Loneliness...apathy

[nevadagirl]

I find myself struggling to make new friends post break up. I have met people but I don't have a strong circle of friends. And to be honest since being single I've accumulated a lot of pretty terrible stories (funny, but terrible).

 

I know I'm struggling with a lack of self confidence. I am really trying not to feel completely empty. It's weird because at this point I realize it has very little to do with him. I have always been this way. I make myself interested in my SO's interests. Then when my SO is gone...there is nothing there anymore.

 

So I took some fun classes in some subjects I was always interested in. (The interest is not terribly strong though, which makes me sad)

 

I tell myself I'm just playing for awhile.

 

But when I come home I am lonely. And on the weekends I am lonely. Sometimes I see events on Facebook I think I'd like to attend but those are also the events the ex would more than likely be at and I'm not ready for that kind of run-in, especially if I know I can avoid it.

 

I finally smartened up and have managed to avoid any stupid tidbits about the ex's life and I am feeling better. But when I did make these mistakes he had his whole Facebook public and I could see how great his life seemed to be. He never had any friends during the two years we were together but now he's gotten in contact with all of these people from high school he had every excuse in the world not to bother with before. He parties. He's in school. He moved out of his parent's house. All the pretty girls he meets after me will be introduced to a normal guy with a normal social circle - something denied me throughout our whole relationship.

 

I feel bitter about this. And jealous. Because though I always had "friends" I don't have anyone super close. I don't have a back pocket full of high school pals I can call up and hit the clubs with. I have friends scattered here and there that I don't see so much and lately I feel isolated from them.

 

I'm starting to think something is wrong with me. The thing is...when I AM able to get to know people I think I'm funny and smart and a great friend. But it's really hard for me to just meet people and have super interesting conversations about Whatever. How do you deal with this?

 

PS - On a different note is anyone else dreading Facebook's Timeline? The last thing I need is my whole Facebook history being a click away. I don't want to go digging through any old posts between us and I don't want other people to see them either. **** you Zuckerberg. *******.

[CopingGal]

At first I thought the timeline was silly. But then I tried it and I really like it. I like putting important events on the time line, such as college, my birth, and much more. Can't you delete old posts between you and him? Or, just start over. Delete your facebook page. I think it takes 14 days to delete and start a brand new one. Make sure you block him so you are not tempted to go to his page and he can't go to yours.

 

Volunteering at a worthwhile place may help to take care of your loneliness. It has helped me a tremendous amount.

[Philosoraptor]

I agree with taking the time to volunteer. It not only provides a distraction, but you get to see how much of a difference you can make in the world.

 

When a breakup happens everyone heals (or doesn't heal) in their own way. He may be avoiding his feelings by partying.. he may be distracting himself when he gets too down... he may just be trying something new and finding that he is enjoying it. There is no need to feel jealous. Hopefully he is healing well and you can be happy for that.

[geegirl]

I became an extension of my ex. My life revolved around him. I attached myself to his accomplishments, his hobbies, his behaviors and forgot my own identity. When he left, I was empty. I didn't know what to do with myself.

 

Making friends was disastrous so I decided to find other ways to fill the void that was left in me after we broke up. I started volunteering at a hospice/nursing home. It gives me joy to spend time with those that are often neglected. You will be amazed at how much of a contribution you will be making by just spending a few minutes with someone in an unfortunate situation. It provides much perspective in life.

 

You have to start creating your own identity. Don't throw yourself into things/classes just because you are coming out of a break up and you need to fill a gap.

 

It's an ongoing process. It's for life. It's not about play. You have to be committed to building your self-esteem and reinventing a new you, consistently. You can't keep attaching to men and being extensions of them. You will continue to do that if you're empty. Another person's life will always be more appealing to you when you don't have a life of your own.

 

This Facebook issue is YOU continuing to attach yourself to him. The focus now is on you. Remove him. He is making opportunities for himself, and you should to.

 

I know it is hard to make friends. I've been/am there. I've tried www.meetup.com (check it out in your area). I've been involved in their group activities and while I haven't made life long friends, I've been able to get out there and immerse myself in activities I love to do and engage with good people. It fills my time and it helps me with my issues of self-esteem and shyness.

 

I have at least 5 solid friends in my life and that's enough for me. If I happen to stumble upon a kindred soul, then great. At this point in my life, I am my own best friend. Try the site and see if anything sparks your interest.

[stitch702]

Nevadagirl: What are a list of hobbies that interest you? Do you like going to the gym? Do you read a lot? Play music? etc. You say that you like to absorb your exes interests. That statement in itself shows that you are not really being yourself in a relationship. Perhaps now is the time to actually find the things that make you happy.

 

Also are you in the Vegas area? If so there are a ton of things to do over the weekends. Go to the movies at townsquare. They have this place called beauty bar in the downtown area which I frequent a lot with my buddies because they have some bands that play really good indie style music. Join a gym especially LVAC, there are a ton of people there. I know meetup.com sometimes has hiking trips during the early summer months and those are usually pretty fun. Go for a hike at redrock or valley of fire. There are a ton of things to do, just put yourself out there.

[CopingGal]

Tonight I feel lonely too. Weekends are the hardest. I feel lonely and empty inside. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm very sad.

[stitch702]

Tonight I feel lonely too. Weekends are the hardest. I feel lonely and empty inside. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm very sad.

 

Hey CopingGal,

 

Hey you seem to be having a really tough time tonight after reading some of your posts. Listen things will get better, they always do, some people just take a little time to get there. You need to realize how much you are worth. Just because ONE man didn't realize your value doesn't mean another man won't either. Just have faith that there will be better days ahead of us and by enduring and overcoming the pain you are feeling now will make you stronger and a much better person. Until then keep soldiering a long because you will get there. By the way if you can find it on itunes or whatever, there is a song called, "Coming up Roses" by Owsley. It's a beautiful song and perhaps if you listen to it whenever you are feeling down it may raise your spirits a bit. Anyways, I will keep you in my prayers copinggal...

[CopingGal]

Hey CopingGal,

 

Hey you seem to be having a really tough time tonight after reading some of your posts. Listen things will get better, they always do, some people just take a little time to get there. You need to realize how much you are worth. Just because ONE man didn't realize your value doesn't mean another man won't either. Just have faith that there will be better days ahead of us and by enduring and overcoming the pain you are feeling now will make you stronger and a much better person. Until then keep soldiering a long because you will get there. By the way if you can find it on itunes or whatever, there is a song called, "Coming up Roses" by Owsley. It's a beautiful song and perhaps if you listen to it whenever you are feeling down it may raise your spirits a bit. Anyways, I will keep you in my prayers copinggal...

 

Thank you very much for all of your comments Stitch702. I really appreciate it. I do admit that I am curious about what you have been through. Would you care to share?

 

And NevadaGirl, I'm thinking of you. Let's both be strong. Let's all be strong, all of us.