Do you hate your husband?

[whichwayisup]

I will stay off those other boards. When I think about it they seem to attract idiots no matter what the topic is.

 

See? you're thinking about it now.. And noticing that it isn't helping you, it just feeds you to that unhealthy way of feeling and reacting. That's good!

[soserious1]

Why is our job? Because this is a 'help' forum and as a member (atleast this is how I feel) it IS part of my job to help someone, try to reach them and try my best to make a difference in their life that will ease some of their pain and strife.

 

That's really nice but at some point people need more help than can be provided by an online group of civilians who also come here for advice concerning their own problems.

 

These boards carry the disclaimer that membership here isn't a substitute for real professional help & I respectfully suggest that Woggle needs to confide in his therapist about the true nature of what he does online & perhaps attend couple's counseling with his wife so that he can share news of his illness with her & get her input on how his issues are playing out in the marriage . I can't believe that he becomes this regularly obsessed with negative thinking about women & that it NEVER spills over into real life.

[Els]

I will stay off those other boards. When I think about it they seem to attract idiots no matter what the topic is.

 

You've said this like ten times. Hopefully the 11th time'll be the charm...

[xxoo]

That is not what it is at all. Honestly most of the time it is to be reassured that not all women think that way. I admit the way I do it is not right though. Nothing I do is intended to use or abuse anybody.

 

Maybe I should say that but when I am mad I do not think clearly.

 

Here, you are sounding just like an abuser

You were mad. You didn't mean it that way. You don't intend to abuse anybody....

 

You can't truly abuse us, because we can just ignore you. Whatever.

 

But do you truly not turn this kind of insecurity on your wife? Question her, distrust her, accuse her? Distance yourself from her? Feel anger toward her?

 

The most twisted thing is--you are what you hate. You will continue to hate, because YOU are your clearest evidence of the "hatred" between the genders. You'll never believe that the rest of us don't feel it because YOU feel it.

[Woggle]

I make a concerted effort to keep this away from her. I might be a bit distant but I don't sit there and accuse her.

 

I don't see how I am abusive towards anybody on this board. I thought it was a place where people can vent and seek advice for their issues. If I hurt anybody by my words and they feel hated I apologize.

 

I am genuinely making the effort not to look at this stuff. I will look at funny cat videos on youtube or something else instead.

[Pyro]

I am in counseling. The problem with me is that I very much don't want to mistrust women but every time I hear about a guy going through drama with a woman I just turn angry. When I read misandrist comments or when I hear them from any particular woman I just get angry. It sets off all types of defenses against the kind of crap I have been dealing with most of my life until recently.

 

I find it VERY difficult to believe you that you are in counseling.....unless you have some counselor still in college because he is doing a crappy job.

 

You may not like meds but if you have a disorder (such as bi-polar ism) then you really have no choice unless you enjoy being messed up. No counseling is going to help that.

 

The difference is is that in the comments on those articles both men and women call those guys jerks but let a man get hurt and there is a bunch of you go girl kind of comments. I admit not so much on this board but just look at the Daily Mail or AOL and click on any gender related article.

 

Just like you on here, people on there comment for the sole purpose of getting a reaction. The fact that you take it so seriously says a lot about your intelligence.

 

I make a concerted effort to keep this away from her. I might be a bit distant but I don't sit there and accuse her.

 

You keep remaining distant then she really will leave you eventually, but deep down that is what you want and in all honesty would be the best thing to ever happen to you.

[soserious1]

I make a concerted effort to keep this away from her. I might be a bit distant but I don't sit there and accuse her.

 

I don't see how I am abusive towards anybody on this board. I thought it was a place where people can vent and seek advice for their issues. If I hurt anybody by my words and they feel hated I apologize.

 

I am genuinely making the effort not to look at this stuff. I will look at funny cat videos on youtube or something else instead.

 

With the level of obsession you've described to us in the past ie: comments from those trashy web sites "ruining your entire day" do you really believe that all of this is having zero impact on your marriage?

 

Also, from what I've seen you don't come here and DIRECTLY express feelings, you construct posts that are like circular loops, with everybody jumping through hoops attempting to prove to you that they aren't like those women on those trashy forums.. then people rush to soothe you, to stick up for you, then you apologize.. till the next round.

 

I respectfully suggest that you level with your therapist, show him/her this thread & others like it that you've posted. I'd also suggest you work with your therapist to find a skilled marriage counselor.. that you get your wife to accompany you to a few sessions & that you level with her as to the extent

of your problems & allow her to talk about how she views this marriage and your behaviors in it.

 

If after your bad 1st marriage, you chose to stay single I could respect your POV regarding women, but you chose to get married again. Right now you are cheating yourself & your wife out of true intimacy, you are not sharing honestly with her, not giving her a chance to truly be supportive of her.

 

Cruising the web looking for evidence that all women are basically no good & posting here is hurting, not helping you IMHO.

[Woggle]

I am in counseling but I admit I don't even tell him certain things. Honestly I know I am messed up and I am not proud of it. I admit all the time it is not healthy to think the way I do but I am stuck here because in a sick way it is how I prevent myself from becoming a doormat.

 

I do not comment for the sole purpose of getting a reaction. It is not an excuse but I just do not think clearly when I am in one of those moods. I understand why people think I am a troll but I really am this messed up.

 

Tonight I will take her out and be romantic instead of sitting here seething about what some idiots on the internet are posting. Maybe I should stop letting my ex and my mother have that much power over my life.

[johan]

There you go with the "maybe" again.

 

These are good decisions, Woggle. Stick to them. And make more.

[Woggle]

There you go with the "maybe" again.

 

These are good decisions, Woggle. Stick to them. And make more.

 

Because I can't guarantee anything. I did that in the past and I time and time again I let myself and others down. I might just be messed up without any hope of getting better but I will make an effort. I am boycotting gender war crap online for a week and seeing what the results are.

[bentnotbroken]

I make a concerted effort to keep this away from her. I might be a bit distant but I don't sit there and accuse her.

 

I don't see how I am abusive towards anybody on this board. I thought it was a place where people can vent and seek advice for their issues. If I hurt anybody by my words and they feel hated I apologize.

 

I am genuinely making the effort not to look at this stuff. I will look at funny cat videos on youtube or something else instead.

 

 

1) I honestly believe you do not see that you are abusive in some of the things you say.

 

2) Yes, it is a place to vent and seek advice for all of us. That would include those of us who have been mistreated...the same as you.

 

3)I have taken a interest in more than a few people on this board(and others). The things that happen in their lives matter to me. I want to see them happy and I don't like to see them in pain. That requires me to open myself up to them and what they have gone through. Woggle, when you and your family faced sever weather a few months ago...many of us showed concern over your safety and well being. We have enjoyed reading your words of love for your wife and we have been angry for you when your maternal unit dumped her emotional shyte in your lap(even when you were only concerned for her safety). Yet I felt lumped into a category that I didn't fit into(have never fit there, don't have the desire, time or energy to fit there). I DID feel dumped on and most of all I felt sad. I have a daughter and I can't imagine her finding a man who would never truly love her(even if his lips were forming the words and his actions were lovable)because his heart was so hard and cold and he was just waiting for her to fit some lame narrow pissy view. I also have a son and I feel the same way about him meeting a woman like that. Why would someone waste another's life like that?

 

I had to back of your threads. You begin to remind me of the things Mr. Messy used to say. He always accused me of being out to get him...turns out I am the one who got "got". I wonder if in his mind he always had these little mind movies going about what I (and maybe other women) were supposedly thinking and really about. It is clear he showed me, his daughter, his mother, my mother, my sister, his sister, OW, her daughthers, her mother, her sister(all women by the way) NO respect and he treated each of them like crap by his actions. I do pray you find your peace, but it certainly WON'T come by emotional constipation or verbal diaherrea. You should want BETTER than that and INSIST on having.

[Woggle]

I don't put you in that category. I am never personal against any woman on here but I know it is not fair to paint with such a broad brush.

[whichwayisup]

I am in counseling but I admit I don't even tell him certain things. Honestly I know I am messed up and I am not proud of it. I admit all the time it is not healthy to think the way I do but I am stuck here because in a sick way it is how I prevent myself from becoming a doormat.

I do not comment for the sole purpose of getting a reaction. It is not an excuse but I just do not think clearly when I am in one of those moods. I understand why people think I am a troll but I really am this messed up.

 

Tonight I will take her out and be romantic instead of sitting here seething about what some idiots on the internet are posting. Maybe I should stop letting my ex and my mother have that much power over my life.

 

Bolded part. What you put into therapy is what you get out of it. You've not completely opened up to your therapist, I think you're totally afraid of letting go and dealing with stuff so you can change. CHANGE IS SCARY, but it has to be done if you want a happier life, a healthier life. Be honest with your therapist, no need to hide stuff or omit/lie to her. By doing that, you're wasting your own money,, might as well flush it down the can.

 

2nd bolded part, that's impossible unless you completely open up with your therapist about everything and you're really ready to commit and put 100 per cent effort into your recovery.

[soserious1]

I am in counseling but I admit I don't even tell him certain things. Honestly I know I am messed up and I am not proud of it. I admit all the time it is not healthy to think the way I do but I am stuck here because in a sick way it is how I prevent myself from becoming a doormat.

 

I do not comment for the sole purpose of getting a reaction. It is not an excuse but I just do not think clearly when I am in one of those moods. I understand why people think I am a troll but I really am this messed up.

 

Tonight I will take her out and be romantic instead of sitting here seething about what some idiots on the internet are posting. Maybe I should stop letting my ex and my mother have that much power over my life.

 

 

You want to give your wife (and yourself) a lasting gift? forget the "romantic evening" tomorrow morning, first thing, have the courage to pick up the phone & call your therapist, get an appointment & honestly share with him/her how you feel & what you've been up to online.

 

Woggle, you say you want to get better, you are never going to heal if you cannot be totally open & honest with the person treating you. You will never feel true connection & safety in your marriage until you can let your wife inside your thoughts.

 

Don't just "try" to avoid certain web sites, pick up the phone & reach out honestly to your therapist!

[bentnotbroken]

I am in counseling but I admit I don't even tell him certain things. Honestly I know I am messed up and I am not proud of it. I admit all the time it is not healthy to think the way I do but I am stuck here because in a sick way it is how I prevent myself from becoming a doormat.

 

I do not comment for the sole purpose of getting a reaction. It is not an excuse but I just do not think clearly when I am in one of those moods. I understand why people think I am a troll but I really am this messed up.

 

Tonight I will take her out and be romantic instead of sitting here seething about what some idiots on the internet are posting. Maybe I should stop letting my ex and my mother have that much power over my life.

 

 

Too late. You are a doormat. You are a doormat for Woggle. You walk all over him and his ability to find peace and true happiness...the kind that comes from within. Tell your counselor the truth..that will take some cojones. Are you up for the job?

[Pyro]

Because I can't guarantee anything. I did that in the past and I time and time again I let myself and others down. I might just be messed up without any hope of getting better but I will make an effort. I am boycotting gender war crap online for a week and seeing what the results are.

 

just a week? Is it that important to you to go back to it after a week?

 

How about instead of searching Google for hours that instead you spend that time with a real person.....like your wife.

 

You keep actively searching for it then you are correct that there is no hope.

[Woggle]

just a week? Is it that important to you to go back to it after a week?

 

How about instead of searching Google for hours that instead you spend that time with a real person.....like your wife.

 

You keep actively searching for it then you are correct that there is no hope.

 

I am taking it one step at a time. I figure if I promise myself a week with no hatred then if I see some positive results it will give me the motivation to go another week and another week until that way is natural for me.

[xxoo]

I am taking it one step at a time. I figure if I promise myself a week with no hatred then if I see some positive results it will give me the motivation to go another week and another week until that way is natural for me.

 

1. Identify the reason you turn to this internet crap, when it is clearly bad for you. What is the BAD FEELING you are feeling when you seek this stuff out? Fear? Insecurity? Weakness?

 

2. Learn some new coping strategies to deal with that bad feeling. What ELSE can you do when you are feeling afraid, insecure, weak, etc? List a few things. Brainstorm. For example: go to the gym, take a walk on the boardwalk, call a good friend, make an appt with your counselor, ???

 

To break a habit, you have to form a new habit. Instead of focusing on stopping this behavior, focus on what you will do instead of this.

[dreamingoftigers]

Woggle, as hooked as you are on the activity, could it be anxiety when your wife is either getting too close/too distant from you?

[Woggle]

Woggle, as hooked as you are on the activity, could it be anxiety when your wife is either getting too close/too distant from you?

 

Too close and that is because I am afraid of getting my heart torn out again.

 

 

I seek out this stuff when I start thinking about all the stuff myself and other men I know have been through. I just start seething and I search this stuff out.

[Dust]

Too close and that is because I am afraid of getting my heart torn out again.

 

 

I seek out this stuff when I start thinking about all the stuff myself and other men I know have been through. I just start seething and I search this stuff out.

 

I'm going to give you some great advice that if you take it will help you and solve your problem. Just stop worrying about it. You obviousy want a wife or you wouldn't have one. Wives out there obviously hate their husband. Your wife may now or one day hate you. Thats out of your control. Just enjoy your wife while you can and if she leaves you or gets kidnapped know that you will be ok. You've been through this before and now you know you can make it. So enjoy good times and don't spend your life scared.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm going to give you some great advice that if you take it will help you and solve your problem. Just stop worrying about it. You obviousy want a wife or you wouldn't have one. Wives out there obviously hate their husband. Your wife may now or one day hate you. Thats out of your control. Just enjoy your wife while you can and if she leaves you or gets kidnapped know that you will be ok. You've been through this before and now you know you can make it. So enjoy good times and don't spend your life scared.

 

Dust, you basically just said: "here are the top 6 things that trigger, fear anger and loathing in you, you are completely helpless and at their mercy. Now relax, forget about them and enjoy life."

 

Ha ha, so simple! Right?

[Woggle]

I also think a large part of it has to do with the fact that despite the obviously destructive elements me developing this attitude after my divorce did have it's positives. Afterwards I excelled in my career, made a ton of money, lost weight and got healthy and generally grew a spine. My swagger was off the charts in those days.

 

I think that after my divorce it was just the perfect storm. My ex betrayed me in every way, my mother pretty much showed what she really felt about me and I witnessed the worst kind of women through my job. Not only did I have to work with two cheating women but I had to deal with some of the wealthiest people in NJ and for the most part the women in this particular group were just awful.

 

I saw so many women who cheated on their husbands and felt no guilt whatsoever plus saw women who clearly despised their husbands but were to use to the lifestyle to give it up. When they were together you could sense the contempt and the snide remarks. My worst nightmare was being married to these women. Also from what I heard from people who have been there for ages it never failed that after she had the second kid the wife would then all of a sudden fall out of love with her husband and divorce him while taking everything. There was nothing whatsoever loving about these woman and they swore they were the most empowered women on earth. I am talking about a certain group of women though and not all women I have known.

 

After what I have witnessed and experienced it is very hard to see women as romantic and loving even when a bunch of evidence is put right in front of my face. What I witnessed while going through a very traumatic demise of a marriage just seems etched in my brain and I don't know how to replace it with something positive. It doesn't help that I can go on so many sites and see comments like the ones I always used to hear.

 

None of this is an excuse but it does explain the roots of why I find it so hard to let go. It is because I have a hard time seeing women as romantic and loving after what I have seen.

[whichwayisup]

None of this is an excuse but it does explain the roots of why I find it so hard to let go. It is because I have a hard time seeing women as romantic and loving after what I have seen.

 

then you must talk to your wife and ask her to give you more reasurrance, more love, to show you that she loves you, makes you feel secure and cared for. COMMUNICATION is so important. I'm sure if she knew that you need this from her, she'd willingly do this, no questions asked.

 

You need to trust your own wife and have faith. LOOK and remember at all the positives since you've been married to her. Focus on HER. Not the outside world.

[Woggle]

then you must talk to your wife and ask her to give you more reasurrance, more love, to show you that she loves you, makes you feel secure and cared for. COMMUNICATION is so important. I'm sure if she knew that you need this from her, she'd willingly do this, no questions asked.

 

You need to trust your own wife and have faith. LOOK and remember at all the positives since you've been married to her. Focus on HER. Not the outside world.

 

She does go out of her way. I can be in a room with 9 very happy couples and one miserable one where the wife treats the husband like crap and two hours later all I will remember is the miserable one.

 

Seeing what I saw really messed up my perspective.