analystfromhell Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Second marriage, wife has had EA (last summer) which prompted us to start marriage counseling. The counselor initially gave up on us- we have a very difficult time communicating- then we made some progress up until Christmas and haven't been back since. Most of our problems seem to stem from communication or the lack of it. We easily get on each others nerves and conversations rapidly develop into non-productive arguing. I'm not happy but not really up for divorce. She's not happy either I'm guessing. I'm 50, she's 39 and known each other since 03 and married since 06. It's my second marriage- we met at the tail end of my last marriage. It's probably easier to let things drag on but that's what I did with my last marriage and it completely sucked. This time we have no kids, haven't been together that long, have completely separate finances, no shared assets (although we live in the same house it's my mortgage). I'm not sure if I'm asking for encouragement, advice or admonishment- just needed to vent. Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 From a very young age, we are taught that quitting equals losing. As a result, many people continue to do the wrong thing for far too long. I would say, if you are asking when the right time is to call it quits, it's time. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Yeah, it sometimes goes that way. Try mediation. It worked for us. Relatively pain-free D. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 Analyst, Ea's are marriage killers. If you haven't moved on, maybe you should find out why. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 Analyst, Ea's are marriage killers. If you haven't moved on it's gonna die. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 Second marriage, wife has had EA (last summer) which prompted us to start marriage counseling. The counselor initially gave up on us- we have a very difficult time communicating- then we made some progress up until Christmas and haven't been back since. Most of our problems seem to stem from communication or the lack of it. We easily get on each others nerves and conversations rapidly develop into non-productive arguing. I'm not happy but not really up for divorce. She's not happy either I'm guessing. I'm 50, she's 39 and known each other since 03 and married since 06. It's my second marriage- we met at the tail end of my last marriage. It's probably easier to let things drag on but that's what I did with my last marriage and it completely sucked. This time we have no kids, haven't been together that long, have completely separate finances, no shared assets (although we live in the same house it's my mortgage). I'm not sure if I'm asking for encouragement, advice or admonishment- just needed to vent. we have communication problems too... well, my wife has... at least you too can have an argument, I can't have one... she avoids them at all costs and leaves me very frustrated... if my wife had an EA, I would be out of the door pretty quickly, especially in a situation like yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Breezy Trousers Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 (edited) Analyst, when I read your post, I suspected you and your wife began your relationship via an affair. Sure enough, one your earlier posts says as much (i.e., you began your relationship when you were separated from your wife and your current wife was living with her boyfriend). From what I've read on the OW forum and witnessed from afar, affairs-turned-marriages are far more likely to experience infidelity -- and faster! Have you addressed the possibility your wife may have an addiction which makes it difficult for her to want to address issues? Once people cross the line into infidelity, it becomes easier to do it again. Affairs produce intense highs, and sex/love addiction experts say that those highs are just like drugs --- a great way of masking & avoiding problems. The infidelity temptation can easily show up 4-7 years into a marriage, which is when the "newness" high is gone and the real work of relationship begins. People will either start growing together or falling apart ..... In her memoir on love/sex addiction, Desire, Susan Cheever, who left husbands for affair partners, said most of the problems in her affairs-turned-marriages began around the 4th year of marriage. MC can't really deal with sex/romance addiction, IMO. Usually a 12-step program is needed in addition to MC. If a marriage partner routinely demonstrates comfort with deceiving others, this suggests a much deeper problem than the marriage itself ..... Contrary to popular belief, recovery programs are less focused on the addictive process and more focused on healing the self-will and self-centered behavior underlying all addictive processes. It's usually a cover for deeper pain that can't be addressed by a once-a-week MC session. Edited January 28, 2012 by Breezy Trousers Link to post Share on other sites
Author analystfromhell Posted January 31, 2012 Author Share Posted January 31, 2012 Thanks much breezy trousers (great UID btw). There is a pattern- both with the affairs and other aspects of our relationship... Case in point, she was throwing out a silver set which belonged to my grandmother out for the second time.... I found it in a bag on the way out and got very upset. She does this regularly- a lack of boundaries. I will try to see if she will go back to counseling.... It's not done wonders for me (yet) but it's an out and a support mechanism and so valuable than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Breezy Trousers Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 I hope you keep us posted, AFH. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 Are you open to trying to communicate more effectively? Link to post Share on other sites
locamia Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 As far as advice unfortunately I can't be of much help to you right now as I am in a similar situation. But in addition to Breezy Trousers' post which really struck a chord with me, I discovered an amazing and free online sex/love addiction recovery program if you want the name just PM me. Even if your wife wants nothing to do with it there's a section to help the partner heal and even just reading the info on there is eye-opening to say the least. Link to post Share on other sites
Author analystfromhell Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 I think we are both TRYING to communicate more effectively- of course we all know how hard it is to break habits especially if you are only partially aware of them! Neither of use is especially open about what's going on. She is pretty silent except for talk about work; I'm more effusive but not in a way she finds helpful.. As an offshoot of marriage therapy (which she hasn't wanted to restart and she's stopped seeing her own therapist) I've been working on myself in therapy and hoping that with time and effort it will become easier. Link to post Share on other sites
loveheart Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 I am glad to hear that you are working on yourself. I had a terrible time trying to understand why my husband did some of the things he did to me and finally I see its all about me taking care of me. Sometimes you have to do what's best for you. I haven't left yet but as the relationship worsens and he refuses therapy my hands are tied because I have children and am not ready financially to divorce. She probably has very low self esteem or as the other poster said an addiction. Iv visited 12 step program as well thinking that I may rely to much on sex to fix things in my marriage because his only fix to a disagreement or problem was sex,he hates communication. She has to be open and honest and be willing to give 100% to your marriage, don't take substitutes she may offer you to fill the void,not even sex. Communication is the way to make it work but it takes two,plus some outside help. Stay strong, dont forget to love yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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