taking over this forum from my wife

[moonlight4]

Hi I am moonlight4 hubby. I have tried to join this site but for one reason or another I have no recieved any verification. In any case my wife has moved onto another forum so I will use this existing account to post my questions and search for support or advise on what I am doing right or wrong in our recovery.

 

my wife had an affair with a handy man we hired last year. I was asked to move out of our home on dec 23. she denied that there was any other man and kept denying it even after i moved out. I found all the evidence through her email and confronted her with it. we stayed seperated until feb 15. She asked me to get back together. For the next nine months she lied about everything and only when her back was against the wall did she come clean. She even once sat on the floor crying and sobbing like a child saying that was all there was to it. no more hidden facts. Then out came more.

 

I want to work on our marriage but each time we talk about it it seems she wants to go back to ehat she felt was missing before the affair and i cannot go there yet. withthe deceipt, the lies, the lies to cover lies, and then finding out she was still in contact with him for the first three months i was back home was too much.

 

I want to forget it happened and forgive but i cant trust her now. I want to but am so afraisd to because of the immense pain.

 

there is so much more to the story and i will reveal it as it goes. I see how the other forum works and they ask questions and the story becomes clearer as the htread goes on. right now I just want to jump into this community and see what advice there is to be had that can help me R with wife or decide for real and not from anger that its over. I dont want to walk out on 25 years of being togehter because of anger or just having a hard time dealing. if i leave i want it to be because we want to be friends and thats all and nothing more. I guess what im saying is i dont know what i want right now. I love her but can feel comfortable ever around her. It sometimes feels like im trying to make up for what she did wrong

 

we even went into an open marriage for a bit to experiment and i found that each person made me happy yet i am not happy here most of the time. There are moments of happiness but then the anger or disgust creep in. I know its my feelings and they can be changed and made bettter, but i dont know what this feeling of not being worth it anymore is, or not good enough for her, and always fearful since the POS she had the affair with was so far beneath me that it leaves me at a loss as to why would she degrade herself for that, go so low as to exchange a limo for a dinky car, and worse think he had anything to offer her when he cant even support hisown wife or kids, has kids with various women, and would have eventually treated her like garbage and just used her. She even knew this when she was with him yet says she was inthis fog that her ego was stroked by him saying things that made her feel good. Is my marrriage doomed to watching her every move for the rest of my life or is it possible this was an occurrence that she needed to go through to find out my worth and we needed to have as a wake up call.

 

please all feedback would be appreciated but not the kind that is goingt to just say leave the b&tch. It isntt helpful when the answer is so crude or one sided.

 

I really want balanced intelligent answers that may say the same thing but in a way that makes sense and doesnt sound like someone elses unresolved anger being pushed my way

 

help i need answers

[LilMissMovinOn]

Hi I am moonlight4 hubby. I have tried to join this site but for one reason or another I have no recieved any verification. In any case my wife has moved onto another forum so I will use this existing account to post my questions and search for support or advise on what I am doing right or wrong in our recovery.

 

my wife had an affair with a handy man we hired last year. I was asked to move out of our home on dec 23. she denied that there was any other man and kept denying it even after i moved out. I found all the evidence through her email and confronted her with it. we stayed seperated until feb 15. She asked me to get back together. For the next nine months she lied about everything and only when her back was against the wall did she come clean. She even once sat on the floor crying and sobbing like a child saying that was all there was to it. no more hidden facts. Then out came more.

 

I want to work on our marriage but each time we talk about it it seems she wants to go back to ehat she felt was missing before the affair and i cannot go there yet. withthe deceipt, the lies, the lies to cover lies, and then finding out she was still in contact with him for the first three months i was back home was too much.

 

I want to forget it happened and forgive but i cant trust her now. I want to but am so afraisd to because of the immense pain.

 

there is so much more to the story and i will reveal it as it goes. I see how the other forum works and they ask questions and the story becomes clearer as the htread goes on. right now I just want to jump into this community and see what advice there is to be had that can help me R with wife or decide for real and not from anger that its over. I dont want to walk out on 25 years of being togehter because of anger or just having a hard time dealing. if i leave i want it to be because we want to be friends and thats all and nothing more. I guess what im saying is i dont know what i want right now. I love her but can feel comfortable ever around her. It sometimes feels like im trying to make up for what she did wrong

 

we even went into an open marriage for a bit to experiment and i found that each person made me happy yet i am not happy here most of the time. There are moments of happiness but then the anger or disgust creep in. I know its my feelings and they can be changed and made bettter, but i dont know what this feeling of not being worth it anymore is, or not good enough for her, and always fearful since the POS she had the affair with was so far beneath me that it leaves me at a loss as to why would she degrade herself for that, go so low as to exchange a limo for a dinky car, and worse think he had anything to offer her when he cant even support hisown wife or kids, has kids with various women, and would have eventually treated her like garbage and just used her. She even knew this when she was with him yet says she was inthis fog that her ego was stroked by him saying things that made her feel good. Is my marrriage doomed to watching her every move for the rest of my life or is it possible this was an occurrence that she needed to go through to find out my worth and we needed to have as a wake up call.

 

please all feedback would be appreciated but not the kind that is goingt to just say leave the b&tch. It isntt helpful when the answer is so crude or one sided.

 

I really want balanced intelligent answers that may say the same thing but in a way that makes sense and doesnt sound like someone elses unresolved anger being pushed my way

 

help i need answers

 

Firstly, if u need help see a marriage counsellor not an anonymous web site.

Secondly, I find it disturbingly odd that YOU have taken over your W's chosen source of support ie.L.S & if I am correct her L.S account (double creepy)

And finally, (& this is really my main point) this area of L.S is for those who find themselves in a r.ship with someone who is already committed to someone else!!!

 

There are OTHER SECTIONS OF L.S FOR INFIDELITY!!! Might I suggest YOU USE THEM INSTEAD & show the rest of us some RESPECT by refraining from further encroachment on our designated area! Thankyou!

 

~shakes head~ Some people!!!!

[carhill]

Hi,

 

E-mail has been suspended site-wide so new registrations remain unconfirmed.

 

Here's the backstory from the wife's perspective, as penned last April.

 

I found it interesting that she called H her 'partner' rather than 'husband'.

 

If indeed H has 'taken over' this account, as a BS (betrayed spouse), further inquiries should be posted in the infidelity forum.

 

The best advice I have is to formulate a plan of action and implement it, whether that is to recover the M or end it. Outline specific steps. The second respondent in the linked thread, Owl, is pretty good about outlining such steps. Read his past posts. He's a former BS who recovered his M.

 

Good luck.

[anne1707]

Firstly, if u need help see a marriage counsellor not an anonymous web site.

 

LS is a relationship forum. If we all took the approach you suggest, LS would not exist.

 

Secondly, I find it disturbingly odd that YOU have taken over your W's chosen source of support ie.L.S & if I am correct her L.S account (double creepy)

 

His wife has not posted here for months and according to him, she now uses another site for support. Hence this is no longer her chosen source of support. The site has also recently tightened up on allowing access to new posters hence if the OP needs support, if he did not use his wife's account, he would have to wait until his application to LS is approved. Whilst I can understand the reasonings for this tightening up, it really does not help people who are desperate for help right now.

 

 

And finally, (& this is really my main point) this area of L.S is for those who find themselves in a r.ship with someone who is already committed to someone else!!!

 

Give the guy a break. He posted in the wrong forum. He's not the first to do it and he won't be the last. I know I did it when I joined here.

 

There are OTHER SECTIONS OF L.S FOR INFIDELITY!!! Might I suggest YOU USE THEM INSTEAD & show the rest of us some RESPECT by refraining from further encroachment on our designated area! Thankyou!

 

LS is an open forum. Posters are allowed to contribute wherever they choose as long as they follow the sites terms of use. How about showing some respect by not shouting at the OP - as in your use of capitals.

 

 

~shakes head~ Some people!!!!

 

Yep.

 

 

 

OP - it is a while since your wife posted here but she seemed to be saying the right things about your marriage and her feelings about the affair if you were trying to reconcile. As Carhill has suggested, maybe try the Infidelity forum and also look out for Owl's story.

[woinlove]

moonlight, your W posted in this forum because she was also an OW (having an affair with a married man) but she also posted in the infidelity forum, where both the betrayed spouses and spouses involved in affairs post. That's the forum you should post in to get help, as many posters in this forum either have not been married or experienced infidelity in their marriage. Usually if a BS posts in infidelity, he or she will get some advice from people who have been through a similar experience.

[Afishwithabike]

LilMissMovinOn, Take a chill pill. It's not the end of the world if this new poster makes a thread in the "wrong" forum. Let's not get hung up on where threads should be. Focus on the important stuff. He's new. He's hurting. Let's help him, not berate him. A thread can be easily moved by one or two clicks of the Mod's console to whatever section the Mod deems appropriate.

 

moonlight, I'm familiar with your wife's story. Have you read the book Surviving an Affair? My friend used it when she found her H had cheated on her. That book has specific actions you have to take to reconcile after a marriage.

[KathyM]

It takes a very long time to rebuild trust in a marriage once it is broken. It's not a matter of merely months, but of years to rebuild trust. For some people, it can never truly be rebuilt once it is lost. But you have decided to try to reconcile, therefore, you need to do your part in that process, and a big part of that is to work on what was wrong in the relationship that made your wife vulnerable to having an affair. You can't be expected to get past the hurt and mistrust at this point. But you can still work on the marriage and explore (in counseling) what contributed to the breakdown of your marriage. If you are not willing to look at that at this point, then your marriage is not going to improve. By exploring your marriage deficiencies and working on those, it doesn't mean you have to give up your anger, mistrust, hurt, and feelings of betrayal. You should allow yourself to feel those things. They are a normal consequence of an affair. It doesn't mean that you can't work on the marriage, even though you still feel so badly about it. If you accept the fact that it will take a long time to get past those bad feelings, and that, to some extent, they will always be there, and not think that you have to turn those off in order to move on and reconcile and work on the marriage, then you may be able to make progress towards reconciliation. Your marriage will not improve if you don't start working on exploring what was missing in your marriage that made it vulnerable to an affair. You've made a decision to reconcile. Now you have to do the work to accomplish that.

[LilMissMovinOn]

LilMissMovinOn, Take a chill pill. It's not the end of the world if this new poster makes a thread in the "wrong" forum. Let's not get hung up on where threads should be. Focus on the important stuff. He's new. He's hurting. Let's help him, not berate him. A thread can be easily moved by one or two clicks of the Mod's console to whatever section the Mod deems appropriate.

 

moonlight, I'm familiar with your wife's story. Have you read the book Surviving an Affair? My friend used it when she found her H had cheated on her. That book has specific actions you have to take to reconcile after a marriage.

 

I'm chilled but cant people see what is GLARINGLY obvious?

 

There are HUNDREDS of websites offering support to ppl experiencing infidelity. Why would the OP'r, (the BS of an OW involved at one point w a third party), CHOOSE the same place his W came to for support as an OW to get support for himself as an BS? This show non existent boundaries & comes across more as an attempt at 'wait till L.S'rs hear MY side of the story. Then they will be on MY side.' i.e very childish.

 

As yet we have not heard from the W indicating that she has consented to any of this. It smacks of game playing at best by the OP'r, and at worst, as a form of emotional abuse or payback to the W for her unfaithfullness by taking away from her one of the few, if not the only place she could turn to for support.

 

Otherwise, I'm tired of BS's using this section of L.S to discuss their issues of infidelity. There is a designated area for BS's & it is disrespectful to tromp around all over OURS. The exception would be coming into this section of L.S to ask a questions of OW/OM to try to help BS out to understand something. Otherwise I stand by my being VERY skeptical of the OP's motives & remainder of my post.

 

Cheers all.

Edited February 18, 2012 by LilMissMovinOn

[Citizen Erased]

Who died and made you LS Queen?

 

I fail to see how you can be tired of an apparent misuse of the forum when you've only been here a few months and have barely posted. The guy is looking for advice, his wife has torn his relationship apart. All you needed to do was post a link to the correct part of the forum.

 

Your attitude stinks, I hope people weren't this rude to you when you first joined.

 

I'm chilled but cant people see what is GLARINGLY obvious?

 

There are HUNDREDS of websites offering support to ppl experiencing infidelity. Why would the OP'r, the BS of an OW involved at one point w a third party, CHOOSE the same place his W came to for support as an OW? As yet we have not heard from the W indicating that she has consented to any of this. It smacks of game playing at best by the OP'r, and at worst, as a form of emtional abuse or payback to the W for her unfaithfullness by taking away from her one of the few, if not the only place she could turn to for support.

 

Otherwise, I'm tired of BS's using this section of L.S to discuss their issues of infidelity. There is a designated area for BS's & it is disrespectful to tromp around all over OURS. The exception would be coming into this section of L.S to ask a questions of OW/OM to try to help BS out to understand something. Otherwise I stand by my being VERY skeptical of the OP's motives & remainder of my post.

 

Cheers all.

[LilMissMovinOn]

Who died and made you LS Queen?

 

I fail to see how you can be tired of an apparent misuse of the forum when you've only been here a few months and have barely posted. The guy is looking for advice, his wife has torn his relationship apart. All you needed to do was post a link to the correct part of the forum.

 

Your attitude stinks, I hope people weren't this rude to you when you first joined.

 

I have merely expressed an opinion. I dont mind that others differ. I am entitled to do so as are you. If you feel I was rude so be it. I feel that that the OP'r was 'rude' by invading the place his W came to for support without any indication of her consent to this, other than his word, which may or may not be the case. Otherwise, I can be very direct & if a boundary is violated (within myself) I will react accordingly. Something about the OP felt inappropriate to me. I called it as I saw it. I can handle you thinking I'm 'rude'. I don't need everyone to like me.

 

Otherwise, I dont see myself as the 'Queen' of anything. And to me I have racked up quite a few posts! lol. Obviously some of us are newer members or spend more time in the real world than others. No offence meant there. Each to his or her own.

 

Have a great day!

[LilMissMovinOn]

PS Whether you 'can see' how I might be tired of something or not, according to YOUR standards, has no bearing whatsoever upon my experience. If I say I'm tired of something, then I am! It's more a minor irritant than anything but I STILL have a right to voice this.

 

Perhaps others fall for attempts at being invalidated but not me. Anyone wanting to give me grief can go right ahead. I don't ask for or want trouble but I don't back away from merely expressing my thoughts either. Usually my posts are kind spirited. On this ONE occassion, (as opposed to ALL of my other posts!) I expressed my concern for the W & frustration about a minor side issue (B.S starting inappropriate threads in OM/OW section of.L.S). On balance, I think I'm doing rather well (& my opinion of myself & my behavior, is what REALLY matters)

Edited February 19, 2012 by LilMissMovinOn

[alexandria35]

I have merely expressed an opinion. I dont mind that others differ. I am entitled to do so as are you. If you feel I was rude so be it. I feel that that the OP'r was 'rude' by invading the place his W came to for support without any indication of her consent to this, other than his word, which may or may not be the case. Otherwise, I can be very direct & if a boundary is violated (within myself) I will react accordingly. Something about the OP felt inappropriate to me. I called it as I saw it. I can handle you thinking I'm 'rude'. I don't need everyone to like me.

 

Otherwise, I dont see myself as the 'Queen' of anything. And to me I have racked up quite a few posts! lol. Obviously some of us are newer members or spend more time in the real world than others. No offence meant there. Each to his or her own.

 

Have a great day!

 

What is the point of reviving this thread after 3 weeks? Just looking to bitch about something?

 

As yet we have not heard from the W indicating that she has consented to any of this

 

LOL...seriously? What? you want him to ask his cheating wife to come her and post a letter of consent so that you will approve? Since he was able to log on with her username and password it is entirely possible that his wife did say he could use her account and provided him the info to do so.

 

If this guys wife gave her consent for him to use this site then you **** all over him for nothing. His only mistake is that he should have posted in the infidelity forum