"Best Friends/Bandmates" FEH!

[velvetvavoom]

Hi all...I have a weird situation that I'd love some feedback/suggestions for.

 

Last year I met a widower -- we were both in a production with the local community theater and we decided that we should play music together. We had a LOT of chemistry and started chatting on the phone almost every night and hanging out three nights a week for "band practice."

 

He has two boys - 8 & 10 - and I have become good friends with them as well. "Mike" had a great relationship with his wife and his whole world was rocked when she passed away. We were "just" friends for about four months, however we were very emotionally intimate and began to be non-sexually physically affectionate as well. At this point, I had a whopping huge crush on him, but was afraid to do/say anything about because I knew he was still grieving and didn't want to be inappropriate.

 

The hugging turned to backrubs turned to sex. The next day we both freaked out a little...he hadn't been with anyone except for one one-night stand in the year and a half since his wife had died. I freaked because I knew that I really cared for him and that the sex might have screwed everything up. OR not. We had a big talk that day where he said, "I don't know if we should go down this road." and I said, "I don't want anything from you that you can't give me." That was a year and a half ago.

 

A month after that, he said something to me about not wanting a serious relationship with me and not seeing a future with me. Pretty cut and dried right? I got my Grrrl power on and told him that I wasn't going to sleep with him anymore and that we should just focus on our band (which has been gigging moderately). That lasted about two weeks.

 

He put the moves on me, I caved (because I love him) and we've been sleeping together for the last year and a half. In fact, he invites me to family functions, I practically live with him, I am helping him raise his kids, redecorating his house, still playing music, he calls me three times a day at work, we've gone on three vacations together as a foursome, he surprises me with concert tickets and CDs: it all looks like I'm in a relationship with him.

 

What's weird? I can't seem to bring myself to talk to him about what's been happening...the last time we had a serious talk I ended up leaving him! ALSO...he is still referring to me as his "bandmate" to people who don't know me or us as this couple (anyone outside his family, pretty much). He even signed my birthday card, "From, the Band". He's not an open guy...he gets VERY uncomfortable if I bring up anything to do with "us".

 

I know enough to know that what he said last year might still apply...and that some guys will let things coast on forever if it's convenient for them. I know that he thinks his life is easier with me around. I wonder if he feels guilty because his marriage was SO great - they were close, they were faithful, and they literally did EVERYTHING together...they were going to school together to be massage therapists before she got sick.

 

HOW how HOW can I bring up the topic of "US" without him getting all silent on my a*s, or should I just let things unfold as they are unfolding since they seem to be going into the future on their own. He defined "a serious relationship" as family functions, blood tests, and papers. The fact that we've been hanging out with HIS family, his former wife's family, and now even MY family is a big deal, no?

 

ANY FEEDBACK is welcome...I'm not totaly in denial...I know half the reason I don't bring anything up is because I don't want any of this to end, and deep down I don't know if he is "IN LOVE" with me or just loves me...his kids call me "Daddy's best friend"...

[JustSoRight]

Wow I am confused too.

 

I say have that talk with him. Tell him you need to know what this is all about. You are investing personal feelings in this relationship and it would be fair if they aren't returned.

 

Also most men won't take their kids along if it wasn't serious, but then he hasn't been very open has he?

 

He needs to figure it out quick before his kids get too attached, let alone you. Sounds like he wants the mother, the wife, the friend, without any kind of real commitment.

 

Ever heard of Having your cake and eating it too? Sounds like that might be what is going on here. And if he can't return your feelings you are better off without him in a healthy relationship where your feelings can be returned.

[velvetvavoom]

I think it's too late to worry about attachment...I'm attached to all three of them, and the boys are attached to me, that's for sure.

 

I get zen about it sometimes, and let go of my need for a "definition" but it bothers me when I think that he DOESN'T see me as his girlfriend when I am acting like one in EVERY way...AND mothering his kids...!

 

If he were slightly MORE open about discussing his personal feelings, than I'd feel more comfortable broaching the topic. I am EXTREMELY communicative and have permanent teeth marks in my tongue!

 

I wish I knew how to talk to a non-communicator in THEIR language -- if it were totaly up to me, I'd put it all out there on the table. I just don't want to back him into a corner where out of the desperate need to end the personal conversation he'll just push me away and p*ss me off.

 

I keep thinking of my ex, who was VERY open, except 80% of what he said was bull. He had a whole other girlfriend behind my back...for YEARS.

 

I think half the reason why I was so attracted to Mike was because he was steady, quiet, not flashy and not a player...the opposite of my ex. But I miss the talking!!!!!!

 

Any strong silent guys know how I can have a conversation about what's going on between us without totaly alienating the man?