Surrendering to God? ( Long)

[iamtastee]

I was never a religious individual. I always had a sense of spirituality (believed in a higher power), and have struggled to maintain a personal relationship with God,but the whole concept of organized religion seemed phony and corrupt to me. I once tried to explain this to my Christian mother (I was raised Baptist), and she fell to her knees to pray for me-she feared that I was becoming an atheist. I withheld my ideology from my mother after that, for I didn't want her to feel as if she had Satan himself living in her very household.

 

However, for the past 10 years of my life, I have been unhappy. Even during a few times when things seemed to look up for me,my world was quickly disrupted with chaos and mayhem. Most people simply disregard it as "just the way life is." But that ideal does not satisfy me. I went through a phase of feeling sorry for myself until I decided to look inward. I sought awareness of my faults and the guidance and strength to change them. Things were going okay for a while until my mother was diagnosed with AML (Acute Malignant Leukemia) in 2000. She went into remission in 2001,but had a relapse in 2002 resulting in her death on June 26,2002. I watched the woman that bore me and loved me unconditionally die all within a few minutes. I hugged her and kissed her good-bye. I was very angry with God. However,I needed faith to keep me going,and decided to try to reestablish my relationship with Him.

 

I am now reading Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life,and it has indeed enlightened me. The book has answered so many questions I had that no other "Christian" could explain thoroughly. For instance,I would ask someone "Why did my Mama have to leave me?" There answer almost ALWAYS was: "She is in a better place now." I heard that so much until I wanted to puke! Oh yeah,NOW I feel better .The book explains that God has our lives planned even before we are conceived-no mistakes. OK,I can buy that,but here is my reason for posting:

 

We are supposed to surrender to God. Our pride,self-centered-Ness,self-righteousness, and arrogance should not exist. My mother did this her entire life. I know people tend to idealize and portray lost loved ones as angelic beings,but this woman truly walked in the path of the Lord. She spent years in a physically,mentally,and verbally abusive relationship with my father. She NEVER harbored or wished any ill treatment of him. Even when they eventually separated,she still treated him with respect as a guest in our home. I,along with my siblings despised him,and could not understand how she could treat someone so kindly who treated her so badly. Her ideology: "God will judge him,not me!" When my father first left,we faced quite a few hardships. Often,the house would be in danger of fore-closure. Water,lights, and gas would be disconnected. My mother made very little money,and we were young. Of course,these things would bother her,but she would always say "God will make a way,I won't worry about it." And low and behold,things would be handled and taken care of-for a little while. She spent most of her adult life living in fear,in misery,in financial strain. When she finally got rid of my father and we were old enough to help her out with money,very soon after-she got very sick and passed away.

 

My mother surrendered to God her entire life,but lived most of it in unhappiness and discomfort. My father, on the other hand, was an abusive bastard who is still healthy as a horse; although he has lived a life of drunkenness,promiscuity,and smokes a pack a day. I want to surrender to God,but it will be hard. Has anyone else found themselves in a similar mental/spiritual dilemma?

[UCFKevin]

Yeah.

 

Do what you feel is right and live your life that way.

[iamtastee]

Thanks for the reply UCFKevin.

 

I'm trying to do that,but after having loss my mom,I tend to want to go into different directions at different intervals. Some days I want to become a humble servant, and on others I want to do what it appears that most people do- anything I have to do to survive and acquire success,and pity those who get in my way.

[Curt]

Surely,

 

There are times when we all feel the ebb and flow of life, and wonder about the "big" questions that surround our own lives, and the lives of our families.

 

That your family (headed by your mom) endured with great faith and devotion to God's will in your lives, proves that she knew the right path.

 

There are lessons to be learned in every fortune and misfortune bestowed upon us in our lifetimes.

 

The real test comes in our willingness to open our hearts, and hear God's voice speak to us ... to learn His will for our lives. Your mother heard His voice clearly, and regretted neither her own decisions nor the learning experiences that happened to both herself, and her family. The ultimate tests of life were placed before her ... and she passed them all with flying colors.

 

Even in her death, you can be sure that she earned a place in The Lord's Book of Life. She now knows what true happiness and contentment is all about.

 

Keep your faith, as she kept hers, and trust in God. It is in the darkest hours that we must hold steadfast to His word.

 

Take time to peacefully listen to your heart. He speaks to us every day, and sends His love in ways we can only sometimes recognize.

 

God Bless, and may His perfect peace fill your life.

 

Curt

[DaiseyEyes]

I have been questioning the existence of God for quite some time now. I have come to believe that people should do what feels right for them. Although your mother may have had to deal with a lot of difficult situations, she was able to find comfort in religion and that is probably what kept her going. Although she was in pain, I'm sure she took great comfort in believing that the Lord would reward her in the end. You need to find what makes you happy and I'm sure you will also be rewarded with the strength and inner peace that your mother had.