Seriously, How Do I Just Let Go...????

[confused kitty]

4months since break up, and 2 months NC which was broken over Christmas with some txts. He soundid genuinely excited to hear from me and told me (without me asking or even hinting at it) that he hasnt been with another girl since me, he kept saying how it had been way too long since we spoke and HE even suggested meeting for coffee to catch up saying it would be so good to see me again! Then he went cold again and we never got to meet up, so I went back NC, its been 2weeks now...

 

Im not sure whats going on in his head, he originally soundid like he wanted to maybe try for a reconcilliation, but then went back to being cold and distant???

 

Im still totally in love with this guy and cant seem to make myself move on from him!! Ive tryed dating again and even thinking of his bad points and how they would annoy me so much - basically trying to convince myself hes not worth it, but I just cant let go... I cant stop myself from feeling like he will come back to me when the time is right/when hes ready.. Its a really strange feeling and Im not even sure where its coming from but its like everytime I try tell myself hes gone/get over him, theres something some where inside me telling me that he will be back....

 

Do I sound crazy for feeling this???

 

Who knows maybe someday he will come back with his tail between his legs but right now I need to know, How to let go???

 

Ive had break ups from much longer relationships and gotten over them so much easyer than this one, I still strongly feel that its not over - that we were only begining.... :-(

[stitch702]

No one can ever really tell you how to let go. Sometimes you just do with time. You said you had previous relationships where the break up never really affected you? Well what did you do during those break ups to move on so quickly? I know I myself have never really had a problem moving on other than my first love and this recent ex. It took almost a year and a half till I was over my first love since we remained in contact and we actually still do. Its been 3 months so far with this ex. I guess what I did was find a focus, something you can be passionate about that will allow you take all that negative energy and turn it into something positive like working out or school. Then again I"m not completely over my last ex, but n/c has really helped. I still have waves of good days and bad days, but I am able to function to point now. The first month was tough, I couldn't eat, sleep, and wanted to lie in bed and mope around all day long. I was in really bad shape.

 

Anyway, like I said no one can really tell you how you can let go. They can offer advice on what they did, but only you and time will heal you.

[Million.to.1]

I'm in the same boat kitty... You sound just like me. It's hard to try and convince yourself of all the bad reasons about someone you love when that's what it feels like your doing - Convincing yourself.

 

I had a chat with my ex recently too... I don't think i was ready to deal with it. He was really friendly and lovely too.. But now i feel empty.

 

I just want to feel indifferent. I don't want to care anymore. It's hard.

[WordvAction]

First things first, you maintain No Contact. Next, you have give up on the false hope that you two will get together and live happily ever after. This will take some time, and you must remain NC during all of this if you want to keep your sanity.

 

Moving on from someone is much like the mourning process of losing someone. The first stage is denial (False hope, maybe we can reconcile). Next comes anger/depression, and this is where things will get tough. It's most important at this stage to find a hobby and a solid supporting core, as this will be the most challenging stage and yet it will be where you learn to let go. This stage occurs because the brain begins going through withdrawals of that person. Finally, you'll meet someone else who you will develop feelings for. They may not be the love of your life, but they will make you forget about your ex and allow you to let go.

 

Note: This is just my personal experience with lost loves/unrequited loves, and the process I've gone through. Everyone is different.

 

Best of Luck to You

[smudge21]

I've been asking myself those same questions for so long; how come such a short term relationship has affected me so much and although I don't have definite answers, I do have some ideas (now that I'm in a better place than I was - the rose tinted glasses have slipped off and I can see the truth finally).

 

First of all, I think the world we live in now makes breaking up so much harder as we're never truly apart from that person. Thanks to the internet, cell phones and the rest, we have such a wide variety of choices of keeping in contact. We also have more "friends" who are often mutual thanks to social media. Plus, with said social media we can check up on our exs whenever we want to. In essence, we may split from them, but they're still in our lives. I do believe that without Facebook, I'd have been healing much sooner.

 

In regards the short term too, for me I always had this feeling that the relationship had not run its course. We hadn't dated for long so I felt cheated out of what others have had. I always felt that there was so much more for us to do, places to go, things to see... together. It was just getting started and it ended. These feelings forced me to keep focusing on it, to keep hope alive that one day I'd get to finish off what we'd started. It's wrong thinking of course as I started making excuses to myself of why I couldn't move on, which in turn kept me connected to her.

 

Due to these reasons it took me so much longer to remove those rose-tinted glasses that I viewed this whole experience with. I would say that although they're off now, I feel they're still in my pocket as I'm not 100% healed. I can still feel that small bit of hope lingering around, waiting to jump up if/when she makes contact (we all get that happy feeling when we see an ex's name on our phones). You're still very much connected to this guy and as yet you're unable to see the relationship from an outsiders viewpoint. You only remember the good (well, maybe you can remember the bad, but it's the good that your heart focuses on) and this means you're not ready to move on.

 

As others have said, only time and no contact will get you past this. You can't force yourself to heal. You will feel on and off for a good while and any contact from him will make you happy one minute and sad the next. You'll start to recognise the pattern and maybe you'll eventually be strong enough to see when it comes and stop reacting to it. I know that after recent events I can see what I'm like when she makes contact and because of that I've been able to handle it better - no longer let it feed hope but instead just be "yeah okay whatever" about it all.

 

In regards him coming back, well if he did that now, you know it would end badly as the way you feel you'd jump right in there without thinking about yourself, only longing for that happiness that you think is only possible through him. You need to be in a better place mentally before you can ever consider getting back into a relationship and that takes time. Stay busy, stay focused and stay NC. I know it's tough, but one day you will be able to take him off that pedestal and realise that it's you that makes you feel happy, not anyone else.

[nea clementine]

Dear Confused kitty,

 

First of all, you are not crazy. It's been said many times here on LS, but I'll say it again: this is the normal process of coping with a breakup. I always think that of all the stages, acceptance is the hardest and it takes the longest time. But when you do, you do. You let go.

 

Having said all that, I had a similar experience just recently, I was approached and asked into a meeting that never took place. It is hard, letting go always is. But then again, if it is easy, everyone can do it, and usually anything hard is worth-doing.

 

My suggestion will be to stay NC and push yourself to review the past relationship objectively, instead of only remembering the good stuff, such as how he used to behave during the honeymoon phase, and so on. Also, staying active is good, but reaching out is better. Is there anything that you can do for other people? I am helping some children learning reading and writing, and, although I did not mean for it to be a distraction in the beginning, it does help me taking the focus off the breakup and improves my relationship with other people. These are the people who know nothing about the breakup, and with them, I can just be someone "new" - if you know what I mean. There is nothing there that reminds me of the ex or the break up, and, at the end of the day, I feel content with having done my share in the community work.

 

Stay strong and remain calm. Don't forget to breathe, and just stick to NC You'll be fine (take it from someone who was once NC for 15 months).

[confused kitty]

Thank you all so much for your great advice. Im doing my best to keep busy and focus on other things and while Im doing them Im pretty ok, but its all those times in between, first thing in the morning, last thing at night, driving along in my car and hearing certain songs that were once "our songs" stupid little things like that!

I think Im over the worst of it, as in the initial shock, not being able to eat or sleep, and just being down right depressed!!

 

I no longer have the battle with myself to not contact him, I feel okay not being in touch with him (for now) even though I still miss him greatly - but its that god damn feeling I have that he Will be back at some point, Im not sure if this "feeling" is in my gut or my soul but its coming from somewhere really deep and like nothing Ive ever felt before, in a way this i whats keeping me calm...

 

Is that acceptably??

[smudge21]

I spent most of last year trying to maintain NC but knowing that occasionally she would make contact. When she did, my heart lit up and I felt alive, only to be dropped back down to earth with a thud. Eventually you will see the patterns and get sick of them. You will still respond to his contact but it will be less personal or friendly.

 

There's no easy fix but don't beat yourself up over this. Although I'm much better than I was, I can still think about the good times and feel a bit sad (less than I used to - no more entire days of feeling blue), but slowly those feelings are going. The memories remain, but they no longer cause me pain.

 

You're doing fine, but everyone heals in their own time and way.

[betterdeal]

Don't be sad it's over, be happy it happened...

 

Ask yourself, "what am I holding onto?" The answer is maybe not obvious. Think about the feelings not the wishes you're holding onto. It sounds to me like you're hold onto fear, sorrow, regret, maybe guilt. If you're feeling these types of feelings many weeks, months, or years later, that's what you are holding onto.

 

Why would we hold onto such feelings? Some say we do so as a basic (and very effective) way to avoid the things that wounded us in the first place. To start with, that may have been a particular person - the last person you were in love with - but as time goes by, you may be holding onto these feelings to avoid opening up your soul to anyone as much as you did that person.

 

This creates a conflict inside us. We need to connect with people, to give and receive love, sex, passion, trust. To be vulnerable and open, but we are holding onto these feelings to stop that happening, because we got burnt last time.

 

You may have been burnt, but every fire is a lesson learnt. Being totally open or dependent on another makes us too vulnerable; being totally closed or independent makes us lonely and disconnected. We need to find a middle ground. We have to learn how to be a bit vulnerable, and to keep some amount of our self to ourselves at the same time. We need to have a little bit inside us in reserve, to keep a watchful eye over us.

 

You can let go of the feelings you are using to protect you (but which are also holding you back) gradually. Take small steps to being open again. Make or renew connections with people, starting small and seeing how those connections grow, naturally, organically. And if they become complicated or problematic, disconnecting from one when you have several will not leave you isolated, alone. If you have many friends and things go wrong with one of them, it's less upheaval to put that connection on ice or to drop it than if you have few friends.

 

Gradually, you can learn to trust people again, to give and receive affection, attraction, love, and to create a space between you and them that's comfortable. And if one day one of your connections grows into something more romantic, it doesn't have to be a leap into the fire, but another step into the warm glow that is a good relationship.

 

Small steps.

[confused kitty]

So Ive been having a pretty crap weekend, well it should have been a great weekend, I was out Friday night at an awards ceremony where I collected several awards and should have been happy and proud of my achievements but instead I found myself hiding behind a fake smile and "acting" as if I was delighted to be there, where in fact I was misserable.

 

I just cant get him out of my head ALL damn weekend!!! No matter how I try to distract myself he keeps creeping back in there, I miss him as a friend not only as my bf. He was the one that I could talk to about anything and the truth is no matter what I do or how much I try convince myself I dont need him in my life, I genuinely feel that I do... The truth is the more time that passes, the more I seem to miss him instead of forgetting him and moving on

 

Im cranky and cross all weekend and short and snappy with people when I dont mean to be, Im just so damn misserable, Ive been struggling the past few days not to break NC and I came so so close to texting him just now, that why Im writing here instead....

 

I just dont know how much more I can take

[Jono85]

So Ive been having a pretty crap weekend, well it should have been a great weekend, I was out Friday night at an awards ceremony where I collected several awards and should have been happy and proud of my achievements but instead I found myself hiding behind a fake smile and "acting" as if I was delighted to be there, where in fact I was misserable.

 

I just cant get him out of my head ALL damn weekend!!! No matter how I try to distract myself he keeps creeping back in there, I miss him as a friend not only as my bf. He was the one that I could talk to about anything and the truth is no matter what I do or how much I try convince myself I dont need him in my life, I genuinely feel that I do... The truth is the more time that passes, the more I seem to miss him instead of forgetting him and moving on

 

Im cranky and cross all weekend and short and snappy with people when I dont mean to be, Im just so damn misserable, Ive been struggling the past few days not to break NC and I came so so close to texting him just now, that why Im writing here instead....

 

I just dont know how much more I can take

 

you need to realize that you've never had NC for a long enough time to see any results. a week or two isn't really NC. once you can go months and months, you will start to see progress. you need to stay strong and give it a chance. even when/if he texts you, don't let it break what you've built. it wrecks everything.

[confused kitty]

I was NC for 2months before Xmas then stupidly sent him a best wishes text not even expecting a reply, but it was his warmness and excitement from hearing from me that brought all these feelings back up, I thaught I was strong enough to send 1 stupid text but that clearly wasnt the case

Im still batteling not to text him!

[Frank13]

I was NC for 2months before Xmas then stupidly sent him a best wishes text not even expecting a reply, but it was his warmness and excitement from hearing from me that brought all these feelings back up, I thaught I was strong enough to send 1 stupid text but that clearly wasnt the case

Im still batteling not to text him!

 

This is what makes it tough. So many people feel bad when they break NC and their message is ignored or the ex is nasty, but in your case his warmness and excitement did you in.

 

The one thing that hasn't evolved over time is the brain's ability to quickly get over someone who doesn't want us.

[lilyblue]

I no longer have the battle with myself to not contact him, I feel okay not being in touch with him (for now) even though I still miss him greatly - but its that god damn feeling I have that he Will be back at some point, Im not sure if this "feeling" is in my gut or my soul but its coming from somewhere really deep and like nothing Ive ever felt before, in a way this i whats keeping me calm...

 

Is that acceptably??

 

I totally understand. That is the only thing that keeps me calm too. I also feel like it's maybe not the proper coping mechanism, but it's working for me for now.

[patagonia]

These threads are like train wrecks...they are so horrible but yet so fun. And I mean that in the best way possible.

 

Anybody reading, has been or is going through a hard time right now, myself included. Some days are great, some absolutely suck. The great thing for me is n't the fact that you or anyone else is hurting, it's the fact that it makes me feel alive. It should make you feel alive too because you are hurting, you are missing him and it does suck. It isn't fun and it's part of the process. Reading these posts and these replies makes me laugh because we can all relate to one another with our crazy emotions and thoughts of getting back together or having our hearts beat out of our chests when we see their name or number pop up on the phone. It's a terrible addiction and it's something we all have to get through.

 

Having questions and feelings and all these thoughts, it's terrible and I hate it. But for me, I have to push forward.

 

Forget about them for a minute. They are thinking of you too. But this time is special. This time is for us to heal and truly get better, whether we meet that person again in the future isn't a question or reality right now. Besides, lets say the best case scenario is that we do meet them again, are we going to be healed and ready to go, if we still hold onto the past and all these emotions going on? No.

 

We have to get to a place where we are completely whole within ourselves, confident with our future and where we are right at this point in time. Then, when that happens and we feel like we need to reach out to or are ready to reach out, then we are healthy and things will be much much better that way. If we never talk to them again(which is hard to think about) then we are still very healthy and moving on. It's not that we have forgotten about them or don't care about them. It's the fact that we will now be in a healthy frame of mind and a healthy state of life, which is much healthier than what we are living right now or what we were living at the time before/during the breakup. I think by the time you get to a healthy and whole state of mind, you might find in reality, you've A. found someone else or B. realized that the person isn't who you need after all.

 

It will all be ok in the end!

[Frank13]

Anybody reading, has been or is going through a hard time right now, myself included. Some days are great, some absolutely suck. The great thing for me is n't the fact that you or anyone else is hurting, it's the fact that it makes me feel alive.

 

I would rather not have these feelings than have them and feel alive. I would not wish the pain on anyone. It totally sucks.

 

Forget about them for a minute. They are thinking of you too.

 

I doubt it in my case. When I have parted ways with someone that I didn't care about, I quickly forgot about them. Even if I knew they pining for me, I didn't care and I didn't think about it.

 

If we never talk to them again(which is hard to think about) then we are still very healthy and moving on. It's not that we have forgotten about them or don't care about them.

 

That's exactly what I want. I would prefer to completely forget about her, but would settle for just not caring. It doesn't make sense to care about someone who doesn't care about us. It just takes a lot to convince our hearts of that.

 

I think by the time you get to a healthy and whole state of mind, you might find in reality, you've A. found someone else or B. realized that the person isn't who you need after all.

 

It will all be ok in the end!

 

I can't wait.

Edited January 31, 2012 by Frank13

[stitch702]

Just take it day by day. Soon these days will turn into months and you will notice small changes. The first month of my break up I could not eat, sleep, or do anything. I couldn't focus on mental tasks and would just break down and cry at times. The second month I began going out and surrounding myself with my friends and my family. I began hitting the Gym a lot working out and playing basketball. Then again I have always been a gym rat so that was nothing new to me. I began attending church and bible study. Prayer reallly helped me get through some of the really bad times when I found myself alone. I had good days and bad days through-out that second month. There were times I would find myself just sitting there daydreaming about good times ahead or imagining myself with a wonderful girl other than my ex. Shoot sometimes I would even reflect on my other exes and take solace in the fact that since I got over them I could get over her. I reconnected with a lot of friends who I had talked to in a long time. I even talked to my exes whom I'm still friends with and even they told me I deserve better than my most recent ex...weird. The third month has arrived and I can honestly say, I'm doing ok. I no longer have feelings of guilt and i truly believe that I will love someone eventually, but in the mean time I wiill enjoy what I have instead of pining over what I don't have. I have a wonderful support group of family and friends. I also am one of those guys who has a lot of friends who are girls so having their attention and being able to talk to them isn't a bad thing either. Through-out those three months I was worried at the fact that I would lose my mind. I constantly kept obssessing over the fact of how to let go because I didn't feel like I was letting go despite doing all the things everyone on this forum recommended. However in the end and through the grace of time...I just eventually let it go. My assumption is that love is a very powerful and potent drug. Your body is going to go through withdrawals. It's like quitting smoking, you just have to keep busy when you crave it and avoid all the places where you will be tempted to smoke. You just take it day by day and then one day, you realize you no longer crave it anymore....you will learn to let go eventually.