Backlash from exposed affair with coworker

[hockeyfan09]

I posted back in November about D-day in the mess of being the "other-man" that I was caught up in.

 

Things had begun to settle down, but unfortunately her significant other found out, he found some incriminating emails/texts and busted her. Her initial response was texting me that I had to find a new job.. ha!

 

She then told me we couldn't email/ or text but talking in person was okay... but I really never took her up on the talking in person thing. I figured I needed to make a clean break while I had the opportunity. Its been difficult, but the right thing to do. Other than business related items we have not emailed or had and serious discussions.

 

Recently she called me and asked me to come to her office. She explained how she had told another coworker (One tied closely to HR with pull in the company) about what happened and "how she had been involved with another guy who had feelings for her" Apparently the coworker guessed it was me, and she admitted so. She claims that she needs a support system as she can't talk to her family, and her closest friend (guy) has sided with the boyfriend. She needs to ask this coworker for advice. Obviously I'm a little torn up about this.. I understand the need to have someone to talk to, but this specific person (in all fairness, coworker is her good friend, and also a friend of mine) carries some weight in the company and it seems ridiculous to admit this to someone at our work when we worked so hard to keep it secret. Unnecessary drama if you ask me!

 

Am I wrong to be a little bit on edge? I don't want to leave this job.. and I have done nothing wrong (although some will say I'm trash for getting involved with taken woman and you are entitled to your opinions).

 

I'm also curious how company social events are suppose to work if we both stay... she told me "you know that we can't go to the same social events now" Well sod off.. I'm in a position in the company where I am expected to attend these events.. Am I wrong to tell her she doesn't not make those decisions for me and I'm attending?

[whichwayisup]

Keep your head down, do your work and if you two cross paths, be professional and calm. There's been NO drama at work, right? Keep it that way! If this 'friend' of hers (and yours) is in a position that could make you lose your job, or have a say in changes, then it's not fair for her to use that to her advantage. Like she could help 'push' you out the door by having someone higher up back her and support her. Not good. Does your work place have HR? If so, consider going to speak to them about this, protect yourself.

 

And, NO personal conversations with exAP. Especially alone.. If you are ever to talk to her, make sure it's out in the open where everyone can see and hear the conversation.

[Gentlegirl]

I must second what WWIU wrote about having somebody with you when you speak to the x. Don't just do it in public, have somebody neutral, preferably who knows nothing about you two , physically with you. There's no saying what she might come up with in the future.

 

Also agree to keep you head down and out of harm's way. She could do a lot of damage and from what you say, she seems to be winding up to something.

 

If she makes life tough for you, do no hesitate to go the HR person or people. YOu cannot and should not be bullied in your work place.

 

Good luck HF, it's an icky sticky situation. Many years ago, probably before you were born, I was being sexually harassed by the 2IC of my work place. It was in no way my fault. In those good old days there was no policy or legislations in place to protect workers agains this. Fortunately my boss realised what was going on and was humane enough to get the 2IC transferrred to another branch altogether. I was very very fortunate.

 

GG

[hockeyfan09]

Keep your head down, do your work and if you two cross paths, be professional and calm. There's been NO drama at work, right? Keep it that way! If this 'friend' of hers (and yours) is in a position that could make you lose your job, or have a say in changes, then it's not fair for her to use that to her advantage. Like she could help 'push' you out the door by having someone higher up back her and support her. Not good. Does your work place have HR? If so, consider going to speak to them about this, protect yourself.

 

And, NO personal conversations with exAP. Especially alone.. If you are ever to talk to her, make sure it's out in the open where everyone can see and hear the conversation.

 

Thanks for the advice. No there is no drama in the work place. We run into each-other in the lunch room.. smile, say hello and keep walking.

 

This coworker is the owners daughter. She and I get along great and she has always said what a great guy/employee I am so I hope that helps me if things get dicey.

 

When I asked the xAP why she had to involve the coworker, she said she did so on a friend level.. and that the coworker said life is more important than work and was talking to her as a friend. Easy to say, but there is no way it wont affect her thinking in the work place. xAp also said "I've protected you though out this" and when i asked what she meant she said "I could have blamed you for all of this and said it was all you. My boyfriend wanted me to give the boss an ultimatum of firing you or I would quit"

 

The advice about not talking to her alone is good.. I'm going to have to follow that.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the advice. No there is no drama in the work place. We run into each-other in the lunch room.. smile, say hello and keep walking.

 

That's good..Keep doing just that.

 

This coworker is the owners daughter. She and I get along great and she has always said what a great guy/employee I am so I hope that helps me if things get dicey.

 

Aha! (see below for the Aha reply).. You hope she sees you as a valid employee and not make it personal - Merits on your work and professionalism.. But ..

 

When I asked the xAP why she had to involve the coworker, she said she did so on a friend level.. and that the coworker said life is more important than work and was talking to her as a friend. Easy to say, but there is no way it wont affect her thinking in the work place. xAp also said "I've protected you though out this" and when i asked what she meant she said "I could have blamed you for all of this and said it was all you. My boyfriend wanted me to give the boss an ultimatum of firing you or I would quit"

 

Yup, exactly. She purposely made it 'personal' with the boss's daughter, taking advantage of the friendship. She put the boss's daughter in a situation now that one day she'll have to choose sides... Your ex is protecting herself and making sure she gets to stay.

 

Make note of all the stuff going on like that around you, like a diary, this way if things get out of hand, you can reference back to it. And, if you notice her not working much, taking breaks, talking on the phone, make sure to make note of that too.

 

The advice about not talking to her alone is good.. I'm going to have to follow that.

 

The trust is gone, she's in it for herself so watch your back.

[Spark1111]

HF, I would go to HR and confess that you had a romantic relationship with a co-worker but that is over and you are determined not to bring any drama into the workplace.

 

I would tell them that she and her bf would prefer you worked elsewhere so you wanted to be sure that your work performance and your HR file was all above board in the event someone tried to threaten your job security.

 

Tell them you do will not name the co-worker, but felt it was important to seek HR guidance because you do not want to lose your job because of this relationship and that you wanted documentation of your concerns.

 

You also wanted noted that you remain unsure if she has spoken with anyone who could have influence over your job security but you are worried about it.

 

Then apologize profusely and get back to work.

 

The key is to have your concerns documented by HR. That is what will protect you should someone try some funny business to get you fired.

 

If her bf is crazy you still work together, she may try to get you gone.

 

Tread very, very carefully here. You do NOT really know what she is telling the boss's daughter.

[MissBee]

I agree with the advice of keeping your head down and doing your work....shoot...it's too late now, but that policy from jump would save so many from work-love drama. Don't mix business with pleasure...especially if it is an affair.

 

But what's done is done. Stick to your business and leave friendships and romance and post-A drama outside the office. If you're doing your work and not fueling outside drama on company time, you should fare well. She cannot tell you what you can or cannot do. You can go to company events and you don't need to be buddies with her. You go to the events and keep it casual and cordial....say hi to her (if you NEED to)...but don't make a show of avoiding her...then find other people to chit chat with. If she wants to make it into a bigger deal than it is and bring the drama to work, let it be her alone and don't get involved. Do what they've paid you to do...and be cordial. That's really it.

[Emme]

Drama, drama and more drama. I want you to anticipate and prepare for it. Try your best to ignore her. Even though doing that also might make it worse. Just do your job and work your 9 to 5. Good luck!

[hockeyfan09]

So I took sparks advice. Sort of.

 

I'm on good terms with my boss, and pretty much the guy who runs the company day to day. As we dont have a true HR person I called him.

 

Phone call went better than expected... He was not mad, just wanted to make sure we were good with no drama. I explained the request for me to leave n he laughed and said that wont happen... But he hopes they can get past this with no one quitting. He tried to pry who it was, but I explained my promise to her. However he pretty much knew who it was...and wanted to know if it was her.

 

Think I def. headed this off. Embarrasing to tell my boss this but better than loosing my job!

[NoIDidn't]

I would definitely take Spark's advice. The OW in my situation told her "friend" who also worked in HR and that "friend" told EVERYONE that would listen, even though things were long over by the time she had returned to work from an extended leave.

 

Its best to get ahead of this before it undermines you at work. My H got ahead of it and everyone that tried to use it against him and undermine him is no longer with the company since they couldn't resist salacious gossip instead of doing their jobs!

 

Keep your head down after you get ahead of it. This OW is only looking out for herself, you need to look out for yourself too.