lolita jade Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Although I am now used to separation and my husband found someone soon, when I thought we were trying, when he still had feelings for me. I am worried that he is in the marital home with my 20 year old son and is never there, as he is always staying over with his OW. My 23 year old daughter, who lives with her BF, 60 miles away, says he does not phone her either. My ex said he would stay friends with me and help me etc. Needless to say, he hasn't been in touch at all. I have been through the heart ache and why's and wherefore's on the break up forum of NC, gigs, rebound etc. I now worry my son is living in a batchelor pad of passing ships in the night with my ex and think my ex is so busy in his honeymoon phase, thinks his family doesn't exist. Its all about 'his new family' as he put it. The OW has 3 kids, which I find odd my husband would want to put up with or take on as he doesnt like other peoples kids. Is this natural? Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 I don't know if it is natural, Lolita. but I have seen it all too frequently. My XH does not really stay in touch with my 21 y/o son and I think he will regret that. I have read male posters on here say their children live with the OM and who knows about the OM's kids...probably with W or XW and she might be in a similar situation as yours. Can your son live with you? He might have some stability that way. Anyway, it is tough, I know. I hope it gets better for you. You are farther than me. I am still feeling the heartbreak. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita jade Posted February 5, 2012 Author Share Posted February 5, 2012 My son still lives in marital home. He could live with me but as it has been his home since he was 2, it is what he knows. He has a friend stay there also sometimes which makes it more of a batchelor pad and friends round for drinks etc. I just worry as it is not grounded for him, with healthy meals etc. He just eats take aways and pasta. I cook for him once a week, which is real quality time. I am not totally over the heartache. I get relapses at I was with my husband 25 yrs. I have lost my best friend. I havent seen him or spoken to him. He is totally into other woman. Poor you. Your husband is avoiding your son. Why do they get so selfish? Does the honeymoon phase make them forget those closest to them? I am not talking about me but your kids is a different matter. It is so hard dealing with the heartache. Especially after so long. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 Poor you. Your husband is avoiding your son. Why do they get so selfish? Does the honeymoon phase make them forget those closest to them? I am not talking about me but your kids is a different matter. It must. It appears seamless how they go from one life to the next. Their marriage is yesterday's news. It is so hard dealing with the heartache. Especially after so long I understand. I was married for 22 years, moved only 8 days ago and while the problems with the infidelity started last June and these past 8 months have been very difficult, I still find myself just so sad. I'm trying, but it is hard. Best to you. I hope things get easier for you. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Your son is 20 years old. He is an adult. He is quite old enough to decide for himself what he eats, where he lives, who he associates with etc. Why shouldn't he live in a bachelor pad... he is a bachelor? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita jade Posted February 6, 2012 Author Share Posted February 6, 2012 I understand what you are saying peg nose but this is his family home, not a student pad. My husband is out all the time, so does not see him. My husband also doesn't contact my daughter at all. That was my query. It is normal for a man in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship to ignore his kids, regardless of how old they are, bearing in mind that before the OW he used to be in there lives so much. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 It is normal for a man in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship to ignore his kids, Nope it just means he's an idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita jade Posted February 6, 2012 Author Share Posted February 6, 2012 thanks rob, thats what i was hoping for. he is an idiot. i am feeling incredible guilt as i cant do anything about it. my kids are suffering to his blindness. he genuinely thinks he has a new family. 3 kids! when his are adult and he has independence again. maybe he feels young again. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 I believe that my XH will regret not trying to have a close relationship with our son. My son knows what has happened, but I don't dog his dad to him. However, he has seen my XH scream at me and call me f***** *itch when he tried to get my annuity and he couldn't. That must have been hard for him to see. He has lost a lot of respect for his dad, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love him. XH just said he didn't think he would have a relationship with our son and that's the way it would be. Idiot is right, rob. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 I understand what you are saying peg nose but this is his family home, not a student pad. Then you do not understand what I am saying. Your son is an adult. It is up to him to decide how he lives. If he is not happy with the state of the house or the living arrangements then it is up to him to either change it or get off his butt and find somewhere else to live. If he asks for your help then you can give it. But if not, butt out - it's not your business. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita jade Posted February 7, 2012 Author Share Posted February 7, 2012 That is a man's perspective on a break up Peg nose. Women tend to be sympathetic towards the situation and feel guilty and helpless at the family splitting up, regardless of the age of the children, the woman has a strong maternal bond and its probably in our make up to be carer/ nurturers as in a man you are the hunter/ gatherers. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 That is a man's perspective on a break up Peg nose. Women tend to be sympathetic towards the situation and feel guilty and helpless at the family splitting up, regardless of the age of the children, the woman has a strong maternal bond and its probably in our make up to be carer/ nurturers as in a man you are the hunter/ gatherers. Mmm, there are enough stories of women selfishly following their own abandon and busting up families on here to disprove your assertion. And some women are better hunter/gatherers, whereas some men are better carers/nurturers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita jade Posted February 7, 2012 Author Share Posted February 7, 2012 I was only innocently asking as I was worred that my husband is ignoring our kids and I get told to mind my own business and women can be like men. The meaning of this thread was to highlight that my ex, during his honeymoon phase is ignoring our kids and I am worried for them. If people are going to start laying into me I will making anymore threads on this site. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 lolita jade- I'm definitely not laying into you. So I hope my tone didn't come off as too aggressive. I guess I was just reacting to general assumptions made on this board about male/female behaviors/logic, and I don't mean to make your comment as the lightning rod. Believe me, I have nothing but empathy for you, as I am on a similar path as you. The selfishness, vindictive hurt that our spouses inflict on us...ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita jade Posted February 7, 2012 Author Share Posted February 7, 2012 i was just stating how generally women are in a break up, where the family is split. i wasn't putting men down but whether we like it or not usually there is a difference in how nature made us. i was just explaining to peg nose that a woman usually feels compassion towards her kids no matter how old they are and wouldn't just think it is nothing to do with us if our ex's our not contacting or seeing our children or if our kids are eating badly etc. i am not over possessive either just have my kids feelings at heart. yes it is hard for all of us on here. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 (edited) Come on you've got to be kidding me. It does not matter whether I am a man or a woman... your "child" is an adult. Unless he has some mental disability, he is perfectly able to make his own decisions and is quite old enough to understand what has happened. You say you're trying to make me understand how you feel as a woman but have you stopped to tthink about how he feels? He is a man. Maybe he feels like me, that he is old enough to make his own decisions? You need to stop trying to control his life and protecting him from reality. Your marriage has broken down. That does not mean he is no longer your son or will no longer maintain a relationship with you. But where he chooses to live and how he chooses to lead his life are NOT yours to decide. He is an ADULT and it is up to him to make his own decisions in life. If you mollycoddle him too much you will risk putting your own relationship with him in jeopardy -- nobody likes an overprotective mother. Edited February 8, 2012 by PegNosePete Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 So I'm clear... Your H met someone after you separated and apparently has been going back and forth between you and her while you were 'trying to work on things' during the separation. Your H and your son live in the 'marital home' and H is often gone to the other lady's house. You live elsewhere. Your daughter lives with her BF 60 miles away. Your concerns are that your H has completely changed his attitude regarding and interactions with your children and you wonder if this has to do with the 'honeymoon period' of his new relationship. To me, this sound a lot like a typical separation with adult children and third parties involved. The family is, essentially, broken apart and changed forever. Everyone is dealing with it in their own way. Life will never be the same again. I doubt your H has changed his elemental feelings for/with your children. He's processing this change in the family dynamic in his own way. It apparently distresses you. That's valid. My advice is to have faith in the parenting you and he gave your children and believe that this very upsetting time will not deter them from becoming the adults your parenting enabled. Is this natural? I'm in my 50's and have seen a number of divorces up close and am divorced myself, both with and without third parties involved. I have to say what I'm hearing from you sounds more 'normal' than 'abnormal'. Painful and upsetting, to be sure. Life is like that sometimes. It'll get better. Have faith. Link to post Share on other sites
maybealone Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 It is unfortunate that your husband is not spending time working on his relationship with your son, since it must be a difficult time for your son. But I don't think his behavior is odd. I know lots of intact families where, when the kids hit their teen years, the parents start going out all the time like they did in their pre-kid days. They usually feel like the kids no longer need babysitters and have lives of their own anyway, so they might as well start doing the things they put on hold while the kids were younger. Your husband probably feels that at 20 years old, your son can be responsible for himself. Your son might not be all that responsible when it comes to meals, partying, and so on, but that's pretty normal for a 20-year-old. And if he was living in a dorm or an apartment, it wouldn't be any different. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita jade Posted February 9, 2012 Author Share Posted February 9, 2012 Thanks everyone for your advice. Most was very helpful Peg nose, I do not molly coddle my son at all. I think I have heard enough on this subject now thanks. It has gone from a simple asking if my husband is acting normal throwing himself into his new relationship and ignoring his kids to some on here questioning my parenting skills. Why do some people on here get so personal, when they do not even know you or your situation in any depth? It is advice and support we need Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 I am not questioning your parenting skills. Although I am not sure why you think you parenting skills are relevant - your son is an adult so your adult-to-adult interpersonal skills would be much more important then your parenting skills. The fact is, you cannot do anything to force your ex husband to talk to your son or daughter. He is his own person and makes his own choices. You can only work on your own relationship with them, and I think by treating your son more like an adult your relationship will improve. I was a 20 year old man not so long ago so I am trying to help you from experience here, not criticize. The thing I most hated was being told how to live, what to eat, etc. The more you try to influence his choices, the more he will rebel and do the opposite of what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
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