Break ups can be as hard for the dumper

[HeavenOrHell]

This is something I hadn't realised before.

 

If the dumper is no longer getting what they want/need from the relationship because their partner has stopped giving it to them, and the the dumper has tried to talk to them to about it, and nothing has changed.

 

I know how my ex felt now, he tried to tell me many times he was no longer happy because I was neglecting him, and I didn't change in time to save us. But I assumed it was far worse for me in the end as it was him leaving me, but he said he felt his heart was being broken the last few years of our r/ship.

 

And now I'm unhappy, neglected in my current r/ship and thinking about ending it, and even if I am the dumper, it is painful because I wish he was as loving as he used to be, I don't want us to be over, but I don't want to be unhappy in my r/ship either.

 

Basically, in some situations/some break ups, dumpers can feel just as broken hearted as the person being left.

 

I no longer assume it's necessarily easier for the dumper.

[Philosoraptor]

Of course it is not easier. They go through the same thoughts that the dumpee goes through. They might have started the process earlier as they most likely have been thinking about it for a time prior to this... but they still go through the same grieving process.

 

The ones that take the time to heal properly are the ones who don't come back, or the ones that have actually matured enough to have analyzed themselves and the relationship and can make a proper go of a second chance.

 

The ones who don't heal jump right into something else to avoid their feelings or to "win" and these are the ones who stay in contact, get jealous/angry/try to keep you down when you are making progress, and when they come back they are sure to leave again.

[ivyvine]

HeavenOrHell - I'm glad you brought this up. I think a lot of people do assume that the person who decided to end it isn't as heartbroken as the one who got dumped. In my case, this couldn't be farther from the truth. I was in an almost 7 year relationship, but the last two years were awful. I felt so alone and heartbroken .... here I was doing everything I could to keep the relationship afloat while my ex didn't seem to give a sh*t. I know he loved me, but actions speak louder than words and he wasn't willing to put the time or effort in until I decided to leave. It was very emotionally draining to love someone so much, to put forth so much effort to try and save the relationship and then not have my partner do the same. Sadly, you can only keep throwing the water out of a sinking boat so long before you go entirely under!

 

I still love him so much, 8 months after our break and almost three years since things started to go south, and my heart breaks anytime I think about him or see him or am reminded of him.

 

He recently told me he felt heart broken and depressed for four months following our break up, that they were the worst four months of his life ... I just remind him I felt heart broken and alone for at least a year prior to the break up. And 8 months later, I'm still not doing much better and he has started seeing someone new. Yes, I think it has been just as bad for me, the dumper.

[HeavenOrHell]

I just hadn't realised until I was in this position, that it can hurt as much for the dumper, the dumper's heart can be broken just as much as the person they dumped. The dumped person will feel abandoned/unloved, but the dumper may already be feeling this too at the end of the r/ship.

I see too many posts about how dumpers have it easy and how they don't give a s***, when in reality most are/were hurting and do/did give a s***

[HeavenOrHell]

Aw, I'm sorry This sounds so painful.

A lot of it rings true for how my ex felt I treated him, which I still regret, 3 years on (we were together 18 years), and I also feel some of what you said with my current partner

Hugs xx

 

 

HeavenOrHell - I'm glad you brought this up. I think a lot of people do assume that the person who decided to end it isn't as heartbroken as the one who got dumped. In my case, this couldn't be farther from the truth. I was in an almost 7 year relationship, but the last two years were awful. I felt so alone and heartbroken .... here I was doing everything I could to keep the relationship afloat while my ex didn't seem to give a sh*t. I know he loved me, but actions speak louder than words and he wasn't willing to put the time or effort in until I decided to leave. It was very emotionally draining to love someone so much, to put forth so much effort to try and save the relationship and then not have my partner do the same. Sadly, you can only keep throwing the water out of a sinking boat so long before you go entirely under!

 

I still love him so much, 8 months after our break and almost three years since things started to go south, and my heart breaks anytime I think about him or see him or am reminded of him.

 

He recently told me he felt heart broken and depressed for four months following our break up, that they were the worst four months of his life ... I just remind him I felt heart broken and alone for at least a year prior to the break up. And 8 months later, I'm still not doing much better and he has started seeing someone new. Yes, I think it has been just as bad for me, the dumper.

[ivyvine]

HeavenOrHell - when your partner of 18 years decided to end it, did you try to get him back? Or vice a versa?

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, for several months we were in limbo as he was trying to work out whether to leave or not and I did all I could to save us, but I'd left it too late, and for 6 or 7 months after he left he knew I still wanted him back. We're still good friends, both have partners.

 

 

HeavenOrHell - when your partner of 18 years decided to end it, did you try to get him back? Or vice a versa?

[ivyvine]

We were about the same ... except he has started seeing someone and now I think I want him back. I can't decide if it's because I really do miss him and us and want to try to work on it or if it's because I know he's moved on and I can't have him. We talked about it earlier this week. We agreed that: we still love and care about each other and that losing each other's best friend has really taken a toll on both of us. That if we had met and dated at a later stage in our lives (we were both 18 when we started dating) there is no doubt we would have worked out. But, he also told me that even if he wasn't seeing this girl he wouldn't be willing to try it again.

 

I know this is very twisted, and I should allow him to move on, but I just miss him so very much and don't even know where to begin to decipher what I'm feeling. As someone who has been on both ends, do you have any advice or words of wisdom to share?

[Sugarkane]

I disagree with you, only if you're an "emotional dumper" like yourself. Alot of people on here were cheated on for someone else. So the dumper already has a new warm body for comfort. They don't have to even deal with being single again. Some dumpers are complete Aholes, just read my story and the guy I dated after my ex.

[Sugarkane]

Especially when you have a dumper that basically disappears on you and then turns everyone against you.

[Frank13]

 

Basically, in some situations/some break ups, dumpers can feel just as broken hearted as the person being left.

 

Or Dumpers can feel worse. In my case I cared and she didn't (says she did, but didn't show it) so I dumped her and went NC. I miss her and it hurts but I don't think she is hurt or cares. There were a couple half hearted emails from her at the beginning of the break that I ignored and she has been silent ever since.

 

Like one poster here said, If they want to lose you from their life, go ahead and let them.

[HeavenOrHell]

That's why I said >Basically, in some situations/some break ups, dumpers can feel just as broken hearted as the person being left<

 

*some* being the operative word, I realise it's only true in some cases, but it's true in a lot more cases than I'd realised.

 

 

 

 

I disagree with you, only if you're an "emotional dumper" like yourself. Alot of people on here were cheated on for someone else. So the dumper already has a new warm body for comfort. They don't have to even deal with being single again. Some dumpers are complete Aholes, just read my story and the guy I dated after my ex.

[HeavenOrHell]

Has he said why he stopped making the effort for the last two years? Are his reasons something which could have been rectified?

From what you've said there doesn't seem much hope He's said he wouldn't be willing to try it again. Have you asked him why he wouldn't be?

Sometimes it's just too late, and the person's feelings have changed and can't be changed back again no matter what.

If you got back together how would things be done differently this time, so that it lasts long term, or would the same problems be there?

Remember how miserable you felt, you don't want to go back to that, if he wasn't willing or able to change things for the better, then you did the right thing by leaving.

I probably shouldn't even be attempting to give advice, seeing as things didn't work out for me with my ex, and at the moment they're not with my current partner either (although that's pretty much because it's an LDR) I could advise you how to NOT do things though

Feel free to ask me anything though, and I'll advise if I can.

If you're in the UK, Relate are helpful with r/ships and break ups.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We were about the same ... except he has started seeing someone and now I think I want him back. I can't decide if it's because I really do miss him and us and want to try to work on it or if it's because I know he's moved on and I can't have him. We talked about it earlier this week. We agreed that: we still love and care about each other and that losing each other's best friend has really taken a toll on both of us. That if we had met and dated at a later stage in our lives (we were both 18 when we started dating) there is no doubt we would have worked out. But, he also told me that even if he wasn't seeing this girl he wouldn't be willing to try it again.

 

I know this is very twisted, and I should allow him to move on, but I just miss him so very much and don't even know where to begin to decipher what I'm feeling. As someone who has been on both ends, do you have any advice or words of wisdom to share?

[leoc1973]

I agree and disagree. I agree if the dumpee turns around and walks away this does leave the dumper feeling the loss too. But when the dumpee starts the begging and crying this takes all that feeling of loss by the dumper away. It starts to make it so that the dumper can't wait to get away from the dumpee and also knowing you can have someone back anytime you want kinda takes a lot of that pain away. And yes usually the dumper already has someone lined up to "fill the void" Thats why as one of the other posters said only now that her ex has someone new she thinks she wants him back because only now it is hitting her that its really over.

 

Its funny how it goes full circle. The dumper is supposedly already getting over the relationship even before they end it. Then they dump the dumpee who begs and cries and only after the dumpee meets someone new the dumper wants them back into a relationship which they supposedly they were already over it even before the breakup. This is why I don't feel that whole the dumper was already healing beforehand is even a real thing. I think it was more about them getting up the courage to hurt someone they love.

[Sugarkane]

Well put leoc1973

[Ajax]

I disagree with you, only if you're an "emotional dumper" like yourself. Alot of people on here were cheated on for someone else. So the dumper already has a new warm body for comfort. They don't have to even deal with being single again. Some dumpers are complete Aholes, just read my story and the guy I dated after my ex.

 

In this type of situation you're probably right, and it is all too common. But this isn't what this thread is about. There are plenty of GIGS threads on here which match with the type of dumper you're talking about. But the OP is talking about being a dumper in what she feels is an imbalanced and one sided relationship.

 

In her case it's not "GIGS." She doesn't have someone lined up to take her boyfriend's place. She's not taking what she has for granted. Quite the opposite, she feels she's put more into the relationship than him, and it's taking an emotional toll on her.

 

I know where you're coming from, Sugarkane. The ex that brought me here played me for the fool and had someone lined up waiting in the wings, all the while telling me there was nobody else and just couldn't be in a relationship. I was in the worst pain.

 

Those kinds of dumpers are easy to villainize, regardless of the wisdom of doing so. But all dumpers do not fit into the same mold. And we need to support those coming here hurt because they themselves left a relationship that was not healthy for them.

[HeavenOrHell]

Wow, thanks Ajax, you've summed up my situation so well here!

 

This is me totally;

>But the OP is talking about being a dumper in what she feels is an imbalanced and one sided relationship.

 

In her case it's not "GIGS." She doesn't have someone lined up to take her boyfriend's place. She's not taking what she has for granted. Quite the opposite, she feels she's put more into the relationship than him, and it's taking an emotional toll on her<

 

The thought of ending it is extremely painful, I still love him, and the thought of hurting him by ending it is extremely painful too, because he's not hurting me intentionally

 

In this type of situation you're probably right, and it is all too common. But this isn't what this thread is about. There are plenty of GIGS threads on here which match with the type of dumper you're talking about. But the OP is talking about being a dumper in what she feels is an imbalanced and one sided relationship.

 

In her case it's not "GIGS." She doesn't have someone lined up to take her boyfriend's place. She's not taking what she has for granted. Quite the opposite, she feels she's put more into the relationship than him, and it's taking an emotional toll on her.

 

I know where you're coming from, Sugarkane. The ex that brought me here played me for the fool and had someone lined up waiting in the wings, all the while telling me there was nobody else and just couldn't be in a relationship. I was in the worst pain.

 

Those kinds of dumpers are easy to villainize, regardless of the wisdom of doing so. But all dumpers do not fit into the same mold. And we need to support those coming here hurt because they themselves left a relationship that was not healthy for them.

[ivyvine]

I agree if the dumpee turns around and walks away this does leave the dumper feeling the loss too. But when the dumpee starts the begging and crying this takes all that feeling of loss by the dumper away. It starts to make it so that the dumper can't wait to get away from the dumpee and also knowing you can have someone back anytime you want kinda takes a lot of that pain away.

 

Leoc - I have to disagree. At least in my case, my ex's reaction made it much worse for me. I was heartbroken when I left, and to see him FINALLY caring when it was too late made the pain much, much worse.

 

 

I This is why I don't feel that whole the dumper was already healing beforehand is even a real thing. I think it was more about them getting up the courage to hurt someone they love.

 

It is not courage to hurt someone that makes the dumper leave. It is the pain, heartbreak, loneliness, and finally decided to put myself first that made me leave.

 

Everyone's situation is different and we all have our own POV. However, I can assure you that in my case (and my ex would confirm this) there were many things leading up to the break up and that while we both could have done more .... he wasn't willing to do so until it was too late. If I wanted to ever be happy, I had no choice but to leave.

[ivyvine]

Has he said why he stopped making the effort for the last two years? Are his reasons something which could have been rectified?

 

He has not said specifically why he stopped making an effort. He is a medical student so he spent an insane amount of time studying, and the few hours of free time he had he also spent on himself. There really wasn't much room for me in his life. He did tell me today that he felt I took what he did for granted. He admitted it wasn't much, but that he still felt unappreciated. To this I would say there may be a little truth to it, but they were all things that needed to be done around our apartment. I'm sorry if expecting him to do a chore or two a week when I do everything else is too much to ask of someone.

 

From what you've said there doesn't seem much hope He's said he wouldn't be willing to try it again. Have you asked him why he wouldn't be?

 

I have not. I think he holds a lot of anger towards me. About how the break-up happened and the awful timing, about my moving on to have a physical relationship with someone else rather quickly. He told me that the four months following our break-up was the worse time of his life and that it still took him almost six months to get over me.

 

We have a lot of communication issues. For example, just today he told me I had made it clear to him I didn't want to see him because I kept saying no to having dinner with him. Well, the last time he asked me out was a week before my birthday, I didn't know what my plans were at the time so I told him I wasn't sure yet (or something along those lines). He never followed up, so I assumed the offer was off the table. He said I should have contacted him.

 

If you got back together how would things be done differently this time, so that it lasts long term, or would the same problems be there?

 

This is the same question I ask myself. Things would certainly not be the same, the dynamics would be different and I'm not sure if this would be in a good way or bad way. I guess I don't really see myself getting back together with him in the near future, but deep down I hope that in a couple of years we may be able to revisit us .... ?

 

I was miserable. So very miserable. And I try to think about when things were bad ... but that doesn't help much either. I just know that my heart is breaking. I have removed him from my contacts on my phone (which really doesn't mean much because I know his number by heart) and hope that will help me to move forward. I sent him a long text message about this earlier and told him not to worry about getting these texts or calls anymore and his response was "I'm not worried about getting texts or calls. I still care for you but I can't be with you. You are the one who told me everything happens for a reason ...."

 

I don't even have any interest in dating right now. How do I move forward? How can I get my life back together? How do I make the pain go away?