Infidelities have destroyed my self-esteem

[Paralysed]

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I stumbled upon this site today, and thought I'd share my story. I am mired in a bottomless well of depression that has been fueled by my wife's infidelities and my inability to deal with them. Any comments or perspectives on my situation are welcome.

 

I am a middle-aged man who has been married for close to ten years. About 4 years ago, my marriage began to deteoriate. At the time, we were coping with the the death of her father. My wife reacted to this situation with anger, and because I was close by, I received the brunt of her hostility. At the same time, I began to show signs of depression. It was at that point that she revealed to me that she had an affair (a second one) that continued for months just prior to our marriage. Since then, my depression has steadily worsened. My core issues involve low self esteem and a crisis of sexual identity.

 

My wife had been unfaithful once while we were dating, and I found myself scrambling to do whatever it took to win her back and restore the stability of our relationship. However, since that time, I grew to regret how I handled things. I felt diminished, my self-esteem was seriously impaired, and struggled with feelings of betrayal. I later vowed to not act this way should the situation happen again. I have only ever been with my wife, and I find that my inexperience magnifies these infidelities.

 

Once I found out that she had again been unfaithful, instead of becoming angry, I turned my anger inward and became consumed by self-hate. Between my wife's anger over the death of her father and my despondency and paralysis over our relationship, our sexual relationship died. Since then, I have sought treatment for depression, which continues still. I have been diagnosed with atypical depression, and as yet, nothing has proven helpful in correcting my mood. Additionally we have sought marriage counseling several times, but it always ended in gridlock.

 

A factor that continues to suppress my self-esteem includes the destruction of my sexual identity. This has been achieved by a number of factors: a.) The affairs, which have served to validate and further define my biggest fears/inadequacies. Nothing has been done to mitigate their affect, b.) Her inconsistent hot/cold reactions to me, c.) Her display/use of irrational emotions, especially anger, to exert her will, d.) The neglect of her appearance, e.) Her failure/refusal to satisfy my emotional needs within our sexual relationship (Sex serves to push us away as opposed to bring us together). I am unable to mention these problems without becoming embroiled in a bitter dispute. Engaging in sexual activities under the present circumstances produces feelings of contempt for myself. I do not believe that I am able to sustain feelings of sexual attraction to her. Because I have perceived her as being the “withholder” during our relationship, I find it difficult to become interested and sustain interest.

 

I do not know where to go from here with respect to our sexual relationship, and more broadly, with the marriage itself. I believe that my wife needs to take decisive action in this regard to instill a sense of desire in me. However, I do not believe that our sexual relationship offers me any lasting sexual and emotional satisfaction in its present or past form.

 

Recently, I have tried to place my concerns ahead of the marriage, but because my esteem is so low, I cannot seem to dig myself free. I do not want to let go of the marriage, but I can't see any way out. And I have my inner voice telling me that I will never find another woman who will find me attractive. This statement continues to be validated by my present situation. I don't know what to do, I am paralysed by my situation, and cannot see any way out of the quagmire.

[Moose]

Well, it is obvious that you have low self-esteem. If your wife is still having affairs, then I don't see why you are still with her. I know it's probably due to your low self-esteem, you feel like you can't do any better. You are very wrong my friend!!! If you look at my quotes, one of them says if you have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, then you're pissin' all over today....I know it's hard for you to believe me, but if you'd just take the chance and try to go out and have fun you'll find other women find you attractive.

 

I realize that I don't know what you look like, but you need to have more faith in yourself!! A low self-esteem is one thing, and I imagine it's hard to deal with....but once you give yourself half a chance, you will build your confidence back up.

 

I also understand about you not wanting to lose your wife, but like I said, if she's still having affairs, you need to let her go....she's not loving you like you should be....and you deserve better.....go out and have some fun!!!!!

 

Good Luck

Moose

[pitprincess]

Men and Wemon both tend to feel like there are no other that will find them attractive.

That is just not true.

Your depressed because you set and think about the past experances and it gives you little hope.

I agree, if your not happy whats wrong with trying to make your self smile from time to time

 

You should try doing something that will bring some shine in your life

 

She is cheating... Your not..

Im not telling you to go cheat at all... I am telling you to find a friend to talk to and share happy times with.

You need some friends to go hang out with that will put some life back in you.

 

Your never to old to smile and once you get to do it again you will like it

I wish you all the best and I do By the way agree with the other poster as well

Take care

[Paralysed]

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Thank you both for your advice. To clarify, my wife is not presently having an affair, but my trust in her has been ruined. My wife is outraged by my admission to not trusting her, but she has not offered me anything to rebuild that trust. Her anger has made the process of rebuilding that trust almost impossible. To answer Moose, I believe that I have average to good looks. People are always surprised by my age, and tell me that I look much younger. Nevertheless, I have received nothing but rejection from women prior to my wife, and I remain unconvinced that this will be different if I separate.

 

We attended a marriage counseling appointment last night, which consisted primarily of me telling her what I need, and her making rebuttals. As I said in my initial post, my wife is struggling with controlling her anger, and everything I said was vehemently countered, as though it were a court of law. We left the session with the understanding that, if we meet again, we will discuss ways to rebuild the physical connection or else discuss what needs to be done to separate.

 

I don't want to walk away from the marriage in part because she is really the only family I have left. But we have not seen eye to eye for years, and have less and less in common. Since I have been struggling with my depression, we have devolved into housemates as opposed to spouses. And because my sexual identity is so critical to my self-esteem, I feel trapped in a dead end situation without the tools needed to repair the damage.

 

I know that a lot of my paralysis/indecision is a result of my depression, but after four years, I am still in the same situation, health wise. I have tried most SSRIs without success, and am about to graduate to MAOIs. I remain convinced that my depression stems from my self-esteem, and I am terrified that separation will drive my self-esteem even lower. I feel totally unable to take the next step.

[Moose]

It sounds like you could also use a friend or two. You probably have them, but you need someone you are willing to open up to. I've been through a lot in my life and I'm willing to listen to you and help you out through this. I'm glad to hear that your wife isn't in a relationship with anyone else besides you....but....marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100 and is she's not willing to give her 100%, then your 100% will drain you.

 

 

I also think that your mistrust might have a lot to do with her distancing herself from you. Your admission to her drives her down a peg and of course she doesn't want to have anything to do with you. You are waiting for her to offer reasons why you should trust her again, well, a lot of times you have to take the first step whether you think it's fair to you or not.

 

My question is, what is it that you want from her that gives you hope to trust her again? How can she prove it to you in your eyes? I only see one way and that is to allow her into temptation which is the dumbest thing to do. So I guess what I'm saying is take the first step. Tell her what you told us about her being the only one to make you feel accepted and not rejected, how much it killed you that she had an affair. That she's the only family you have left, give her a sense of worth and she will show you signs that you can trust her. You are going to have to learn the art of forgiveness.....

 

Keep us informed, ok?

[dudesomewhere]

she is too much a negative force in your life.

 

Knowing that you'll be without her should strengthen that which you are. You are a forgiving person, to have put up with a second incident of cheating. You should realize and appreciate that quality in you, even if it is being forgiving to a fault.

 

In relationships, once trust is lost, it never really gets regained. What takes its place is usually weariness and caution, but not trust. Her infidelity is your nudge out. I'm not sure what can be made of forgiving an infidelity and getting you a cleaner divorce but see if anything can be done with that. You don't want to walk away from the marriage, but at the same time she has to want this marriage. If a boat is sinking and requires 2 people to help keep it afloat, but only 1 person is trying while the other sits back and refuses...the boat will end up sinking. The only thing gained is a longer death.

[Rogue]

I think you should spend some time away from your wife. I don't mean divorce, or separation, or look for someone else----- just live apart for a while.

 

It's not a break up, just a way to let her know that what she's doing is unacceptable.If you moved out, it would give you a chance to get some perspective on this, and also help relieve you of some of the emotional stress all this is causing you. For your own sanity, you need to get some distance till you can figure out how to deal with this mess.

[jazzin7]

Look at website http://www.restorem.org

[Paralysed]

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Thank you for your wonderful, constructive feedback. I have been moving towards what Rogue has suggested (above). My wife has repeatedly told me she wants to separate and that she is looking at appointments, however she inevitably goes back on her words, because she "does not want to leave her home". In this situation, she uses her threats of separation as an ultimatum, but she never backs it up.

 

I realize that it would be easier for me to move. Over the past 4 years, my wife has moved out twice and stayed at friends, but both times, she came back after a month or so, because she wanted to be home. So I need to be the one leaving. I'll update when I have a plan.

[jazzin7]

Sorry, my post did not show as I gave the website link earlier. If you are interested in solving ALL your problems, and restore your marriage I would suggest you check out this website ( restorem.org ) You don't have to take my advice but is only a suggestion. It is helping me so much! It helps to read the testimonials on their web page of restored marriages even in Hopeless situations.

[Paralysed]

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Since the last post, I have had a chance to discuss these problems frankly with my wife. She has expressed numerous times that we separate, and I took this opportunity to start the conversation regarding what a trial separation would look like. However, we were unable to reach any consensus. She expressed to me that she still loves me, and views a separation as a temporary thing. I expressed to her the profound damage that has been done to my self esteem and the part she can play in helping me reestablish my sexuality in a context I can live with. I also expressed the exteent to which my trust in her has been damaged.

 

Unfortunately, no decisions were made at the time, and we have continued to proceed as we did before. This latest development has left me once again on shaky ground in terms of self esteem. I am now viewing my wife's repeated requests to separate as ultimatums that she is not prepared to act on, and this makes me feel trapped, bullied and worthless.

 

I feel trapped by these developments, and can see no path forward that will not have dire consequences for my self esteem. At this point, even my psychiatrist is treating the marriage as a primary factor in maintining my constant depressed state. I am running out of options, energy, and hope. I cannot remain in this relationship, but I fear that separating will be a significant emotional battle, for which I am not prepared to engage in.

 

Any thoughts?