What would one hope to gain?

[confusedinkansas]

.....by seeing their X other person again?

 

Think about it. Assuming your scenario is anything like most....(mine).....

You loved this person. You poured your heart & soul into a relationship. Whether you were ever going to have the Happily Ever After or not.

Walking away is tough. It takes time to heal. Broken hearts suck!!!

 

Even with my situation - we talked of the Happily Ever After very briefly - but knew that with our situatinon it would never happen. Neither one of us were in a place where that was possible. (Or we believed that at the time)

You'd think it'd be easier in a relationship like that - NOPE - not so much.

 

I have seen him again - Once after a year break up & then again after another year & a half break up. Hell, He even still emails me from time to time. He's in a relationship now - I'm still married.

I have no intention of starting things back up...(or see him again even for a drink) ....Once you do that it's all over. You've opened up the can of worms again.

 

Also, what would one hope to gain by seeing their X again?

These questions are for myself too..........Do you hope to have a chance to pledge your undying love? (then what) You'll always have a place in my heart? You broke my spirit? - where will any of that get ya?

 

I've resigned myself to the fact that I will always have to deal with the affair. I'll always have to deal with the memories - the little reminders I get from time to time. I will never have the answers that at one point I would have died to have.

This is all something I have to live with & do actually - quite nicely now.

 

Those that are struggling - It's hard. It gets better. Remember - You can't change what happened. So you learn to get by. We learn to move on. OH & you're not a horrible person. (No matter what some say here)

 

Time will pass & before you know it it'll be months since you thought about your X. What a happy day that was for me when I realized I wasn't pining away anymore

 

That was 3 years ago this month. Even with the emails that come - doesn't even phase me anymore.

 

Not looking for advice............I'm just sayin' ...... Chin Up Little Campers:)

[TigerCub]

.....by seeing their X other person again?

 

Think about it. Assuming your scenario is anything like most....(mine).....

You loved this person. You poured your heart & soul into a relationship. Whether you were ever going to have the Happily Ever After or not.

Walking away is tough. It takes time to heal. Broken hearts suck!!!

 

Even with my situation - we talked of the Happily Ever After very briefly - but knew that with our situatinon it would never happen. Neither one of us were in a place where that was possible. (Or we believed that at the time)

You'd think it'd be easier in a relationship like that - NOPE - not so much.

 

I have seen him again - Once after a year break up & then again after another year & a half break up. Hell, He even still emails me from time to time. He's in a relationship now - I'm still married.

I have no intention of starting things back up...(or see him again even for a drink) ....Once you do that it's all over. You've opened up the can of worms again.

 

Also, what would one hope to gain by seeing their X again?

These questions are for myself too..........Do you hope to have a chance to pledge your undying love? (then what) You'll always have a place in my heart? You broke my spirit? - where will any of that get ya?

 

I've resigned myself to the fact that I will always have to deal with the affair. I'll always have to deal with the memories - the little reminders I get from time to time. I will never have the answers that at one point I would have died to have.

This is all something I have to live with & do actually - quite nicely now.

 

That in bold is oh so true.

I remember when I used to have the crazy urge (the shakes ) to call xMM when NC was still new and fresh, and I would think to myself, exactly what you have in bold.

 

I would tell myself "Ok, imagine you called him and he texted that he loved you and missed you - then what?" - really nothing would have changed, except for being right back to square 1.

 

Thinking that way, really helped me pull the reins in when I felt myself slipping with the crushing desire to be in contact with him, to have him in my life in some way.

 

Those that are struggling - It's hard. It gets better. Remember - You can't change what happened. So you learn to get by. We learn to move on. OH & you're not a horrible person. (No matter what some say here)

 

Time will pass & before you know it it'll be months since you thought about your X. What a happy day that was for me when I realized I wasn't pining away anymore

 

That was 3 years ago this month. Even with the emails that come - doesn't even phase me anymore.

 

Not looking for advice............I'm just sayin' ...... Chin Up Little Campers:)

 

That in bold is very true as well.

 

Congrats on all your progress and on living a life that you're happy in now CIK

 

I'm sure that those that are struggling will find logic and comfort in your words.

[carhill]

I had hoped to, at least partially, regain my sanity by proving to myself that some feelings were real and authentic, compared to the abyss I was in at the time. In that narrow sense the reconnection after nearly a generation was successful. Once I had final clarity regarding the realities of the health of that particular path, I was able to put it to rest for good and without prejudice nor anger. That was a great feeling.

[TigerCub]

I just wanted to add that what I wrote above was in terms of wanting to see xmm when I was trying to get over him.

 

We did see each other recently (quickly at work), because he apologized and I wanted some answers, so - what I got from that was some closure.

 

It only worked to that end because I was over him and had moved on. Seeing him before that would have set me back.

[confusedinkansas]

It only worked to that end because I was over him and had moved on. Seeing him before that would have set me back.

 

I hope that someday I could see him again. I really do. I still believe he's a great guy. I just think that if that day comes it will be totally by accident & will be years from now.

 

HOWEVER, because of some of the emails I'd received back in November HE IS NOT in a good place with his current girlfriend. HE is still looking for the proverbial "distraction.":confused:

 

I know where I am & told him so. Told him that I'd be totally ok with having a drink..........BUT he'd need to invite her & I'd invite my husband along. Double Date:) Yay!! He didn't seem to think that was a very good idea:lmao: But isn't that what FRIENDS DO?

[oldshirt]

.....by seeing their X other person again?

 

 

this is really a no-brainer. If your X other person is wanting to meet for a drink or anything it's because they have a full tank and are wanting to bang one out so they can get their tank drained.

 

If you are wanting to meet them it's because you do too on one level or another. It's that simple and it really doesn't go any deeper than that.

[Spark1111]

Well, I have never had an affair, but I certainly had past relationships before marriage.

 

And everytime some fbf contacted me, it was for purely selfish reasons: they wanted to relive the happer times of our relationship, or, divert themselves from making their current relationship better,or, see if I was interested in rekindling our relationship, or maybe to even relive their youth through me. I wasn't.

 

If it had been that great to begin with, we wouldn't have broken up now would we?

 

So they were all rebuffed.

 

But had I been lonely, or vulnerable, I might have taken the bait. I wasn't. And I was very committed to life my H and I had built. I wasn't interested in being anyone's part-time fun.

 

In fact, I was somewhat insulted that they even attempted to contact me. As if my devotion to my marriage and my family wasn't even a blip on their radar.

 

Selfish, selfish, selfish.

 

When I saw the carrot and the stick, and intuitively knew it had nothing to do with me, truly, it was ver easy to blow it off and not delude myself that their fantasy had anything to do with me, the person.

 

Not flattered at all.

[pureinheart]

Really good advice CIK.

 

Sometimes we want these things to just be done, none of those stabbing feelings triggered by people/places/things. It takes time, and "time" can go sooooo slow. And so the desired affect is to stop the pain, in what ever way that will work. I have used and seen many different means. One of which was "seeing" that particular person again.

 

One has to be in touch with their own feelings and the ability to be honest with themselves in order to fight the desire to "see" the OP.

 

I believe that when the feelings for the OP are dead that seeing the OP is possible. Prior to this I'd say no because it's like going two steps back continually.

 

If the decision is made (in any type relationship) to go NC, stick with it (easier said than done I know)...remember that there is a reason for NC. Going back and forth is just agonising IMO.

 

Certainly this is a blanket statement and doesn't cover all relationships, as no two are alike, but you know deep down inside if yopu need to go or stay.

[pureinheart]

And everytime some fbf contacted me, it was for purely selfish reasons: they wanted to relive the happer times of our relationship, or, divert themselves from making their current relationship better,or, see if I was interested in rekindling our relationship, or maybe to even relive their youth through me. I wasn't.

 

If it had been that great to begin with, we wouldn't have broken up now would we?

 

 

When I saw the carrot and the stick, and intuitively knew it had nothing to do with me, truly, it was ver easy to blow it off and not delude myself that their fantasy had anything to do with me, the person.

 

Not flattered at all.

 

Ok, this is what I don't get and maybe some of the men can chime in here....there were several that used to call periodically wanting to start things up then would never follow through...why call in the first place if your not serious? It's not like they didn't know me and didn't know where I was coming from, you know?

 

Is this the proverbial "carrot" that Spark speaks of? We were all single??? It simply makes no sense...

Edited January 27, 2012 by pureinheart

[confusedinkansas]

Ok, this is what I don't get and maybe some of the men can chime in here....there were several that used to call periodically wanting to start things up then would never follow through...why call in the first place if your not serious? It's not like they didn't know me and didn't know where I was coming from, you know?

 

Oh - Oh (hand raising in the air waving) Pick Me - I know the answer

 

THEY want to know that "They Still Got It" that "They Can Still Get To You"

Then when it comes time for the follow-thru part.........they don't have the balls to do it.

BEEN THERE.............Sucked at the time - Good thing I have hind-site now

[East7]

LOL CiK...This thread is made for me !

 

MW insisted to meet last year and she still wants to see me again. So last year, I caved in and we met even if the A ended long ago.

 

The lingering feelings were still very strong for both of us. Luckily for me it was much less confusing and painful to say again goodbye that during the A. It was a lame thing to do, but I don't regret it. Maybe I was still clinging to some ray of hope that things would change, but it helped me to see that it was dead and buried. She wanted to relive again (Spark is spot on..) our good moments and butterflies in the stomach. She had them and went back home. So yeah, pretty much selfish...

 

Like you said CiK, some xMP are willing to meet if they had the option to meet the AP. They have nothing to loose ! (In our respective cases the roles are reversed, MW is the one who keeps contact and wants to meet).

 

It doesn't change any freakin' thing, you will go have a drink, crush again, eventually have sex and then everyone will go back to their life. Dejà vu...What's the point?

 

Some people see Love as a moment in time or intermittent thing, some have intermittent As, and I can fully understand that they enjoy to meet their xAP/sMP. Most of the time the only reason is either one of them is single or that their primary relationship is not fullfilling. When you are happy with your partner you don't give a damn about exes !

[Lostinlife4now]

Great post CIK!!!!!!

 

What does it get me if I see him again???? Hmmm let me think?? just for a minute........

 

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Lostinlife4now]

Oh - Oh (hand raising in the air waving) Pick Me - I know the answer

 

THEY want to know that "They Still Got It" that "They Can Still Get To You"

Then when it comes time for the follow-thru part.........they don't have the balls to do it.

BEEN THERE.............Sucked at the time - Good thing I have hind-site now

 

Oh so true!! He wants to know that "HE STILL GOTS IT"!!!! NOT!!!!

[pureinheart]

Oh - Oh (hand raising in the air waving) Pick Me - I know the answer

 

THEY want to know that "They Still Got It" that "They Can Still Get To You"

Then when it comes time for the follow-thru part.........they don't have the balls to do it.

BEEN THERE.............Sucked at the time - Good thing I have hind-site now

 

LOL! Yuuuuup. Absolutely amazing isn't it:rolleyes:

 

I used to chalk it up to fear of commitment, one of the many reasons being that they got hurt in the past...well now I feel that is an excuse lest they would not try to start anything up. It's a freaking game.

[confusedinkansas]

I really wish someone that has done this would post here.

 

Someone that has contacted their X after months & months & maybe even years of NC - in hopes to meet up with them again. Whether it's to start the A again or not.

 

We can all speculate.......& me thinks most of our speculations are in the ball park.......but until we hear it (read it) from the horses mouth we don't have factual info.

 

I have personally never initiated contact with my X after NC was established. Even though NC was never a topic of conversation he & I ever had.......we just faded away from each other

[Owl]

Even if we 'hear it' from someone who has contacted their X after months or years...that still doesn't mean that their motivation for doing so is the same as someone else's.

 

What's the value of speculating "why" an OM or MM would contact an affair partner after that length of time?

 

If the marriage is still there, still in place...there should be no contact ever between affair partners again. Even speculating on the "why" probably isn't the best thing you could be doing at this point.

 

Again...that's my viewpoint. Your mileage may vary.

[confusedinkansas]

Oh I realize everyone's reasoning is going to be different. Same as every affair is different, every reconciliation is different & so on.

 

What prompted my post in the first place was reading here.

I've read where the poster wants to meet up with their X for 'closure' or whatever else. I was just wondering what someone would gain by doing this.

 

I'll tell you what I gained..............I've never really lost complete contact with my XAP. Big/Small town. Live within a few miles of each other. He'll go 6 months or so & send a 'how you doing wanna get a drink' email. (Never initiated by me)

 

We have 'met up' After The Fact......1st 6 mo. affair./ A break for a year. (ran into each other...again, small town) /A started back up again lasted a year. /Apart again for a year/ then connect again during my separation........

Anyway, What was 'gained' by seeing each other again was the Affair starting again. It started back again twice. But not the third time -Even just as friends there was NEVER 'closure' - EVER.

 

The whole 'friendship' was more & more difficult to 'get over' every time.

I'm just wondering what people hope to gain after the affair by seeing their XAP.......Since some are posting on the NEED for another meeting for 'closure' or whatever it is they're looking for.

[RickFox]

What would have I hoped for by having had contact with my xMW? I would have hoped that by having contact with her after the A ended, that she would have told me she was sorry for the way she handled it, that she did in fact love me like no other (I sound like the woman huh, lol), and that she never wanted to lose me at all. I would have wanted to hear that and more BUT it hasn't happened that way and as time has gone on, I'm okay with it a bit more.

 

She told me to leave her alone, it was sudden, it went from her saying we'd still see each other to an abrupt no contact on her part. When I did contact her she was brief and snippy and in I think it was late October that I saw her and we talked briefly before she said leave her alone and never contact her.

 

I would deprivatize my FB page, make comments directed at her and she'd respond to me in a text. Why? I don't know, we weren't FB friends, she apparently kept checking for my page to pop up, she never had to say a word and I wouldn't know if she saw it or not but since then I've left my FB page alone, I say nothing, I fight the urge to deprivatize the page, I take the back roads to my daughter's school, I picke her up on the opposite side of the school. I figure if she wants to treat it like she doesn't know me (has refused to look at me or my way when we've been in the same room), then it is best I don't exist at all. In a big way it has helped me, the mood swings, the "pining", have diminished quite a bit.

 

I am much more focused on my marriage, the thoughts of xMW are there, but not nearly as frequent or strong and I don't sit around hoping she will contact me but I do wonder 'if' she will and what I would say, if anything.

 

Like I've said previously, my wife is 100 percent convinced that xMW will return, that she isn't finished, I disagree and she told me to "live in my bubble" and see. I guess we will cross that bridge if it comes to that but I can't see how she'd return after how she chose to end things but I see how many men on here do it to the women...just can't see it being the same.

 

I realize now that I won't ever get what I was looking for from her (xMW) in terms of answers, and if she did return, I'd think it was to get an ego boost, to see the pain she caused and get off on it, that because of how she chose to turn her back on me I'd believe nothing that came out of her mouth.

 

I've thrown myself into my family and it is far from being perfect because of my betrayal but I don't sit around wondering and waiting, I got other stuff to do and if the thoughts pop into my head, I let them sit there for a minute and I move on.

 

It's been ...I don't know, four or five months, of no contact, and several weeks now since I actually looked at her (picked my daughter up one day in the main lobby thinking I could resume my life as it was before she and I ever met). It would have been far better to have kept her as a fantasy rather than to have had her as a reality, the damage is done and it has cut deep.

[woinlove]

I really wish someone that has done this would post here.

 

Someone that has contacted their X after months & months & maybe even years of NC - in hopes to meet up with them again. Whether it's to start the A again or not.

 

We can all speculate.......& me thinks most of our speculations are in the ball park.......but until we hear it (read it) from the horses mouth we don't have factual info.

 

I have personally never initiated contact with my X after NC was established. Even though NC was never a topic of conversation he & I ever had.......we just faded away from each other

 

I'm someone who did this, but it was years later, xMM had been divorced for years and I did it not looking for anything other than to say hello and maybe some curiosity. I found he had changed little, but the way I had changed over the years, made the same traits that led to him having an affair (selfishness, rationalization) look unattractive.

 

However, the impression I have of people who spend much time thinking about the idea of meeting up with an xAP is they are still involved at some level and looking for some kind of intimate connection, not physical, just intimate in the way that you probably don't want your spouse or his/her spouse at the meeting with you. Once you have really moved on, you don't have those feelings anymore, and I would have been happy to have my spouse and xMM's current partner at the meeting. I really was not at all open to anything emotionally intimate, just not interested, and the meeting did not trigger any such feelings.

 

So in my own experience, the irony is that once you are ready for a meeting which is not just resuming the affair, then you really couldn't care whether you meet or not. I think having the type of meeting that satisfies a need for any kind of intimate emotional connection, i.e. "closure", is resuming or continuing the affair at some level. In other words, you'll likely have to do just as much work (perhaps more) toward really moving on after such a meeting as you would without it.

 

From my own experience, unless both of you have remained needy/broken in the same way that initially led to your A, it's not likely anything will be rekindled. If you haven't changed, then probably rekindling is likely.

Edited January 31, 2012 by woinlove

[Elizabeth Southerns]

.....by seeing their X other person again?

 

 

I had an xMM contact me recently. After about 15 years of NC, having no idea (or interest) in what happened to him, I received an email, prompted in part by the recent death of a mutual acquaintance. My email address has changed about 10 times; this was to an address he would never have known about, one I don't use often and use only in a particular context - which shows he must have tracked me down via a very circuitous route.

 

What did he want? On the surface, to find out about the mutual acquaintance (I had no further info to share; I no longer live in that country either) but beyond that, to find out about me - where was I? what was I doing? was I happy?

 

I answered only the last question - I am very happy - and wished him well, declining to supply the phone number ("for a chat") or other info he requested. He's part of my past, and belongs there.

 

I can well imagine what he wants, but I'm not a social worker. He can phone LifeLine if he wants to talk.

[confusedinkansas]

From my own experience, unless both of you have remained needy/broken in the same way that initially led to your A, it's not likely anything will be rekindled. If you haven't changed, then probably rekindling is likely.

2nd time for us - I was in the same place - he a little different. He was divorced. I was still married & fighting my own demons. (hind site)

 

I answered only the last question - I am very happy - and wished him well, declining to supply the phone number ("for a chat") or other info he requested. He's part of my past, and belongs there.

 

Both of these..........Exactly how I feel

 

I think that if it's been a short time since the break up then it's much easier for things to start back up. (which is why I did one time)

 

I also believe that if you're not in the same place you were when the A started - then the odds of it starting again are slim to none.

 

Which is why the last email when he asked if I'd meet him for a drink I suggested his current girlfriend & my husband tag along.....of course that was a no go.

[pureinheart]

ES- That almost sounds creepy since you've email addys several times over...I'm thinking if he has that info, he mostlikely has your phone too...man, some peoples children:rolleyes:

 

I might look a person up on the search thing (FB mostly) just to see what has happened to them, but as far as any real investigative work...nope, too much trouble.

[East7]

However, the impression I have of people who spend much time thinking about the idea of meeting up with an xAP is they are still involved at some level and looking for some kind of intimate connection, not physical, just intimate in the way that you probably don't want your spouse or his/her spouse at the meeting with you. Once you have really moved on, you don't have those feelings anymore, and I would have been happy to have my spouse and xMM's current partner at the meeting. I really was not at all open to anything emotionally intimate, just not interested, and the meeting did not trigger any such feelings.

 

Good analysis. even if I don't get why would your spouse meet together with AP..

 

I am strongly convinced that people resume contact with their AP (married or not) because they feel lonely or they primary relationship isn't happy. The "rebuilt marriage" isn't really successful if there is still longing for the xAP because it means that the connection with BS is still pale compared to xAP.

 

There is nothing better to kill an old flame than a new flame. And this is even more true for the single AP.

 

So in my own experience, the irony is that once you are ready for a meeting which is not just resuming the affair, then you really couldn't care whether you meet or not. I think having the type of meeting that satisfies a need for any kind of intimate emotional connection, i.e. "closure", is resuming or continuing the affair at some level. In other words, you'll likely have to do just as much work (perhaps more) toward really moving on after such a meeting as you would without it.

 

From my own experience, unless both of you have remained needy/broken in the same way that initially led to your A, it's not likely anything will be rekindled. If you haven't changed, then probably rekindling is likely.

 

Meeting with an xAP is definitely resuming the A, even if merely EA, if nothing has changed, it is still an A.

 

I have not a very good memory of meeting xMW again after A ended. It was kind of dry and sad...She hadn't anything new to come up, she wanted to rekindle her emotions or get a shot of the old feeling. Actually it was resuming the A for a short moment. BUT it did helped me to have some closure and to see how selfish all her actions were and how I would never had more than a plain A with her.

[TurningTables]

I think all of us who have been a OM/OW has walked in these shoes. We all have thought at one point in this process (post A), if we could just talk to their AP about what happen, why this? why that?. We all think that if they could just answer all our lingering questions that everything will be ok and we can move on. I think where the illusion in this is that we think we can get all the answers from them (our AP) but we have to find the answers within ourselves. Such as why we entered such a R knowing the likely outcome.

[confusedinkansas]

You obviously can't predict the outcome of such a relationship.

 

Some go on to have great marriages with their affair partner (I know of 1 that has 20+ of marriage to their AP)

 

Others crash & burn. Horribly - Others just go along & the A could last for years & years (I know someone who was in an affair for 9 years......whew - that's a LONG TIME)

 

With mine - I was merely looking for an escape from reality. Not a new husband.