I think I'm falling back in love with my ex...

[Sarahhhh]

Hi, I'm new to this forum...pretty new to LS in general. After skimming through a few of the threads here, I noticed that most of the people posting are married, making these situations more complicated, so I hope no one thinks I'm intruding with my seemingly "petty" concerns.. but here goes.

 

Well, I'm not married. I'm in a committed relationship, but recently I have started talking to my ex again. It started out innocent, but I'm realizing I still have very strong feelings for him. My ex was my first love, and I love my current BF, but in a different way... I'm not very happy in the relationship I'm in now, but he is. I've contemplated leaving for a long time, but I just don't have the heart to... but since I've been talking to my ex its become more and more tempting.

 

I am just looking for advice, I'm lost here. If I leave my current BF, I could be happier, but I'd be utterly breaking his heart, but if I don't leave him, I'm risking being unhappy for the rest of my life.

 

...help?

[stillafool]

Welcome Sarahhh,

 

First of all you are posting in The Other Woman/Man section. Is you Ex a married man? If not, you will get more responses by posting in the dating or Infidelity section.

 

It is common to have a strong connection to your first love. If he isn't a married man and feels the same way about you, you owe it to your current bf to tell the truth and give you and your Ex a second chance. Why did you and your Ex break up?

[MissBee]

Hi, I'm new to this forum...pretty new to LS in general. After skimming through a few of the threads here, I noticed that most of the people posting are married, making these situations more complicated, so I hope no one thinks I'm intruding with my seemingly "petty" concerns.. but here goes.

 

Well, I'm not married. I'm in a committed relationship, but recently I have started talking to my ex again. It started out innocent, but I'm realizing I still have very strong feelings for him. My ex was my first love, and I love my current BF, but in a different way... I'm not very happy in the relationship I'm in now, but he is. I've contemplated leaving for a long time, but I just don't have the heart to... but since I've been talking to my ex its become more and more tempting.

 

I am just looking for advice, I'm lost here. If I leave my current BF, I could be happier, but I'd be utterly breaking his heart, but if I don't leave him, I'm risking being unhappy for the rest of my life.

 

...help?

 

 

Hi Sarahhh,

 

A broken heart heals eventually Especially, when one ends a relationship respectfully. If a breakup isn't mutual it's going to hurt and one or even both parties will go through the stages of grief. But when all is said and done and one heals, they will still respect you when they look back on things and it's easier to be friends, if you so desire.

 

However, if you cheated on him, you would have complicated the situation and guarantee this person despising you more than they need to. If you don't cheat but continue pretending, he will notice, and if after a few years you get fed up and it all comes out that for the last X years you wanted to leave...you will seem like a liar and it will crush him more.

 

Believe me...ALL of us want the truth, even if it hurts for a while. Put your self in his place, how would you want him to handle it? You're not doing him any favors neither yourself. I think you should take some time to write down WHY you're unhappy...and see if it is the relationship, you're incompatible etc. or is it YOU. Sometimes we are unhappy in ourselves, but when in a couple, we wrongfully blame this other person....and then find temporary happiness in a new person, then the cycle starts again. After assessing WHY you don't want the relationship, muster up the courage to tell your bf...he may be shocked, he will be hurt etc. But it will be out there. Have a plan....do you live together? Plan how you will break the news, answer his questions, be strong against his bargaining then create the distance to heal. I know it seems easier to just continue on and use your ex as an escape...but chances are it will end up being more of a mess than breaking it off.

[whichwayisup]

Many MM and MW post here too, not just in the infidelity section.

 

Sarahhh, you really need to think this out and ask yourself if your ex wasn't in your life again would you still be unhappy with your boyfriend and current relationship? Is your ex single?

 

Don't go cheating on your bf. Gain the strength to end things before pursuing someone else..And be okay being single if this ex thing doesn't work out.

[Dark Phoenix]

Sarah

 

How long has it been since the original break up with your ex

[Sarahhhh]

Hi, well, I apologize for not going more in depth about the situation, so hopefully this answers most of the questions. I dated my ex for two years. The reason for the breakup wasn't anything to do with the relationship, really. My mom passed away, I got scared. I came up with a lot of excuses for why I broke up with him but the truth is when my mom died, I felt totally betrayed by her.. like she left me unfairly. Its a selfish way to think, I know.. but I was really messed up. I thought that because my mom left me, my boyfriend might eventually leave me too so I just cut it off so I couldn't be hurt like that again.

 

When I started dating my current BF, I didn't expect it to be a real relationship, I thought it would be a fling, but I fell in love. We spent about 7 months completely happy (or so I thought) and even started talking about the possibility of marriage... (which I had never considered before, even with my ex) but then one day came along when he showed up at my work.. he was in a panic. He said his friend Kayla (who had been one of his good friends for years and I had no problem with) admitted to him that she was in love with him and she freaked out when she found out that we were talking about marriage and that I should beware that she was going to try to contact me and load my brain with bull$h!t, and that I should ignore her. Well, this Kayla got ahold of me as he predicted and had a different story also as he predicted. But her story did make a lot of sense. She said that they had been secretly together for 5 months (5 out of the 7 months we had been together!!!) they never had sex, because she was saving it for marriage, but they did come close. She said she spent several days a week with him, when he told me he was working at his grandfathers farm, he was really with her. They had plans to leave to California together. At first, I didn't believe her. My BF had never lied to me before I had no reason not to trust him... well I asked him about it and after A LOT of prying he admitted it. I was heartbroken but I didn't leave him. I was too happy with him, I loved him too much. I thought that the hurt would heal and eventually, with hard work and a lot of a$$ kissing I'd be able to trust him again. After awhile, I thought I did trust him again, but he ended up cheating on me again with several more women (however only one of them he actually had sex with) I started to just ignore it, I didn't want to leave because I was too comfortable. I thought I could ignore the hurt since it obviously wasn't changing...but It did. We have been together for over 2 1/2 years now, and he hasn't even whispered an inappropriate word to another woman in a year now... he thinks everything is good, that because he has turned a new leaf, left his childish cheating ways behind him that we can just forget about it and leave it in the past... but I can't. Its always in the back of my mind like a little disease, I should have left him when he cheated on me the first time... but I didn't, and now I feel stuck in this hole. I'm unhappy. I don't know if I can ever forgive him completely for cheating so many times, and I don't know if I will ever fully trust him again. Either way, I don't really have much motivation to try. I'm still in this relationship because I'm comfortable, he put a roof over my head while ive been out of work, he helps me with bills, etc.. and I know he loves me with all of his heart.

 

Well, now that my ex has re entered my life all I can think about is what life would be like if we would have made it. He never cheated on me, he treated me like a queen, I just wasn't ready for marriage yet. I was too young. He has told me that he feels the same way as I do. He still loves me and I still love him, but its dangerous to feel this way because I have my BF and he has his GF, (but his GF and him have a very very similar past as my BF and I do... his GF has cheated on him many times, shes pregnant now and almost positive the baby is not his) so we are both stuck in the same boat and we both still love each other..

 

I'm not sure if the temptation to cheat is only because I don't want to break my current BF's heart.. I think that a part of it may be that I want some sort of revenge, give him a taste of what he has done to me. I know thats terrible but these feelings wont go away, I can't push them out of my head...

[whichwayisup]

First things first, go talk to someone, a therpist to help sort out what you're feeling and how to get strong enough to actually leave your current boyfriend. You're comfortable and he's familiar, it's safe .. Not a real reason to stick with someone who has cheated on you more than once, someone that you still can't trust even though you love him.. And, all that doesn't justify or give you the right to ponder cheating on him, being a cheater and hurting him (revenge affair).. End things with your boyfriend and be OK with that, then see what happens once you've been alone for a while.

 

You and your ex are the past. He has a child with someone else (you only know what HE is telling you, ie his gf/wife cheating on him, not sure if the kid is his or not..he's still there, just like you are with your bf - And chances are high he isn't going to walk out on his family, even if he does like you again and the flame is still being felt. Did you tell him about your bf cheating first, or did he mention stuff about his gf first?

 

Don't put yourself in that situation where he has to choose between you and his family..

[Sarahhhh]

First things first, go talk to someone, a therpist to help sort out what you're feeling and how to get strong enough to actually leave your current boyfriend. You're comfortable and he's familiar, it's safe .. Not a real reason to stick with someone who has cheated on you more than once, someone that you still can't trust even though you love him.. And, all that doesn't justify or give you the right to ponder cheating on him, being a cheater and hurting him (revenge affair).. End things with your boyfriend and be OK with that, then see what happens once you've been alone for a while.

 

You and your ex are the past. He has a child with someone else (you only know what HE is telling you, ie his gf/wife cheating on him, not sure if the kid is his or not..he's still there, just like you are with your bf - And chances are high he isn't going to walk out on his family, even if he does like you again and the flame is still being felt. Did you tell him about your bf cheating first, or did he mention stuff about his gf first?

 

Don't put yourself in that situation where he has to choose between you and his family..

 

 

I have talked to therapists.. they haven't seemed to help me gain the strength to walk out. If I could I would, I'm just not brave enough. I have no where to go, I'd be completely alone and I don't think I can face that. My ex being in my life has made this all the more unbearable, he is making me realize that I want to leave but the more I want to, the more I can't.

 

I would never, ever make my ex choose between his family or me. He has told me he still loves me and I told him I return those feelings, we talk about our problems, and vent to each other, but thats as far as it has gone. I'm sure if I wanted it to go further, I could make that happen, but I won't do that until I feel comfortable. And I won't do that while he is still with his GF, only if they break up would I consider doing anything physical or even consider seeing him in person..

[whichwayisup]

I have talked to therapists.. they haven't seemed to help me gain the strength to walk out. If I could I would, I'm just not brave enough. I have no where to go, I'd be completely alone and I don't think I can face that. My ex being in my life has made this all the more unbearable, he is making me realize that I want to leave but the more I want to, the more I can't.

 

I would never, ever make my ex choose between his family or me. He has told me he still loves me and I told him I return those feelings, we talk about our problems, and vent to each other, but thats as far as it has gone. I'm sure if I wanted it to go further, I could make that happen, but I won't do that until I feel comfortable. And I won't do that while he is still with his GF, only if they break up would I consider doing anything physical or even consider seeing him in person..

 

Then whatever you do, don't get together with him and see him. If you do, it's only a matter of time before there's a hug, a kiss, a cuddle. Without knowing it, you'll be so attached and into him. Without asking him, you are putting him and yourself in a situation where he will have to make a choice.

 

Don't give up on therapy - Maybe you haven't found the right person.. But, with that said I don't think you want to end it (for the reasons above) and that's why you haven't left. People can leave, when they've had enough.. Don't be afraid of being alone or feeling lonely. You must have friends, and family? Maybe not close by, but you aren't 'alone'.. Staying with him because you're afraid to be alone isn't healthy and it'll kill you inside as time goes on, that's settling.