Rimer Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 Posted this in another thread but this article hit me so spot on in almost all points of it i'll list here the most. http://ezinearticles.com/?Four-Reaso...t-It&id=926553 Some that really hit me As an example when you have a low self esteem you'll settle for relationships that are less than healthy because you don't believe you're worthy of someone better Comfort- Settling because you're comfortable is a dangerous place. You don't even feel the negative effects until it's too late. When you're comfortable you stop growing and in nature the facts are if you're not growing you're dying. You may not see it right away but comfort can be the silent killer. You're comfortable because you haven't acknowledged any new goals! More importantly you haven't acknowledged any new passions! Fear- This is the root of settling. If there had to be a grandfather of it all it would be fear. People settle because they are afraid. Afraid of what? They are afraid of failure AND success. Afraid of success in their relationships, business, emotionally or even spiritually. So are you just also hanging onto a relationship because it felt safe, familiar, comfortable? If so I think this little piece of article could also open your eyes it did for me. I hope i'm on the road of improvement now. I don't feel like I'm fighting for the ex anymore i'm fighting for myself now. Find who am I Now I'm not saying all of you were possibly in a bad relationship or as to say just settled like after more and more I think about my RS it's starting to make more and more sense. We both didn't get all we wanted from the RS so we both pretty much went into IDLE mode Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 I held onto a bad relationship as I always believed things could get better. But one who loves unconditionally can not be happy with one who loves with conditions. By the time I realized such things I was too beaten down emotionally to ever believe that anyone could accept me the way that I was and my self esteem was in the toilet. Eventually I took a stand and said I didn't see myself changing anymore for an issue. This turned into a long fight that ended with her saying she couldn't accept being with me the way that I was, and that things could have worked if I could have changed. By that point in the relationship no one recognized me anymore as I was so much different then the person that I am, and very pessimistic and angry with the world rather than my normal bubbly self who forgives all wrongdoing. I'm so happy to be back to normal Anger hurts ourselves more than anything and I hold nothing against my ex, she is a very broken person who I hope finds happiness in this world. Link to post Share on other sites
Pens55 Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 I echo your thoughts philosoraptor. Some of us always believe it will get better, or we can fix it. Optimism is a great trait to have, but it also works to our detriment sometimes. I too felt like I lost myself and turned into someone I am not (angry, down, etc.). I put all my efforts into my ex and trying help her through her issues - eventually it wore me down to my breaking point. I am now in the process of finding myself again and accepting that, no matter how much you love someone or think they could be a wonderful person, there are some things that I cannot fix. And those issues ultimately do not allow for a true 2-way partnership. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rimer Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 I also agree with you both. I also turned into someone I wasnt. I didn't just care anymore. I became a pessimist, angry all the time. I used to be called a sweet kinda dude now I'm just a grumby fart. I want to find that old self back but it's been so many years that I don't even remember totally what I was like. I was so beaten down in the relationship where I gave everything to only get beaten down again and again.. I always thought she could change.. she didnt.. i was the one that started to change into someone I didnt want to be Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 You can make the choice to make these positive changes. I just looked back and started doing the things that used to make me really happy. I've found my old hobbies, started volunteering again, and just fell back into the natural order of things. I guess it was a bit easier for me, even though the negative changes took almost 5 years... I fought hard to keep my optimism and good view of the world. I regained my belief that you should do no harm to anyone, even if they do harm to you... and was able to find forgiveness in myself regards to the damage I did while in my negative pessimistic state. Link to post Share on other sites
Pens55 Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 Agreed. Im hoping that this discussion serves as a bit of a catalyst for me. When looking back at my relationship I (like everyone else) focus on how great my ex was and how happy I was. I need to start looking at the negatives as well. My ex is a good person, but certainly not as great as I think I remember. I also had a lot of pain and unhappiness in my R. Sometimes it helps to really put it in perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 What helped me was looking at everything from the outside and in a rational way. Though my feelings were there, no one should ever go through what I had to go through. Though all of this I was able to forgive her as I was able to see why she is the way she is and how her past and life influences made her the jaded person that she is today. I then just wish her well... even though still to this day I get the verbal attacks regarding separation of property. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rimer Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 didn't know where to post but... i'm going out tonight with some friends and getting hammered.. just a guys night out.. yeah! have a good weekend everyone.. i'm already getting wasted here 80% vodka 4 da win lol Link to post Share on other sites
Pens55 Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 What helped me was looking at everything from the outside and in a rational way. Though my feelings were there, no one should ever go through what I had to go through. Though all of this I was able to forgive her as I was able to see why she is the way she is and how her past and life influences made her the jaded person that she is today. I then just wish her well... even though still to this day I get the verbal attacks regarding separation of property. This is exactly where I am trying to go. Thanks for verbalizing it! Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 This is exactly where I am trying to go. Thanks for verbalizing it! You want the verbal attacks? Got quite the lashing yesterday even though I've been nothing more than cordial and respectful. But controlling people will act in crazy ways when you refuse to bend to their will. I found a lot of help by gathering back the inner peace that I had in the past. I gave The Dhammapada a read over and it reminded me very much of the life that I used to have. You can find it free online everywhere. While I do not consider myself Buddhist, or any other religion; I very much enjoy living a respectful and peaceful life. Link to post Share on other sites
Pens55 Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 haha you know what I mean. And yeah, I'll check it out..always up for a potentially good read Link to post Share on other sites
flyguy23 Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 Yeah I am def. holding onto a bad thing. She was a my first girlfriend and we dated for 5 years or so. Started at 18, I am now 23. I feel like I will never find a girl like her again and I let her back into my life constantly. We broke up in August and had limited contact until Christmas, she contacted that day and said she wanted me back. Well here we are a month later and made no progress. We fought daily and I think it is over for good now. I am starting NC again and hope to finally get rid of this bad relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 I didn't like myself in my relationship. I was angry so much of the time. I did not even know my self-esteem had gotten down so low until one day I was in couple's counseling and the therapist said something that made something inside me click. I knew the relationship was problematic, but I honestly did not know how incredibly bad it was until I got out of it. It's funny, my ex likes women with high self esteem. He complains about people with low self esteem. Yet his treatment helped to lower my self-esteem big time: pushing me away, treating me like garbage, and lies. I honestly didn't realize how bad I was being treated until I got out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
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