Newlywed miss/bliss?

[JazzyFox]

We are newly wed (4 months) and generally very happy. We spend lots of time together, often just cuddling or hanging out.

 

My issue is with myself. I am often critical of little unimportant things (ie. he shaves his beard, and leaves the hairs all over the sink; he "partially" does the dishes, leaving the dirty pots and pans behind; he piles his clean laundry on the bed and won't put it away or fold it, instead just moving the pile from chair to chair until all the clean clothes are used) and these "little things" build up and fester inside.

 

He does so many great things for me (ie. wakes up early to clear the snow from the stairs before I leave; fixes my car when it needs something minor done; does the dishes, laundry, without me asking; changes the sheets on the bed) that I feel ungrateful to complain. I don't want to complain.

 

I've been trying out a new process lately and it seems to work. If Im feeling frustrated or unappreciated, I just try to ignore it and focus on all the great things that we have together. I tell myself that I will wait until after we next have sex. Thinking that perhaps some of my frustration is pent-up sexual energy.

 

And lo and behold, after every time we have sex, I am no longer frustrated, or angry or upset. In fact, all I feel for him is love and adoration.

 

I guess if we had sex several times a day, then this wouldn't be a problem. But with our jobs and schedules, we are in a 3x a week schedule. Which means that 4 days out of the week, I am not "quite right".

 

So, here are my questions for the forum:

- How best can I manage the little frustrations that come from blending two lives together? How much should I forget about, and how much should I tackle?

- How can I have the conversation of "I need sex more often" without affecting his ego? (ps unfortunately solo-sex does not accomplish the desired effect) How do I counter the arguments of "Im too tired", "Were too busy", " We dont have time"?

- Should I just lay everything down on the table and explain to him what I am feeling?

 

Thanks for your help, wisdom and advice,

Jazzyfox

[Madam Linwe]

Some of those things should be let go of course. In the grand scheme of things, nit picking will not make him feel loved. I learned A little trick I learned is to remember he different goals then I do, he also may be a bit to tired to realize he's leaving whiskers in the sink. As for the sex, have you tried setting the stage, or whispering "I want you" or something else sexy? Always some way of telling your spouse you want more sex without making them feel like they aren't doing it right. If that doesn't work though, just tell him you want to talk, and stick to I feel statements. "I feel like I could use more sex with you..it makes me (fill in the nlanket$) when we don't get to do it."

 

Hope I helped a little.

[JazzyFox]

This morning started well. But then I mentioned the pile of clean clothes he still has not put away, he said that it shouldnt matter because they had been there all week and soon they would all be in the laundry again, and I said it did matter because I was working from home today and I would have to stare at it, and get frustrated, all day. He sighed, pushed the pile under his desk, and left without kissing me goodbye.

 

Argh!!!

 

He obviously has different standards, and he doesn't see why this is an issue. It's not for lack of time ... he spent hours on the couch yesterday playing with his tablet.

 

I think we need to have a talk about this. Deep breaths.

[standtall]

Jazzy,

 

Your dude is a lucky man..you must be a dream wife if all he has to do to make you happy and to forget about all the woes in your relationship is by giving you the pickle more often. Show him this thread after after a few more comments..that should open his eyes.

 

BTW, read the "The five love languages" to get a handle on the nagging and chore issues. You have to find out what his language is to get him to be a better husband.

[zengirl]

Re: sex

 

Have you ever tried just starting something? I don't think you can logically argue your way to more sex because that doesn't sound. . . . sexy. But if it were me and I wanted more sex, I'd just start getting sexy. Whenever I start something, hubby usually follows my lead.

 

Re: chores and stuff

 

Keeping it in isn't terribly helpful in the long run, but it's also not helpful to make a big thing of it. Why not calmly and clearly speak your peace but also accept you'll have to compromise a bit? I mean, you married him as he was; I assume he didn't just 'become' messy. He always was like this, and you cannot expect him to miraculously change now. However, he could put in a little more effort, sure.

[JazzyFox]

I think sometimes that my husband has esp. For sure, he is peculiarly intuitive.

 

I got a surprise of passion last night and we have been particularly rambunctious today. In between sessions, I used my blissful state to gently tell him how wonderful he makes me feel and how I sometimes struggle with the common frustrations of living together. We laughed and moved on to topics we have been ignoring for a bit.

 

All that was needed to be said, was said. With love, understanding and compassion.

 

I love my husband.

 

Thank you all for your kind words and gentle wisdom.

[Lauriebell82]

I don't think it's very effective problem solving to try to have sex in order to work out your issues with your marriage. It's just a temporary fix.

 

I have realized that constantly arguing about chore related issues can get VERY tiring, frustrating, and old very very quickly. A compromise is in order here.

 

What is he willing to do about the laundry and what are you willing to do? And ACCEPT.

 

Example: I have a very bad habit of procrastinating with my laundry and saving it all for the weekend. Then it takes forever to do. My work schedule is a little weird, I work second shift mostly. So spending 2 hours before work or after work doing laundry generally isn't an option. What I usually do is put my laundry in the washer before I go to work. My husband comes home on his lunch hour and puts it in the dryer for me with the "wrinkle free" setting. Then when I get home from work I fold it and put it away. Done.

 

Would he rather me do it all at one time? Of course. Would I rather wait until the weekend? Yes. But this is something that we can BOTH accept and live with. And there is no fighting.

[Lauriebell82]

I think sometimes that my husband has esp. For sure, he is peculiarly intuitive.

 

I got a surprise of passion last night and we have been particularly rambunctious today. In between sessions, I used my blissful state to gently tell him how wonderful he makes me feel and how I sometimes struggle with the common frustrations of living together. We laughed and moved on to topics we have been ignoring for a bit.

 

All that was needed to be said, was said. With love, understanding and compassion.

 

I love my husband.

 

Thank you all for your kind words and gentle wisdom.

 

It's wonderful that you worked things out, however what happens when your sex life decreases? You guys are newlyweds so things are passionate and everyone is happy. It won't be like that forever though, believe me. So how will you work out problems then? Start practicing healthy communication NOW and WITHOUT using sex as a cushion, otherwise you won't know what to do when sex isn't in the picture.

[make me believe]

It's wonderful that you worked things out, however what happens when your sex life decreases? You guys are newlyweds so things are passionate and everyone is happy. It won't be like that forever though, believe me. So how will you work out problems then? Start practicing healthy communication NOW and WITHOUT using sex as a cushion, otherwise you won't know what to do when sex isn't in the picture.

 

I agree with this 100%, and with your other post. The OP merely squelched the issues temporarily, but guarantee they WILL come up again since they haven't been properly dealt with.

 

Jazzy, you need to be honest with your husband about the stuff that really does matter....but you also need to let the little things go. It sounds like a lot of this stuff is just learning to live together. Did you guys live together before you got married? It sounds like you didn't. So some of this may just be growing pains of moving in together. But also, even if you didn't live together before you got married, surely you spent enough time at his place to see what his general living habits were like? My husband & I didn't move in until we were engaged, but I'd spent enough time with him to know that he was a neat freak and that our daily habits totally meshed together. Like zengirl said, your husband didn't just 'become' messy overnight did he?

[norajane]

Jazzy, you need to be honest with your husband about the stuff that really does matter....but you also need to let the little things go. It sounds like a lot of this stuff is just learning to live together.

 

I agree. It takes time to work out that you're both individuals, and you each have your preferences, and neither of you are entitled to having things done exactly your way all the time.

 

But I also think you should give this more thought. Sometimes nitpicking is a sign that you're upset about something else, a deeper issue, and are letting that out by nitpicking at him. Is there any underlying issue that's causing you anxiety?

[JazzyFox]

To answer some of your comments, yes, I knew he was messy before this began. And Im not a neatfreak either. While we are both messy in a slightly different way, I have to admit that we are both equally messy.

 

I might cry and moan about the whiskers in the bathroom sink, but I also leave my long hairs on the bathroom floor. I see it, but I dont do anything about it. What I find amusing is that I see (and am frustrated by) the mess he leaves, but I dont quite see the mess I leave. My mess is ok with me. His mess is not ok with me.

 

As you see, this is my issue. It has nothing to do with him. I just need to get perspective, and learn tolerance, and perhaps spend a bit more time cleaning up the place, without getting frustrated. We could of course get a maid, but she would spent 3/4 of her time just picking up after us.

 

Take this morning. I was ready to leave for work a little early and had 10 minutes on my hands. I went into the kitchen, cleaned up, emptied the dishwasher. When hubby came in the kitchen, I mentioned that the floor was dirty and he said he would clean it later when he came back from work.

 

Thats all I have to do, really. Just ask him, nicely. Its just that when I am frustrated, I really struggle on "asking him nicely". My requests come out sharper, and since I dont get the right response, it quickly escalates to nagging. So much of this comes down to "self-awareness". I thought I was self-aware. I guess I still have some work to do.

 

I think using the "post-sex" glow to ask him nicely, is actually quite clever. That "glow" lasts hours, and sometimes days, and it also helps me prioritize which "asks" are really important, and helps me improve the way in which I ask.

 

Its almost like this "glow" helps remind me of how much I love this man, and my communication style then reflects that love. Which helps him better understand what I am trying to say. Because I am not critical, impatient, or frustrated.

 

Back to some of your comments, I agree that "sex" cant be used as a mechanism for communication. It seems ridiculous, really. But it has helped me build a bridge to a new style of communication. One, in which, I am seeing for the first time how effective it is to speak with love and respect. And efficient.

 

Ive also come to realize how volatile "love & communication" can be. When things are going well, like a virtuous cycle, each happy episode leads to another happy episode and builds on each other. And the reverse is also true. I can only imagine how many cycles of love, virtuous and vicious, long-term married couples have gone through.

 

And as for NoraJane's last comments, you are absolutely on point. While my frustrations for the chores are accurate ... in fact, there is a much bigger background going on in my life (career changes, job insatisfaction, and other major life projects) that is affecting my mood. My anxiety is certainly affected, and is spilling out into my love life and physical well-being.

 

I would love to hear any more suggestions or comments on how to "ask him nicely" when you really dont feel like it.

[norajane]

Thats all I have to do, really. Just ask him, nicely.

You also have to thank him, nicely, when he does clean the floor after you've asked. Everyone likes to feel that their efforts are noticed and appreciated, so a thank you goes a long way. Plus, it makes him more likely to do it on his own, or do it again when you ask, since he knows that you will notice and will appreciate that he did it.

 

Guys like to be appreciated for what they do. So do women, but, IMO, men really thrive on being appreciated by their women. If I give my guy a hug and a kiss when he remembers to pick something up from the store on his way home, we're both happier, and he's more likely to remember to pick up stuff after work because he likes the hug and kiss.

 

But you have already seen that in action, since you say:

 

When things are going well, like a virtuous cycle, each happy episode leads to another happy episode and builds on each other. And the reverse is also true.

It also becomes easier to ASK nicely, when you know it will have a positive outcome for both of you.

 

And as for NoraJane's last comments, you are absolutely on point. While my frustrations for the chores are accurate ... in fact, there is a much bigger background going on in my life (career changes, job insatisfaction, and other major life projects) that is affecting my mood. My anxiety is certainly affected, and is spilling out into my love life and physical well-being.

 

Find another outlet to release some of that anxiety. Take up kick-boxing or some other physical exercise. And be honest with him - tell him that your current circumstances are making you anxious and you recognize that sometimes it causes you to act out with him by being sharp about chores. Apologize, tell him that you don't want to take things out on him, and if he notices you doing it to let you know so you can re-channel your anxiety away from picking at him. That kind of honesty will go a long way to helping you two learn how to be together for the long run.

Edited February 6, 2012 by norajane

[PinkInTheLimo]

My issue is with myself. I am often critical of little unimportant things (ie. he shaves his beard, and leaves the hairs all over the sink; he "partially" does the dishes, leaving the dirty pots and pans behind; he piles his clean laundry on the bed and won't put it away or fold it, instead just moving the pile from chair to chair until all the clean clothes are used) and these "little things" build up and fester inside.

 

Oh no, these are not unimportant issues. They are issues which make or break a marriage. They are the regular drop of water which creates the Grand Canyon after many years. They build up irritation which results in hate after 20 years of marriage. Why do you think so many women who are single after a long marriage, cringe at the idea of living together with a man again?

 

You've got to nip it in the bud. Loving someone is not sacrificing yourself. Tell your husband that you want him to clean up after himself. And do the same yourself. Show your love and care for each other in these small things. I think they matter more than big gestures of love.

[make me believe]

Oh no, these are not unimportant issues. They are issues which make or break a marriage. They are the regular drop of water which creates the Grand Canyon after many years. They build up irritation which results in hate after 20 years of marriage. Why do you think so many women who are single after a long marriage, cringe at the idea of living together with a man again?

 

I do think it's important to choose someone with whom you have compatible living/cleanliness/hygiene habits. When I was single I dated a guy who had such a messy house, even when he 'cleaned' it and was so proud to show me his hard work it still looked awful to me. I told him straight up that I couldn't see myself getting serious with him for that reason! Obviously it wasn't the only issue, but people thought I was crazy to even bring that up. But I knew that it would drive me crazy to be with someone like that and I would eventually turn into a nagging girlfriend/wife. Anyway, I met my husband shortly after and he's as big a neatfreak as I am so it worked out well.

 

BUT I think once you've chosen to marry somebody, you've chosen to marry them AS THEY ARE. So in that case, it's unfair for the OP to constantly nitpick her husband's cleaning habits and allow them to build resentment inside her because she knew exactly what she was getting into (and by her own admission, she's ok with her messes, but not his).

[PinkInTheLimo]

I do think it's important to choose someone with whom you have compatible living/cleanliness/hygiene habits.

 

I agree and it's something to which I pay attention. I am by no means a freak but I could not live with a total slob. Sometimes my house is a mess when work has been very busy and it always makes me really unhappy. So afterwards I spent a weekend tidying up and cleaning and I always feel happier after that.

[compassion42]

I haven't read everyone's responses but my advice to you is to just DO the things that are irritating you YOURSELF! It sounds like he's a pretty awesome guy and as you know, nobody is perfect. Why not pick up his slack in this department? Put away his clothes, wash down his whiskers etc.

Just my opinion:)

[Lauriebell82]

I haven't read everyone's responses but my advice to you is to just DO the things that are irritating you YOURSELF! It sounds like he's a pretty awesome guy and as you know, nobody is perfect. Why not pick up his slack in this department? Put away his clothes, wash down his whiskers etc.

Just my opinion:)

 

Eh, I would say the first statement is passive agressive and won't really solve anything.

 

It has been my experience that a little "give and take" never hurt anything. Sometimes I will put my husband's laundry away (his job) and he will put the dishes in the dishwasher and run it for me (my job). I think that if you are willing to be a LITTLE more helpful to him, it may motivate him to clean up more. I don't mean you have to do everything, but like the above poster said, put away some of his clothes occasionally and he may be more motivated to do it himself or even help YOU out with something.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Put away his clothes, wash down his whiskers etc.

 

He's an adult not a baby. Being awesome does not give one an excuse to be served like a pasha. I would feel a lot of resentment if I would have to clean up the dirt behind my man all the time. As a matter of fact, I would not do it.

[JazzyFox]

Pink, I echo your concern for avoiding feelings of resentment. It is why I posted in the first place.

 

Second, I hate housework, but I love a clean environment.

 

Third, he does a lot of things around the house. And now that we are getting more "in sync" with each other, he is doing many things without me asking him. Laundry, dishes, etc.

 

Funny enough, the more I back off him, the more he does. Whenever I am in another room he always comes to find me, and if I am cleaning something he is quick to help me any way he can.

 

Right now, my home environment is not quite to my standards. I think I will tackle the bathroom tonight. And, I will do it without resentment. (yes, the whiskers are still there )

[subhub40]

How does your husband feel about you airing all your dirty laundry on an internet website? I mean, seriously, I'm guessing your friends have already told you to stop whining and bitching, so you're stuck having to complain to total strangers about your hangups.

 

Having followed a couple of your threads, I'm guessing that you're transposing your shortcomings on to your poor husband. I'll wager your "cleaner" house it every bit as cluttered as his place and that you haven't picked up a broom or mop in years. What's more, I'll bet he never complained in the least about it, and/or actually helped you fix things up, whereas you just internalized your displeasure and vented in this forum.

 

As for him "cleaning up", I'll bet what he actually did was throw his things away to make room for yours. Clothes, furniture, what-have-you, and probably half killed himself doing it just to please you. I doubt very much that your junk is any better than his junk, anymore than your mess is any less offensive than his mess. I'll go as far as to bet you had him grow that beard for you; you know, the one you complain about seeing the trimmings of in the bathroom sink?

 

I actually saw you write something about him feeling "he wasn't enough of a man" for you, and discuss his personal medical conditions. What sort of woman says that about her husband? What is wrong with you that you would say that sort of things to a group of strangers about a man you're supposed to love? He tries to be the best "him" there is for you, and you're whining as much as any "troller" on this site.

 

Wow. I hope your loving husband files for a divorce siting the contents of this website as the grounds (mental cruelty, stunning selfishness, emotional immaturity).

 

Pink, I echo your concern for avoiding feelings of resentment. It is why I posted in the first place.

 

Second, I hate housework, but I love a clean environment.

 

Third, he does a lot of things around the house. And now that we are getting more "in sync" with each other, he is doing many things without me asking him. Laundry, dishes, etc.

 

Funny enough, the more I back off him, the more he does. Whenever I am in another room he always comes to find me, and if I am cleaning something he is quick to help me any way he can.

 

Right now, my home environment is not quite to my standards. I think I will tackle the bathroom tonight. And, I will do it without resentment. (yes, the whiskers are still there )

[The Matrix]

How does your husband feel about you airing all your dirty laundry on an internet website? I mean, seriously, I'm guessing your friends have already told you to stop whining and bitching, so you're stuck having to complain to total strangers about your hangups.

 

Having followed a couple of your threads, I'm guessing that you're transposing your shortcomings on to your poor husband. I'll wager your "cleaner" house it every bit as cluttered as his place and that you haven't picked up a broom or mop in years. What's more, I'll bet he never complained in the least about it, and/or actually helped you fix things up, whereas you just internalized your displeasure and vented in this forum.

 

As for him "cleaning up", I'll bet what he actually did was throw his things away to make room for yours. Clothes, furniture, what-have-you, and probably half killed himself doing it just to please you. I doubt very much that your junk is any better than his junk, anymore than your mess is any less offensive than his mess. I'll go as far as to bet you had him grow that beard for you; you know, the one you complain about seeing the trimmings of in the bathroom sink?

 

I actually saw you write something about him feeling "he wasn't enough of a man" for you, and discuss his personal medical conditions. What sort of woman says that about her husband? What is wrong with you that you would say that sort of things to a group of strangers about a man you're supposed to love? He tries to be the best "him" there is for you, and you're whining as much as any "troller" on this site.

 

Wow. I hope your loving husband files for a divorce siting the contents of this website as the grounds (mental cruelty, stunning selfishness, emotional immaturity).

 

I guess I came here to read, learn, and comment as appropriate. Isn't that what this forum is for? Isn't this a place to come for help, ideas, and suggestions? Isn't that what Jazzy is doing? Sub, you sure managed to pick up a lot about this young lady without knowing anything about her.

 

Very nice. Way to make new friends.