Emotionally brittle, depressed, isolated

[gentleguy]

Hi all,

 

I have been in a relationship for nearly 20 years, most of that married.

On the whole, I'm fairly comfortable. The marriage has a solid spiritual aspect which gives it strength. But there's a dark side.

 

My wife doesn't pursue friendships, with me or without me, and appears to be much more comfortable if I don't have friends either. She feels that friends take more than they give and are more trouble than they're worth. (She grew up as almost an only child, which may be a factor here.

On the other hand, I grew up with 3 close siblings). I find friends good for my mental and emotional health (I have depression). Having my crap shaken up with others' perspectives helps me to stop taking myself too seriously.

 

My wife is given to violent emotional outbursts. I have never laid a finger on her, but she has hit me sometimes (although not hard). What's worst is that in emotional arguments, she is very often like a crazed streetfighter on crystal meth brawling to the death. (BTW she did quit an addiction to medically-prescribed amphetamines over 30 years ago, before we met, and also escaped a violently life-threatening 20 year marriage to a substance abuser). She calls these outbursts her "tantrums from the inner spoilt brat", and seems regretful after they've happened. Frequency is once every 2 weeks to every 2-3 months. She thinks the outbursts are no real problem because they "happen so rarely".

 

How does this affect me?

 

I have been coping with depression for nearly all my life. Her outbursts send me way down into dark places for weeks at a time. I feel emotionally feeble. She doesn't like this, and feels I should power up and match her in the emotional brawling. But I believe that vicious emotional attack has no place in any kind of relationship which claims to be loving.

 

On the other hand, with emotional conflicts based on assertive exchange, I believe I do well, and work positively towards loving win-win outcomes. I just don't cope when the conflict turns into gratuitous, brutal and sadistic attack.

 

One thing that sets my wife off is me visiting friends, or connecting with my own family members. I would like to have my friends visit me, but I have been given the clear message that they're not welcome - she runs them into the ground.

 

The isolation is rotting me out, I feel much less of a person than I would be with a small circle of good friends. She believes my need for friendships is a "weakness", and she's "past all that".

 

Leaving?

 

Not easy.

Emotionally, I feel like a wreck, my confidence is shot.

Financially, I'm nearly 50, and (at her insistence) gave up a well-paid IT job 16 years ago. My recent attempts to get back into IT have failed totally - no employer will touch an old man who has been out of the game for so long. The only other jobs I can get are the kind of "disposable employee" sales jobs that suck people dry, burn them out and toss them out the door. So there is a level of material dependency.

 

Can anyone offer some constructive non-judgemental feedback, and suggest some ideas for building up some psychological strength?

 

Thanks if you can help.

gg

[Philosoraptor]

I feel you man. I was also with someone who isloated herself totally and wanted me to do the same. The volent outbursts also seem familair, but not the same. Mine would slam things when she couldn't login to a website or start screaming when she bumped her leg or dropped something. Like mine, yours is emotionally immature and while she wants you to defend yourself, she wants control more. If you were to stand up for yourself you would be met with even more aggression. In many cases you are just in a no-win situation.

 

One thing that sets my wife off is me visiting friends, or connecting with my own family members. I would like to have my friends visit me, but I have been given the clear message that they're not welcome - she runs them into the ground.

This stood out to me a lot. It sucks doesn't it? I've always had an excellent relationship with my family and my sisters were always my best friends. But like you, I was taken away. I went from a visit or two a week, to an hour visit every 3-4 weeks... or else the screaming would start. I made an effort to visit friends and family when she had other plans/class... but that still was met with aggression as she didn't want me to go without her. I was a depressed mess and the minute I finally put my foot down she said she couldn't accept me the way I was and left.

 

I can't say that life has ever been better.

 

The question is what do you want out of life? Figure out how you want to live your life and explain it to her. You also want to schedule therapy with her and individual therapy for yourself. If she is unable to let you enjoy your life you would be best to spend your life enjoying it without her. It would be painful at the start... but once that stress is gone you'll feel like a kid again.

[Dust]

You have to change the way you think about all this stuff. Learn to respect yourself. You don't have to build up an argument about why you don't like the way your wife acts or why you need friends. You can't blame any one but yourself. Just go out there and get some friends. Stop putting up with your wifes treatment. Leave her if thats the only way to stop it.

 

You know what to do! So do it! You got this!

[LadyGrey]

It sounds like you are being abused to me. Maybe your wife is bi-polar and you should do some research on it to see if it fits. Even if she is bi-polar, that is no excuse for the abuse, nor it is a reason that you should accept it.

 

You seem to have given all your power to your wife and she calls the shots, your friends or lack of them, your choices about finances and your career.

 

Seeks some therapy for yourself so you can get stronger and recognize the abuse she is heaping on you. Then you can make decisions about your future with her or without her. One step at a time to get yourself sorted first. A person should not live their life walking on eggshells to appease someone else.

[frozensprouts]

It sounds like you are being abused to me. Maybe your wife is bi-polar and you should do some research on it to see if it fits. Even if she is bi-polar, that is no excuse for the abuse, nor it is a reason that you should accept it.

 

You seem to have given all your power to your wife and she calls the shots, your friends or lack of them, your choices about finances and your career.

 

Seeks some therapy for yourself so you can get stronger and recognize the abuse she is heaping on you. Then you can make decisions about your future with her or without her. One step at a time to get yourself sorted first. A person should not live their life walking on eggshells to appease someone else.

 

for what it is worth, i agree.

 

if the situation were reversed, and it was a man doing this to a woman,most would have no trouble seeing it as abusive behavior.

 

There is no excuse for her isolating you from relationships with your friends and family, lashing out at you or laying her hands on you in anger.

[whichwayisup]

Your wife could be bi polar, or she is just has deep issues, as well as being an abuser. I agree with the others, she is abusing you and manipulating you, making your life miserable. you've given up so much!

 

I hope you go talk to someone, get strong enough so you can leave her. Maybe the love is there, but you are miserable, lonely and alone. People need their families and friends, it's wrong of her to make them feel unwelcome and it's wrong of her not to allow you live life.

 

You deserve happiness and to be with someone who treats you well, love and adores you and puts you first.