imonyourside Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I just delivered a baby 2 1/2 weeks ago and I'm finding that I hate my fiance. I know this could all be a part of postpartum blues but I actually can't stand him. His idea of parenthood is not at all what mine is and he isn't the person I want to be with. He refuses to read any of the baby books with me so I'm always having to correct him on caring for the baby and there are times where I'm driven crazy by his irresponsible actions like blaring his music because he "likes music loud" despite the fact that there is a newborn in the home now. When I do correct him or tell him to turn down his music, he gets all pissy at me!! I just absolutely cannot believe it and not only do I want out of the relationship, I don't feel comfortable with him caring for our daughter without my supervision. I understand she needs a father and he has a right to be with her, but he's so overwhelmingly immature I don't know what to do! I'm wondering what I can do? I'm not in the best position right now to be leaving him and quite frankly I don't trust him, like I said. I'd have to possibly move back in with the parents (I'm 24, he is 26) which I don't even know is an option.... I've tried talking to him, asking him to read and educate himself about his daughter but he just responds by saying he will basically figure it out as he goes along... that before books people were taking care of children fine. UGH! Am I overreacting or is his character out of control? I need advice! Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 You're over reacting and probably being hyper critical. The child's bond with her Father is likely vastly more important than anything you're complaining about, but if you keep nagging, he's going to distance himself from that child to keep the peace. And YOU have officially cheated your daughter out of a Daddy. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I really think you might be having post-partum issues. How long have you known this man? How did you feel about him prior to the delivery of your child? How has your relationship been? Please tread carefully; as Janesaid, you must not damage his bond with his daughter. Also, you might not feel the same way you do right now in a few more weeks. A baby changes the dynamic in a couple a lot. And your hormones might not be your friends right now. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I'm wondering what I can do? (1) he is young; (2) he is jealous; (3) he hasn't gotten used to the new situation. Everything is going to be fine. Men get attached to their children when they take care of them - which is when they are left alone with them. Time and time again, this theory has proven right - even when the children are not their own! leave him alone with the baby when she gets a little older (in a few weeks). Go shopping and come back after a couple hours. Do not leave ANY instructions for him to follow. But make it easy for him to spend time with her. Don't criticize him. When he does things wrong, just smile or laugh and then gently teach him - he will be grateful to you. Tell him to feed the baby or take her out for a walk while you're doing something else.Gradually, introduce him to his parental role. No he is NOT going to read baby books with you, are you crazy? What man has ever read baby books? Give him a chance to be a daddy. Trust me, unless he's a complete monster, he is capable of it. Show him, as your username suggests, that you're on his side. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I'm not being critical of your reading baby books, as it sounds like you are just trying to be the best mom that you can be...but remember- for every baby book there is a different opinion on pretty much any subject, and there is an awful lot you'll learn that won't come from any book. I have three kids myself, and , in my experience, dads bond differently with their children than moms do. it may take a little while, but you very well find our husband will become very protective of his little girl and you'll find yourself wondering why you ever thought there was a problem. If , after some time passes, you still feel this way, talk to your husband about it. Also, talking to your doctor about it at your next check up may help as well...your doctor likely has heard it all before and may have some excellent advice for you that will alleviate your concerns... you're a new mom, and worrying comes with the territory ( you think it's bad now...just wait until she's a teenager )- worrying is normal, just don't let it get out of hand Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I would have suggested discussing how to raise a child while pregnant. But either way you need to sit down with him and ask him his opinion on things. Make him feel like his opinion counts and that you value him in this. Then explain to him your thoughts and reasons in a comforting tone. The minute you start to get frustrated is exactly when the conversation will turn into a brawl. When you "correct" him, do you do it in a comforting way? Such as "bring (baby name) over here, it looks like her head has slipped down a bit." then follow it up with a nice calm explaination "it's important to make sure that he/she has enough neck support because newborns do not have the neck muscles needed to support their head." maybe even end with a silly joke "our little bundle of joy is just a little cutie bobblehead". Remember, all you can control is your actions. If you want things to get better you can only do your best to help come to a good understanding. Just be calm, patient, and understanding. You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Short of like letting the baby choke or hurt itself, or leaving it alone in the car not much he can do wrong. This emphasis on baby books seems a little crazy to me. Spending time with your parents and having parents who show care for you is the number one thing. You fighting and pushing him away and not wanting him around the baby is going to do far more damage then feeding it the wrong baby food or playing with it in a way the book said not too... You're going to cause more problems then him not reading a baby book. It shouldn't be such a big deal to you either. Even if he read the book you'd find some other way to criticize. You need to take a step back and realize what you're doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Afishwithabike Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 (edited) I just delivered a baby 2 1/2 weeks ago and I'm finding that I hate my fiance. I know this could all be a part of postpartum blues but I actually can't stand him. His idea of parenthood is not at all what mine is and he isn't the person I want to be with. He refuses to read any of the baby books with me so I'm always having to correct him on caring for the baby and there are times where I'm driven crazy by his irresponsible actions like blaring his music because he "likes music loud" despite the fact that there is a newborn in the home now. When I do correct him or tell him to turn down his music, he gets all pissy at me!! I just absolutely cannot believe it and not only do I want out of the relationship, I don't feel comfortable with him caring for our daughter without my supervision. I understand she needs a father and he has a right to be with her, but he's so overwhelmingly immature I don't know what to do! I'm wondering what I can do? I'm not in the best position right now to be leaving him and quite frankly I don't trust him, like I said. I'd have to possibly move back in with the parents (I'm 24, he is 26) which I don't even know is an option.... I've tried talking to him, asking him to read and educate himself about his daughter but he just responds by saying he will basically figure it out as he goes along... that before books people were taking care of children fine. UGH! Am I overreacting or is his character out of control? I need advice! First, you might have post-partum blues. Talk to your doctor about it. Your hormones are all over the place post-baby. You will react strongly to things, feel sad for no reason.... My husband didn't read any baby books. I had a lot of baby books too. At the hospital the nurses showed us how to bathe the baby, feed, burp and all that. He paid attention to that and practiced under their watchful eyes. Is there a baby or new parent class you two could take together? That might help. But men have been taking care of babies long before there were classes, books, online webinars and the like. I don't know if you or he knows this but please don't ever shake an infant to get him or her to stop crying. Some men don't realize death or permanent brain damage can result to a baby's brain from even 2-3 second of hard shaking. You'll definitely need to tell him this because if he's immature or inexperienced as you say he is, he probably doesn't know. Men who aren't used to the high pitched long crying episodes infants have sometimes shake the baby in anger in an effort to get them to stop crying. Let's face it, you're both sleep deprived, angry the child is crying and without thinking shake the baby to stop the crying. Approximately 60% to 90% of the babies who were brain damaged from shaken were shaken by a male. Edited February 1, 2012 by Afishwithabike typos..clarity Link to post Share on other sites
Author imonyourside Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 I appreciate all the comments and advice. I didn't mean a full baby book, I meant moreover the basics of taking care of a baby - like that they need to lay on their back to sleep, no shaking, stuff that people may not know that are extremely important to know.. I don't care if he knows what milia is or something stupid like that. There are things I didn't mention that perhaps I should have. He sees no problem in doing drugs and bringing them into the home, I have seen him texting and driving causing him to almost hit other cars on the road with her in the car, and there was one time when she was screaming hungry in the car and I suggested pulling over so I could feed her and he got an attitude about it because HE was hungry and wanted to get home to eat. I mean these are all just examples of how he is irresponsible and immature! I DO need to relax a little, I know this, I'm totally obsessed with my baby and I want only what is best for her. I'm not saying if I wasn't with him that she wouldn't have a father, I would never do that. I'm just wondering more if the things I mentioned would warrant my feelings or if it's all post partum stuff. I think I should have mentioned this other stuff before, I was just trying to summarize and I summarized the wrong things. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 There are things I didn't mention that perhaps I should have. He sees no problem in doing drugs and bringing them into the home, I have seen him texting and driving causing him to almost hit other cars on the road with her in the car, and there was one time when she was screaming hungry in the car and I suggested pulling over so I could feed her and he got an attitude about it because HE was hungry and wanted to get home to eat. I mean these are all just examples of how he is irresponsible and immature! Those examples do make him look like a poor candidate for a dad & husband. But, he must have been like this the whole time you've known him. Why is he your fiance and the father of your daughter? Were there good things about him that you were more in touch with? Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 What drugs does he take? Ok, you have had a baby and need a certain level of security right now, the child needs even more security. I would suggest that your partner join a parenting class with you and get help for the drug usage.. *Prediction* This is going to end up with you having to decide between him or the child. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 (edited) He sees no problem in doing drugs and bringing them into the home, Did he just start doing drugs 2 and a half weeks ago when the baby was born? I think not. My guess is you got pregnant by a druggie and you're mad at him for being what he is. You picked him. Be mad at yourself. I'm sorry, but I think the single most important decision a woman can make for her child is who is going to be his/her Father. And if this man is doing anything in the hardcore drugs department, it really sounds like you dropped the ball here. Edited February 2, 2012 by Janesays Link to post Share on other sites
Author imonyourside Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 Yes, he was doing drugs prior to baby and pregnancy. the baby wasn't planned so short of getting an abortion there wasn't much I could do. He proposed while I was prego and during my pregnancy I thought we had come to an understanding that he wasn't going to do what he had been doing. However, now he has seemed to gone back on a few things he said. Yes, I picked him... in my carefree single life he was fun and we had a great time. I thought when I got pregnant and he knew I was keeping the baby that things were going to change a bit. I used to be pretty wild and out drinking but I've completely changed.. I guess I thought his paternal instrinct would set in and he'd change too but I was wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
mitchell Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Are you sure this guy's the father of your child? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 Yes, he was doing drugs prior to baby and pregnancy. the baby wasn't planned so short of getting an abortion there wasn't much I could do. He proposed while I was prego and during my pregnancy I thought we had come to an understanding that he wasn't going to do what he had been doing. However, now he has seemed to gone back on a few things he said. Yes, I picked him... in my carefree single life he was fun and we had a great time. I thought when I got pregnant and he knew I was keeping the baby that things were going to change a bit. I used to be pretty wild and out drinking but I've completely changed.. I guess I thought his paternal instrinct would set in and he'd change too but I was wrong. Ah, this is the problem. You thought he would change or that you/your new baby could change him. Unfortunatly people can only change if they WANT to, he's not going to do it for you (or for your daugther). Do you think he is still doing drugs? What drugs was he doing? I think you need to have a serious talk with him and come up with some compromises. See if you can meet somewhere in the middle. You both need to talk about how you can work TOGETHER to care for your daughter. If he's not open to the discussion then obviously he isn't willing to work take fatherhood or your relationship very seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Negative Nancy Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 (edited) Did he just start doing drugs 2 and a half weeks ago when the baby was born? I think not. My guess is you got pregnant by a druggie and you're mad at him for being what he is. You picked him. Be mad at yourself. I'm sorry, but I think the single most important decision a woman can make for her child is who is going to be his/her Father. And if this man is doing anything in the hardcore drugs department, it really sounds like you dropped the ball here. I agree with this, You made a poor choice by picking him as a partner and on top of that getting pregnant by him (how did THAT happen anyway? I'm absolutely convinced that there is no such thing as getting pregnant "accidentally" if you use contraception methods correctly). I would give the loser an ultimatum and tell him to grow up or to get lost. An irresponsible, immature pothead as a father is the last thing your daughter needs. silly joke "our little bundle of joy is just a little cutie bobblehead". Silly, indeed..... Edited February 7, 2012 by Negative Nancy Link to post Share on other sites
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