quitting my job? moving on.....

[moosekaka]

OK, those who know my story know I have been having a tough time at work due to a breakup 3 months ago.

 

Today when I woke up I thought to myself I should start looking for another job, give up my phD studies here in socal (after 4 years, already advanced to candidacy) and move as far away as possible, looking for positions anywhere but preferably somewhere in north america.

 

Strangely, once I started thinking about this option, I started to feel lighter than I have been for the last month. I already quit once 3 months ago right after the breakup but changed my mind almost immediately because I did not want to do anything rash.

 

So I am posting for two reasons:

 

1) Any advice on how I should go about the job search while still working in the lab? My professor knows my difficulties and has given me time to get myself together. I guess I don't want to string him along but I think I will need some time to find a job in this economy. I'm in the biomedical engineering field by the way.

 

2) Is this a really dumb move? Running away and throwing away all those years because of a girl? I really tried the last two months to occupy myself as much as possible and have been completely NC with her, but I have been like a walking stiff at work and 0% productivity. I don't want to waste a year of my life like this.

 

3)I have talked to my therapist about this today and he says the reason I feel better is because I feel empowered by wanting to look for another job. I am scared though because I am not sure I can find one and also because of what my parents and family will think.

[Scottdmw]

The first thing I would say is definitely don't quit your current job until/unless you find a new one that truly seems better.

 

I know it is difficult. When I broke up with my fiancée five years ago it was very hard to keep going and doing the same things I had been doing, because everything reminded me of her. That does get easier with time.

 

It may be that it would be easier if you just left and moved somewhere new, although that path has its own costs also. It might not be too fun to be in a new area with absolutely no social network or support group.

 

I know that I've always felt better about issues when I decided to take some action. I think that just deciding on a course of action is empowering all by itself, it gets your mind from a position of helplessness to feeling there is something you can concretely do. However, maybe there is something else you could do that is less drastic and costly? You might be able to get the same feeling of strength by taking some other action. In my case, I decided to get serious about a couple of things I had been wanting to do but not doing in my life. I started seriously studying a foreign language and seriously practicing piano with the goal of public performance. In my case, deciding and carrying out on those courses of action helped. Maybe there is something like that you could do too?

 

Another idea. You could “move” without leaving your position. Get out of your apartment or wherever you live because it probably reminds you of her. Move to a nearby town. You will have a longer commute but you may be able to get far enough to feel like you are in a different place.

 

Best wishes

 

Scott

[moosekaka]

The first thing I would say is definitely don't quit your current job until/unless you find a new one that truly seems better.

 

I know it is difficult. When I broke up with my fiancée five years ago it was very hard to keep going and doing the same things I had been doing, because everything reminded me of her. That does get easier with time.

 

It may be that it would be easier if you just left and moved somewhere new, although that path has its own costs also. It might not be too fun to be in a new area with absolutely no social network or support group.

 

Best wishes

 

Scott

 

thank you for your advice. The first thing is that I have NO support network here, my family is in another country and most likely I am thinking of moving back in with my parents for a while.

 

Its being 3 months and in that time I have tried many many different things and learnt/picked up many new things I would never have tried in order to expand my social network and get out of my comfort zone.

 

I feel I really tried to soldier on and no job is worth feeling like this, because I can feel like I am slowly dying every time I go back to work.

[Scottdmw]

Ah, if you have no social support network where you are it's understandable why you might want to move somewhere you do. For that reason it might be helpful to move back in with your family. On the other hand, if you did that would you have something to do on a daily basis? I know for myself being bored and lacking useful activity made things worse not better. It was very important to keep my mind on something.

 

I guess another question would be, is your job the problem or was the breakup the problem?

 

If you felt unhappy about your job prior to the breakup, that's a sign that perhaps the breakup is just a precipitating event that's encouraging you to do what you already wanted to. However, if you were happy with your job before the breakup, that might be a sign that it's actually a good job for you and you will someday feel that way again when you recover from the break up.

 

I know it can be tough to soldier on as you say. There have been an awful lot of days for me where it was all I could do to keep moving forward. It really does get better! Whatever you decide, SOME DAY you will come to a point where you will be happy again, guaranteed.

 

Scott

[moosekaka]

Ah, if you have no social support network where you are it's understandable why you might want to move somewhere you do. For that reason it might be helpful to move back in with your family. On the other hand, if you did that would you have something to do on a daily basis? I know for myself being bored and lacking useful activity made things worse not better. It was very important to keep my mind on something.

 

I guess another question would be, is your job the problem or was the breakup the problem?

 

If you felt unhappy about your job prior to the breakup, that's a sign that perhaps the breakup is just a precipitating event that's encouraging you to do what you already wanted to. However, if you were happy with your job before the breakup, that might be a sign that it's actually a good job for you and you will someday feel that way again when you recover from the break up.

 

I know it can be tough to soldier on as you say. There have been an awful lot of days for me where it was all I could do to keep moving forward. It really does get better! Whatever you decide, SOME DAY you will come to a point where you will be happy again, guaranteed.

 

Scott

 

Scott, I will be honest, I was already having motivational problems with the job as I did not find myself really interested enough to complete the research. I guess I felt very alive again working with her and was like a superman in the lab when I had her. Yes I admit she was a crutch for my own insecurities but I did develop real feelings for her as I did invest my time,energy and knowledge with her.

 

Basically, I don't really like my job, but I like it here where I am (or used to) as obviously socal is a very nice place. So yes I am conflicted about leaving but the last 3 months has only made it clear to me that I can't continue working in the lab.

 

If I do move back, I fully intend to spend my time looking for a job or just doing something useful, I am not the couch potato kind of guy.

 

Again, thank you for taking the time to offer your advice, I really appreciate it.

[Exit]

It would probably be best to be open and honest with your professor, if he already knows you have some issues going on then you have a head start. Just tell him you're bouncing around the idea in your head that you might start looking for something else, and you aren't certain at all yet, but you're going to be keeping an eye out.

 

Really the slow job market might be to your advantage right now, since it will probably take a while to find anything, you won't be able to make a rash decision anyway. Slowly explore your options, don't make it seem to anyone like it's a guarantee that you'll be leaving your job within the next few months, just say you're considering making some changes.

 

I don't think it's a stupid idea, but that's just my personality type. I admire people who have the nerve to pick up and go and try something new. People who set out with a few suitcases and find a place to start over. Sometimes being around the same people, in the same home, in the same job, can just feel like hammering away at the same stone and never making any progress. You start to get tunnel vision and get trapped trying to figure out how you can improve things in your current situation, and it's easy to forget there's a whole wide world out there. Our society seems to be all about setting down roots and staying put, and people who think there is nothing more to life than money or job security would scoff at the idea of making a risky moving like picking up and going somewhere to start over.

 

I don't think it'll do any harm to just look. Think of a few areas where you'd like to see if there are any jobs, look around online, or maybe call some places and just say you aren't immediately relocating but you're just curious how their local job market is and if they think you'd be able to find anything. You may very well do a few days of research and come to find that there isn't much available and maybe you'll feel like you need to stay put instead.

 

Another idea would be just trying to go on a vacation before you consider any permanent move. Go take in some new scenery and try to gauge if you really think you could make a move like that for good.

 

Nothing wrong with considering your options and your therapist makes a good point that it should feel empowering to start thinking about what you want to do for yourself instead of feeling too stuck in the past.

Edited February 6, 2012 by Exit