Husband's lies have hurt my marriage

[wcutu]

I am have been married for 20 years. My husband and I are in are mid-40s and we have three school-aged children. I am writing because I am struggling to come to terms with my marriage as it is now, as opposed to what I believed it to be for so many years. My husband lies. About many, many things but most importantly about money. And when he is questioned or caught he is angry, manipulative, passive aggressive and more recently borderline abusive. Our oldest daughter suffered a brain injury when she was one and afterwards I discovered that we were $65,000 in debt. I knew nothing of it. My husband threatened suicide, begged me to file for bankruptcy. He forbid me to tell anyone as he was too fragile. He was still grieving the loss of our daughter’s whole future and I needed to take are of him. (She can no longer walk, talk, or see. She has significant cognitive impairments. She is also beautiful and relatively healthy. To me she is an angel here on Earth. Not to say it isn’t hard, but it is worth it.)

 

Over the next ten years if I would question our finances he would become angry. I was wrong to question him, what kind of women does that to her husband, if I had forgiven him why would I ever ask such things, can’t I see what an important job, volunteer activity, parenting responsibility he had and how could I expect him to take the time to review our finances with me. We even decided that I should quit my secure public sector job because his career was taking off and he could no longer be expected to contribute at home. I took a one year leave and that year we saved $25,000. It looked we could indeed live on one salary so I quit. He was fired soon after that and I was very supportive. Why wouldn’t I be? Of course it wasn’t his fault! Plus, we had plenty of money in the bank and even more in investments.

 

He got a new position at less than half the pay and he was miserable. Then I discovered that he had lied on a previous tax return and had been caught. After much arguing and suicide threats over time he confessed to another $100,000 in debt. Then another IRS audit came. Each time he was caught he would swear there was nothing else and of course there was. Turns out the budget spreadsheets he had been showing me were fake. He had a PO Box where bills were sent. He had another bank account and had been splitting his pay rather than investing it in a 401K and other stocks like I had been told/shown. So many “perks” from his job had really just been coming out his/our pocket.

 

I borrowed money from family, negotiated with the IRS, put us on a REAL budget, refinanced the house, got a part-time job and we slowly dug out of the mess. I also told him I wanted him to leave. He refused. For me to go I would have to take the kids and with my daughter's equipment that was an almost impossible task. He was horrible to me. We went to marriage counseling - he lied to her. At home he would acknowledge that Yes, he had lied - but I forced him to because I was “hard to talk to” about money. That is simply not true. Yes, he had lied - but it was over now and I was clearly the one with the problem. I eventually sought support from a women’s group who helped me to see that I was right to ask him to take responsibility for his actions, to stop blaming me and to ask him to make reparations. He was offended by all of this.

 

He got fired again and now has a better job. I was able to land a flexible full-time job which I love. We are getting along better and he is no longer actively attacking me. But he is not doing anything to repair the marriage either. Our 20th wedding anniversary came recently and he promised me a diamond ring. We didn’t have the money for the ring so I declined. He got angry because we were going to have the money, he was sure of it, when he gets his year end bonus. I still declined and so the ruined anniversary was all my fault. He did NOT get a bonus. I don’t know how we would have paid for that ring.

 

At this point I am just over him. I am not perfect. I am a big personality and I am honest to a fault. But when I forgave him 10 years ago when his lies first came to light I truly meant it. Now I am not sure I’ll ever forgive him, let alone respect or love him. He just wants me to be back to being happy, generous and as “husband-focused” as I used to be. I just can’t. What do I do? How can I trust him again? How can I forgive him when he only acknowledges the smallest amount of culpability? How can I respect him when I know he does not respect me? How do continue to try to be a good mom and wife when my heart is broken? I am at a loss.

[Philosoraptor]

It seems like he has too much pride to accept a failure. Instead of accepting things and working on them, he denies them (probably to himself as well) and lies to you about them. The marriage therapist is good and all.. but he needs a lot of self therapy. A marriage is a team effort and he seems to want control over things, to be the man so to speak.

 

I can't give any real advice here. If it was me, no level of comfort could make it worth staying there. I would much rather struggle in life then live unhappy with an abuser who lies about marital issues.

[bigmomma1974]

how ironic is this I signed out to discuss this same exact thing. Although I have only been married going on 4 yrs. he lies about the littlest things and it hurts and hurts alot. My brain is scrambled and I truelly do not know what to do. Im scared lost and confused. Sometimes I feel like telling him to pack his bags and leave but its to hard to because I truelly love him with ever ounce of my being.

Take some time and think on this and if you want him to leave go file seperation papers that state your to remain in the home due to your daughters needs and he has 72 hours to leave or something like that.eMaybe just maybe if you do that it may wake hhim up. I dont know if your still in love with him and want to work it out or not but if you do then this may help. Good luck hun.

[dreamingoftigers]

You have my deepest empathies and sympathies. I am also married to a mind-****er like this.

 

He can't stay honest about things and when directly questioned he blame-shifts, shames, threatens the stability of the marriage and disappears. He claims it is all your fault for "shaming him" and that I should be able to trust him because "that was in the past."

 

His version of "past" and mine differ broadly. "past" seems to mean, "it hasn't happened today."

 

And their force of emotion and "moral standpoint" tends to be very good at getting you to back off or explode. And when you back off, he'll push until you agree and if you explode then "clearly you are acting crazy." if you withdraw from feeling etc, they may play nice for a time realizing that they may lose. But they'll only put in what they feel they have to or want to and then "you are the one who just can't get past this. You are being unforgiving."

 

Pffft.

 

Among the difference between mine and your is that I have caught him out so many times that there has had to be a little acceptance that he is a compulsive liar/addict. In fact I have told him that there is no point checking anything anymore because all it proves is that "you will lie and I already know that."

 

My personal theory is that a lot of these guys still haven't gotten over Mom. They don't feel the need to be personally accountable because "them it's like your my mother, checking up on me." and when they get mad it's like they are screaming for that pathetic validation that they can't give themselves. "she thinks she can watch everything I do like she's my mother. Well I'll show her, I can do whatever I want!"

 

Most men know that they can do whatever they want but choose to do things which best serve their wives and family because it is the right thing to do. Our little boy/men can't seem to get past what they "deserve" and "want" and "need."

 

So what do you do with that?

 

I personally refuse to parent the whiny little ****. He gets no advice or input from me, unless he specifically asks. I don't watch him or check things. But I

lead a largely separate life. If he can show that he can be trustworthy, beyond all unreasonable doubts then I can be pretty forgiving.

 

You know your guy is taking responsibility when that defensive BS wall comes down and he is actually working with you to repair things while being remorseful. There was no excuse for what he did to you. It simply isn't okay.

 

Whether you pack it up or not is up to you, but either way don't let him screw with your finances anymore. Keep your things your own and divide up the picture until he can stop realizing that you aren't his mother, you are his partner and you sure wouldn't run a business with a jackass like this.

 

A lot of times our spouses think that they get a Golden Ticket because we married them. Quite frankly, it is the opposite. It means we should be able to trust them more then anyone else and their behavior should reflect that.

[wcutu]

Thank you for your insights. I guess if I was going to leave I would have done so by now. But my happiness is only part of the equation. My husband is a good father. While we would be in a much better financial place had he made different choices, the kids have never gone without. I never thought of him as prideful, just deceitful. I guess that makes sense though. I am definitely a mothering personality so I can see how that dynamic may have been at play in the past. But now I just don't care. I don't even let him start on how if I acted happier and more interested in him then he might be willing to go out of his way for me. When he says those things I walk away. I used to be really angry and really sad. Now I'm just indifferent and I think that may be worse. I am just having a hard time coming to terms with this sad state of affairs.

[wcutu]

I did catch him in lies before we started a family. But they were not earth-shattering. He would say he had called a repair man when in reality he hadn't. He would tell me had packed a lunch but instead go out to eat with friends. We definitely had arguments about it. But I knew I had my faults as well and decided that the good outweighed the bad.

 

The big lies I didn't know about AT ALL until after my daughter got hurt. For example, before kids we had a medical bill that insurance wouldn't cover. For three weeks he told me stories of how he was fighting with the insurance company to get them to pay. When he finally won I made of point of toasting him when we were out with friends for "slaying the Blue Cross dragon." Once things came out he told me had never called the insurance company at all. He just took out a credit card in his name and had the bill delivered to work.

 

Was I a fool? History shows I was. But I didn't know what I didn't know. The insurance bill stopped coming so I had no reason to check his story.

 

Now I take everything he says with a grain of salt. Everything could be a lie. I check up on the things that affect me and the kids. I manage all our money. I pull his credit report monthly. But I also don't have any interest in anything he talks about. It could all be lies. So I have withdrawn and he feels very indignant about that. He feels as his wife I owe him more focus and attention. I just can't fake it anymore.

[dreamingoftigers]

Something he hasn't figured out is that transactions in a marriage should be fairly equal.

 

If he provides you with honesty and dignity long enough to regain your trust, you would of course provide him with ample attention and trust and interest.

 

Nobody loves hanging out with the bull****ter at the party. It's just all about them and the things they have never done.

[dreamingoftigers]

I missed the suicidal thing.

 

Anyways, in reviewing your story: you guys sound do much like my parents. My sister is autistic and living at home. My brother is severely brain injured and lives on a hospital bed with equipment etc. in their living room.

 

My father is a real liar control freak. He always assured my mother that bills were taken care of etc. He always had money to do really flashy things etc, like drive a bunch of his staff to a concert in a limo that they were in prime seats for etc. Not once, but many times. Always showing off.

 

Never truly paying attention to my mother or the rest of us, but impressing people with his $. Then not paying taxes. He literally owes the value of his home to the government in taxes. If the oil boom and labour shortage had not happened exactly when it did in my province, followed by a recession where he was able to hold onto many of those existing contracts through economic hard times, he would have lost their home. Easily. He did end up becoming quite wealthy but largely because he used the tax money for close to ten years to reinvest into his company to grow it.

 

He is a promise-maker and breaker. He paid for cousin's education outright and when I asked about mine he told me that I should go do it on my own. Yeah, we never 'went without' but my Maternal Grandfather basically supported us through my childhood while my father put his business together. My mother wasn't cut off from her parent's welfare until well into her 40s.

 

My father's ****ty attitude towards his family was way more detrimental then if my mother would have dumped his ass and just been supported by her family until she married someone better. Or better yet, if she used her education (that her parents paid for) to get up off of her ass and do something for herself. I have no respect for either parent. But l moreso blame my

Mother actually. She knew my father was an idiot and always covered his ass, even to me, her child. She was more interested in keeping him around then making sure I was even treated with some basic dignity.

 

Is your husband by chance an alcoholic as well?

 

Where does the money go?