EgoJoe Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Don't even know what I would say. Been months, blah blah blah. Don't want to think about, dream about or remember her and yet I feel like talking to her and have nothing to say. Ain't life grand? I'm going to a damn meeting. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 (edited) I am right there with you. I wasn't doing bad all day and then tonight it hit me. I was so looking forward to NC to get her out of my life for good. It has been 26 days (have to look at the notation on the calendar because I am not keeping track day to day) and I was doing great the first two weeks and then I started missing her. Hell, I don't even know if I am missing her. When I look at it logically, there is nothing to miss. I guess I am holding on to a fantasy. Part of me wants to tell her "remember me?" but I know it won't mean anything to her. She couldn't care less. Why to we care for people who don't care about us?? Edited January 31, 2012 by Frank13 Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Up until a few weeks ago I'd have given anything to see her one last time before her wedding, but for many reasons, reality has sunk in recently and now I don't feel that way anymore. I'd still love to see her, but I don't need to see her. We're still polite to each other and right now, that feels fine. I no longer feel this over whelming pressure and impending doom of her wedding. I can't really put my finger on why things changed so recently, but they just did. I know I still feel the same way about her, but it's just okay. This will come to you too but not if you break NC and make contact as that will only have one outcome, you'll be back to square one and you'll make a new thread entitled "why did I do that?" (we should have a section considering how many of us break NC then regret it). What you're missing is the fantasy not the reality of who this person is/was. I bet in your mind, you imagine her being happy to hear from you, maybe even wanting to meet up and, well, who knows. That's just your heart trying desperately to cling onto the past whereas your head is slowly getting back in control. You can tell they're in conflict as you're confused by what you'd do or say, but you just feel you should do something. Don't do it. Please. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted January 31, 2012 Author Share Posted January 31, 2012 I don't imagine her being anything. I don't even want to do it. Had this urge that conflicted. Posting about it and going to an AA helped. I rarely ever go and it's only to share about sobriety and more when I do. Today I shared about temptation and defense mechanisms. I don't want to see her, talk to her or anything. It was just a weird urge. Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Joe whats the worst that can happen if you contact her, you hate her even more? God forgive you speak and actually forgive her and put your conflicting soul at rest. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 (edited) I don't imagine her being anything. I don't even want to do it. Had this urge that conflicted. Posting about it and going to an AA helped. I rarely ever go and it's only to share about sobriety and more when I do. Today I shared about temptation and defense mechanisms. I don't want to see her, talk to her or anything. It was just a weird urge. Urges will be there. They'll pass, inevitably. I don't see anything coming out of contact when just the thought of contact causes you turmoil. When I used to want to break NC towards the later stage of healing, I used to have the same thoughts. Most times I didn't even know what I would say or why I needed to contact. Maybe it was just a need to feel familiarity again, to find a safe place and not so much the need for him. Its good that you have methods of coping when you feel this way rather than react. It's best to work through your feelings and thoughts. I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I may sound callous but this will pass. Edited January 31, 2012 by geegirl Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted January 31, 2012 Author Share Posted January 31, 2012 I think the worst that could happen is that I would give a **** about what she said or didn't say. The truth is...it is coming up on a year to when we started fighting and I have a great memory. Thanks Geegirl. I agree about the conflict. I mean...considering the types of contact there was. No surprise I haven't heard from her. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 (edited) I think the worst that could happen is that I would give a **** about what she said or didn't say. The truth is...it is coming up on a year to when we started fighting and I have a great memory. Thanks Geegirl. I agree about the conflict. I mean...considering the types of contact there was. No surprise I haven't heard from her. Personally, I had to reach indifference or a greater level of acceptance to be able to positively embrace any sort of reaction/non-reaction, without feeling emotionally affected by it. And with that transition, I found myself slowly feeling forgiveness. Any contact at this point will be useless to the both of you. I don't believe anything good can come out of it when you're still dealing with unresolved emotions. You'll create space in your heart for forgiveness once you've freed yourself from your turmoil. Contact by then will have a much more relevant meaning to you rather than when you're still trying to sieve through your emotions. You're doing great EJ. It's a great feeling to be released from that fog. I know it all too well. For now, just a passing wave. Comes and goes. In time, few and far between. And suddenly, gone. Edited January 31, 2012 by geegirl Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 It took my exW getting knocked up and engaged (inside a year of us separating) for me to never want to speak to her ever again. And that will never change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted February 1, 2012 Author Share Posted February 1, 2012 I'm supposed to want indifference and I'm conflicted about that too. All good, haven't broken NC. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 (edited) Do what you want to do, Joe. No contact is, IMO, about the immediate aftermath. The sleepless nights, the racing thoughts, the sorrow. It's about creating a calmer environment for you. It's been months now, so you have got what you need out of not contacting her. Maybe ask yourself, what do you want from a phone call? What would be the worst outcome and can you handle that? Would it be no answer, crying and blaming, or a great conversation that would freak you out most? Then judge just how you will respond, if you are ready for any of those outcomes (and the most likely one, which is a slightly awkward conversation with no clear next step) and own your decision. Are you going to woo her? Are you calling to say sorry, no hard feelings? Are you calling say you miss her and there's so much you want to say? Or is the very fact you have these doubts and worries about it a sign you're not actually cool with it and, in fact, it's just a brain fart that needed the duvet lifting to get rid of? Every decision is a 50/50 chance. If it hurts, it's a lesson learnt. If it doesn't, it's paid off. Rinse and repeat. Edited February 1, 2012 by betterdeal Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted February 1, 2012 Author Share Posted February 1, 2012 I have no idea Betterdeal. Considering our long drawn out breakup...the post BU emails and when I went silent as everything seemed like BS, excuses and just a really immature mode of communication. I went silent in september after I heard when she had said she wanted to talk, I followed up congenially and played it cool and finally asked, "did you still want to talk" on FB and she sent via email "sorry for the delay, my dog died...not sure how I'm feeling" yet again...and then I got a 3:30am email in october after I had been six weeks NC again...which was "Things are tough but I am doing better. I am really stressed with (this and that). I hope you have moved on and are also in a better place." Everything but the last bit is paraphrased...I don't think it is important to go over the other things. I've had anonymous phone calls where someone hangs up and I blocked her on FB about a week or two after her last email. She had been unfriended since before we even broke up. Talking about and admitting the urge to break NC definitely helped alleviate it. I don't know what would happen if I contacted and received nothing. I don't know what I'd say...I still have a lot of valid resentment and she was really really evasive before, during and after the breakup even after SHE said she wanted to talk when I had sent an apology (just to try and be mature so I could move on easier) for one specific invasion of her "space" where I called her a passive aggresive liar etc. I never cussed or insulted and I meant the things I said, I sent the apology because I felt bad about doing it there and then. After I sent that she said she wanted to talk and never followed through, made sure to try and "control" the mode of communication and I tested this obviously. So...I just stopped when I got her email in september, one more email six weeks after, and silence for the most part. Though I have some suspicions about the calls...I...dunno. She might think she is blocked on email too or whatever but...I doubt that would be the only thing holding her back. The only reason I'd call in all honesty...would be to do some emotional dumping and I need to focus on doing that in a healthier manner. This post is a little more mentally disorganized than I would normally prefer to put out but I am trying to just put the thoughts down, allow others to read them in their raw format and do the same so as to gain insight, advice etc. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 (edited) I understand. Keep on processing it and writing here if it helps. The prank calls were probably her. She sounds just one step removed from where you are e.g. she gets the urge to contact you and dials the number but doesn't speak, whereas you get the urge but don't dial. However that is by-the-by. The fact that you remember those prank calls at all says something about your state of alert. And being alert like that suggests to me you are maintaining a protective barrier between you and her. You sound quite uncomfortable with a collection of mixed emotions inside you. Some of which make you feel vulnerable in a bad way because they are involuntary. Let me suggest something here: your feelings are about you and your needs and desires now. A need for love, sex, affection, to connect more with the world around you and someone in particular. That someone, however, does not need to be your ex. It could be your ex, but it could also be someone else. But you are cautious, perhaps afraid, of being hurt and hurting someone again, and therefore you are holding onto those feelings of regret, anger, guilt, sorrow, in order to stop yourself opening up and being available. And that's where the internal conflict lies: on one hand you desire to be open and connected, to feel new feelings, to live in the present; on the other you are closing yourself off from the world, disconnecting, to protect yourself. This latest surge of anger may even be your inner self raging to get out of (what was once a protective fort but is now a) self-imposed prison. Does that ring any bells with you? Edited February 2, 2012 by betterdeal Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 The conflict of ego emotions and emotions from the self. Yeah it rings a bell and makes perfect sense. I've been aware of this too. I've had dreams too. I had a two week span where it was her every night after six months..and she was just conceited, self-absorbed and still had no personal accountability in my dreams too. I don't want to connect with others. I want to be happy being alone so that if ever in the future I get the vibes I did around this time last year. I walk first before it goes bad, before I feel insulted etc. I've spoken quite a bit with Homebrew and I think that NC is the only way. Why talk to someone who doesn't respect me? She is seemingly oblivious and in denial. Perhaps I was too tough during the breakup, the worst I got was exasperated and hopeful. No crying, no begging, I asked why/what/when/how, said this sucks and that was that. I'm really jaded and I don't want to connect. I suppose subconsciously I do but conscious I do not. I want to be alone, an island, self-sufficient and successful. I don't want to be held back or down. I sacrificed a lot for that girl and it got me nowhere other than emotionally, intellectually and somewhat spiritually evolved. It also hurt like all hell and I never wanted to love her or anybody for that matter. What is worse is that I find myself caring less and less about the way I present things, myself and the like. I am getting more and more terse, direct and succinct which is not always the best course of action. Your thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Sounds like you're hurting and you don't want to, or know how to, let it out. Don't be too afraid about connecting with the world; it will happen in good time; and you will be okay. But for now, remember that it's okay to not be okay. This is not about her. This is your journey. When you're ready, you'll start caring more. For now, rest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 I want this urge to go away. Her chapter in my life is over. It is a very sad thing to say and think. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 I know, buddy. It is a very sad thing to accept it is over. You have my sympathies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 I haven't accepted it though...just reading your reply ilicited a negative emotional response. I've put up a strong front but friends and family saw me obsess and crack. I lost so much weight and I kept fighting forward but I have been shutting down lately. I am not sure what to do about my current situation. I am finally going back to college after dropping out. My new major is going to be a challenge and I am excited, I have yet another job lined up after experiencing the worst luck of my life last year. Yet...here I am. I know one thing. Breaking no contact around this time of year is a terrible idea and that alone has stopped me from even lashing out. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 (edited) Is it over? Are you not ready to put her in with the other also-rans yet? Good to hear you're getting back to college and have work lined up. So, it's not perfect that you're having unsettling thoughts, but life's never perfect. Although it's the imperfections that make it perfect according to a great jazz musician. Hey, I just thought, what with all these new changes - job, college - maybe you're regressing a bit because you're a bit daunted about stepping out in the world again? Edited February 2, 2012 by betterdeal Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 It has been over...I guess. I mean were I to take her literally in conjunction with other behavior and no contact from her...yeah. I don't feel daunted by the world. I got knocked down quite a bit last year but I'm still going. I'm not afraid or intimidated..by anything but talking to this damn girl. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Women, eh? You can't live with'em and you can't kill live without 'em. Maybe it's over because of the way you feel about her? Who knows? You ever have a brain teaser, puzzle or problem you just can't solve no matter how much you wrack your brains? Then when you go for a pee or to make a coffee or do something that takes your mind off it and when you come back, the solution is plain as day? It's funny that, isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 I have been pushing it out. I am uncomfortable convincing myself of anything where the facts are not evident. Woe to the literalist forced to embrace an emotionally subjective fate, hah. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts