MsLandon Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 What is the best way of dealing with a man you are dating when he has abandonment issues? My guy and I had a another wonderful date. But I've noticed that since we've become closer he will wait days and days without calling me. At first I thought that this was solely about a comment I'd made about not needing to be called everyday, and to a certain extent, that may very wellplay into it too, but recently I've jus been stumped at his reaction after we have really bonding, enjoyable and passionately overwhelming dates. Mine you, we haven't been to bed with each other yet, but we have an extremely strong physical connection. It's something I've never experienced in my 33 years. I mean litterally, we can take one another's breathe away simply by kissing. It's that overwhelming - and I've never even been into kissing. Anyway, I digress... But during each of our dates, he talks about how much pure fun and joy he's experiencing and how much he love this or that about my personality or who I am - and it's like he didn't have to say it because I can see it in his eyes -- but then I won't hear from him for days after the date. And if I call, it's almost like he's relieved that I've called - or just very happy. Other times I feel like, maybe he needs one or two days more space and I just wasn't understanding this dynamic. But eventually I just dawned on me one day that he told me that he has abandonment issues and in past relationships it has caused him to distance himself from the women he's dated...but he talked about it like it was all in the past. But when I look objectively at his behavior, It seems that he's doing exactly what one would to if they were still grappling with those issues. What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
disguy Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 Well you guys seem to have a very strong connection. I mean you say he can take your breathe away simply by kissing and you were never into kissing. His abandonment issue i can relate to. He might be feeling that he has his heart in your hands and is scared that your relationship is too good to be true. And if you were to kick him to the curb it would really hurt because he gave his all in the relationship. These are just some of the things that i had when i felt the way that he might be feeling. What you should do? Well you could stay by your man and support him. Reassure him that as long as he treats you the way he treats you that you will be by his side for as long as he wants you. Just saying things like that might help. And just asking questions to yourself like "is he worth it to you?" Just try to spend as much time together as you can. And remember that communication is key here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MsLandon Posted June 2, 2004 Author Share Posted June 2, 2004 Originally posted by disguy Well you guys seem to have a very strong connection. I mean you say he can take your breathe away simply by kissing and you were never into kissing. His abandonment issue i can relate to. He might be feeling that he has his heart in your hands and is scared that your relationship is too good to be true. And if you were to kick him to the curb it would really hurt because he gave his all in the relationship. These are just some of the things that i had when i felt the way that he might be feeling. What you should do? Well you could stay by your man and support him. Reassure him that as long as he treats you the way he treats you that you will be by his side for as long as he wants you. Just saying things like that might help. And just asking questions to yourself like "is he worth it to you?" Just try to spend as much time together as you can. And remember that communication is key here. Thank you for sharing. IT's really helpful. It is apparent that he is feeling the need to put some space between us after these awesome dates, so how do I stand by him while at the same time give him his space? I imagine that would mean not pressuring him and letting him have that space and at the same time not being resentful, and when we do spend that time together letting him know that I'm here as long as he treats me well? Mind you he's never said he needs "space" or anything like that, but I can see he's trying to distance his feelings. Which I suppose is understandable. We all have issues. I imagine that after time, he'll feel it's safe. Is this so? Thanks Disguy Link to post Share on other sites
disguy Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 After awhile, a long while might i add, it took me to finally start to open up. I mean after all love is all about taking risk. Hopefully he will see it that way too. We all have had are hearts broken or will have them broken at least once in our life. But if he doesn't wanna take that risk then all is lost. Its up to you to find out if he's willing to take that risk. Don't rush into it all at once. Just kinda start off with little hints about how he's feeling. You don't wanna scare him off. About the space, well i never really needed space when it came to that. All i needed was time. And if you can give that to him, then i think he will come around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MsLandon Posted June 2, 2004 Author Share Posted June 2, 2004 Originally posted by disguy After awhile, a long while might i add, it took me to finally start to open up. I mean after all love is all about taking risk. Hopefully he will see it that way too. We all have had are hearts broken or will have them broken at least once in our life. But if he doesn't wanna take that risk then all is lost. Its up to you to find out if he's willing to take that risk. Don't rush into it all at once. Just kinda start off with little hints about how he's feeling. You don't wanna scare him off. About the space, well i never really needed space when it came to that. All i needed was time. And if you can give that to him, then i think he will come around. The strange thing is that's he's very open. He has told me alot about himself, his issues, and his feelings - but only to an extent, and he did this before say our last two dates which were more personal in terms of connecting not just mentally as we have of the past few years, but now suddenly in a romantic more heart felt way. Since then he hasn't been forthcoming about his "feelings" as they relate to how I make him feel very much at all. He's playing that very close to the vest. I suppose that's understandable too. I certainly didn't expect to have that type of connection and I'm certain that it caught him off guard too. I don't get the feeling that he is unwilling to risk being in love. He actually hopes to fall in love and to have a family. But all of these new "feelings" and such has happened very quickly and without warning. When we were together Friday I was thinking - "I'd never imaging that I'd have this type of connection with this guy. You really don't know what life has in store." I hadn't realized long ago that life would ALWAYS surprise me I'd probably be taken back with it myself. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and perspective. It definatley provided some much needed clarity. Where are you with your abandonment issue now? Link to post Share on other sites
disguy Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 Where am i with my abandonment issue now? Well right now i feel more forthcoming about my feelings with my girl now. It took awhile to completely open up to her for the simple fact that i was scared that maybe i would get my heart stomped on and shattered like broken glass. (just because of the things that have happened in the past) - believe me, has major impact on my views on love now. I think its just all about trust. And i completely trust her because she has never given me any reason not to. So if you just start building that trust with your man, then eventually he will come to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MsLandon Posted June 3, 2004 Author Share Posted June 3, 2004 Sounds like it's about consistancy, right? I am thinking that since he seems to need to pull back after our intense dates that I should give him some time to adjust emotionally or how ever he is rationalizing it in his mind. I feel like calling him would be pushing him -- like I'm forcing him to talk with me right then and deal with his fear rather than let him make his next move with he's at his comfort level again. Do you think that's a smart move? To remain silent on this end until he's ready. I don't know...I just consider that a part of giving him time do deal with his feelings. He mentioned to me that when he doesn't want to deal with things emotionally - like fear of getting close and the lot, he tends to drown himself in his work and he shuts everything else out for a time. I mean, I'm not worried that he'll shut me out of his life or anything. What are your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
maria72 Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 Has he been married before? I dated a guy who had major abandoment issues....fell in love real fast and we were close for a long time but when "reality" came into the picture we broke up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MsLandon Posted June 3, 2004 Author Share Posted June 3, 2004 Originally posted by maria72 Has he been married before? I dated a guy who had major abandoment issues....fell in love real fast and we were close for a long time but when "reality" came into the picture we broke up. No he's never been married. When he talked about his past abandonment issues he said that they developed because his father died with he was 5 or 7. Not only did he loose his father, but his father's family turned their backs on his mother and both him and his brother. Their life was very hard because she was Croatian, not a native - didn't have the best education and had to work 3 jobs to keep them housed, dressed and fed. She had no family here so their "married" family also abandoned them. What do you mean, when things got "real" it didn't work out? Link to post Share on other sites
maria72 Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 Well, ours was a long distance thing...so when we saw each other nothing was based in reality...but when we started talking about marriage and money, kids, etc. he couldn't handle it....and he abandoned ship I believe because he "thought" I would first. Devastated me for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MsLandon Posted June 3, 2004 Author Share Posted June 3, 2004 Sorry to hear that. Goodness. You never know what to expect in situations like that. Do you think it was because he has abandonment issues, or was it just the reality of trying to build a live together after having had a long distance relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
maria72 Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 I think he has abadnonment issues given that he's been divorced twice. "Abandoners" can start relationships but they can't finish them. He also had a lot of other issues to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MsLandon Posted June 3, 2004 Author Share Posted June 3, 2004 That's an interesting perspective. I don't know that I'm considering this guy an "abandoner" per se. I see folks who have a fear of being left by those they love as having abandonment issues. You know, they find it scary to get close because they are fearful that they'll be left again, heartbroken, etc. I don't think that he would just flat out leave me - because he doesn't want me to go...and when he thinks that I am going to go or loose interest he actions shows that panic so to speak. It's rather interesting, afraid to get close for fear of getting hurt, but at the same time, not wanting those they care about to leave them either. It's a strange dance - and just plain confusing on my end. Do you think that your ex became an "abandoner" for a specific reason? I wonder what causes that? Link to post Share on other sites
maria72 Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 I think “fear” of abandonment and the act of “abandoning” are intertwined. My guy leaves people before they have the chance to leave him. He thinks if someone questions his actions on certain things that means they’re going to leave him so he cuts out first rather than learning that constructive criticism from someone who love you is a GOOD thing. I want someone who is normal. Where ARE these guys? Link to post Share on other sites
disguy Posted June 4, 2004 Share Posted June 4, 2004 Originally posted by maria72 "Abandoners" can start relationships but they can't finish them. He also had a lot of other issues to deal with. I disagree here, because i for one was quote unquote an "Abandoner". But i am not like this anymore. People change, especially if there is that special significant other that is worth changing for. Link to post Share on other sites
disguy Posted June 4, 2004 Share Posted June 4, 2004 Do you think that your ex became an "abandoner" for a specific reason? I wonder what causes that? What causes it, is that you get cheated on. You put your heart and soul into the relationship and end up falling flat on your face. Numerous things can cause this feeling. When i was younger around 18, I fell really heard for this girl. I treated her so good and did everything in my will power to make her happy. I was naive then, thinking that if I treated a girl so good, then why would she ever even consider cheating on me? Well this girl ended up ho'in around and i didn't even know this. All my friends were telling me that she was a slut, but i guess I just had to find out on my own. It finally took my own sister to slap me back into reality. This other girl that i dated for 4 1/2 years pretty much didn't know what she wanted and played to many mind games. To put that story all in a nutshell. But what my point is, is that, The first girl that i fell hard for, I finally got over her. I was just so bitter and angry of what she did to me. I just wanted to get with any girl and do the same thing she did to me, to her. But i never stooped to her level and took a chance with the other girl that i dated for 4 1/2 years. Okay i'm kinda getting my self lost here. So what it basically boils down to is that i was scared to open up again. I put in too much of my heart and wasted so many years of my life into those relationships and I just didn't want that to happen to me again. I hope this answers your question. Link to post Share on other sites
disguy Posted June 4, 2004 Share Posted June 4, 2004 oops didn't mean to post this one Link to post Share on other sites
Author MsLandon Posted June 8, 2004 Author Share Posted June 8, 2004 It's been a week and we haven't talked. Left him a message last week. No reply...although this wouldn't be the first time it has taken him a week or so to reply to me. The first time I responded to his feelings for me via email it took over a week for him to respond -- and that was with him sending an anxious reply back! Link to post Share on other sites
neptoon Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 Oh, MsLandon, I'm so excited for you. That's so awesome that he takes your breath away just from kissing! I know how that feels and I love that. Another thing I'd like to say...this thread has just taught me worlds about myself! I think I'm a girl with abandonment issues. I'm someone who can never finish relationships in the past (though I'm working through it) and it started with one traumatic event where I felt abandoned during childhood and it's left me uneasy forever -- and then my dad died a few years ago and it got worse. And disguy is right ... a guy cheated on me and it got even worse! Do you know why he's not calling you? He's afraid he might get too close and scare you away. This is exactly how I think sometimes. The last guy I started seeing (this was a few years ago and we ended up going out for 5 years)...in the beginning, I would absolutely not call him because I had issues -- I had a tendancy to get really close and become emotionally dependent and I knew it. I'm still trying to deal with these issues of abandonment still today. Is this guy in his 30's? Why I ask is because my abandonment issues took a major turning point at 30. I had a slight fixation on being independent and coaxing myself into thinking I don't need anyone (and I know that's not true) because it's so much easier to believe that than to fall in love and find out the other person doesn't love you and you get that feeling that sinking feeling inside. My bf is helping me get through this now by reassuring me that he'll always be there. I say stick it out with this guy and you can help him get through it. I love my bf because he doesn't make me feel like I'm around too much and I sometimes get scared that I am and I want to call him but I'm afraid again. Slowly but surely I'm getting through it. It's hard but just keep telling him that you want him around and that when he's not around, that you're thinking of him. Link to post Share on other sites
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