skelterhelter Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 I'm not sure I understand the concept of projection, when the cheater accuses the victim (essentially the betrayed partner) of cheating. It seems to happen a lot in many cases of infidelity. But, here's what I'm confused about. I myself have never cheated. I think it's probably about the most deplorable act of betrayal one can do to a partner. But I will admit I have been suspicious of infidelity and accused my partner of cheating a lot; to the point where it eats away at me and interferes with my life. How could I be projecting in that case? So, what I'm wondering for those that have dealt with this before... In cases where you have suspected your partner of cheating... Did they ever project on to you? Or are they just naturally suspicious people? This is where the lines get blurred for me. How do you know if they are being suspicious/insecure or really cheating? And for you yourself.... have you ever accused someone of cheating and not been a cheater yourself? Sorry if this is worded somewhat oddly or off-topic for this particular forum. I'm really just looking to hear stories about your experiences with projection. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 (edited) Projection is a psychological defense mechanism wherein a person attributes their own undesirable thoughts or feelings to someone else. This occurs on the subconscious level -- the person doing the projecting is likely repressing as well, then they accuse the other person of having precisely the same thoughts/feelings that they are unable to resolve in themselves. If they were to become fully aware of their thought/feelings it would result in cognitive dissonance. So, if your belief system dictates that anyone who has thoughts of cheating is a bad person, and being a good person is paramount to your own self image, yet you are tempted to cheat, and instead of being aware of your conflicting thoughts/feelings and resolving them, you accuse your partner of cheating or being tempted, etc., that is projection. If however, you are not having such thoughts yourself and are merely suspicious without justification, then that's probably some combination of paranoia and/or extreme jealousy, which are based on fear rather than dissonance. Edited January 25, 2012 by salparadise Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Not everyone who cheats projects onto their betrayed partner---it depends on the psychological makeup of the individual. So, if someone is being suspicious, it doesn't necessarily mean they are cheating themselves--it's not a surefire indicator. They may be reacting to red flags ---either real OR imagined.Again, depending on the individual. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skelterhelter Posted January 25, 2012 Author Share Posted January 25, 2012 (edited) Very interesting responses, thank you. Salparadise, I appreciate the deeper explanation of projection. And freestyle, what you said makes sense about each individual being different. I guess the reason I ask is because I dated someone who was suspicious of my whereabouts from the first few days we even met/hung out. He badgered me with calls (three a day), and would call from different phones to see if I'd pick up and seemed miffed that I couldn't go to a movie with him right away and had to postpone til Wednesday of the following week (I had other obligations--my brother's birthday, work, and wouldn't have the money to go to a movie until after payday of the following week. I didn't wanna assume he'd pay for me since it was a first date and I didn't know the guy's financial situation). He even said to me, "Can I ask you a weird question...why is it you don't want to hang out with me til Wednesday? I thought you'd want to see me as soon as possible." Ever since then he was suspicious of my whereabouts (especially on Mondays and Tuesdays). He either didn't believe that I was at work, or wondered where I was on the day I was off. He seemed TRULY insecure about it. But here's the kicker: Besides that ONE time I had to cancel--and this was before we even made that first movie date--I always responded to his calls, asked him to hang out, followed up on plans, etc. I don't cheat and I don't lie. In fact, HE blew off plans quite a few times and kinda became less clingy over time. What do you make of that? Edited January 25, 2012 by skelterhelter Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 Maybe his previous romantic interest cheated on him, and played a lot of games with his head.... That could have left him with a lot of baggage that he hasn't worked through yet. Infidelity can do a lot of damage that takes a LONG time to heal from, depending on the circumstances, and the individual.........One of the first things that can be severely damaged is a person's capacity for trust. (like a gift that keeps on giving---the fallout for the betrayed party can linger long past the end of a relationship--depending on the individual's resiliency) No, it isn't fair for the new people--to be labeled as untrustworthy right off the bat. At the same time, it's hard to blame someone for approaching cautiously, & keeping their eyes wide open---being slow to trust. Myself---I've learned the hard way to wait for someone to EARN my trust. I got badly burned by accepting someone on good faith.......... OR Maybe he wasn't cheated on before, and he's just truly controlling/paranoid. There are abusive types who will want to control every moment of your free time. I dated one like that as a teenager--he would blow a gasket if I showed up 20 minutes late........*shudder* It's hard to make an accurate assessment until you know someone's history a little better........... Link to post Share on other sites
BeyondtheClouds Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I'm starting to think that projecting and demonizing have some things in common. What I consider to be demonizing is to identify some aspect of a person whether real or perceived that serves as evidence that this person is odious and, therefore, deserving of poor treatment. I think the most common strategy in demonizing is to claim that someone has no friends, ergo, they're not likable and therefore not worthy of decent treatment. In this way projecting is similar because a cheater is trying to justify their behavior by suggesting that their partner must be cheating as well. I guess demonizing is different from projecting since very few people would ever want to admit that they have no friends. SH, in the case that you mention, that guy was controlling and I would avoid someone like that from the beginning. IF I have not made a firm commitment to that person, then I owe them nothing and would be concerned about a relative stranger having those kinds of expectations that you mentioned. I wouldn't call him projecting just controlling. Link to post Share on other sites
New_Life08 Posted February 14, 2012 Share Posted February 14, 2012 Hello, Projection doesn't necessarily mean you are projecting an identical act. Projection is trying to see in someone else what we resent in ourselves. In your case it could be your perception is the culprit. The unconscious mind is a powerful tool in the way we perceive our environment. So, projection can be caused by repression; which leads to a distorted perception of another's motives, and even paranoia. If there are no red flags that would cause any reasonable person to question a partner, yet accuse the person anyway, then you probably need counseling to deal with your insecurities before you can maintain a healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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