What if its to make yourself feel better

[round1]

Hi.

I havent posted for ages - I took some time away as i was sufing every day to find out about affairs and i realised each situation is unique and down to the indivdual.

 

The point of my post it to get some guidance and views from those who have been in my situation or those who can offer me some soild advice on what ever it is that i am doing to myself!

 

So for me 4 months after DD - i have been okish - i went to therapy which stopped in December due to funds. I felt stronger and facing them every day has sure got easier.

 

However from my last posts i was thinking they were crossing my business paths and doing things that were in my face to get at me.

So a took a step back - and accepted small town , same industry - we will forever cross paths and clients.

However...

....since then it has got worse - lots of things have still been happening.

 

I dont want to drag this out - but one example - they are established in a leisure enviroment and i am new in this enviorment - my ideas and stuff - they go and copy it identical ...very odd behaviour from people who have a presence and do not need to market themselves (hard to explain - but lots of odd things are going on that mirror what i am doing)

 

Anway way - turns out his w is now heavily involved in his (their) business and is doing all the marketing etc - so maybe this is why

Dont know

 

Anyway - i have offically now been told by a source that she has been asking questions about me and what i am doing business wise. The person who told me has no ideas about the affair or reasons to suspect anything.

 

So - to me - it all adds up now

 

Any way - i am now going to be honest...I have been ignoring it - getting on with my new business and working towards my own way of coping with the end of the A and the fact he still has not to this day contacted me since i lost the baby and the no closure issue. All been ok - but slowly underneath ...i am sinking.

 

i have just had enough - i feel on edge - like i have to perform - i cant fail - i am being watched - i am being judge.

She has told a friend at the school who keeps on staring at me like she wants to kill me !

i am strong and i front it all out - BUT ...i am tired. Honeslty , i am working so hard, rasing n enjoying my son but all the little things that have been going on since DD are finally beating me

 

They are rich , and known in my villiage - hence why they wanted me to tell no one - but i am sick of all this. I shut my mouth and went my own ways because i was so ashamed of what i did to his wife.

 

i find it amazing that he is the one who caused all the lies - and it seems it is now a battle between me and his wife.

 

I know why she must hate me - i understand that - but why has he got to stay and keep his happy home and wife and the war is to get at me and my life.

 

I want to contact him - i really have thought about this - i have wrote a email and for weeks i have sat on it. Not for a response but i feel i need to TELL him how i feel and what he has done to me.

I guess he must know , but i still have this killing urge to say my part - i feel i need closure and that is my only way. I think it will make me feel better.

 

What do you think ? I dont need his reply i just wanna say how i feel - let him know - why ? i just do - it eats me up that my world is so sad now - i cry a lot and just hate they way i feel lately. I am scared they will destroy me in my business also.

I am not looking to see him again - i am not looking for anything but what...i dont know what..just need to say it- tell him straight . maybe because i feel it will make him know how much i hurt.

 

Urgh! - i just dont know how to find peace. People say on here you find your own closure. Do you? Really ? or does time heal and fade those feelings.

I never thought i would be one to hang onto these immence feelings but i am. Its not the love - its the hurt - the not being able to say 'i lost a friggin baby you arsehole! and you have not found the gods grace in you to even say sorry - or are you ok.

I am angry still.

I dont want to be , but i am. I dont want to care a dam about him or her or their life - but i do. I clearly do or it would not affect me.

When does it stop mattering - can i really stop my mind and say - dont let it bother you? How?

 

I am not after a bashing - i feel crap - i just want to know how you move fowards with all this DD stuff that ends with no closure

 

He doesnt even look at me- he sees me every single day at the school and ignores me - 17 months i knew him not 17 minutes - ! i find it amazing

 

I am tired - i am friggin crying so much - i had 2 months of coping and now here i am back to stage 1. I hate all this and feel so much pressure at the moment.

Maybe i am causing it to myslef.

Has anyone been here?

[pureinheart]

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

 

What I am about to say is easier said than done. If you can put them out of YOUR life completely. They can only destroy you if you let them. I have been through something similar, and in the end their actions ended up biting them in the rear end.

 

Ok, take a look at your options:

 

Can you move?

Can you start a different business or alter it?

 

Just a bit of advice in the event that this is happening. Try not to communicate or behave in any way that communicates weakness. Hold your head high knowing that things happen. You have paid your "penance", so for you it needs to be over. Please understand that your exAP has his part in this and their marriage may not have been the greatest, meaning that you are not the reason for all of the hardships of their marriage.

 

It is very easy for them to blame you for everything that has been wrong in their lives for years, I am not saying this is happening in your case, but if it is don't receive it in any way, shape or form.

 

Your single and have your whole life ahead of you, so go for it and try not to waste another minute on something you cannot change.

 

Much love to you....and please put them in your past, and your past is the minute that just passed by!

[round1]

I let them..this is the problem i am thinking.

Why am i bothered - cant find the answer.

 

I can not move i have a young son in school at the age you just can not move them

My business is only in year 1- its doesnt have a plan b - plan A -as a single mum has too work. And will work

 

I do feel beaten - i know when you make a choice to have an affair - you need to realise that the fall out and those decisions actually affect everyone - but that is hindsight and too late now.

 

I made a mistake and i am living it every single day of my life. I do not want to- i want to wake up and just not bloody care. Not worry - not regret.

 

Its having the tools to do that..where do they come from? how do you tap into yourself and find the strength for that. How do i find out why i care so much about they are doing or trying to do.

 

One life and i am wasting so much time on this....4months...still crying- still hurting...and i am strong but i am no longer strong..

 

Thank you i hear what you are saying and i will ponder on it...x

[woinlove]

So sorry that you are having such a tough time, round. I really don't think sending him an email will do any good or make you feel better and could very well make you feel worse as you wait for an answer, despite thinking you don't need one, or get an answer which could be worded by both his W and him.

 

It is tough moving on when you still see the person, but him ignoring you is probably a small help compared to getting your hopes up and then shot down with direct contact that still leaves him married and with his W. Under the circumstances, trying to ignore each other is likely the best thing you can do to heal and move on.

 

Four months past dday is not a long time and it can take much longer for all three parties to heal from the aftermath of an A. There is no magic formula that will make you move on, but you can do your best to focus on creating the life you want for you and your son, acknowledge the gains you make along that path, and seek professional help if you really feel completely stuck and obsessed.

[frozensprouts]

i'm sorry that you have been having a rough go of things.

 

I was wondering ( and please forgive me for asking, I know it's been a really hard thing for you to go through)...you say that you lost your baby.Am I right in that i am guessing your ex married man was the father?

 

Losing a baby is a really huge sadness. Is it possible ( again, please forgive me for asking) that part of the huge sense of loss isn't even the loss of your relationship with ex married man, it's the loss of your baby?

(i'm not trying to minimize your pain at all..i'm so sorry you went through that )

[pureinheart]

I let them..this is the problem i am thinking.

Why am i bothered - cant find the answer.

 

I can not move i have a young son in school at the age you just can not move them

My business is only in year 1- its doesnt have a plan b - plan A -as a single mum has too work. And will work

 

I do feel beaten - i know when you make a choice to have an affair - you need to realise that the fall out and those decisions actually affect everyone - but that is hindsight and too late now.

 

I made a mistake and i am living it every single day of my life. I do not want to- i want to wake up and just not bloody care. Not worry - not regret.

 

Its having the tools to do that..where do they come from? how do you tap into yourself and find the strength for that. How do i find out why i care so much about they are doing or trying to do.

 

One life and i am wasting so much time on this....4months...still crying- still hurting...and i am strong but i am no longer strong..

 

Thank you i hear what you are saying and i will ponder on it...x

 

I didn't see where you had posted about loosing a baby...this is soooo hard and my sincerest condolences...

 

Tools- I would suggest counseling and self help books. You are dealing with multiple issues and traumas, and it will take time and patience on your part. I remember so many times just wanting to get past the crap, but there was never a quick fix or easy answer...it was all about time and work. Go through the pain, and really 4 months isn't that bad as you have your whole life ahead of you. I think you need nothing but possitive in your live right now...

[Gentlegirl]

Round,

 

Yes NC is hard. 4 months is really a very short time, especially whenxMM and W are still very much in your face all the time. Sometimes it can even be hard at 14 months.

 

You just have to keep slogging away and times passes. Sometimes it just seems to go so slowly.

 

I live alone as my family is grown and my husband died. I find the times that are most difficult are when I'm here at weekends and have not much to do. The trick is to keep your mind as occupied as possible.

 

There doesn't seem to be a solution to being in the same working and living environment so that will be tough for you.

 

You have a huge positive... your child. He and giving him the best life you can possibly give him would be a great focus to have and a great goal. Giving yourself the best you possibly can is a great goal for you.

 

Keep posting,

 

Well done on 4 months NC,

 

GG

[whichwayisup]

Sweets, don't send the email. you say he doesn't even look your way.. Sending that email will not make you feel better. It'll probably make you feel worse because he 1)won't read it or 2)will read it and won't care. Having him read your words, that last bit of closure you're looking for in hope it'll set you free, won't help.

 

Keep writing.. To him but NEVER EVER send a word to him. DO NOT give him that satisfaction! Imagine him showing his, then her forwarding that email to many people, making things worse for you..

 

Sooner or later they will (she will) leave you alone..SHe's gonna get bored chasing after you and not having any reaction.

 

I get you're feeling down right now, feeling weak and tired.. Just know those feelings will pass and that strength that IS there inside you, will come back!

 

Enjoy what you have in your life, look forward, not backwards. Make your peace by telling yourself that 'they are losers and have nothing better to do in their lives than to bug me..' sad it isn't? Shouldn't they be focussing on their marriage, loving one another?? They aren't! Instead his wife is obsessing about you and he's just an anal retard. Feel sorry for them. YOU have your life and a new path ahead of you! They don't! Remember that next time you want to contact him! Be strong and please, try to rise above it.. Reacting will make things worse in the long run.

[pureinheart]

Round,

 

Yes NC is hard. 4 months is really a very short time, especially whenxMM and W are still very much in your face all the time. Sometimes it can even be hard at 14 months.

 

You just have to keep slogging away and times passes. Sometimes it just seems to go so slowly.

 

I live alone as my family is grown and my husband died. I find the times that are most difficult are when I'm here at weekends and have not much to do. The trick is to keep your mind as occupied as possible.

 

There doesn't seem to be a solution to being in the same working and living environment so that will be tough for you.

 

You have a huge positive... your child. He and giving him the best life you can possibly give him would be a great focus to have and a great goal. Giving yourself the best you possibly can is a great goal for you.

 

Keep posting,

 

Well done on 4 months NC,

 

GG

 

(((((((((((GG))))))))))), I am so sorry about your hubby...please accept my condolences love...

 

In bold I said close to what you said but my dog shut my pc down and I lost the reply (oh that is frustrating!). Puppy dog is better at the pc than I am!!!!

 

Man isn't that soooo the truth. When I was with exDM time passed quickly and we had many good times together. So when we spilt there was a major void even though the split was needed. I couldn't keep myself busy enough because of the lack of motivation...which when I was with him motivation was easy.

 

It's funny, I stayed in that relationship to keep me motivated at times, because being motivated is a high for me...wondering if others stay for that reason.

Edited January 29, 2012 by pureinheart

[Summer Breeze]

Hi OP. I'm a pretty brazen soul so I'd probably look at it a little differently. You went NC and gave them the space they needed. You said they asked you not to say anything to anyone---to protect them.

 

Ok here's my take. You walked away. You left them alone. What is her problem with you now? She doesn't trust her H and is attacking you because it's easier than sorting it out with him. So all of her aggression and anger are aimed right at the target on your back. You were a good little mistress and went away when it was over. It appears he threw you under the bus and now he's letting her pull you out and keep pushing you back under over and over. Know what I'd do? No letter to him for closure. The first thing I'd do is document the work issues with what they're doing to interfere with your livelihood. The next thing I'd do is actually cozy up to the friend who shoots daggers at you. That will send a message straight back to the BS that you're not going to lie down. If things didn't change any at all I'd call the BS and aske her to have coffee. I'd confront her about interfering in your life when you've stepped out of hers. I'd let her know that you're not willing to be the whipping boy she chooses when it's pretty clear it should be her H. She wanted him and she got him---leave me alone. I'd make it clear that if the situation didn't resolve itself in a very short time you'd start doing just what she has---picking out some key people to tell her secrets to. She's asked you to keep it hush hush and she hasn't. If she can handpick people in your shared community to tell then you should have that same luxury.

 

He's spineless and she's got him whipped. He'll be home cheering her on in her hatred against you because it gets her off his back and away from dealing with the problems sitting in the room with them.

 

Do you know what? I agree with you. He's gotten off free and clear. She's been hurt and she's lashing out where he's directed her to and where it's almost easier for her to. You're trying to heal and have her nipping at your heels never letting you rest. He's sitting there with a cold brew and a big smile knowing he's gotten away with it all. I see you as miserable and I see her as miserable. I just hope one day he feels double the misery you both do now.

[Hazyhead]

Hi OP. I'm a pretty brazen soul so I'd probably look at it a little differently. You went NC and gave them the space they needed. You said they asked you not to say anything to anyone---to protect them.

 

Ok here's my take. You walked away. You left them alone. What is her problem with you now? She doesn't trust her H and is attacking you because it's easier than sorting it out with him. So all of her aggression and anger are aimed right at the target on your back. You were a good little mistress and went away when it was over. It appears he threw you under the bus and now he's letting her pull you out and keep pushing you back under over and over. Know what I'd do? No letter to him for closure. The first thing I'd do is document the work issues with what they're doing to interfere with your livelihood. The next thing I'd do is actually cozy up to the friend who shoots daggers at you. That will send a message straight back to the BS that you're not going to lie down. If things didn't change any at all I'd call the BS and aske her to have coffee. I'd confront her about interfering in your life when you've stepped out of hers. I'd let her know that you're not willing to be the whipping boy she chooses when it's pretty clear it should be her H. She wanted him and she got him---leave me alone. I'd make it clear that if the situation didn't resolve itself in a very short time you'd start doing just what she has---picking out some key people to tell her secrets to. She's asked you to keep it hush hush and she hasn't. If she can handpick people in your shared community to tell then you should have that same luxury.

 

He's spineless and she's got him whipped. He'll be home cheering her on in her hatred against you because it gets her off his back and away from dealing with the problems sitting in the room with them.

 

Do you know what? I agree with you. He's gotten off free and clear. She's been hurt and she's lashing out where he's directed her to and where it's almost easier for her to. You're trying to heal and have her nipping at your heels never letting you rest. He's sitting there with a cold brew and a big smile knowing he's gotten away with it all. I see you as miserable and I see her as miserable. I just hope one day he feels double the misery you both do now.

 

I agree with SummerBreeze. Through aiming her issues at round1, she doesn't have to examine the man in front of her that caused it all. This is a really tricky one, because what threat that is here is not tangible enough for you to do something concrete about it. The threat doesn't necessarily have to be direct - just knowing that she will always be watching you and reacting to your life would be threatening enough for me.

 

Don't send the letter to him. God, he'd probably love that! If he can sit back and watch his wife feel this way and drown in her insecurity, then a letter from you will slide right off his oily back.

 

I agree with Summer - follow those steps and ask to meet with her. Would hate to have to do it myself, but I see it as the best way to settle what is clearly distressing for you both.

[woinlove]

I would not cozy up to the BW's friend unless you actually care about the friend and like her - as I think that sounds like a prescription for feeling worse about yourself. I also would not confront the BW, as I doubt that will have any affect on her confiding in friends or family, or asking about you, and it could bring extra drama and hurt to you. Round, you have been through a lot, but you are doing the right thing staying NC and focussing on you and your son, and with time, that will bring you more peace and happiness.

 

The business may be a different matter, if xMM and BW have information which is confidential/proprietary. I can't tell from what you write, round, how xMM and BW got the ideas from you. Maybe there is something to pursue there legally or maybe you need to watch who you discuss your business ideas with.

[Summer Breeze]

Woe summers breeze you are an angry one

I don't see anywhere where she says the wife is attacking her. Round 1 please don't take The advice of summers breeze. that will just cause drama.

No as I've told you before I'm not angry at all. If I were the OP and the BS was carrying on like that I'd be plenty angry though. Attacking---professionally it's mentioned and the BS has gone to her friend and shared what's gone on and created hostility that wasn't necessary.

As far as drama the BS is creating enough for all of them. I'd hit it head on and get it done. There would be drama but it wouldn't be all centered on me.

 

Is it possible you are being over sensitive of their business? they are in the same industry as you so it could be coincidental. if they are copying you you should take that as a compliment.

 

I'm sure youbstill haunt her every waking moment. you are both hurting and both need to heal from his destruction and selfishness. Sending a letter won't help with that healing. if he reads it he will share it with her. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you are in pain. Time. It's that simple. it will just take time to heal.

The problem is the BS won't let her start healing. You can't start the clock till something begins. I agree time is the thing that will heal but if the BS (and xMM) are ripping the bandaid off the wound every time she turns around she'll never have the chance to get past the false starts.

Were you in their area with the same business before the affair?

 

My responses in bold.

[round1]

FrozenSprouts - Yes ex MM was the father - He called to say after his wife found out that he didnt want anything to do with with baby and never would. Despite the fact a few days prior he was going to support me through an abortion that he assumed i was having.

 

A lot of the feelings are around the baby yes - but mostly because i am so disgusted that he has not to this day contacted me himslef to say sorry - ask if i was ok - or just an acknowldgement really. His wife text me after i lost the baby to say they were both sorry and that they hope i can move on and put it all behind me soon. Yep charming.

 

I can not move past that - it really really upsets me. 1) because he lost his father during our affair - and he leant on me and the loss sure changed him. He said i would be forever in his heart because of how i had supported him , and that he was so grateful to be able to talk to me about it all and how he was feeling. So this man , he understands the pain of loss - he knows what it feels like to lose someone - he preached enough to me about people who have lost just know those emotions and feelings and those that havent dont... so i am just shocked after all i supported him through and all we shared as a whole , the respect we both had ...well that he would treat me like this. I am sad at that if anything.

 

Because i am not stupid - i know he was using me when we first met - he wanted sex , but a year n half later he was leaning on me for everything and sharing stuff with me that you just dont when you are 'using someone for sex'

So even if it was a fake relationship , or not real or a fantasy ...i just hoped that some respect or humanity or the fact i picked his ass off the floor daily when he couldnt face a day - would be enough to make him want to reach out and say are you ok.

 

But also frozensprouts i greive him , not just the baby - so its a mix. I greive not being able to say to him- it was horrific losing the baby and in the bloody public toliet - just want him to know the pain i went through and i guess hurt him - make him feel the pain i did. Which i understand just wont happen.

 

I dont know why if he wanted to play me or use me - he felt the need to emotionally dump on me -and tell me he loved me, call me all the time, beg me to say and all this crap - why didnt he just have sex with me and use me...far less hurtful.

 

I also hate myself - really hate myself for doing what i did to his wife. How do you pull that back around. Because i am not a bad person - never done this before - honest and work hard and have high morals...but they went AWOL...I DONT know why i did this without thinking of her...all i was doing was thinking of him and worrying my ass of about his mental state.

 

I hate how i feel , look , what i do, just feel anxious and i am scared that because she is so angry and clearly curious (and i understand why) about me and what i am doing ...that it can get nasty ...because that is the potential of these kind of situations.

 

Summerbreeze: Can not be friends with the lady she has told at the school as i do not know her at all. And i do not need to know her. But some of what you say is how i feel - i just can not act on it though. I am fiesty in that i would argue my corner - but i also feel so down on my choices and at the end of the day i made bad choices and nothing can justify why i was screwing her husband for 17 months.

 

That is why it sucks so much - i know my wrongs and i have to suck up all the crap that is comming my way.

I just hate that he has got away with it. and he has. He has his wife and family still. He has not had to face what happened over the baby , he has not had to face me going crazy and angry at him, he just maybe has his wife , the hurt and seeing her hurt every day and the anger and knock on affects...but bottom line...he still has his family and that means he gets away with it and that does not teach him anything in my eyes.

He cheated on his first wife and now his 2nd wife....humm.....the problem is HIM, not me or his wife..yet the irony is me and her now feel this hate for each other .....well maybe her more than i do her..but it should be aimed at that skum bag

 

Kristiesmiles: yes i am being over-sensitive - i know this , i am paranoid also ...but in terms of my business ...what they are doing has actually happened, if that is just coincidence , then wow, lots of things at once? - i dont know - i am trying to see if from her shoes and mine....i know 100% she is asking about me though - i found that out friday.

Yes we were both in the same area with our business - he has 16 years on me- i have 1 year...so they are pro's that is why this taxing of my ideas is odd...they do not need to make a name for themselves...they are known! - also some idea i told him about...well he has gone down the road of sealing deals with those people...odd..true...its just plain weird at the moment.

 

I know he deals with his problems via his business..he told me he works so hard to avoid dealing with his personal life...he works bloody hard...said he has control of that, but not his personal life..but hey that was prob a lie also!

 

HazyHead - so true what you say. Nothing really solid to go on - i just know it is happening.

 

Thank you every one - the one thing i will not do is contact him then. So thanks. I am so so so fed up- it really is amazing how much this affair has affected my life. I can only imagine the impact on her also.

 

I just wish she could see that i am not the problem - her husband is. Not her , not me. It is him and him alone. Maybe she does , and is happy to forgive and move forwards...maybe it is me with the problem...i just feel so so so uneasy about it all. Normally our gut feelings is right.

[woinlove]

FrozenSprouts - Yes ex MM was the father - He called to say after his wife found out that he didnt want anything to do with with baby and never would. Despite the fact a few days prior he was going to support me through an abortion that he assumed i was having.

 

A lot of the feelings are around the baby yes - but mostly because i am so disgusted that he has not to this day contacted me himslef to say sorry - ask if i was ok - or just an acknowldgement really. His wife text me after i lost the baby to say they were both sorry and that they hope i can move on and put it all behind me soon. Yep charming.

 

I can not move past that - it really really upsets me. 1) because he lost his father during our affair - and he leant on me and the loss sure changed him. He said i would be forever in his heart because of how i had supported him , and that he was so grateful to be able to talk to me about it all and how he was feeling. So this man , he understands the pain of loss - he knows what it feels like to lose someone - he preached enough to me about people who have lost just know those emotions and feelings and those that havent dont... so i am just shocked after all i supported him through and all we shared as a whole , the respect we both had ...well that he would treat me like this. I am sad at that if anything.

 

Because i am not stupid - i know he was using me when we first met - he wanted sex , but a year n half later he was leaning on me for everything and sharing stuff with me that you just dont when you are 'using someone for sex'

So even if it was a fake relationship , or not real or a fantasy ...i just hoped that some respect or humanity or the fact i picked his ass off the floor daily when he couldnt face a day - would be enough to make him want to reach out and say are you ok.

 

But also frozensprouts i greive him , not just the baby - so its a mix. I greive not being able to say to him- it was horrific losing the baby and in the bloody public toliet - just want him to know the pain i went through and i guess hurt him - make him feel the pain i did. Which i understand just wont happen.

 

I dont know why if he wanted to play me or use me - he felt the need to emotionally dump on me -and tell me he loved me, call me all the time, beg me to say and all this crap - why didnt he just have sex with me and use me...far less hurtful.

 

I also hate myself - really hate myself for doing what i did to his wife. How do you pull that back around. Because i am not a bad person - never done this before - honest and work hard and have high morals...but they went AWOL...I DONT know why i did this without thinking of her...all i was doing was thinking of him and worrying my ass of about his mental state.

 

I hate how i feel , look , what i do, just feel anxious and i am scared that because she is so angry and clearly curious (and i understand why) about me and what i am doing ...that it can get nasty ...because that is the potential of these kind of situations.

 

Summerbreeze: Can not be friends with the lady she has told at the school as i do not know her at all. And i do not need to know her. But some of what you say is how i feel - i just can not act on it though. I am fiesty in that i would argue my corner - but i also feel so down on my choices and at the end of the day i made bad choices and nothing can justify why i was screwing her husband for 17 months.

 

That is why it sucks so much - i know my wrongs and i have to suck up all the crap that is comming my way.

I just hate that he has got away with it. and he has. He has his wife and family still. He has not had to face what happened over the baby , he has not had to face me going crazy and angry at him, he just maybe has his wife , the hurt and seeing her hurt every day and the anger and knock on affects...but bottom line...he still has his family and that means he gets away with it and that does not teach him anything in my eyes.

He cheated on his first wife and now his 2nd wife....humm.....the problem is HIM, not me or his wife..yet the irony is me and her now feel this hate for each other .....well maybe her more than i do her..but it should be aimed at that skum bag

 

Kristiesmiles: yes i am being over-sensitive - i know this , i am paranoid also ...but in terms of my business ...what they are doing has actually happened, if that is just coincidence , then wow, lots of things at once? - i dont know - i am trying to see if from her shoes and mine....i know 100% she is asking about me though - i found that out friday.

Yes we were both in the same area with our business - he has 16 years on me- i have 1 year...so they are pro's that is why this taxing of my ideas is odd...they do not need to make a name for themselves...they are known! - also some idea i told him about...well he has gone down the road of sealing deals with those people...odd..true...its just plain weird at the moment.

 

I know he deals with his problems via his business..he told me he works so hard to avoid dealing with his personal life...he works bloody hard...said he has control of that, but not his personal life..but hey that was prob a lie also!

 

HazyHead - so true what you say. Nothing really solid to go on - i just know it is happening.

 

Thank you every one - the one thing i will not do is contact him then. So thanks. I am so so so fed up- it really is amazing how much this affair has affected my life. I can only imagine the impact on her also.

 

I just wish she could see that i am not the problem - her husband is. Not her , not me. It is him and him alone. Maybe she does , and is happy to forgive and move forwards...maybe it is me with the problem...i just feel so so so uneasy about it all. Normally our gut feelings is right.

 

Feeling hate that he is getting away with everything and not having to pay is a symptom of not having the life you love and enjoy. When you regain the joy in your life, it won't matter whether xMM is paying or getting off. Just keep moving toward a life you want and the feelings of justice for xMM will fade. Chances are he is paying in guilt and feeling bad about himself, unless he is incapable of caring for others, in which case he misses out on some of the best things in life.

 

It's clear from your posts that you do care, you feel bad about how you behaved, and now you can learn from that and forgive yourself. Four months is not very long given all you have gone through, so be patient with yourself, but keep trying to bring some joy into your life too. As a mother, I've always found focussing on my children eases hurts and brings joy.

 

I hope you have a friend who you can confide in. A friend can help put things in perspective and help you move beyond the feelings of shame you mention. That shame is from the past and you shouldn't keep carrying it.

[Summer Breeze]

a few thoughts....

 

1. closure comes from within you. it truly does. telling him how you are feeling will not help you. if anything, it will cause more issues as i am betting his wife doesn't trust him and probably monitors his email. i do think you should keep writing the emails; but do not send them. write them for you; for release, for therapy.

 

2. i do not see what summerbreeze saw; i do not see the wife attacking you at all. the wife sent you a text after you lost the baby; the wife. not the xmm/father. her entire world has changed too. you may think they are this happy couple at home; but you do not know what has gone on. because they are still together, you are assuming life is great for them. for many reasons, they have chosen to work on their marriage and stay together, for now. that doesn't mean she isn't hurting nor does it mean he got off scott free. i'm not sure why summerbreeze decided to attack the wife here; maybe that is a normal defense mechanism for ow who 'lose' the mm when he chooses to stay married? as for the wife's friend, in your view, shooting you daggers, that could be you just assuming the friend knows. let's say she does know, can you really blame the friend for being a friend to the woman who was betrayed by her husband with another woman in the small village that you live in? can you blame the wife for being pissed as hell that you got pregnant from having sex with her husband? the wife has her own hurt to work through and i do not see from your posts how she is doing anything to you.

 

3. so many times the cheater, in this case the mm, seems to 'get away' with what he has done. so many ow feel the need to protect him; feel they weren't the cause of the affair, feel as if they weren't the married one so no one should be mad at them. maybe logically that would work for some, but normally when someone is hurt by others, they do have anger towards both parties. she has at this time chosen to possibly work through her marriage, so of course she wants to make sure you do not decide to start up the affair again. you did before, so why wouldn't she think it might happen again?

 

4. business and competition. all you can do is focus on your business and growing it and doing whatever you can to make it profitable for you and your son. do not worry about them; you cannot stop them from 'stealing' ideas (heck, look at all the competition apple computers has gotten from microsoft, etc). competition is a part of every business. focus on doing what you do best and making things work for you.

 

5. your miscarriage. i have been through one myself. hormones are out of whack and it is a very sad event. i believe in my heart that god intervened due to possible birth defects or even a still birth. my doctor told me there was nothing i could have done to prevent it or stop it from happening. most women do have miscarriages (just heard on a show last week that 1 of every 3 women suffer a miscarriage at some point in their life and many do not even realize they had one). when i became pregnant 2 years later, i worried the entire 10 months that i would have another miscarriage. now, many years later, the miscarriage is something i rarely think about unless something like this post brings it up. you may also be suffering from the effects of the hormones and a case of baby blues. i would suggest talking to your doctor about it. you have a young son who needs you and if the sadness is not something you can move past, then possibly an anti-depressant will help you begin to move forward. as for the mm's lack of concern, you cannot change that. you cannot make him feel bad. heck, most men cannot understand what a woman feels due to a miscarriage. my husband was sad i lost our baby; but it didn't grow in him, he didn't feel the pains of the miscarriage and while he was supportive of me, he (nor most men) cannot wrap their head around it; just like they cannot understand how it feels to have a baby grow inside you. the mm in your situation is not going to tell you how sorry he is and all that. he may be very glad the miscarriage happened; heck many unmarried men feel that when their girlfriend goes through it. doesn't make them hateful people; makes them human and they are entitled to their views and feelings on that.

 

6. guilt. ah.... guilt. you have it. you have owned your past. you have accepted that you did something that you are not proud of. good. now forgive yourself. that doesn't mean you aren't sorry for all the hurt. but beating yourself up for months isn't going to change things. i am not saying you are wallowing in your pain, but only you can decide when it is time to put a period on the end of it and move forward. you cannot change the past; it has happened. all you can do is focus on your future and what you want to happen going forward. i think you learned that you do not ever want to be involved with a mm again. that is a huge positive .... you know what you will not allow yourself to go through again. try to find a silver lining in this. you have a son who needs you. you have a business that needs you. you have friends that want to see you smile again. the entire affair provided you with good and bad feelings and emotions. you accepted the end of the affair. you accepted your part in hurting someone else (the wife). do not beat yourself up over this for any longer. we all make choices.

 

finally, again, closure is from you; not from someone else. journaling is a very good source of letting emotions out. you don't have to do it every day; but try 3-5 times a week spending 15-30 minutes writing down how you are feeling. also get out if you can and exercise. sometimes, we hurt ourselves by not working through issues and trying to run from emotions. you are the only one who can heal yourself. be good to yourself. each day, do one thing for you! whether it is to read a magazine, bake cookies or turn up the music and dance while doing chores, do something for you. focus on your son and remember he needs you and needs you feeling good, from the inside and out.

 

good luck to you.

 

In the opening post it stated clearly that they requested her not to say anything and she complied but the BS didn't. In the opening post it said nothing about a text from the BS after a miscarriage. In the opening post it went on about how they were copying her in her professional life and it went beyond the normal overlaps expected in some situations. This all said to me that the BS was constantly pulling OP back to the beginning over and over again. I responded to what I read and it's not an OW thing. It's a thing where when someone else writes the rules and you agree with them they shouldn't keep dragging you in. I know the pat response will be 'she slept with her husband'. Yes she did. HE made himself available and lied incessantly to his W. HE could have walked away at any time because HE should have been the one protecting his M. I am one of the OW that believes a man owns it. I was a BS more than 20 years ago and believed my xH owned his A-not his OW. HE was the one who cheated not her. So you have an OW that walked away so they could work on the M. Work on it. Everyone says the OW has no business in the M then the WS and BS have no business dragging her back into it. And if you note in what I originally said I blasted the WS for assumingly manuevering his W into this line of thinking. Gets the heat off him if W is blaming someone else and she sees him as a cohort against a common enemy. That can be a huge bond. Temporary but huge. I obviously am reading some into this but it's kind of like what a friends H did to her and she bought it till the OW confronted her.

[woinlove]

In the opening post it stated clearly that they requested her not to say anything and she complied but the BS didn't. In the opening post it said nothing about a text from the BS after a miscarriage. In the opening post it went on about how they were copying her in her professional life and it went beyond the normal overlaps expected in some situations. This all said to me that the BS was constantly pulling OP back to the beginning over and over again. I responded to what I read and it's not an OW thing. It's a thing where when someone else writes the rules and you agree with them they shouldn't keep dragging you in. I know the pat response will be 'she slept with her husband'. Yes she did. HE made himself available and lied incessantly to his W. HE could have walked away at any time because HE should have been the one protecting his M. I am one of the OW that believes a man owns it. I was a BS more than 20 years ago and believed my xH owned his A-not his OW. HE was the one who cheated not her. So you have an OW that walked away so they could work on the M. Work on it. Everyone says the OW has no business in the M then the WS and BS have no business dragging her back into it. And if you note in what I originally said I blasted the WS for assumingly manuevering his W into this line of thinking. Gets the heat off him if W is blaming someone else and she sees him as a cohort against a common enemy. That can be a huge bond. Temporary but huge. I obviously am reading some into this but it's kind of like what a friends H did to her and she bought it till the OW confronted her.

 

I think it would help to move beyond thinking "they write the rules and round1 agreed to them". After all what are the rules?

 

1. to stay NC. This is really the very best you can do for yourself, round1. As you've stated, xMM used you and didn't give you what you needed, and attempting to remain in contact would only hurt you. It sounds like you understand this, round1. It is unfortunate that you all have to keep seeing each other at school and around town. It is more difficult to develop the mindset of NC under those circumstances, but if you really believe NC is for you and giving you what you need, then the mindset and indifference will come with time.

 

2. to not tell anyone. I don't agree with this and don't see why this is good for you, round1. You should feel free to confide if there is someone close to you who will understand and support you.

 

An A often removes some of the OW/OM's control as they adapt their expectations of an R to fit along side MM/MW's marriage. Part of the healing afterwards is learning to take back control and chart the course for your own life. I think it is helpful to not think in terms of "their rules" but think of your own rules and what it is you want to do for yourself. Personally, I'd grab hold of #1 above and own it as my own, and I'd ditch #2 and allow myself to lean on a bit of support from friends.

[NoIDidn't]

Hi Round1,

 

I'm sorry to read that you aren't getting much further with this situation. I agree to a point with SB, but not with her defensive and confrontational stance. I do think you need to ask the W to coffee or somewhere neutral to tell her what you think you are seeing and the things you are hearing. You just need to be sure if this is just good old-fashioned business competitiveness, or if its personal.

 

No threats or telling her everything you are feeling, just that you'd like to understand what is going on and if you should have a reason for the concerns you have. People are telling you that she's asking specifically about you and your ideas.

 

But beyond that, I would stay NC. Writing him is ONLY going to fuel her actions if they are grounded in hurt and anger about things. So cut him out of this equation. Dealing with her directly is more respectful for the both of you as his middle man dealings is what started the mess to begin with.

[round1]

Ok- I see that it needs and will come from me.

I just doubt that I will reach that stage some days- but I have faith in all your advice everyone- so I will hang on in .

 

I shall not contact him.

 

I see all our sides - the Bs and mine- just not his- in my eyes and I maintain this- he has got away with it- he kept his family- & that is despite all the words of his miserable life- what he wanted and feared- losing his kids and business. How can he be sad- hurt - suffering - his life will have changed , I don't doubt it- he will have to work and focus on his marriage and hopefully his messed up self- but that is not a bad thing- it could make them even stronger. But ultimately he knows he is safe. She loves him and her lifestyle- she told me.

 

I agree I should never have played by their 'don't tell anyone' request - and I have told my family.

 

I have learnt a lot - I just want this exhausting fear to go away that they might destroy my business- clearly she is keen to know what I am doing- but again I can see why- I just hope it's not in a revenge way.

 

I figure I need to focus on how to ignore all of the goings on- I had been -I am just worn out- fed up of feelin the guilt and shame , the pain.

 

If I hear again that she has been asking about me to professionals in my field- which I have to say is becoming awkward - I will invite her to come and talk with me.

I don't fear her or him in the sense I will stand up- but I don't want to- I just want to now move on- find my new path in life- take this awful hurt and never darken my life with an affair again.

 

Thanks - u have all lifted me up- I have lots to work on and consider but one thing for sure is - It has to be me- heck- I hope time helps me!