harkkam Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I am 25 and graduated college, and I have a small social circle with a time consuming job. I would like to date again its just that I am having a hard time coming across eligible women. I rarely get a chance to be with young women my age that I can approach in situations that I feel comfortable in. I am a shy introverted guy and I dont like approaching people randomly that means I dont like talking to strangers at a Bar or club, I wouldnt like talking to girls at a coffee shop or concert or any type of event that brings lots of people together but has no connection to each other. I would feel comfortable talking to women who are, in a group that meets in a regular fashion like a hiking group or a kayaking group. I would feel comfortable talking to women friends of the friends that I have. The only issue I have is that the methods I am comfortable with dont work in my favor, all the women that go to the groups are older and married. And secondly I dont have any friends that know any women. So my issue is meeting more people/meeting more women in a comfortable manner. I tried online dating but I got one reply back for like a 100 emails that I sent and I never got a date. So that leaves me with two choices 1) Suck it up and start going to bars and clubs, bookstores, grocery stores etc. and start hitting on women that I don't know and feel uncomfortable with as a process itself 2) Find a place that I am comfortable with and has lots of young women, but I havent found that place yet. I live in NYC btw, and before people judge me and tell me how easy it is. Remember I have only one close friend, I dont like approaching people I dont know and dont have a connection with at bars, clubs, bookstores, grocery stores, parks, sidewalks, concerts, etc. Even though there are lots of women here there is no way for me to know and introduce myself that I can think off. I need some ideas that I would be comfortable doing and would have young women Link to post Share on other sites
stitch702 Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Sometimes you just have to step outside of that comfort zone. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 People keep telling me that I need to date women my around my age, I'm 30, but I have no real idea where they are. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Time consuming, NYC, shy; are you an accountant? NYC has plenty of meetups, bars, places to go, clubs to visit, the thing with NYC is you'll spend yourself out of home. NYC's culture is disposable. Find one and if you don't like them, move on to the next. You'll bump into both women and men like that. You need to go to the neighborhood bar or the bar near your office. Go to happy hour with your coworkers. Get out and about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author harkkam Posted February 1, 2012 Author Share Posted February 1, 2012 (edited) No Im a financial adviser with a firm. I really don't want bars and clubs, meetups have no young women, I dont have a personal network. Many women will attest to not wanting to date guys they meet in bars or clubs I'm looking for a place to network with people who have a decent social circle or where I can meet women out right. This has been a new years resolution and I want to get it handled. My goal isnt to sleep with as many women but to have as many prospective women I can ask out on dates to give me a good choice so I am not let without anything to work with. The problem with dating is not dating itself but the lack of choice most men have. They ask five women over a period of three years and focus on being more attractive or confident. When they dont have a strategy to even meet these women in the first place. Thats what I would like to develop Here is what I am looking for 1) A place that does NOT involve cold approaching in one form or another ie bars, clubs, grocery stores, book stores, coffee shops. 2) A place that has young women, which means meetup is out of the picture Lots of times good meaning people will recommend places like (the bar, the club, the gym, the bookstore) But most people will forget to also incorporate the fact that its very intimidating for some guys to simply ask a girl "hey what are you reading" at any one of those spots. At a bar, a bookstore there is no connection that bridges you together. People have suggested to attend professional development networking seminars and such. Imagine being in a room full of 100 people and there are five attractive women. You have to find a way to get closer make an opening and hold her interest for more than two seconds and all of that I find difficult. I remember in class it was easier you saw a girl sitting next to you, you can just turn around and ask her about the professor and go from there. The connection between the two of you was stronger and it made it easier from an anxiety point of view to open that person up. I look at most that often get suggested for men to meet women as making cold calls to people. Most men will not talk to attractive women at bookstores, grocery stores and coffee shops. They might take a chance at a bar or club but % wise very few actually turn into real actionable dates. Lots of bartenders have personally attested to seeing men getting blown out 90% of the time I feel like meeting people where there is some type of connection makes it easier. Thats why the majority of people meet through school, work and friends. Thats why my predicament stinks. I dont go to college anymore and I have all but one friend. In my work place all the women are older, and its hard to get social with other male co-workers to a point where they introduce you to their personal social network, very rarely does that happen I would hate to flail around but I need some good ideas guys. I really think all mens dating problems start with this problem, location location location and its often least thought about. Edited February 1, 2012 by harkkam Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Join some clubs. Join the local alumni group. Some alumni groups have some really nice meetings where you can build your social network. I'll even suggest talking to clients, not the direct clients but the client's staff. I had client's staff hit on me and vice versa. It is not fun to date clients but that is another option. If you have an expense account, maybe use that to improve your social skills by taking the client team to business lunches. This will also help you generate business in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 What youre trying to do is get women without feeling the rejection for approaching them. Youre never going to get it. No matter where you go, if women werent approaching you already, they never will. So you have to suck it up and learn to approach women and learn to not take the rejections personally. It just takes some understanding of how it works. Since you dont already have friends, and you have to ask how to make them, youre not going to be invited to parties where you get introduced to people for a long time. So you have to do the groundwork now, and learn how to approach women everywhere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author harkkam Posted February 1, 2012 Author Share Posted February 1, 2012 What youre trying to do is get women without feeling the rejection for approaching them. Youre never going to get it. No matter where you go, if women werent approaching you already, they never will. So you have to suck it up and learn to approach women and learn to not take the rejections personally. It just takes some understanding of how it works. Since you dont already have friends, and you have to ask how to make them, youre not going to be invited to parties where you get introduced to people for a long time. So you have to do the groundwork now, and learn how to approach women everywhere. You make a good point. The time it would take to develop my social circle to the point of having enough friends and invites to social events would take quite some time. I guess what I'm saying is that its easier to approach women in certain instances and bear the rejection better than in other places. I know that I can get rejected while talking to a girl in class but its a lot softer than getting rejected in a book store or a club for that matter. So in the end it makes sense to go heavy on the pickup and approach only because my other option of building a social circle at this stage would take time that unacceptable. So in the end the decision comes down to: 1) Suck it up and approach in places even when the odds are pretty poor and get some traction going today 2) Spend time, which make take a long time to build a network that I can meet people through down the line A two fold approach Jerbear on a side note what do you, your response makes me think you are in the financial industry as well Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Jerbear on a side note what do you, your response makes me think you are in the financial industry as well Do I get a "free" lunch? If so then yes, otherwise darn, I though I was getting a steak at Morton's. I do have a financial background, Black Scholes, inverted yield curves, bond immunization, FASB, GASB, FAS, SAS, IFRS, blah blah blah; but I'm not in finance. Depending on where your office is. I suggest going out to lunch and just talking to women waiting in line, the wannabe models walking around Madison Ave, Starbucks line, etc... Just talk to them without expectations and go from there. After work, go to the gym, volunteer at social agencies (plenty of women are there), go to singles Meetup events. There are young professional meetups groups where you can meet people. There are also plenty of "Leads" councils in NYC. Lounges are nice to go with select friends but don't go by yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author harkkam Posted February 1, 2012 Author Share Posted February 1, 2012 (edited) Inverted bond yield curves.... Dont forget MSRB, FINRA haha What's a lead council? I guess there is no simple way and it's like finding a job it can come through so many avenues. Edited February 1, 2012 by harkkam Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 You're in NYC and I agree its not the greatest place to date... But actually meeting women is easy as sht. I mean young women are all over that town whether in the subways or in line for a bagel. Get your ass in gear and stop being so blind. Having a job where you work a lot will also impress a woman. Show her some guy who has all the free time in the world and she's turned off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author harkkam Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 You're in NYC and I agree its not the greatest place to date... But actually meeting women is easy as sht. I mean young women are all over that town whether in the subways or in line for a bagel. Get your ass in gear and stop being so blind. Having a job where you work a lot will also impress a woman. Show her some guy who has all the free time in the world and she's turned off. Is that how you guys meet women in your own lives, just curious. Or do you use your social network? Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Inverted bond yield curves.... Dont forget MSRB, FINRA haha What's a lead council? I guess there is no simple way and it's like finding a job it can come through so many avenues. Lead council is a group of people who go to meetings and exchange business cards. Make connections BEFORE you need their services. More like networking but as you talk to people. You'll get better interactions. I've used lead councils for many things, job searches, networking, learning new things, etc... Link to post Share on other sites
ScreamingTrees Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 You're in NYC and I agree its not the greatest place to date... But actually meeting women is easy as sht. I mean young women are all over that town whether in the subways or in line for a bagel. Get your ass in gear and stop being so blind. Having a job where you work a lot will also impress a woman. Show her some guy who has all the free time in the world and she's turned off. Well, this is about as helpful as a hole in a bucket, unless the dude's looking for rather impersonal, fleeting sexual encounters, which he doesn't seem interested in. He also doesn't seem to have a great number of friends and may not be the most sociable to begin with, so how's he going to just go out and try to screw some random girl if he's on the shy side? He wants to date. Meeting women is great, but it likely wouldn't lead anywhere. It's great if YOU could talk to some random girl in the subway, but who's to say she wouldn't shout rape or go through some dramatic song and dance or just ignore you or some other bull****? I'd also like to find an answer to this dude's question, it seems to be a problem for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 You're in NYC and I agree its not the greatest place to date... But actually meeting women is easy as sht. I mean young women are all over that town whether in the subways or in line for a bagel. Get your ass in gear and stop being so blind. Having a job where you work a lot will also impress a woman. Show her some guy who has all the free time in the world and she's turned off. Yeah Harkkam, you can approach women this way for practice on how women react when you talk to them.... While youre in line, or wherever, you just try to make them giggle (talk about the line or something). But heres the trick, you dont do it to try to get their numbers. You only do it to get them to laugh, and then you leave it be. Once they see that youre not a creep who is trying to score, and staring at them, they are more receptive. Once you get comfortable with this, you will never have a problem starting a conversation. You also might want to look up dating dynamics, and maybe a couple pick up artist sites so you know exactly how to avoid turning women off when you talk to them. Theres a LOT to learn. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Is that how you guys meet women in your own lives, just curious. Or do you use your social network? I mostly just meet women who I have the oportunity to. Could be a girl I see just while walking the street. I'm a man I can go up to them and chat them up show them some charm and then ask them out. It's the cool thing to do. Well, this is about as helpful as a hole in a bucket, unless the dude's looking for rather impersonal, fleeting sexual encounters, which he doesn't seem interested in. He also doesn't seem to have a great number of friends and may not be the most sociable to begin with, so how's he going to just go out and try to screw some random girl if he's on the shy side? He wants to date. Meeting women is great, but it likely wouldn't lead anywhere. It's great if YOU could talk to some random girl in the subway, but who's to say she wouldn't shout rape or go through some dramatic song and dance or just ignore you or some other bull****? I'd also like to find an answer to this dude's question, it seems to be a problem for me. No sht this is a problem for you chalenging all the practical advice I gave. I can't **** a girl for you. You have to go out there and make it happen. The title of this thread is "meeting women" and they are everywhere. You don't have to sit in a class with a girl for a few weeks before you're aloud to ask her out. You see a hot girl which if you leave your house on a regular basis you will. You hit on her. If you go out and live your life you learn the best places. Maybe you notice lots of hot girls shop at your grocery store. Be prepared to coment on the thing the girl is grabbing "oh I like that oatmeal brand too!" smile big flirt it up and then ask her out. It's that simple it's not fricken rocket science. Get out of your head and get out there and do something. Make moves you'll teach yourself. With out your own experiences I can't teach you sht. Even then I can't teach you, you'll just be able to relate better to what I say. Just be motivated by what I'm telling you and go out there and do something. Don't act like girls arn't out there or that you have to be formaly introduced. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Oh, ditch the coffee maker at home. Go out for coffee and who knows you might find a person of interests. You'll not going to meet people if you're home making your own coffee. Link to post Share on other sites
Scottdmw Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 My experience has been that it only gets harder as you get older, I find it much, much easier to meet mid-20s women then meeting mid 30s woman for example. I wonder how many Meetups you have gone to? I can only wish that such a thing existed when I was 25. I did a quick search in NYC and there were absolutely dozens of different Meetups every single day. I'm willing to bet some of them have some young women. You may not find the perfect paradise event where it's nothing but young women, honestly I usually consider an event a success if I talk to even 2 women who are reasonably appropriate. You have to be willing to make it happen though, it's not enough just to put yourself in the situation. It may help to choose different Meetups, personally I've had a lot of luck going to foreign-language conversation groups-- it's a cheap way to get better in a language even if you aren't very good to begin with, it's nothing but conversation, and there are usually more women than men. Also good are any hiking or running groups if you're into those things. Church groups are also great if you are a believer. Scott Link to post Share on other sites
ivyvine Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Harkkam, I am a woman in my mid 20s and have also found it difficult to find potential dates. I recommend you try joining your local alumni club (I live in a smaller city and my alumni club isn't very large so I haven't met anyone dateable there, but I have made some good friends and formed a larger social network). You could also try a young professionals group - this is a great way to network as well as meet a lot of single people in our age group. You really should just start talking to women, if they aren't interested at least try to form some kind of friendship with them - many single girls in their 20s have single friends they can introduce you to. Happy hours are a great place to meet women and other single people. Yes, most women say they don't want to date someone they met at the bar ... but happy hours are different. Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 The problem with dating is not dating itself but the lack of choice most men have. They ask five women over a period of three years and focus on being more attractive or confident. When they dont have a strategy to even meet these women in the first place. But most people will forget to also incorporate the fact that its very intimidating for some guys to simply ask a girl "hey what are you reading" at any one of those spots. At a bar, a bookstore there is no connection that bridges you together. You're not getting it right. The guys who work on themselves and become more confident have a strategy - they know that when they are more attractive and have confidence in themselves, they will be able to approach women they like whenver they want and wherever they want. If you don't have what women want, then surrounding yourself with lots and lots of women will increase your chance of finding a girlfriend just a tiny little bit. Right now, you seem a little bit anxious and wanting the easy road, which I find a bit boring. You would have more success doing what the other guys are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
thehead Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 I am 25 and graduated college, and I have a small social circle with a time consuming job. I would like to date again its just that I am having a hard time coming across eligible women. I rarely get a chance to be with young women my age that I can approach in situations that I feel comfortable in. I am a shy introverted guy and I dont like approaching people randomly that means I dont like talking to strangers at a Bar or club, I wouldnt like talking to girls at a coffee shop or concert or any type of event that brings lots of people together but has no connection to each other. I would feel comfortable talking to women who are, in a group that meets in a regular fashion like a hiking group or a kayaking group. I would feel comfortable talking to women friends of the friends that I have. The only issue I have is that the methods I am comfortable with dont work in my favor, all the women that go to the groups are older and married. And secondly I dont have any friends that know any women. So my issue is meeting more people/meeting more women in a comfortable manner. I tried online dating but I got one reply back for like a 100 emails that I sent and I never got a date. So that leaves me with two choices 1) Suck it up and start going to bars and clubs, bookstores, grocery stores etc. and start hitting on women that I don't know and feel uncomfortable with as a process itself 2) Find a place that I am comfortable with and has lots of young women, but I havent found that place yet. I live in NYC btw, and before people judge me and tell me how easy it is. Remember I have only one close friend, I dont like approaching people I dont know and dont have a connection with at bars, clubs, bookstores, grocery stores, parks, sidewalks, concerts, etc. Even though there are lots of women here there is no way for me to know and introduce myself that I can think off. I need some ideas that I would be comfortable doing and would have young women There is a lot of "I don't like this", "I don't like that" in this post, OP. They're not going to come to you so you either suck it up, do it, and learn to be comfortable with a different socializing style or you keep going it alone. I hope you decide to push yourself a little because it might surprise you how easy it becomes after a time. I like Eddie and Dust's advice about talking to strangers, as a start. Are there people at work you can go out with sometimes and maybe meet people through? Link to post Share on other sites
ScreamingTrees Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 I mostly just meet women who I have the oportunity to. Could be a girl I see just while walking the street. I'm a man I can go up to them and chat them up show them some charm and then ask them out. It's the cool thing to do. No sht this is a problem for you chalenging all the practical advice I gave. I can't **** a girl for you. You have to go out there and make it happen. The title of this thread is "meeting women" and they are everywhere. You don't have to sit in a class with a girl for a few weeks before you're aloud to ask her out. You see a hot girl which if you leave your house on a regular basis you will. You hit on her. If you go out and live your life you learn the best places. Maybe you notice lots of hot girls shop at your grocery store. Be prepared to coment on the thing the girl is grabbing "oh I like that oatmeal brand too!" smile big flirt it up and then ask her out. It's that simple it's not fricken rocket science. Get out of your head and get out there and do something. Make moves you'll teach yourself. With out your own experiences I can't teach you sht. Even then I can't teach you, you'll just be able to relate better to what I say. Just be motivated by what I'm telling you and go out there and do something. Don't act like girls arn't out there or that you have to be formaly introduced. I don't mean to challenge what you say, because I understand that you have the best intentions at heart, but I don't believe it'll make much of a difference even if I try to do more of what you're telling me to do. (I WILL, mind you.) I will NEVER intentionally try to "befriend" someone with a relationship in mind. I've never actually done that, honestly. No formal introductions necessary, but recalling the majority of my past experiences, (I admit, I was socially awkward back then) I don't believe that it's easy. They've all come across as aloof / in their own worlds and I don't want to go out of my way for someone who likely doesn't give two ****s about me. I'm worth more than that, and if there's no clear mutual interest, I'm not going to go looking for it because there's a 99.8% chance I'll be taken for a joy ride. That's being generous. Oddly enough, I've been told *I* could be aloof and closed off.. If I'm THERE, they're either interested in me or not, stranger or not. They either try to get my attention, or go about their business as 99% of them do. Either way, I don't need you to f*ck a girl for me, because I'm not looking for that. It's easy to MEET girls or loiter in the company of strangers in passing.. That's about it. I guess I COULD just ask girls out, make the same awkward mistakes and simply keep repeating them because they drop out of my life with no hint as to why, if I ever even get that far. Thus the vicious cycle shall continue anew. Link to post Share on other sites
punkinless Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 i didn't read the thread but i so just 'creeped' a girl on facebook, hit her up, got her digits, and have been on a couple dates. and shes awsome. get out there and get creepin! Link to post Share on other sites
ScreamingTrees Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 i didn't read the thread but i so just 'creeped' a girl on facebook, hit her up, got her digits, and have been on a couple dates. and shes awsome. get out there and get creepin! You're probably better looking than I am. Or, maybe you just know what to say to keep things going long enough so that you're at that smooth sailing stage where you're more familiar with each other and the mutual interest is clear. Link to post Share on other sites
punkinless Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 only takes a few things,,, one common thing to talk about and not to be afraid of 'no' a little humor goes a long way... this is only one way but the obvious clubs and bars work too. i'm sure thats been recommended already but i'm lazyyyy Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts