taking over this forum from my wife

[moonlight4]

oops i posted this is the wrong area and was blasted i hope this is right now. As for taking over this account my wife has anotther account on another site and does not use this anymore thats why i am using it... so no i did not highjack it..... just using whats already in place

Hi I am moonlight4 hubby. I have tried to join this site but for one reason or another I have no recieved any verification. In any case my wife has moved onto another forum so I will use this existing account to post my questions and search for support or advise on what I am doing right or wrong in our recovery.

 

my wife had an affair with a handy man we hired last year. I was asked to move out of our home in Dec. She denied that there was any other man and kept denying it even after i moved out. I found all the evidence through her email and confronted her with it. we stayed seperated until early last year. She asked me to get back together. For the next nine months she lied about everything and only when her back was against the wall did she come clean. She even once sat on the floor crying and sobbing like a child saying that was all there was to it. no more hidden facts. Then out came more.

 

I want to work on our marriage but each time we talk about it it seems she wants to go back to ehat she felt was missing before the affair and i cannot go there yet. withthe deceipt, the lies, the lies to cover lies, and then finding out she was still in contact with him for the first three months i was back home was too much.

 

I want to forget it happened and forgive but i cant trust her now. I want to but am so afraisd to because of the immense pain.

 

there is so much more to the story and i will reveal it as it goes. I see how the other forum works and they ask questions and the story becomes clearer as the htread goes on. right now I just want to jump into this community and see what advice there is to be had that can help me R with wife or decide for real and not from anger that its over. I dont want to walk out on 25 years of being togehter because of anger or just having a hard time dealing. if i leave i want it to be because we want to be friends and thats all and nothing more. I guess what im saying is i dont know what i want right now. I love her but can feel comfortable ever around her. It sometimes feels like im trying to make up for what she did wrong

 

we even went into an open marriage for a bit to experiment and i found that each person made me happy yet i am not happy here most of the time. There are moments of happiness but then the anger or disgust creep in. I know its my feelings and they can be changed and made bettter, but i dont know what this feeling of not being worth it anymore is, or not good enough for her, and always fearful since the POS she had the affair with was so far beneath me that it leaves me at a loss as to why would she degrade herself for that, go so low as to exchange a limo for a dinky car, and worse think he had anything to offer her when he cant even support hisown wife or kids, has kids with various women, and would have eventually treated her like garbage and just used her. She even knew this when she was with him yet says she was inthis fog that her ego was stroked by him saying things that made her feel good. Is my marrriage doomed to watching her every move for the rest of my life or is it possible this was an occurrence that she needed to go through to find out my worth and we needed to have as a wake up call.

 

please all feedback would be appreciated but not the kind that is goingt to just say leave the b&tch. It isntt helpful when the answer is so crude or one sided.

 

I really want balanced intelligent answers that may say the same thing but in a way that makes sense and doesnt sound like someone elses unresolved anger being pushed my way

 

help i need answers

Edited January 29, 2012 by moonlight4

[CopingGal]

Hi. This may sound silly to you, but I think the first thing you should do is close this account and get a new one. I want you to be clear headed on this. This account belonged to your wife. Try again to get another account. If you cannot, use the "contact us" link to explain your problem. There is a contact us link all the way at the bottom.

 

The second thing I think you should do is visit a marriage counselor on your own...someone that can help you make sense of all of the nonsense that you have been through. If she was just your girlfriend of a few years, I would say dump her. However, you have been through 25 years of marriage. I think you have to work through your feelings regarding what she did to you. Examine the past 25 years of your marriage- has she done similar things to you before. Really look at your marriage for what is it and figure out can she really be trusted again. Think about what you really want. If you want to stay in this marriage, I suggest that both you and her go to marriage counseling sessions.

 

Good luck.

[Art_Critic]

It seems that the email verification for LS is broken and new accounts created since December 9th 2011 cannot post so I understand your desire to get advice.

and since the email system is broken you don't have to worry about LS emailing any thread updates to your wife, but in the future if they fix it then updates to her threads may be emailed to her...something to think about..and don't try changing email addys on the account.. since the email verification is broken you will disable your account

 

As far as advice.. I'm of the sort that cannot accept cheating in my marriage, growing up with a father who was a cheater and seeing the emotional, family destruction that affairs create and how much worse it gets if the marriage continues and the cheating continues makes me be the type who would get divorced from someone who cheated on me.

To me cheating is a deal breaker of gigantic proportions

 

Sorry you are going thru it right now.. keep posting, there are answers out there...

[health]

I say leave her, and welcome to your new wonderful life!!!

 

Where you will heal from this pain, and do things you want to do that's right for you!

 

Then when she hears from you - you'll be happy and successful and too good for her.

[coltsfan1]

I am with health!!! If you walk away now you may have a chance sometime in the future but she needs to lose you to apppreciate you. She may see this in the future she may not.

 

+1 for you health

[Afishwithabike]

Don't worry about posting in the "wrong" section. You're new here.

I posted in your thread on the Other Man/Woman board. I'll repeat what I said. Get the book "Surviving an Affair". It has good advice about what to do to recover a marriage. My friend used it when she discovered her husband cheated on her.

[childishregrets]

Im sorry if you dont want to hear people say leave her but from what you posted and you did say you did not post everything she seems like a royal bitch mate.

 

Did you cheat prior as what you typed here seems pretty damm unbelieveable to be a one sided problem.Let's start with what you wrote.

 

my wife had an affair with a handy man we hired last year. I was asked to move out of our home in Dec

LOL you got asked to move out? REALLY? this is priceless she cheated and she made you move out? Why did you not make a stand and tell her that is has been her who cheated and as such should be moving out.

 

I get a feeling from this here that you are too soft and she is running the show here with jackboots on.She may of lost respect for you for being too nice?

 

She denied that there was any other man and kept denying it even after i moved out. I found all the evidence through her email and confronted her with it. we stayed seperated until early last year. She asked me to get back together. For the next nine months she lied about everything and only when her back was against the wall did she come clean. She even once sat on the floor crying and sobbing like a child saying that was all there was to it. no more hidden facts. Then out came more.

Jesus!! So even after she made you leave your home which is a massive thing, deep down she knew that it was due to a new man which she kept from you on purpose!! And to top it off she could not ever come clean you had to go digging for the truth.What if you had not discovered this? I bet she would of came back and blamed it on being confused and you would of been unaware that she was a liar and a physchopath and had been having it off with this new guy.

 

I would be beyond devasted if i was you mate.The woman you married turns around and acts like a child with lies.It sounds like something you do aged 18 not as an adult with years of marriage under your belt.

 

I want to work on our marriage but each time we talk about it it seems she wants to go back to what she felt was missing before the affair and i cannot go there yet. withthe deceipt, the lies, the lies to cover lies, and then finding out she was still in contact with him for the first three months i was back home was too much.

Emotional abuse right here.They cant accept what they did so they expect you to wipe the slate clean and forget about it all.Well im sorry but i think that she needs to realise first just how messed up she is by doing what she did.Until she shows some serious signs of this then i would not blame you for not being able to forget and go back to the past.you might never be able too as she may of shattered the opinion of who you thought your wife was? What has she done to improve herself since then apart from demanding you forget what she has done? Has she shunned her new guy? Nope she has not and thats another thing i want to get across.

 

She has had time to have you both and now that her new guy doesnt quite measure up she wants to go back to faithful old you who will do anything for her.

 

If what you typed is true then she must not respect you at all and you must be a real pushover nice guy.Well you gotta stop right now and lay down the law mate and get that respect back asap.

 

One of those things would be dumping her on her ass and making her move out until something happens that you have never witnessed before with her.Serious change and acceptance of what was done wrong would only be a small start of whats needed from her.

 

It must really suck to have 25 years of your life at stake here but you said yourself how happy others made you feel.A nice new start with no guilt or feeling of betrayal is what is making you happy.If you cant get that from her then you have no other choice but to split up i think.

 

You can try and see if she will truely change but would it be real change or desperation to hold on to you now she knows that she doesnt have anyone else to fall back on?

 

I really hope u find answers to what u want.