spicolli Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 I don't know if this is my goodbye to loveshack story but it just may be. I don't know how to post a link to my back story but you can always click my name if interested. Anyway, the ex's dad passed away recently, and she contacted me to tell me. First time in 8 months since th b/u she initiated contact (She has been with her ex the whole time). We had been nc for about 4 months. I told her how sorry I am, but that I didn't wanna talk anymore bc it was too hard, and I want to put myself first. Well that started to eat at me, bc I didn't feel right about not talking to her during such a hard time. So this morning I texted, telling her its the last she will hear from me, but if she needs to talk she can text me. I feel so good after doing that. No more anxiety, no more worrying about her contacting me NOTHING! Im free! Im finally f******ng free! Im going out tonight to celebrate. And I will be working the charm Hahaha. one last thing to say, HUGE THANKS TO EXIT! you're a lifesaver man! take care everyone! I know ill be back, but it wont be to start a thread about her! Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 I am happy for how you are feeling at the moment. But your response left the door open for her. Your statement pretty much said "I wont initiate contact but will respond if you do." Is that what you were intending? As it reads you want to talk to her, but want her to make the first move. I certainly hope things work out for you in this, but it certainly looks like you're just at a high point right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 (edited) Haha I'm not sure you owe me any thank yous but you're welcome. I'm having a crappy day so it's nice to see someone thought of me. I'm kind of rounding the same corner you are right now. Had a little bit of contact with my ex but realizing it's just BS and trying to push myself to be "done". I do agree with Philosoraptor though, I'm not entirely sure why you wanted to leave that door open for her again. I guess I partially understand, as I saw in your last thread, you have sympathy for what she's going through right now, but as we discussed, you shouldn't want to be her emotional support after she ran back to her ex after dumping your 2 year relationship down the drain. If she takes the opening that you gave her, and ends up reaching out when she is struggling with the loss of her father again, it'll be like a repeat of the last thread that you posted, where she's texting you and making small talk and it's messing with your head. Let her ex, or current boyfriend, be the one to take care of her. I know it's hard, but you kind of did the same thing again where you send out this message like "hey I know you left me for that other great guy, but if you ever wanna waste my time by coming to me for some emotional support, you know where to find me!". But I guess I understand, if you would have felt too guilty to just silently go no contact again while she has this stuff going on in her life, if you feel it alleviated some of your guilt and set you free by offering to talk, then so be it. Whatever the case, you already said it, so there's no real point over-analyzing it. With any luck, hopefully she won't take you up on your offer, and she won't bother you anymore. If she does, you have to be fully accepting that you have set yourself up in the "friend" position, and if you hear from her, it means she wants to talk about her dad, or make small talk about the new dog that you got, and nothing more. And you'll have to either be okay with that and accept that she just wants a texting buddy, or you'll need to ignore it and move on. If she reaches out again, don't let yourself start thinking that there is something wrong in her relationship or that she misses you. Frankly if she went back to someone after 2 years away from them, there must be some feelings between those two people, and your safest bet would just be to assume they may very well be back together for a long time. All that aside, I do really hope this is a turning point for you and not just a temporary high. Even if it is, we all have our moments where we shout "I'm done" from the rooftops and then find ourselves feeling down again a few days later. It's all part of the process. If you find yourself feeling bad, remind yourself that I, and many others, are going through the exact same thing. My world lit up again when my ex contacted me, but as of today, I'm being forced to get real about it and realize there's nothing there, and I have NO idea what her motivation was to even speak to me, but clearly it's not to get back together. In your last thread you said it feels like breaking up all over again. That's how I feel right now with my situation too, and it sucks. We allowed it to happen though. You also said you were doing great with NC, therapy, breaking bad habits, so now you just have to find your way back onto that path again. I'm experiencing the same thing. I wasn't feeling like a million bucks or anything, but a few short weeks ago I was at least doing "okay". Then the contact started, and I haven't been exercising, been buying cigarettes again, all because I need some relief from my racing thoughts about why did this girl agree to talk to me and then jerk me around again. So not only do I need to get back on the right track again, I need to undo some of the same damage I already fixed. I had stopped smoking, was on a diet, and as I sit here right now I feel like a fat piece of garbage who smells like an ash tray lol. It really sucks. But our exes talked to us and we couldn't resist. And we got burned. Much like you said at the end of your other post, "I'm feel like I give great advice but never know what to do myself". I'm right there with you. I can respond to threads all day long and see it from an outside perspective and try to tell people what I think they should do. That's the trick, to try to get that outside perspective on our own situations, instead of looking at it from our painful position within the situation. If someone posted a thread with the exact same situation that I'm experiencing, with a decent period of NC followed by some promising contact that leads nowhere, I'd know to tell them to give it up. But in my own situation, I find ways to be the whiny baby who won't let go. Back to square one... Edited February 3, 2012 by Exit Link to post Share on other sites
Author spicolli Posted February 3, 2012 Author Share Posted February 3, 2012 TThanks for the replies guys. I have to keep this short bc im still at work, but I want to get this out while the feeling is still fresh. It does seem as though I left the door open for contact, however, that contact will only be from her end and I know she is happy with her guy and also too stubborn to contact me. The only reason I said that she could contact me (which I made sure in a roundabout way to let her know) is if she wants to talk about her dad she certainly can. The guilt of leaving her at this time was too much for me, and I measure the character of a person by being able to ignore the injustices done to them and rise up when needed. So I decided to send that text to alleviate some of that nasty guilt I had been carrying. I know I am done at this point. It may be a temporary high, but I will never be back at the low I was due to this girl. Ever. I have already convinced myself that they will marry, so trust me when I say I wont be holding onto hope. She can text me if she wishes but I have the power to ignore her, and explained in a previous thread why I hadn't done so this time around. Also exit, I would like to let you know you ABSOLUTELY deserve the thanks I gave you bc I re read your message so many times when I was feeling this gut wrenching guilt, and it helped more than you may ever know. I also don't think you're doing as bad as you may believe, and ill tell you why I say that. when you talked about how you were falling back into bad habits, you said something to the effect of, 'and I smell like an ashtray lol.' Some may find that statement meaningless, but I think the seemingly benign lol at the end proves that you are able to find the humor and hope in these trying times. I don't know about you but when I was really down, I would just say things like, but no one is ever gonna ****ing love me again. And that statement would be sincere. No lol, no Hahaha, nothing, I believed it. You may be down now, but life isn't about how many times you get knocked down, its about how many times you get back up and keep fighting. I wish you all the best man. Ill still be around to comment and to heed advice, it will just be with a new found optimism. Link to post Share on other sites
Ajax Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 The guilt of leaving her at this time was too much for me, and I measure the character of a person by being able to ignore the injustices done to them and rise up when needed. So I decided to send that text to alleviate some of that nasty guilt I had been carrying. What a terrible trick we play on ourselves when we feel guilty for not being there for someone who left us. Link to post Share on other sites
RonChalant Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 how long were her and her ex together before you two got together Link to post Share on other sites
Author spicolli Posted February 4, 2012 Author Share Posted February 4, 2012 About a year. She left him for me, and painted him VERY BLACK. Before you jump on me for being a homewrecker I did not get involved at that type of level until she broke up with him altogether. Link to post Share on other sites
RonChalant Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 from what i can tell and have come to find out...usually if a woman tells you all these bad things about thier ex, they still have feeling for them and are trying to convince themselves that they have done the right thing. what sucks is when they pop back into the picture its a complete surprise to you. im on the end of the situation where I myself am the ex and she for the most part tells a pretty bleek story about me and how im distrustworthy blah blah so she's with some other guy who she apparently loves now...yet she still has a massive amount of feeling for me. we shall see how things go in the future but if things turn out like they seem to, he may end up blind sided by her coming back to me...trying to anyway. then again she may very well marry this dude...the talk of her loving him really grinds my gears...but what can you do. In your situation...the age gap was pretty severe...**** it...find someone else. easier said than done BELIEVE ME I KNOW and i hate when people tell me the same thing, but...**sigh** unfortunately its what has to happen. women dont REALLY miss you until they see that your better of than when they left you. i've been hitting the gym and just started taking akido classes in hopes that the next time i see my ex i am a completely different person both physically and mentally...ok this has become more about me than your issue lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author spicolli Posted February 4, 2012 Author Share Posted February 4, 2012 If I were you I wouldn't keep in contact with your ex at all. You're probably just filling a gap of familiarity for her. Plus if you're initiating contact while they are together its pretty disrespectful. He use to do it all the time, and all I remember thinking was how pathetic this kid is. It wasn't like she would text me when they were together, she would just tell me how much better I am than he, while we were together. But you know what? I am better than this guy. In every conceivable way, just not for her, and in this situation that's all that matters. I have no ill will towards either of them, and if they break up tmrw or marry and have a litter of little kids, it doesn't make me any more or less single, and it isn't going to deter my path to happiness. I had an awesome time last night, didn't even go out but one of my buddies came over and we just had a bunch of fun. Tonight having some people over to watch the fight. Still not coming down from my high.. the only way out is through! one more thing... WAR CONDIT! (Big mma nerd) Link to post Share on other sites
RonChalant Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 I'm def not going to be contacting her believe me. I sent her a Xmas present I got her months ago that needed to get out of my closet along with a letter stating that I never wanted to hear from or see her again. It wasn't a mean letter just stated that I can't be friends like she really wants to be, and that I will always think of myself as number 2 and I'm not going to put myself through that torture. She more less has moved in with the dude which blows my life, but at the same time I'm kinda glad that she's finally "happy" even if it is ignorant bliss. Hey she could be genuinely happy though, in either case I'm glad she's not moping around anymore. She has...emotional issues that quite honestly I don't think to many people can deal with. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe her and this dude will get married and have a kid...I've kinda convinced myself that's what's going to happen to force myself to move on and better my damn self. Secretly I want her back...but I want her to prove to. Me that I'm number one over this guy...who knows what's going to happen in the future regarding us. I keep having dreams about her where I'm a) not as attracted to her b) not happy when I'm with her c) where I've either come close to or actually did hit her (I've never struck her in real life but in my dreams all the anger I have towards the situation comes out) d) she tries to manipulate me every chance she gets and I realize she a "bad person". If you want to know my LONG story go the the "second chances" forum and read "Really Long REALLY DRAMATIC" but I warn you...it's really long...and well...really dramatic lmao Link to post Share on other sites
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