Sarahhhh Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Hi, I'm new to this forum...pretty new to LS in general. So cut me some slack, LOL. Well, I'm not married. I'm in a committed relationship, but recently I have started talking to my ex again. It started out innocent, but I'm realizing I still have very strong feelings for him. My ex was my first love, and I love my current BF, but in a different way... I'm not very happy in the relationship I'm in now, but he is. I've contemplated leaving for a long time, but I just don't have the heart to... but since I've been talking to my ex its become more and more tempting. And also more and more tempting to cheat.. I am just looking for advice, I'm lost here. If I leave my current BF, I could be happier, but I'd be utterly breaking his heart, but if I don't leave him, I'm risking being unhappy for the rest of my life. ...help? Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 You should leave either way. But I think you already knew this. Link to post Share on other sites
skelterhelter Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I agree with Professor X-- just leave the relationship. Is it fair to your current boyfriend that you're harboring these feelings for your ex and want to bail? You obviously have a history with this person, so it's just playing with fire at this point. And if you're really unhappy with this person, it'd be better for you to leave the relationship and let the guy find someone who's into him. I think it'd be fair to you too since you're so unhappy. Whatever you do, don't string them both along. It's not fair to anyone involved. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sarahhhh Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 Hi, I apologize for not going more in depth about the situation. I dated my ex for two years. The reason for the breakup wasn't anything to do with the relationship, really. My mom passed away, I got scared. I came up with a lot of excuses for why I broke up with him but the truth is when my mom died, I felt totally betrayed by her.. like she left me unfairly. Its a selfish way to think, I know.. but I was really messed up. I thought that because my mom left me, my boyfriend might eventually leave me too so I just cut it off so I couldn't be hurt like that again. When I started dating my current BF, I didn't expect it to be a real relationship, I thought it would be a fling, but I fell in love. We spent about 7 months completely happy (or so I thought) and even started talking about the possibility of marriage... (which I had never considered before, even with my ex) but then one day came along when he showed up at my work.. he was in a panic. He said his friend Kayla (who had been one of his good friends for years and I had no problem with) admitted to him that she was in love with him and she freaked out when she found out that we were talking about marriage and that I should beware that she was going to try to contact me and load my brain with bull$h!t, and that I should ignore her. Well, this Kayla got ahold of me as he predicted and had a different story also as he predicted. But her story did make a lot of sense. She said that they had been secretly together for 5 months (5 out of the 7 months we had been together!!!) they never had sex, because she was saving it for marriage, but they did come close. She said she spent several days a week with him, when he told me he was working at his grandfathers farm, he was really with her. They had plans to leave to California together. At first, I didn't believe her. My BF had never lied to me before I had no reason not to trust him... well I asked him about it and after A LOT of prying he admitted it. I was heartbroken but I didn't leave him. I was too happy with him, I loved him too much. I thought that the hurt would heal and eventually, with hard work and a lot of a$$ kissing I'd be able to trust him again. After awhile, I thought I did trust him again, but he ended up cheating on me again with several more women (however only one of them he actually had sex with) I started to just ignore it, I didn't want to leave because I was too comfortable. I thought I could ignore the hurt since it obviously wasn't changing...but It did. We have been together for over 2 1/2 years now, and he hasn't even whispered an inappropriate word to another woman in a year now... he thinks everything is good, that because he has turned a new leaf, left his childish cheating ways behind him that we can just forget about it and leave it in the past... but I can't. Its always in the back of my mind like a little disease, I should have left him when he cheated on me the first time... but I didn't, and now I feel stuck in this hole. I'm unhappy. I don't know if I can ever forgive him completely for cheating so many times, and I don't know if I will ever fully trust him again. Either way, I don't really have much motivation to try. I'm still in this relationship because I'm comfortable, he put a roof over my head while ive been out of work, he helps me with bills, etc.. and I know he loves me with all of his heart. Well, now that my ex has re entered my life all I can think about is what life would be like if we would have made it. He never cheated on me, he treated me like a queen, I just wasn't ready for marriage yet. I was too young. He has told me that he feels the same way as I do. He still loves me and I still love him, but its dangerous to feel this way because I have my BF and he has his GF, (but his GF and him have a very very similar past as my BF and I do... his GF has cheated on him many times, shes pregnant now and almost positive the baby is not his) so we are both stuck in the same boat and we both still love each other.. I'm not sure if the temptation to cheat is only because I don't want to break my current BF's heart.. I think that a part of it may be that I want some sort of revenge, give him a taste of what he has done to me. I know thats terrible but these feelings wont go away, I can't push them out of my head... Link to post Share on other sites
skelterhelter Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 This definitely changes everything and has moved me to comment again. I can see how you would want to have a "revenge affair". Honestly, I would have the same feelings too. I'd want to spite them and hurt them as bad as they hurt me. Knowing this new info about your current bf, I still say you should leave him. Whether or not you have the affair, the trust and respect has still been broken and you are still unhappy. Who's to say he won't cheat again down the road? I dunno, maybe I'm just cynical...but if someone has the audacity to lie, manipulate and cheat on their loved one, that doesn't speak much to their character and I wouldn't be so trusting as to believe they have magically changed. Seemingly apologetic or not, the impulse to cheat is ingrained deeply inside of them if they can do it over and over again. However, I caution against you going back to your ex at this time. He has a pregnant girlfriend at the moment. Would you wanna be that "other woman" who breaks them up? If they so happen to split on their own, then go for it! Anyway, you need to do some soul searching and find out whether this current bf is worth the pain and regret. Link to post Share on other sites
Sazerac Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Whatever your decision is, make sure you're off with the old love 'ere your on with the new. It's only fair to both. If you do decide to stay with your current bf, then cut off all ties with your ex and concentrate on making your relationship with your bf better and stronger. Given your additional information about your bf, and the fact that you aren't happy with him, I would break up with him if I were you, if for no other reason than you're unhappy and both you and he need to find others with whom you both can be happy. Best of luck, whatever path you take. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sarahhhh Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 Thank you guys! But if I could just leave, I would...but I can't. I'm not strong enough. I've talked to therapists, but I just don't have the strength to just walk out.. I can't face having no where to go, with no one to help me...especially since I'm out of work from a broken ankle. Not to mention just being alone... And I would never make my ex choose between me and his family, I would only do anything physical or see him in person if him and his GF were broken up...from what I understand they are a thread away from splitting. Where am I supposed to gain this bravery, and strength to walk out? And how deep are the cheating roots anyways? My BF never had a reason to cheat, I was very good to him. Where does it come from? His parents are still married, very happily, they both have been entirely faithful their entire marriage...I just don't understand.. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
flyaway Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Honestly, your current bf sounds like a piece of trash. He's really full of it. You'll never be able to fully trust him. I wouldn't bother with him. Just bail now and either stay single or go back to your ex and be COMMITTED to him. Link to post Share on other sites
pastdue Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 You need to give yourself some options. Right now you are stuck because you have no other place to go and are not working. Your BF is also your shelter and meal ticket. If you had $$$ in the bank and your own place, would you stay or leave? Like you, I was a virgin and wanted to marry a virgin, but the girl I started dating was "talked into" having sex with her boyfriend who said he loved her. After they had sex 3 times he dumped her and told everyone that she was "easy" and people I knew told me to: "be careful with this one" because she is a whore. Well, 20 years later, and after neg. thoughts, images ect. I have finally gotten over it. But, it has taken a lot of work. Will you be able to 100% never think about his transgression, or, like you say, will it continue to eat at you like a disease. Mine ate at me for years even though there were many distractions like mortgages, babies, jobs ext. I hid my inner feelings for years and It was killing me inside. If this has been more than two years for you now, I would seriously consider moving on. Things things don't go away without a lot of hard work and openness with yourself and BF. Although you and me have different circumstances, there are similarities. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Whatever you do... dump your current BF. That guy acts like a dirtbag, and you shouldn't care about hurting his feelings. I'm kind of shocked that you would put up with all his cheating. Why? Link to post Share on other sites
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