/practicing to be responsible and level-headed adults, who slowly get all of their other ducks in a row as they remain content to look forward to a life spent together.

 

This urge for a 'label' of some sort, usually 'the sooner, the better', doesn't really do anybody much good.

 

You need only look at the military for proof positive of that. How many (pause...) (okay...) "people" RUSH to get married, and then head to the middle east while leaving this new spouse at/near some base far away from themselves, and far away from everything the spouse knows in life up until that point? The strain it places on new couples - that of being apart non-stop for months and months - is just impossible to measure.

 

And y'know, it really IS okay that you each don't likely know yourselves well enough to understand who is, and why they are most ideal for you. Nobody else knows you better than you do, but there simply remains a lot to learn (as is/was the case for everyone).

[setsenia]

There's nothing wrong with proposing at 18. This is coming from someone who's been happily married for nearly 4 years and been in a 6 year relationship. My husband proposed to me on my 18th birthday and we got married a year later. He's close to 6 years older than me and I'm very mature for my age, so I am glad I made the choice to get married. We had our reasons for me getting married at a young age, but if I didn't love him or feel we'd make a lifelong commitment, I wouldn't have gotten married. I think it's important that YOU and your girlfriend feel ready to make this commitment to make it work. My husband's brother and his wife got married right after high school when they both turned 18. I thought it was because she was Catholic, but it wasn't because she told me they had sex numerous times before they got married. But like us, they had specific reasons. My husband's step-sister was with her fiance since the beginning of high school and became engaged after high school. They were engaged for at least close to 4 years before marriage. Sadly, their marriage ended after 2 years. They were together nearly 9 years. I think they had some issues prior to marriage. I wouldn't recommend proposing unless you plan to marry in a max of 2 years. Things could change between now and then. But it depends on if you are both ready.

[CupcakeCrisis]

There's nothing wrong with proposing at 18. This is coming from someone who's been happily married for nearly 4 years and been in a 6 year relationship.

 

 

While it worked out for you, I'd be strongly willing to bet that your success story is one that happens in a minority of cases. There's simply too much going on for this couple - both of them are under the age of 18. If he were older, I would say it MIGHT work out, but the fact that both of them are what - 16 to 18? - makes it highly unlikely.

 

Being 'engaged' for 2 to 4 years is just silly. At that point, you're still just dating. The point of an engagement is to plan your wedding - it is a transition stage. It is not just another stage of dating, even though many couples treat it that way now. You propose when you are ready to start planning to get married - not to deter a potential break-up or just because you really love someone.

[zengirl]

I got engaged at 18 and would've been married at 19, if my fiance hadn't passed away (he was 3 years older than me, and we'd been together since my freshman year of HS as well, though he was nearly done with Uni by the time we would've gotten married). We weren't crazy or rushing or anything. We just wanted to be married before he went to medical school. So, it was a bit of circumstances, but it was just always expected we'd get married. . . we didn't see why we'd put it off. Our families were supportive and happy. We'd grown up together, been best friends forever, and been dating since I was old enough to date

 

I definitely think you need a life-plan before getting married. In my case, my HS sweetheart had a trust fund as well as a plan to go to medical school (so he would've gone without debt---not many do), so our financial future was never an issue or question mark. I also had scholarships and grants that supported me at that time. I think you should both probably be self-supporting before getting married, but I don't think getting married young is necessarily crazy. The likelihood for divorce is greater, though.

Edited March 9, 2012 by zengirl

[Lauriebell82]

I personally am not a big fan of getting engaged and staying that way for an extended period of time. I know a lot of people who did that in college, and they did end up getting married after several years of engagement.

 

That being said, they were older then the two of you are. Could you possibly be just trying to hold on to her because you are going to different schools? I really think waiting a few years for an engagement would be a lot better for both of you.

[HHC]

Hey guys, So I know the concern and I agree that it's not the smartest decision, so I feel that waiting might be the best thing to do, because if we are serious with our relationship, which i feel we are, then waiting a couple more years won't hurt.

 

And no this has NOTHING to do with some crazy christian sex thing as someone stated.. Nothing to do with that.

Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulder and you just want to be with her

 

Not being married or engaged doesn't lessen your relationship. Anyone who says so can go jump

[setsenia]

While it worked out for you, I'd be strongly willing to bet that your success story is one that happens in a minority of cases. There's simply too much going on for this couple - both of them are under the age of 18. If he were older, I would say it MIGHT work out, but the fact that both of them are what - 16 to 18? - makes it highly unlikely.

 

Being 'engaged' for 2 to 4 years is just silly. At that point, you're still just dating. The point of an engagement is to plan your wedding - it is a transition stage. It is not just another stage of dating, even though many couples treat it that way now. You propose when you are ready to start planning to get married - not to deter a potential break-up or just because you really love someone.

 

 

Good point. My husband's younger half brother and wife got married right out of high school, both 18. I agree, it is a bit unusual. Since their father died and they each have a trust, his brother said that them getting married so young and fast made things "less complicated" as far as finances, going to college and living together. Although I think it's a risk when you're both 18 and you're supporting the other with your inheritance. God forbid she'd have to work while attending college to pay for her share. LOL I think they've been married nearly 5 years now, which is pretty good.

 

I agree about the engagement thing. I've also noticed a lot of people with "accidental" pregnancies claim to be engaged, but there's really no wedding planning in the works. I think it's silly and probably done to make it less embarassing that you had a child with your boyfriend. I've also seen people claim to be "facebook engaged" but really not officially engaged. Don't call yourself engaged until there is a ring, a date and wedding planning going on!

[Lauriebell82]

I've also seen people claim to be "facebook engaged" but really not officially engaged. Don't call yourself engaged until there is a ring, a date and wedding planning going on!

 

My friend did that..her "fiance" had never proposed to her at all or bought her a ring! He actually bought her a car! She just basically started talking about getting married and a wedding! I guess I understand, they have a 5 year old daughter and I'm sure she is sick of waiting around for him so she just took it upon herself!

[KathyM]

I think you're too young to get engaged. I was 19 when I got engaged, and still 19 when I was married, and I'm still married to the same man after all these years. I was a college student, and so was he, when we got married. But that is not the norm for successful marriages. People that get engaged or married too young generally don't last for the long haul. They start thinking they missed out on their single days, or they end up having children too young before they are ready to handle that amount of stress and responsibility. No reason you can't wait to become engaged until you are both done with college, and then get engaged and married. Maybe you're afraid she'll meet someone else while going to separate colleges and you want a higher level of commitment beforehand to assure she feels more commited, but I would suggest waiting nevertheless. Just keep in contact daily, make frequent trips out to see her, like every weekend, if you can. You do need to be there to nurture the relationship and stay emotionally close. My son got engaged and married at 23, just out of college. He had to travel quite a ways to meet his gf every weekend--a six hour drive one way, during college, since they both went to separate colleges. But they made that kind of temporary long distance relationship work by staying in close contact (daily phone calls, weekend visits), and they are now happily married for the last three years. So it can work if you maintain the contact enough and keep enough face time to keep the relationship strong and connected. Phone calls are not enough. There needs to be frequent meet ups as well.

[setsenia]

I think you're too young to get engaged. I was 19 when I got engaged, and still 19 when I was married, and I'm still married to the same man after all these years. I was a college student, and so was he, when we got married. But that is not the norm for successful marriages. People that get engaged or married too young generally don't last for the long haul. They start thinking they missed out on their single days, or they end up having children too young before they are ready to handle that amount of stress and responsibility. No reason you can't wait to become engaged until you are both done with college, and then get engaged and married. Maybe you're afraid she'll meet someone else while going to separate colleges and you want a higher level of commitment beforehand to assure she feels more commited, but I would suggest waiting nevertheless. Just keep in contact daily, make frequent trips out to see her, like every weekend, if you can. You do need to be there to nurture the relationship and stay emotionally close. My son got engaged and married at 23, just out of college. He had to travel quite a ways to meet his gf every weekend--a six hour drive one way, during college, since they both went to separate colleges. But they made that kind of temporary long distance relationship work by staying in close contact (daily phone calls, weekend visits), and they are now happily married for the last three years. So it can work if you maintain the contact enough and keep enough face time to keep the relationship strong and connected. Phone calls are not enough. There needs to be frequent meet ups as well.

 

 

Same here. 18 when I was engaged, a month away from 19 when I got married. Been married 4 years now, no kids. We got married about a year after living together and we've been in college 5 years and together 6 years. I couldn't imagine waiting longer than that for marriage, because by the time we are done with college we will have been together 7 years. We've mostly been going to school part time and working due to other obligations that kept us from finishing sooner. I felt that if we were going to be living together long term and making financial commitments to each other, it made sense to get married. (Been 100% financially on my own since 18, husband helped me with a roof over my head and other expenses. Got financial aid for college).

[hotloader]

My advice to any young man thinking of tying the know is to go ahead and do it. You've got a small chance at being happy for the rest of your life, and if your marriage fails (something like 60-70% of them do these days), you'll bounce back and have a totally different outlook on life in general.

 

There's nothing being processed through the meat grinder of divorce and the legal process of divorce court to make you value your life and freedom once it's all over and done with. Most men learn their lesson the first time around, but some are stupid and keep repeating the process until they go insane, wind up penniless, or both.

 

I'm sure you love your girlfriend, and I'm happy for you, I really am. I wish you both the best of luck. Statistically speaking however, the odds are against you. By my own admission, I'm a jaded and very negative individual when it comes to these issues, but in this case I'm just citing the facts and stats of the matter.