MM/OW Sex with BS...Dealbreaker???

[donnamaybe]

Well, all I can tell you is ...believe what I have to say or not. If it makes you feel better not to believe that MM (now exDM) did have sex with his wife then by all means, be my guest;)

 

Why would anyone in this thread need to "feel better" about whether or not two people they don't even know have sex or not?

 

The point is, the ONLY people who REALLY know are the M couple. However, common sense would indicate that MM would lie about it to appease an AP. The sad part is SO many blindly believe the words coming out of the mouth of a proven liar.

[MissBee]

How does giving you a pair of earrings and a bracelet prove that things were serious? If it was so serious wouldn't the MM have done what he needed to do to make things right? Like divorcing his wife and planning his future with you? So he won your family over by giving you a couple of expensive gifts? Sounds like your family is kind of gulliable too, or materialistic.

 

I have to agree alexandria.

 

Sometimes we get caught up in semblances of commitment and empty gestures, ignoring what serious commitment entails...i.e being committed. A man who is not divorcing is not committed to you. He is not ALL in. So all the bracelets in the world won't change that.

 

It's kind of like high school relationships in which a guy gives a girl some token, like his jacket or class ring and that symbolizes commitment when most times high schoolers know nothing about that...and just as soon as you give someone that, next month you find someone else. It's meaningless. Well not meaningless, but rather, not as meaningful as it's sometimes made out to be.

 

As an OW I received nice gifts too (and I too felt special because of it)...but that didn't change the fact that while he cared about me enough to spend money on me and even if he loved me...he wasn't committed to me! I didn't have a commitment...I had romance and gifts and the illusion of commitment. But so often in As and even in single situations...people's attention get focused on small or seemingly large gestures, like oh but he took me on a trip, oh he bought me a Rolex, etc as sure signs of love and commitment...when it is clear to see, if you weren't dazzled by the bling and the romantic getaways that you still don't have any meaningful commitment where it counts.

Edited February 4, 2012 by MissBee

[donnamaybe]

If I remember her post correctly, she got her info on if her xmm was having sex with his wife or not from his kids. To get that info from them is strange beyond strange.

 

Ewww! My kids are not privy to info about our sex life!

[whichwayisup]

Sometimes I read stuff that just blows my mind as to how gullible some ow are. Yes I was pretty gullible myself back then but still.......

 

This one takes the cake........ Saw it on another site. The BS took advantage of (had sex with or it was implied that he was raped) the ws while he was on painkillers in order to get herself pregnant. He tells the ow this when she finds out his wife is pregnant.

 

Well then, wouldn't that be.. Rape? To take advantage of someone in that state? Certainly if this was true (obviously a big fat juicy lie OW ate up and believed) charges should have been pressed against his wife, let alone a divorce and him having full custody of the baby.

 

We were out in the open, we never hid from anyone, and he had met my friends and family.

 

Aunt em, sure, you never hid him from your life, friends and family but you were hidden from his life, family and friends.

[pureinheart]

Please tell me this is a joke.

 

What KIDS know the sexual habits of their parents? Seriously, whose offspring keeps TRACK of their parent's sexual activity? Do they follow their parents around the house 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Because if they don't, then they're only ASSUMING what they think they know. And quite frankly, they're disgusting little trolls (whether they're teenagers or adults - doesn't matter) for even concerning themselves with something that intensely personal, much less running with that information to YOU. These spawn are a real good example for why lions eat their young. Revolting.

 

Lastly, if you had asked my son throughout his growing up years, he would have sworn his mother NEVER had sex - that she was as pure as the driven snow. ROFL! As if!! Oh I had it alright, I just made sure my son didn't KNOW about it because it wasn't his BUSINESS to know. Perhaps these perverted little tattle-tales - who so conveniently told you what you wanted to hear - really didn't know everything about mommy and daddy like they thought they did.

 

In either event, what an utterly disgusting and totally inappropriate conversation to have with ANYONE'S kids.

 

Ewww. I have to go take a shower, now.

 

Tell me about it...they weren't my kids, but his ex told their kids EVERYTHING. Trust me it was TMI for me and they had communicated much more than what I posted here, it was just too personal IMO to post even on an anonymous board.

 

I didnot ask for the info...when they were harassing me it was part of the "love letters" they wrote to me.

[donnamaybe]

Tell me about it...they weren't my kids, but his ex told their kids EVERYTHING. Trust me it was TMI for me and they had communicated much more than what I posted here, it was just too personal IMO to post even on an anonymous board.

 

I didnot ask for the info...when they were harassing me it was part of the "love letters" they wrote to me.

 

If they wanted to "harass" you, wouldn't they tell you they were having sex? You know, to rub it in? No lovemaking between them would be something they would rather keep from you if they were of a mind to "harass" an ex OW. Makes no sense otherwise.

[frozensprouts]

I have to agree alexandria.

 

Sometimes we get caught up in semblances of commitment and empty gestures, ignoring what serious commitment entails...i.e being committed. A man who is not divorcing is not committed to you. He is not ALL in. So all the bracelets in the world won't change that.

 

It's kind of like high school relationships in which a guy gives a girl some token, like his jacket or class ring and that symbolizes commitment when most times high schoolers know nothing about that...and just as soon as you give someone that, next month you find someone else. It's meaningless. Well not meaningless, but rather, not as meaningful as it's sometimes made out to be.

 

As an OW I received nice gifts too (and I too felt special because of it)...but that didn't change the fact that while he cared about me enough to spend money on me and even if he loved me...he wasn't committed to me! I didn't have a commitment...I had romance and gifts and the illusion of commitment. But so often in As and even in single situations...people's attention get focused on small or seemingly large gestures, like oh but he took me on a trip, oh he bought me a Rolex, etc as sure signs of love and commitment...when it is clear to see, if you weren't dazzled by the bling and the romantic getaways that you still don't have any meaningful commitment where it counts.

 

your post made me think quite a bit...

 

No matter what material ( or otherwise) gift a married person gave to their affair partner as a sign of commitment, one would have to wonder at how much faith could be placed in said commitment...

 

after all, if a married person is cheating on their spouse, someone they claim to have a commitment to ( one that is , most likely, even formally expressed and presented to the world), then what value do they actually place on commitments anyway?

 

- if a guy gave a woman an engagement ring, got married to her made a formal commitment to be faithful to her, and then he cheats on her, i would have to question how much value he places on commitment ts in the first place)

[MissBee]

your post made me think quite a bit...

 

No matter what material ( or otherwise) gift a married person gave to their affair partner as a sign of commitment, one would have to wonder at how much faith could be placed in said commitment...

 

after all, if a married person is cheating on their spouse, someone they claim to have a commitment to ( one that is , most likely, even formally expressed and presented to the world), then what value do they actually place on commitments anyway?

 

- if a guy gave a woman an engagement ring, got married to her made a formal commitment to be faithful to her, and then he cheats on her, i would have to question how much value he places on commitment ts in the first place)

 

I was actually trying to edit my post earlier, to say marriages aren't exempt either, but it was too late. Glad you brought it up though. I'm battling my own commitment phobia and have been reading an amazing book: He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships . Everyone should read, esp those in As and those who are single or dealing with infidelity!

 

But one of the points the book discusses is that someone who is commitment phobic doesn't always know until the relationship reaches a milestone that seems to solidify the commitment more and they feel like they have no out. For example, for some it is after having sex, for some it is upon moving in with the person, for some it is being married and for some it is when they are about to have a child within their marriage. It also discusses how being married does not mean you are not commitment phobic...commitment phobic people marry ALL THE TIME! They are no less commitment phobic, and usually they do things within their marriage to create distance between them and their spouse, and one of the main ones is through infidelity. People wrongfully believe though, that marrying is a sure sign that someone is committed...it's not...and again, things may be going very well in the relationship and the commitment fears don't become pronounced until a milestone or something triggers it then they attempt to create distance or find an out.

 

Sooo yes...any person who has a semblance of commitment elsewhere and is in an A....chances are they are not fully committed to either person! He/she may be more comfortable with their home situation and isn't planning to leave and probably does love the spouse...but loving someone doesn't love your commitment issues out of you...it doesn't. It's something you have to work on for yourself. So quite frankly, if someone is cheating, chances are they may have commitment issues....and an OP who ends up with them needs to realize this as something not dependent on WHO but solely on them and it's not anything some perfect person can cure them of and a BS who is reconciling needs to also be aware that this could be their issue and they need to resolve it or else when the commitment claustrophobia rears its head...they will be up to their philandering ways again.

Edited February 5, 2012 by MissBee

[Auntie Em]

How does giving you a pair of earrings and a bracelet prove that things were serious? If it was so serious wouldn't the MM have done what he needed to do to make things right? Like divorcing his wife and planning his future with you? So he won your family over by giving you a couple of expensive gifts? Sounds like your family is kind of gulliable too, or materialistic.

 

I guess I wouldn't expect anyone to drop a lot of money on someone unless they care about them. It has been a bit since the affair (do not want to give out too much information) and looking back, there was rarely any mention of a divorce from him. I knew he was married and accepted things at face value. I did not push him to leave or separate. I just lived in the moment and enjoyed the time we spent together. I had a very demanding job at that time and in many ways, I was glad I didn't have someone at home who needed my attention. Now that my career is on the path I want it at, I do want to find someone to share my life with.

 

As for my family, please do not make comments about something you do not know. My family knew he was married, but obviously was not happy about me seeing him. I know they thought he was just looking for a sexual relationship, and it was not a subject I was comfortable discussing with them. They were quite stunned when he gave me the gifts because how does he hide that expense from his wife? They were concerned about harm coming to me if his wife discovered the relationship and thankfully, that worry was a moot point because to the best of my knowledge, she never did. I grew up in a very poor family and my parents were far from materialistic. They are no longer alive (killed by a drunk driver) but like most parents they just wanted me to be happy. They saw he made me happy.

 

I cherish the memories of my time with him; I felt very loved and safe. He was a very special part of my life and he taught me many things about myself. I hope he thinks fondly of our time together too. We just met at a time when he has commitments. I was raised Catholic and while I know the relationship was morally against my beliefs, but I do not regret what we shared.

 

Responding to this

Aunt em, sure, you never hid him from your life, friends and family but you were hidden from his life, family and friends.

 

Actually, I did meet members of his family and a couple of his friends. I cannot go into more detail, but I was not a 'normal' OW who is hidden away. He had no kids with his wife (it was a 2nd marriage for him and her), they both had grown kids from previous marriages and they lived very far from their kids. He offered to introduce me to them, but I declined.

 

Tell me about it...they weren't my kids, but his ex told their kids EVERYTHING. Trust me it was TMI for me and they had communicated much more than what I posted here, it was just too personal IMO to post even on an anonymous board.

 

I didnot ask for the info...when they were harassing me it was part of the "love letters" they wrote to me.

 

Why would his kids be talking to you and telling you things? How do you know what she told his kids? Did she tell them how long it took for him to orgasm? Did she tell them what she did to him that he liked? I cannot wrap my head around any adult telling their child details of their sex life and I cannot wrap my head around any kid wanting that information. Why did you not tell these kids that you did not want to hear about their parents sex life? Harassing you? Yet writing you love letters? That doesn't make sense. If you are implying the love letters were actually mean letters, why would they tell you a negative about their parents? Normally, if someone is writing hateful things, in this sitch they would say something about how happy mom makes dad in bed; not the opposite. Are you sure you are remembering correctly?

[frozensprouts]

I was actually trying to edit my post earlier, to say marriages aren't exempt either, but it was too late. Glad you brought it up though. I'm battling my own commitment phobia and have been reading an amazing book: He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships . Everyone should read, esp those in As and those who are single or dealing with infidelity!

 

But one of the points the book discusses is that someone who is commitment phobic doesn't always know until the relationship reaches a milestone that seems to solidify the commitment more and they feel like they have no out. For example, for some it is after having sex, for some it is upon moving in with the person, for some it is being married and for some it is when they are about to have a child within their marriage. It also discusses how being married does not mean you are not commitment phobic...commitment phobic people marry ALL THE TIME! They are no less commitment phobic, and usually they do things within their marriage to create distance between them and their spouse, and one of the main ones is through infidelity. People wrongfully believe though, that marrying is a sure sign that someone is committed...it's not...and again, things may be going very well in the relationship and the commitment fears don't become pronounced until a milestone or something triggers it then they attempt to create distance or find an out.

 

Sooo yes...any person who has a semblance of commitment elsewhere and is in an A....chances are they are not fully committed to either person! He/she may be more comfortable with their home situation and isn't planning to leave and probably does love the spouse...but loving someone doesn't love your commitment issues out of you...it doesn't. It's something you have to work on for yourself. So quite frankly, if someone is cheating, chances are they may have commitment issues....and an OP who ends up with them needs to realize this as something not dependent on WHO but solely on them and it's not anything some perfect person can cure them of and a BS who is reconciling needs to also be aware that this could be their issue and they need to resolve it or else when the commitment claustrophobia rears its head...they will be up to their philandering ways again.

 

 

makes sense...

 

a married person may "love" the other man/woman they are having an affair with, but this does not change the fundamentals of who they are...

 

no matter what the fairy tales say, love doesn't turn a frog into a prince, only the frog can do that, all on his own ( i.e.- he "loves " me, so somehow he will be different with me than with her- he won't be any different, unless he changes the way he functions in a relationship)

[MissBee]

makes sense...

a married person may "love" the other man/woman they are having an affair with, but this does not change the fundamentals of who they are...

 

no matter what the fairy tales say, love doesn't turn a frog into a prince, only the frog can do that, all on his own ( i.e.- he "loves " me, so somehow he will be different with me than with her- he won't be any different, unless he changes the way he functions in a relationship)

 

Indeed!

 

But some of us are hell-bent on potential or "fixing".

 

If we operate from what this person is showing us and go from there, we'd fare better than trying to see something else or decide that somehow, against all logic, things will mysteriously transform with no other actions and work, besides our great love.

[18Years2Late]

[quote name=Auntie

Em' post='3724292]Why would his kids be talking to you and telling you things? How do you know what she told his kids? Did she tell them how long it took for him to orgasm? Did she tell them what she did to him that he liked? I cannot wrap my head around any adult telling their child details of their sex life and I cannot wrap my head around any kid wanting that information. Why did you not tell these kids that you did not want to hear about their parents sex life? Harassing you? Yet writing you love letters? That doesn't make sense. If you are implying the love letters were actually mean letters, why would they tell you a negative about their parents? Normally, if someone is writing hateful things, in this sitch they would say something about how happy mom makes dad in bed; not the opposite. Are you sure you are remembering correctly?

 

I've never mentioned this before bc rarely do people here talk about the kids after dday...frankly I'm embarrassed (guilt) and thought I was alone...

 

Since dday, xMM's kids harassed me by any method they could find...BS has told them everything (14 yo girl, 11 yo boy)...used them in the worst possible way to get back at xMM...the called me...left messages on my VM...sent me FB messages...emailed me from BS acct and pretended to be her...when I blocked them on FB they created fake accts...I've got numerous "people"

I've never met bf blocked on FB...after a while I started questioning the rational nature of it and asked xMM if maybe it was her pretending to b them...he said no it was the kids?!?!?...

 

Now...they never once mentioned their parents sex life (eeeew)...but the ideas, and thoughts, and gruesome words that came from these innocent young children's mouths was horrible...things that kids that age should never say or know about...prob not adults either...I never responded to them but would forward to xMM right away...it weighed on me heavy...still does...very sad...1/2 my fault...

 

These poor children are going to be extremely messed up for life...at there mother's hands...yes xMM's fault...but a mothers 1st job is to protect and nuture her children...so what I don't get is...xMM could not leave his M bc he couldn't stand the thought of being a weekend dad...and I know for a fact that he does 85% of the childcare...I'm a mother...I completely understand and don't fault him for that one bit...but where is his love for them now?...doesn't he see what this is doing to them...STILL TODAY...8 months out...BS is still acting like it was yesterday...not one iota of progress...I don't get it...prob never will...

 

So it happens...kids find out stuff they shouldn't and they repeat it...it's sad when it's their parents and not the kids at school...

[MissBee]

I've never mentioned this before bc rarely do people here talk about the kids after dday...frankly I'm embarrassed (guilt) and thought I was alone...

 

Since dday, xMM's kids harassed me by any method they could find...BS has told them everything (14 yo girl, 11 yo boy)...used them in the worst possible way to get back at xMM...the called me...left messages on my VM...sent me FB messages...emailed me from BS acct and pretended to be her...when I blocked them on FB they created fake accts...I've got numerous "people"

I've never met bf blocked on FB...after a while I started questioning the rational nature of it and asked xMM if maybe it was her pretending to b them...he said no it was the kids?!?!?...

 

Now...they never once mentioned their parents sex life (eeeew)...but the ideas, and thoughts, and gruesome words that came from these innocent young children's mouths was horrible...things that kids that age should never say or know about...prob not adults either...I never responded to them but would forward to xMM right away...it weighed on me heavy...still does...very sad...1/2 my fault...

 

These poor children are going to be extremely messed up for life...at there mother's hands...yes xMM's fault...but a mothers 1st job is to protect and nuture her children...so what I don't get is...xMM could not leave his M bc he couldn't stand the thought of being a weekend dad...and I know for a fact that he does 85% of the childcare...I'm a mother...I completely understand and don't fault him for that one bit...but where is his love for them now?...doesn't he see what this is doing to them...STILL TODAY...8 months out...BS is still acting like it was yesterday...not one iota of progress...I don't get it...prob never will...

 

So it happens...kids find out stuff they shouldn't and they repeat it...it's sad when it's their parents and not the kids at school...

 

This is such a mess smh

 

I have no words for it at all, besides the fact that it is a mess.

[SidLyon]

I've never mentioned this before bc rarely do people here talk about the kids after dday...frankly I'm embarrassed (guilt) and thought I was alone...

 

Since dday, xMM's kids harassed me by any method they could find...BS has told them everything (14 yo girl, 11 yo boy)...used them in the worst possible way to get back at xMM...the called me...left messages on my VM...sent me FB messages...emailed me from BS acct and pretended to be her...when I blocked them on FB they created fake accts...I've got numerous "people"

I've never met bf blocked on FB...after a while I started questioning the rational nature of it and asked xMM if maybe it was her pretending to b them...he said no it was the kids?!?!?...

 

Now...they never once mentioned their parents sex life (eeeew)...but the ideas, and thoughts, and gruesome words that came from these innocent young children's mouths was horrible...things that kids that age should never say or know about...prob not adults either...I never responded to them but would forward to xMM right away...it weighed on me heavy...still does...very sad...1/2 my fault...

 

These poor children are going to be extremely messed up for life...at there mother's hands...yes xMM's fault...but a mothers 1st job is to protect and nuture her children...so what I don't get is...xMM could not leave his M bc he couldn't stand the thought of being a weekend dad...and I know for a fact that he does 85% of the childcare...I'm a mother...I completely understand and don't fault him for that one bit...but where is his love for them now?...doesn't he see what this is doing to them...STILL TODAY...8 months out...BS is still acting like it was yesterday...not one iota of progress...I don't get it...prob never will...

 

So it happens...kids find out stuff they shouldn't and they repeat it...it's sad when it's their parents and not the kids at school...

 

I'm a BW who did instigate telling my 2 kids of their father's affair. They were both 14 at the time. I didn't tell them "everything" and I doubt "your BW" told them everything either.

 

I believed they would have concluded from my behaviour immediately after d-day, that I had just been diagnosed with a fatal illness and wasn't telling them about it. I don't know which is worse, them believing that their mother was about to die (which was false) or them finding out their father had had an affair. In the end I opted for the truth.

 

I was a total mess and simply couldn't keep it from them. After about a week of me being in a heap I broke down one morning at breakfast. Through my uncontrollable tears I said to my H "you tell them".

 

To his credit he did tell them and later that day he told them he would answer any of their questions honestly. As it turned out one of them had been comparing my H's mobile phone with his own a few weeks earlier and had seen a text from the OW. His only question of my H was: what was her name? He obviously had remembered the name in the text.

 

The poor kid age 14 had been worrying about it for weeks. He hadn't even shared it with his identical twin brother who was actually angry that he was the last to find out.

 

I'm quite offended at your assumption above that it would all be the mother's fault. I suspect you have no idea about the impact on a BW as well as the whole family and the teen-aged children of the discovery that a parent is deceiving them all.

[18Years2Late]

I'm a BW who did instigate telling my 2 kids of their father's affair. They were both 14 at the time. I didn't tell them "everything" and I doubt "your BW" told them everything either.

 

I believed they would have concluded from my behaviour immediately after d-day, that I had just been diagnosed with a fatal illness and wasn't telling them about it. I don't know which is worse, them believing that their mother was about to die (which was false) or them finding out their father had had an affair. In the end I opted for the truth.

 

I was a total mess and simply couldn't keep it from them. After about a week of me being in a heap I broke down one morning at breakfast. Through my uncontrollable tears I said to my H "you tell them".

 

To his credit he did tell them and later that day he told them he would answer any of their questions honestly. As it turned out one of them had been comparing my H's mobile phone with his own a few weeks earlier and had seen a text from the OW. His only question of my H was: what was her name? He obviously had remembered the name in the text.

 

The poor kid age 14 had been worrying about it for weeks. He hadn't even shared it with his identical twin brother who was actually angry that he was the last to find out.

 

I'm quite offended at your assumption above that it would all be the mother's fault. I suspect you have no idea about the impact on a BW as well as the whole family and the teen-aged children of the discovery that a parent is deceiving them all.

 

No...read my post again before u make assumptions about me...I quite clearly stated that it was xMM's fault and I even said 1/2 mine...but 2 wrongs don't make a right and neither do 3...There's a whole lot she to and in front of her kids that I won't mention on a public forum (both legal and illegal)...I don't even know u but I'm sure u don't compare....she's a breed of her own...and no I've never been a BW...you're right about that...

[SidLyon]

No...read my post again before u make assumptions about me...I quite clearly stated that it was xMM's fault and I even said 1/2 mine...but 2 wrongs don't make a right and neither do 3...There's a whole lot she to and in front of her kids that I won't mention on a public forum (both legal and illegal)...I don't even know u but I'm sure u don't compare....she's a breed of her own...and no I've never been a BW...you're right about that...

 

You also blamed the BW and the only assumption I made about you was correct as you have confirmed.

 

I'm curious about the illegal things you mention though...

[alexandria35]

I guess I wouldn't expect anyone to drop a lot of money on someone unless they care about them. It has been a bit since the affair (do not want to give out too much information) and looking back, there was rarely any mention of a divorce from him. I knew he was married and accepted things at face value. I did not push him to leave or separate. I just lived in the moment and enjoyed the time we spent together. I had a very demanding job at that time and in many ways, I was glad I didn't have someone at home who needed my attention. Now that my career is on the path I want it at, I do want to find someone to share my life with.

 

As for my family, please do not make comments about something you do not know. My family knew he was married, but obviously was not happy about me seeing him. I know they thought he was just looking for a sexual relationship, and it was not a subject I was comfortable discussing with them. They were quite stunned when he gave me the gifts because how does he hide that expense from his wife? They were concerned about harm coming to me if his wife discovered the relationship and thankfully, that worry was a moot point because to the best of my knowledge, she never did. I grew up in a very poor family and my parents were far from materialistic. They are no longer alive (killed by a drunk driver) but like most parents they just wanted me to be happy. They saw he made me happy.

 

I cherish the memories of my time with him; I felt very loved and safe. He was a very special part of my life and he taught me many things about myself. I hope he thinks fondly of our time together too. We just met at a time when he has commitments. I was raised Catholic and while I know the relationship was morally against my beliefs, but I do not regret what we shared.

 

Responding to this

 

Actually, I did meet members of his family and a couple of his friends. I cannot go into more detail, but I was not a 'normal' OW who is hidden away. He had no kids with his wife (it was a 2nd marriage for him and her), they both had grown kids from previous marriages and they lived very far from their kids. He offered to introduce me to them, but I declined.

 

 

 

Why would his kids be talking to you and telling you things? How do you know what she told his kids? Did she tell them how long it took for him to orgasm? Did she tell them what she did to him that he liked? I cannot wrap my head around any adult telling their child details of their sex life and I cannot wrap my head around any kid wanting that information. Why did you not tell these kids that you did not want to hear about their parents sex life? Harassing you? Yet writing you love letters? That doesn't make sense. If you are implying the love letters were actually mean letters, why would they tell you a negative about their parents? Normally, if someone is writing hateful things, in this sitch they would say something about how happy mom makes dad in bed; not the opposite. Are you sure you are remembering correctly?

 

I'm sorry that you lost your parents Auntie Em. I didn't mean to insult you or your family. I just know myself and my own family. My mom is a tough cookie and there is no way either her or my stepfather would have ever approved of a MM pursuing me, and buying me expensive gifts wouldn't have done a thing towards changing their stance. I'm the same way. If I thought a person was going to hurt one of my kids there is no way I would be impressed or change my opinion of them just because they dropped some expensive gifts on them. As a matter of fact I think that might piss me off even more. Also my own life experience has been that men buying expensive gifts doesn't neccesarily mean anything and sometimes it's

downright manipulative.

[RecordProducer]

What grounds do u have to say that? Please explain?

Because when a woman truly loves her partner, the thought of sharing him with someone else is tearing her apart. That's the reality.

[beenburned]

I personally never told or involved my kids in any of my marital problems.

 

When my grown D's H left her for an OW, I then broke down and told her about what had happened in my marriage many years ago. This was ONLY after she asked for my advice!

 

My grown S still does not know. I didn't want to tarnish the image he shared with his father as a male.

 

Both of my grown children have always sought our advise about troubles in their lives. We both try to guide them with our love and support.(when asked)

 

Auntie Em,

I'm so sorry that you lost your parents in such a tragic way.

 

But my family or friends would never have accepted an adulterous relationship.

 

My XSIL mentioned above, went on to marry his OW. After having 2 kids together, she ran off and left him for an OM. She also left the kids with him!

 

Miss Bee,

That sounds like a good book.

 

I agree that issues in a person will follow them into future relationships, unless they address them, and work to correct the old behaviors.

 

RP,

 

I'm a bit confused about your post.

 

Doesn't all women that get involved with a MM realize they are sharing the man with his wife? Yet still choose to pursue a relationship with him.

[Spark1111]

fBS and a few thoughts here.....

 

My children, young adults, had never seen me cry with the exception of the loss of a brother in a car accident.

 

My oldest D deduced it immediately. What could cause your mother to pack a bag while hysterically crying after a wonderful family reunion/vacation?

 

The other two children had suspected it waaaaay before I did. After they gave their father a piece of their mind, my oldest wanted to write the OW a letter and I talked her out of it.

 

Sid, I also agree with you that some friends thought I had been diagnosed with a terminal disease as I dropped off the radar to heal. Telling them the truth was an act of kindness.

 

As for gifts: My fWS started to ramp up the gift giving to his OW out of guilt. She started to want more of a permanent relationship, and he kept dangling a future (with a million excuses) but had no intention of leaving the marriage.

 

He was too cowardly to tell her that (shocker, I know) so the gifts and trips became more expensive.

 

And there worst arguments? When he took me on vacation. A man getting ready to divorce does not take his wife to exotic locales. She knew we weren't playing cards and shuffleboard.

 

Still, she hung on until a few weeks after DDAy.

[18Years2Late]

You also blamed the BW and the only assumption I made about you was correct as you have confirmed.

 

I'm curious about the illegal things you mention though...

 

Correct again...I blame the BW for her actions AFTER dday...not before...I blame the xMM for his actions AFTER dday...not before...I...the fOW has been the only adult AFTER dday...and I will continue to be...

 

Let's just say she's been arrested SEVERAL times since dday...

[woinlove]

fBS and a few thoughts here.....

 

My children, young adults, had never seen me cry with the exception of the loss of a brother in a car accident.

 

My oldest D deduced it immediately. What could cause your mother to pack a bag while hysterically crying after a wonderful family reunion/vacation?

 

The other two children had suspected it waaaaay before I did. After they gave their father a piece of their mind, my oldest wanted to write the OW a letter and I talked her out of it.

 

Sid, I also agree with you that some friends thought I had been diagnosed with a terminal disease as I dropped off the radar to heal. Telling them the truth was an act of kindness.

 

As for gifts: My fWS started to ramp up the gift giving to his OW out of guilt. She started to want more of a permanent relationship, and he kept dangling a future (with a million excuses) but had no intention of leaving the marriage.

 

He was too cowardly to tell her that (shocker, I know) so the gifts and trips became more expensive.

 

And there worst arguments? When he took me on vacation. A man getting ready to divorce does not take his wife to exotic locales. She knew we weren't playing cards and shuffleboard.

 

Still, she hung on until a few weeks after DDAy.

 

The effect of affairs on children, whether they find out, are told, or just feel the effect on their home environment, could fill several threads on its own. But just wanted to say, good for you for talking your daughter out of writing to the OW. I think this is a common reaction, but, really what good could come of it. In general, I think age appropriate honesty is again the best policy, as children often know or suspect without telling their parents and they should have an outlet for voicing their fears and asking questions.

[SoMovinOn]

Let's not forget, some people feel the need to use their kids as pawns, or weapons, when dealing with their problems with their spouse. They try to get the kids on their side, turn them against their spouse. These are some sick individuals who never should have been allowed to breed.

[Spark1111]

Let's not forget, some people feel the need to use their kids as pawns, or weapons, when dealing with their problems with their spouse. They try to get the kids on their side, turn them against their spouse. These are some sick individuals who never should have been allowed to breed.

 

I agree! Just wanted to point out that some BSs do not do that; but we cannot/are not able to control ALL of our emotions after DDAY! We are not robots and the pain of betrayal is devastating.

 

His fOW went through an acrimonious divorce and never missed an opportunity to refer to her xH as the "azzh##e" in front of her own young son!

 

The kid hates daddy and his new wife today. Big shocker, I know.

[Spark1111]

The effect of affairs on children, whether they find out, are told, or just feel the effect on their home environment, could fill several threads on its own. But just wanted to say, good for you for talking your daughter out of writing to the OW. I think this is a common reaction, but, really what good could come of it. In general, I think age appropriate honesty is again the best policy, as children often know or suspect without telling their parents and they should have an outlet for voicing their fears and asking questions.

 

I agree with you! But please bear in mind that seeking revenge is a normal reaction to seeing your loved one in pain! I had friends who wanted to march on her doorstep and give the OW a piece of their mind. I talked them out of it.

 

They had access to him and told him what they thought of his actions.

 

When I read OW/OM talk of how they bear less accountability because they are not the one breaking the marriage vows, interesting to note that while some may agree with that in principal, those friends and family that loved me did not WANT to adhere to the higher prinicpals when I was in pain.

 

In the court of local opinion, that was not the case in my sitch. And it was no easy task to encourage cooler heads to prevail while dealing with my own emotions.

 

I'm proud I was able to do so. It speaks to my own integrity and my own self-image.