How to begin feeling better

[Whistles75]

Hi all,

 

 

Sad to say, I believe I have finally found my home on this site:( I have posted a few times on a few other boards months ago when I was struggling to find out what had gone wrong in my marriage and why my husband acted the way he did. I now know of course, and it is like a punch to the gut. He started an affair with a woman at work last June. They would go to her house for lunch, for their "good time" together. This affair lasted until Feb of this year. I was just told by my husband last week. I had my suspicions even last summer but he denied it and he was always home after work, so I had no proof.He covered his tracks very well.

 

We have been together for 7 years, and before the affair we were a great couple. No complaints from either side. In fact, we always believed we had something pretty unique and special. We felt lucky to have that.

 

It all went downhill when I was in my 6th month of pregnancy. We started out pretty excited about being pregnant, and then in my 3rd trimester I felt him get a bit distant from me. I also was pretty hormonal and reacted like a crazy woman to stuff for awhile. Anyway our daughter was born and we rejoiced and things fell back into place...or so I thought. It was when our daughter was about 6 months old that he began sleeping with her. I will admit I was pretty preoccupied with the baby at the time, I had decided to breastfeed for a year and the pregnancy weight was not going away, in fact I put on more weight after. I am 4'11, and have always been a petite girl, but the "after baby body" was killing my self image. I was not feeling sexy at all. I am sure their are other women who can relate.

 

In August of last year he finally came out with those dreaded words of I love you, but I'm not in love with you...and divorce was mentioned. I got us in to counseling immediately, to which he agreed and thus we began working on the marriage. Or so I thought. I also stopped breastfeeding in November and began running 3 times a week. I just fit into my pre-pregnancy pants last week...Boy was that a good feeling! Anyway...

 

He had fallen in love with this person, and he also didn't want to lose his little girl so he stayed torn and kept the affair hidden from everyone including the counselor. I was kept in limbo for months about the future of our marriage,...although finally sometime in March he finally admitted to only an emotional affair with this person.

 

I am having a lot of trouble dealing with it all now. He says he didn't start out pursuing her, that it did just happen, and that over time he fell in love/lust with her. She ended it in Feb, because he was still with me...but he tells me he tried to talk to her to find out why she ended it and she wouldn't respond to him anymore. We separated on March 17, and he went to go stay at a friends. He was having trouble getting over her, at the time I believed it was all about me. He did meet with her for drinks one last time at the end of March to let her know he had moved out and was she still interested. She was not and so he let go. Over the last month he is all of the sudden noticing me again and being affection-et. So I think things are improving...we are having a good time again and he starts talking about coming home and making our marriage better. He finally told me about the affair because he could not come back without it in the open. It was "killing him" and he needed me to know how bad he feels...whatever.

 

I know he is full of it with his "sorrys"...I mean I feel like such 2nd choice. He has not told me he loves me since our daughter was born, and he hasn't said it yet. I think it's because he's been telling her all year those things and it's too weird to start telling me that. I wouldn't believe it anyway. I am really trying to find the silver lining, the ray of hope. He has agreed to find another job immediately, and he is trying really hard now...and of course he's saying all the right things...but I feel so used, lied to, betrayed, abused, and hollow...

 

Help please...I really could use some guidance.

 

Rachel

[sarayanna]

Rachel,

 

I went through pretty much the same thing. My husband was having an affair with a girl at work the whole time we were planning our wedding - pretty much as we were walking down the aisle (I still have my doubts it ended there). Same thing you described - he was home every evening and didn't show any outright signs, kept it from the counselor, etc. Somehow I just knew though.

 

The truth came out about a year into our marriage. I threw him out and was ready to sign papers but, from the encouragement of friends and family members, we sought counseling.

 

Counseling helped me get over my anger and resentment and made me realize our marriage was worth saving. It was shortly into counseling I found out I was pregnant through all of this and allowed him to move back in.

 

Now, four years later, I am happy we sought counseling because things did get better and the resentment is no longer there. I will say, however, that we did not work on the issues in our relationship that contributed to the affair in the first place and I am now realizing we need to continue to try to work on other issues. I am hopeful we can work through this.

 

In your shoes, I would definitely try counseling to see if it is salvageable, but also realize you don't deserve to be second best. Good luck and take care!