The big "Weight" issue in dating...

[TheBigQuestion]

Did you know that the #2 avoidable cause of death is obesity? (#1 is smoking).

 

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to feel sympathy for a group of folks that are the #1 reason MY healthcare costs are sky high. I'm also not going to date them just because if I don't I'm "limiting myself".

 

I suspect you are overweight, because you seem to come to the defense of the obese in every thread it pertains to. Now while I'm not judging you for that, I think you need to understand that from a non-obese point of view, that isn't a desired lifestyle or what I want in a partner. It feels sometimes that you are PUSHING that we must accept a partner that we might not find attractive because of their weight, just so we are not alone.

 

I'd rather be alone, than be with someone obese just because I have no other option.

 

The health insurance aspect is what pisses me off the most as well.

[Dust]

I soooo did not call her fat. But you totally called her crazy! That's rude! She's not crazy. Just a little disillusioned by low self esteem.

 

But if I read her original post correctly, she said she started hardcore exercising like a month ago. An initial few pounds will fall off in a month when you start something new. Even if it's just like 2 lbs. Once your body gets used to it it starts getting harder to lose.

 

She is crazy, but I didn't mean it in the comit yourself to an asylum kind of way.

 

She sent me bikini shots after she read my posts. She looked fine in her bikini even though she warned me I'd be disgusted. I wouldn't have been disgusted had she been fat but shes not.

 

Worrying about celulite seems like more of woman thing. Guys concerned with this are kind of gay.

 

Hey! A lot of perfectly healthy people and even people in really decent shape have cellulite!

 

Let she without dimples cast the first stone.

 

Most girls have some typ of cellulite. Heck I remember seeing skiny highschool girls with small amounts. Obviously its going to be a lot more pronounced in some one with a big fat ass that has lost all its shape... as oposed to some celulite in a shapely ass conected to an shape body with in shape legs.

 

Looks like poor people on food stamps will be slimming down in the future if more states follow Florida's lead. At last, common sense!

 

I don't care what anyone else eats or if they are fat. I am a libertarian. Do what you like but don't make me pay for it (or date it).

 

It's not sense. A true libertarian would be against food stamps alltogather. Not more laws involving how they be used.

 

What would make a lot more sense is or my govenrment to stop feeding school children crap because fast food companies get all the best contracts. How about giving kids fresh fruit and vegetables in a bundance instead of fried crap, candy, and soda/milk every day...

 

God I hate the public school system. I hate all education systems in this country. Why can't the government get out of funding education. Or atleast fund it in a way that leaves freedome instead of all these strings attached whether it be college or grade school.

[jobaba]

I think it depends what you consider overweight. I've always been in shape. I can consume upwards of 3000 calories a day and not gain much weight.

 

So I sympathize with people who have trouble losing weight. I have friends who eat just as much as me and gain weight while I lose it.

 

Also, a lot of people can't really get to the gym (not enough time or $). And if you live in a bad neighborhood, you can't go jogging. Yes, also stuff I've learned from people I know.

 

Sometimes, you have to consider that there are people living in circumstances WAY different than yourself.

 

But if somebody was obese of an unhealthy nature, it would behoove them to lose weight.

[EnigmaticClarity]

That's why YOU were fat, but that doesn't mean that's why OTHER people are fat. YOUR reason for being fat was that you were lazy, that doesn't mean that's what causes OTHER people to be fat. What is difficult about this concept?

 

What's difficult for me is the fact that most of the people who typically discuss this topic usually have no idea how uncommon the physiological defects which tend to lead to chronic, uncontrollable obesity are nor whether or not those conditions are in fact true in their own body, yet they still use the possibility of this as a way of deflecting and an implicit justification for why they themselves MIGHT be obese. Calories out exceeding calories in works for the vast, VAST majority of us. Every person who I've ever talked to about obesity just glosses over it and won't discuss things like base metabolic rate. I empathize--they lack self-control, and they know it, so they're uninterested in discussion, there's no point.

 

Having said all this--STOP CALLING YOURSELF FAT! Using the classic BMI calculator, you're WELL within the normal range and quite a ways from the "overweight" range.

[azsinglegal]

That's why YOU were fat, but that doesn't mean that's why OTHER people are fat. YOUR reason for being fat was that you were lazy, that doesn't mean that's what causes OTHER people to be fat. What is difficult about this concept? Being overweight/obese is different for every single person... for SOME people it's lazy, but for others, it could easily be they have a thyroid imbalance. Or they are taking medication that has a side effect of severe weight gain (anti-depressants and hormonal birth control, for example, can really drive your weight up.) They could have injured some part of their body and can't work out. They could be poor and subsiding on food stamps, which means the only food they can afford is the stuff at the grocery store loaded with salt and calories.

 

No one is asking you to be "accepting" of obesity. What we're asking is that you jettison the judgmental behavior towards those who suffer from obesity. Or at least educate yourself about the causes. There's tons of academic material out there showing that there was very complex social, economic, and personal reasons for weight gain, and there is not yet a "magic bullet" for treatment. Nope, not even the calories in/calories out spiel.

 

You forgot genetics. That's the BIGGEST excuse folks use for being obese.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Worrying about celulite seems like more of woman thing. Guys concerned with this are kind of gay.

 

Thanks, but I prefer to think of myself as metrosexual.

[KathyM]

Did you know that the #2 avoidable cause of death is obesity? (#1 is smoking).

 

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to feel sympathy for a group of folks that are the #1 reason MY healthcare costs are sky high. I'm also not going to date them just because if I don't I'm "limiting myself".

 

I suspect you are overweight, because you seem to come to the defense of the obese in every thread it pertains to. Now while I'm not judging you for that, I think you need to understand that from a non-obese point of view, that isn't a desired lifestyle or what I want in a partner. It feels sometimes that you are PUSHING that we must accept a partner that we might not find attractive because of their weight, just so we are not alone.

 

I'd rather be alone, than be with someone obese just because I have no other option.

Yes, I do know that both smoking and overeating are two of the big reasons for high health care costs. I don't expect you to feel sympathy or compassion for people who struggle with their weight, anymore than you might feel compassion for people who struggle with addictions. I sympathize with them. And no, I am not at all overweight. I've been underweight for most of my life, and then gained some weight upon the advice of my doctor so that I am now normal weight (right smack in the middle of what is recommended for my height). But I do know a lot of people who struggle with their weight, and I do sympathize with them. Just like I would sympathize with an alcoholic who can't seem to break his addiction. My father was an alcoholic for most of his adult life. I also have sympathy for smokers who can't seem to kick the habit that is killing them. I'm just suggesting to people that they not be such harsh judges of others based on whether people have some extra weight. And they consider the person as a whole, with attributes of value apart from their body type, or body part. So you'd rather be alone for the rest of your life than be married to a slightly chubby guy. That's your perogative. That wouldn't be the choice I would choose. I prefer to value a man based on his character, first and foremost, and physical characteristics would be a bit farther down on the list. But, for sure, I'd rather have a chubby man than no man at all, because I do value other things in a man besides their appearance.

[EnigmaticClarity]

But I do know a lot of people who struggle with their weight, and I do sympathize with them. Just like I would sympathize with an alcoholic who can't seem to break his addiction. My father was an alcoholic for most of his adult life. I also have sympathy for smokers who can't seem to kick the habit that is killing them. I'm just suggesting to people that they not be such harsh judges of others based on whether people have some extra weight.

 

I empathize with all of those people, but sympathy seems dangerous when self-control is the core issue. Even if the person has significant emotional and physical issues contributing to the weight, the focus still needs to be on control, and if you sympathize, it undermines will. This is one of the core reasons I'm liberal but I'm not a flaming liberal--people HAVE to accept responsibility for their own actions. Sympathy tends to detract from that.

[jobaba]

Yes, I do know that both smoking and overeating are two of the big reasons for high health care costs. I don't expect you to feel sympathy or compassion for people who struggle with their weight, anymore than you might feel compassion for people who struggle with addictions. I sympathize with them. And no, I am not at all overweight. I've been underweight for most of my life, and then gained some weight upon the advice of my doctor so that I am now normal weight (right smack in the middle of what is recommended for my height). But I do know a lot of people who struggle with their weight, and I do sympathize with them. Just like I would sympathize with an alcoholic who can't seem to break his addiction. My father was an alcoholic for most of his adult life. I also have sympathy for smokers who can't seem to kick the habit that is killing them. I'm just suggesting to people that they not be such harsh judges of others based on whether people have some extra weight. And they consider the person as a whole, with attributes of value apart from their body type, or body part. So you'd rather be alone for the rest of your life than be married to a slightly chubby guy. That's your perogative. That wouldn't be the choice I would choose. I prefer to value a man based on his character, first and foremost, and physical characteristics would be a bit farther down on the list. But, for sure, I'd rather have a chubby man than no man at all, because I do value other things in a man besides their appearance.

 

I think it's funny that people think if you sympathize with a certain group of people, you must fall within that group.

 

I sympathize with overweight people too if anything BECAUSE I've had it so easy staying fit...

[azsinglegal]

Yes, I do know that both smoking and overeating are two of the big reasons for high health care costs. I don't expect you to feel sympathy or compassion for people who struggle with their weight, anymore than you might feel compassion for people who struggle with addictions. I sympathize with them. And no, I am not at all overweight. I've been underweight for most of my life, and then gained some weight upon the advice of my doctor so that I am now normal weight (right smack in the middle of what is recommended for my height). But I do know a lot of people who struggle with their weight, and I do sympathize with them. Just like I would sympathize with an alcoholic who can't seem to break his addiction. My father was an alcoholic for most of his adult life. I also have sympathy for smokers who can't seem to kick the habit that is killing them. I'm just suggesting to people that they not be such harsh judges of others based on whether people have some extra weight. And they consider the person as a whole, with attributes of value apart from their body type, or body part. So you'd rather be alone for the rest of your life than be married to a slightly chubby guy. That's your perogative. That wouldn't be the choice I would choose. I prefer to value a man based on his character, first and foremost, and physical characteristics would be a bit farther down on the list. But, for sure, I'd rather have a chubby man than no man at all, because I do value other things in a man besides their appearance.

 

I don't sympathize with addicts, mainly because I am one. I don't ask, nor want anyone's sympathy. It's my issue to figure out how to live with it.

 

I've also dated chubby guys and they make me a chubby girl, so no thanks.

[tman666]

The health insurance aspect is what pisses me off the most as well.

 

X 1,000. This is especially apparent if you have, like I do, insurance through the company you work for. Everyone's risk factors are involved in determining the premium rate. In essence, I get penalized for working with a bunch of fat slobs/smokers. The small minority of fit people at the company end up paying through the roof on their premiums because of the screw ups.

 

Part of me says that it's part of being "neighborly", as the people with the highest medical bills (coincidentally or not, the most overweight people at the company) would be hosed if their premiums reflected their drag on the system, but...

[insertnamehere]

Um, if you're hot enough to not have to date fat people, then what's the big deal with the one's that exist?

 

I'm not seeing the logic here. I'm hearing a lot of whining and ****ting on other people. But, I don't get why anyone is ever obliged to accommodate you just because you're brave enough to play keyboard commando.

 

Now, the lack of manners I see in this thread gives me a pretty good guess about what you're all really whining about. Best guess: you think you're awesome and you can't figure out why you have such a hard time getting anyone to **** you.

[Dust]

Um, if you're hot enough to not have to date fat people, then what's the big deal with the one's that exist?

 

I'm not seeing the logic here. I'm hearing a lot of whining and ****ting on other people. But, I don't get why anyone is ever obliged to accommodate you just because you're brave enough to play keyboard commando.

 

Now, the lack of manners I see in this thread gives me a pretty good guess about what you're all really whining about. Best guess: you think you're awesome and you can't figure out why you have such a hard time getting anyone to **** you.

 

It's pretty unattractive. I mean lets switch it. Say there was this drug that caused peoples face to get burned off. It would suck to go around looking at all these people who got addicted and burned off their faces. These people for the most part wouldn't want burned off faces, but they were weak and burnt their faces off because of the drug. Doesn't make people with out burned of faces better, just more attractive for every day veiwing and dating. You might be angry at the people who burnt their faces off for the joy of some drug but that wouldn't do any good. Then the burnt off face people would come and post about what are we whining about and that so what if they burnt of their face its their life!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Conclusion:

 

Anyone who had a perfect body and great looks would never settle for anything less and that's the bottom line

 

 

 

 

Assuming you're on the same planet as the rest of us, your conclusion is 180 degrees of WRONG!

 

 

"ALWAYS" is a more fitting word than is "never" in your scenario.

[Cypress25]

You don't have to be attracted to overweight people, but you do have to stop being a jerk about it. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, even people who are morbidly obese. We all pay for health insurance. That doesn't give you the right to judge people.

 

People want to feel superior. That's why they assume that all overweight people are lazy, greedy, ignorant, self-indulgent, etc. Those assumptions are almost always wrong, but people cling to them anyway, and then try to justify it by claiming that it's a health issue. What a load of crap. Plenty of thin people are unhealthy, but no one blames them for driving up the cost of health insurance. Fat-bashers need to be honest with themselves: they criticize fat people because they need to criticize someone, and fat people are the easiest target.

 

And no, I'm not overweight. Never have been. I just believe in common courtesy, which includes being kind to everyone, no matter what they look like. I'm well aware that I can't tell how lazy or unhealthy someone is just by looking at them. Judgmental people are nothing but a pain in the ass.

[Casablanca]

Coming from a former fat chick, I never really understood this line of thinking either. Of course I knew I was being judged. And it's ok that I was. When you wear your emotional baggage on the outside, which I really think is why most obese people are obese, people are going to notice and they will judge accordingly. And honestly, I was in no place for serious dating when I was that big. I kind of knew in the back of mind that anyone who wanted the mess that was me at the time was really not dating material anyway.

 

I have some friends who are bigger that don't get it. They think that guys should just overlook their bodies date them for what's inside. Sometimes I really want to open my mouth and tell them "Hey your outside is the biggest reflection of your inside." But I know how bad that would hurt so I could never.

Couldn't have said it better myself!

 

I also use to be overweight and I was tired of it, not only was I tired of being judge, but more importantly I was tired looking in the mirror and just being disgusted with myself. I wasn't morbidly obese, but I was pretty chubby...had to wear 38's to 40's depending on the brand

[thatone]

Did you know that the #2 avoidable cause of death is obesity? (#1 is smoking).

 

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to feel sympathy for a group of folks that are the #1 reason MY healthcare costs are sky high. I'm also not going to date them just because if I don't I'm "limiting myself".

 

I suspect you are overweight, because you seem to come to the defense of the obese in every thread it pertains to. Now while I'm not judging you for that, I think you need to understand that from a non-obese point of view, that isn't a desired lifestyle or what I want in a partner. It feels sometimes that you are PUSHING that we must accept a partner that we might not find attractive because of their weight, just so we are not alone.

 

I'd rather be alone, than be with someone obese just because I have no other option.

 

disregarding the rest, YOUR health care costs are so high because american society cannot wrap their head around the fact that capitalism isn't a wonder drug that cures all societal ills.

 

as long as they're able, doctors, hospitals, and food companies are going to exploit people for profit, first and foremost, not treat their ills or feed them well.

 

citizens did not create the system, corporate interests did (both the food and the health care), and despite what evil idiots who were given a higher status than they deserve (like scalia) say, corporate interests are not the citizenry.

Edited January 31, 2012 by thatone

[PinkInTheLimo]

This is what I wanted to say as well but glad you said it first.

 

I am of the same opinion. And I definitely don't believe fat people who try to convince everyone that they don't eat a lot/they eat healthy. I don't buy it.

 

I would never date a guy who is overweight. I find it unattractive and I don't want to deal with a partner who has health problems which he has imposed upon himself.

I also don't want to be with someone whose body shape is extremely different from mine. I am slim myself, partially because of good genes and partially because I eat healthy and do some sports. I also would feel ashamed to walk next to a fat guy. Most of all, I just can't bear the thought of having someone next to me in bed who is double my weight!

[ilovedhim]

Obesity on the side, carrying a LITTLE extra weight is not so much a health issue or even about esthetics. There are gorgeous overweight women. And not everyone with a little weight has health issues.

 

BUT when dating I do think it's a lifestyle/compatibilty issue more than anything else. My partner and I run, spin, workout, hike, etc. a few times a week. And when I read this thread tried thinking if I had an overwieght friend, and realized I don't. Nor have I dated a chubby guy. I HATE when any part of MY body jiggles, so most likely would be disgusted if the guy I was with had fat on his body.

 

And I agree with the above, being overweight is a laziness issue. All else just excuses.

[kaylan]

I dig bbws and thick chicks from time to time.

 

Allllll right.

 

Giggity.

[Emilia]

I prefer to value a man based on his character, first and foremost, and physical characteristics would be a bit farther down on the list. But, for sure, I'd rather have a chubby man than no man at all, because I do value other things in a man besides their appearance.

 

But his appearance is reflective of his character, no? A man can't do anything about his height or whether he is losing his hair and I don't care about those physical attributes. He can do a lot about his weight and his build though and I do care a lot about that.

[Emilia]

People want to feel superior. That's why they assume that all overweight people are lazy, greedy, ignorant, self-indulgent, etc. Those assumptions are almost always wrong, but people cling to them anyway, and then try to justify it by claiming that it's a health issue.

 

How are those wrong? A tiny percentage has thyroid issues, most of them are idle, greedy, ignorant and self-indulgant. Are those assumptions (might I say facts) wrong because they offend your sensitive soul?

 

What a load of crap. Plenty of thin people are unhealthy, but no one blames them for driving up the cost of health insurance.

 

True but you have to be very very skinny to be in any kind of health danger. Skinnies get pulled up over being thin too. People will turn around and say 'wow you have lost a lot of weight, be careful not to lose your curves' while no-one will say 'wow, you put a bit of weight on over Christmas, are you sure you aren't pregnant?'

 

Fat-bashers need to be honest with themselves: they criticize fat people because they need to criticize someone, and fat people are the easiest target.

 

Obese people make me feel a little sick sometimes when I see them eat. I know it's a horrible thing to say but it's true. I think it's a natural physical reaction to something that looks so unnatural and incredibly unhealthy.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Ninjainpajamas

 

Which leads me to my biggest gripe...

Why do "overweight" people expect not to be judged for their weight?

 

It seems to be ok to judge people by their income, job title, living situation, smile, height, but whatever you do, don't judge me because I'm fat!

 

All these items have been discussed at some point on here and the reality is, no one wants to be judged for superficial reasons, unless the outcome is a positive one. It isn't just people that are overweight. It's old guys that want to date and sleep with younger women. It's guys still living at home that are good people. It's short guys and obese women. It's women with smaller breasts that live in a world where guys oggle anything with big breasts. Being judged isn't fun. But it's going to happen no matter what.

 

I also see a difference in simply not being attracted to someone of a certain characteristic and outright putting other people down for that characteristic. And alot of people seem to like to put others down if they don't fit into what they find acceptable.

 

And you know what I'm tired of hearing people say as well "Well it's not like men don't get all fat either wah wah waaaah". You know what? then go with that guy! you can be happy together! Why are you pushing men who are clearly not that guy? people who don't find themselves attractive being overweight not just you which everyone makes it out to be like?

 

I think when that argument is made, about there also being overweight men, that it's to point out that both genders gain weight. Not to force inshape men to without absolute be attracted to body types they aren't attracted to. I'm sorry but I find your whole rant confusing to be honest in the level of anger you have toward people that simply defend themselves against a very judgemental society. At the core of it, every human beings wants to be given respect. And when we aren't, it hurts. Which is why overweight people defend themselves because they are not always treated with respect. Unfairly so.

 

 

 

A) Someone in shape or eats healthy is not going to "motivate" your life style, It'll just be like every other failed diet. Motivation has to come from you.

 

B) No you can't lose 50 pounds and starve yourself so that you can get in shape then balloon after you are in a relationship with a person then blackmail them for not loving you because it's what they signed up for

 

C) You'd likely be more interested in lounging on a couch all day and watching tv at the end of the day instead of hiking up a trail, riding a bike, or going to the gym...because being in shape or close to it takes effort and is a lifestyle..not a book you read or a diet you follow for two months

 

D) You're probably a foodie and will likely fatten up said skinny person, then you'll both in trouble and more overweight, then you'll both be sad and depressed while carving out a carton of icecream!

 

And this is why overweight people get annoyed. Because of comments like this that, sorry, do come off purposely condsending. Such as saying, "....then you'll both be sad and depressed whiel carving out a carton of ice cream!"

 

What is everyone suppose to say to your rant? "Yeah Brotha!" Because you're personally sick of the discussion about how shallow surface factors matter? Aren't you not any better then the people that discuss a very real dating issue by your complaint of the complaining?

[Andy_K]

I agree with Emilia... being fat is a choice.

 

There are a few tiny percent that this might not be true for, but by and large it's true. If someone is overweight or obese, I can be about 99% certain they don't even put half as much effort into their diet or exercise as I do.

[EnigmaticClarity]

I agree with Emilia... being fat is a choice.

 

There are a few tiny percent that this might not be true for, but by and large it's true. If someone is overweight or obese, I can be about 99% certain they don't even put half as much effort into their diet or exercise as I do.

 

It is a choice, but you're putting it overharshly and fairly insensitively. What if you were horribly bipolar? What if you were confined to a wheelchair, or lost an arm, or had to deal with chronic pain all day? Some people are dealt a worse hand than others, so they spend effort on things most of us never have to worry about. So yea, perhaps they don't put the effort into diet or exercise that you do--but that could be because they start from a more disadvantaged position than you've ever been forced to consider.

 

Having said that, being fat is still a choice and you need to empathize but not sympathize with people who choose to do it--but don't start comparing another person's effort to your own until you know for sure that person isn't significantly more challenged than you are. Very insensitive and unfairly judgmental.