moosekaka Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 OK, some of you might know my story if not here it is: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=312249 bottomline, I thought I was making progress but it seems that as the month and new school quarter has gone on I am just stuck and am deteriorating in my performance. Today I even missed attending my weekly lab meeting as I just don't want to deal with facing my colleagues, much less her. I have a deadline with my professor and a meeting with him tomorrow and I have done **** all since last week. I show up in my cubicle and am like a zombie. On top of that, my last therapy session on Monday did not go too well in my opinion, I know therapists are human too but he seemed off and distant and maybe even impatient hearing me out, going over the same feelings I have had the last couple of weeks. I know one bad session does not mean I have to find a new therapists, but I would like to have a more productive session next time. I don't know how long I can tough this out, I know the world doesn't wait while you are heartbroken but I can't seem to make any progress in my work. I am on 20 mg prozac by the way and am continuing to go to gym/running everyday. While I do have the unbearable urge to talk to my ex, I also know that in my current state that would just bring more harm than good to both of us. Please offer any advice or encouragement, or even just call me out on my BS, thanks! also I was wondering if I should say anything to my professor/boss regarding my poor performance/difficulties? Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 First of all, your name always puts a smile on my face for obvious reasons! From one skydiver to another, it was a liberating experience and one that in some ways made me realize that if I can do that, I can do anything! Hope you enjoyed it! Moose, you're in difficult situation because the source of your pain is right infront of you. It's hard to detach when you're constantly reminded. I think you're doing great in trying to keep pushing through. I couldn't even go to the gym or even face the day with a straight face a couple of months after the breakup. And he was not even in close proximity. All you can do is keep doing positive things for yourself. I had to go through 5 therapists before I found the right one. One kept yawning. One just stared while I talked. One was always irritated. One just wrote and wrote and wrote. The sixth one was interactive and proactive. You have to find one that fits you and your needs. If after a few more sessions you find yourself perturbed rather than helped, maybe it would be time to find someone that provides you with a counselling style that is more suited for you. I don't see the harm in talking to your professor. What is the worse that can happen? He'll either tell you to suck it up or empathize and work out something with you. When I was going through my divorce, I was going to school and was struggling and worked it out with my professor. So it won't hurt to just discuss it. Keep working through this. That is all you can do. You're having to juggle more than one can take at a time. A broken heart, pressures of school work and having to be in her presence. Don't be so hard on yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moosekaka Posted January 26, 2012 Author Share Posted January 26, 2012 Keep working through this. That is all you can do. You're having to juggle more than one can take at a time. A broken heart, pressures of school work and having to be in her presence. Don't be so hard on yourself. Geegirl, thank you so much for your advice and words of encouragement, I have seen your posts to others and have always thought you gave very grounded advice and especially from a female point of view. My user name is actually a concatenation of my previous dog and his buddy, both have since passed away . You are right skydiving is very liberating but I don't think I will be doing it again anytime soon as my parents worry that its dangerous and especially now when they know I am emotionally disturbed, but I do eventually want to do a solo jump. I am not religious but I wished I could pray that I can come out of this alright and salvage a career/phD and at least a civil relationship with someone who was not just someone I cared for but took in and mentored and trusted completely... Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 (edited) Geegirl, thank you so much for your advice and words of encouragement, I have seen your posts to others and have always thought you gave very grounded advice and especially from a female point of view. My user name is actually a concatenation of my previous dog and his buddy, both have since passed away . You are right skydiving is very liberating but I don't think I will be doing it again anytime soon as my parents worry that its dangerous and especially now when they know I am emotionally disturbed, but I do eventually want to do a solo jump. I am not religious but I wished I could pray that I can come out of this alright and salvage a career/phD and at least a civil relationship with someone who was not just someone I cared for but took in and mentored and trusted completely... You don't have to be religious to put your thoughts and hopes out there. If you believe in it and want it hard and strong enough, I truly believe you will make it happen for yourself, whether through prayer or through your own determination and resilience. Plus you never know what other forces lurk out there that may be listening and gently supporting you through your journey! I think you have to stop worrying about the outcome of your relationship with your ex. You must focus on what is at hand. You. Your ex is in the past and expending energy on what you have no control over is energy wasted. I know it is hard not to pine but sometimes you literally have to snap yourself when you start to derail. Get busy. Set goals. Try to accomplish. Kill bad thoughts with good thoughts. Pick a selected few that you know that can be your circle of support when you need to be picked up or distracted and let them know you will be needing them. Keep up with the gym and running. Allow yourself a set amount of time each day to mope about her and then stop because that is all you will give yourself, then barrel through. Structure your days, everyday before you go to bed and follow through diligently. My therapist used to tell me I needed to discipline my brain. I had to learn how to take my mind down a different path than the one it's always been on. You must be proactive in your healing. Therapy and exercise is great but you must find other ways. It won't always be this way Moose. Yes, right now it seems bleak and empty. But you have so much going for you. If you think about it, this is a very small part of the grand scheme of things, which is the enormity of your life. A small sliver of the pie. Life won't always be this way. I truly believe things always have a way of working itself out. I've been defeated and broken many a time in my life but I keep pushing through. And you must too. Too many years ahead of you and what you make of it now will determine how good that pie is going to taste! While this is painful for you now and you feel such a struggle, I think you're doing great in how you are pushing through. Keep doing what you are doing. Post and vent here. Know you are not alone. Edited January 26, 2012 by geegirl Link to post Share on other sites
broken-and-lost Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 Hi moosekaka I went through something similar last year , in a way i'm still going through it just not to the point where it effects my work and life so much anymore. There are no quick steps as such and every situation is different, your doing all the right things going to speak with someone gym and so on, They may seem like they are not working but they are in small ways again they are not quick fixes and just help take the edge off a little. I had to tell my boss in the end what i was going through as it effected my work so badly i was a mental mess and could not function correctly. They were really good and supportive and i basically took a 6 month break agreed to work on myself and return when i could work, which i'm now back in work and it's fine. I'm not saying you need to do this but you do need to let them know you have problems outside of work and your finding it difficult but also that you are getting help and that you would like their support. I wish i could tell you that this girl is not worth losing you job over or wrecking the next year of your life over like i have but only you will work that out when your ready!!!!!! all i can advise after going through this myself is continue with gym taking to therapist and anything else you can to move forward i changed my therapist 3 times before i found right one for me. I can't tell you i'm healed yet but it does not effect my life anymore just have some feelings which haven't shifted yet but they will Link to post Share on other sites
Author moosekaka Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 thank you geegirl and broken, your support and sharing is very much appreciated. I spoke to my professor today, a brief 5 mins meeting, honestly it was very uncomfortable for me to admit to him that I am having difficulties and that my pace of work is off. This is because I already had a drama filled breakup with the ex two months ago and he was aware of it. I could tell he was concern/disappointed/uncomfortable too, but he said it was OK with me taking my time to work on my issues. He asked if I wanted to take some extended time off and I told him that the structure of coming in to work everyday helps me, but I need some leeway as my pace of work is off. I feel guilty, I know he is very understanding and a fantastic boss, but I can't perform right now and I had to be honest to him rather than hide or string him along. Honestly I would have been OK if he was to fire me, I would have totally understood. OK, moping over. Today I will resolve to write at least ONE line of code for my program that I have been stuck on for months. Link to post Share on other sites
broken-and-lost Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 Hey well done, it takes great strength to admit you need a little help and are human and hurt like everyone else. Telling your boss is a good thing now try and work on resolving the things that are making you unhappy and you will grow stronger every day promise you that much u might still have some low days but they will get better. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 thank you geegirl and broken, your support and sharing is very much appreciated. I spoke to my professor today, a brief 5 mins meeting, honestly it was very uncomfortable for me to admit to him that I am having difficulties and that my pace of work is off. This is because I already had a drama filled breakup with the ex two months ago and he was aware of it. I could tell he was concern/disappointed/uncomfortable too, but he said it was OK with me taking my time to work on my issues. He asked if I wanted to take some extended time off and I told him that the structure of coming in to work everyday helps me, but I need some leeway as my pace of work is off. I feel guilty, I know he is very understanding and a fantastic boss, but I can't perform right now and I had to be honest to him rather than hide or string him along. Honestly I would have been OK if he was to fire me, I would have totally understood. OK, moping over. Today I will resolve to write at least ONE line of code for my program that I have been stuck on for months. I'm glad to hear you sorted that issue and you now have one less thing to worry about. Sometimes it is best to be open rather than hide and have people assume the worst about you. Now at least it is in the open that you are going through a difficult time in your life and it explains your struggle. Yes, resolve to accomplish one thing a day, then two things, three things and add on as you go. Little steps but it will get you somewhere. Keep it up Moose. Keep posting when you need advice or a pick-me-upper. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 Honestly I would have been OK if he was to fire me, I would have totally understood. You may have understood but it wouldn't have been okay. Then you would have two losses to deal with and things would have been even worse. Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 Geegirl, thank you so much for your advice and words of encouragement, I have seen your posts to others and have always thought you gave very grounded advice and especially from a female point of view.[\QUOTE] I agree, Geegirl gives really good advice. She makes me feel better too. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 (edited) Geegirl, thank you so much for your advice and words of encouragement, I have seen your posts to others and have always thought you gave very grounded advice and especially from a female point of view.[\QUOTE] I agree, Geegirl gives really good advice. She makes me feel better too. Aww Coping! I'm glad that I can be of help. Edited January 28, 2012 by geegirl Link to post Share on other sites
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