I loved my fwb and so betrayed him pettily

[zanzi]

Now all I want to do is call. Call and hear his voice that sounds younger over the phone, that makes me feel happy and depressed at the same time.

 

I have resisted the urge for about four days now to call him, it feels somewhat like an emotional hurricane tearing through me and I am holding on and staring wild eyed at the phone but saying " no" to all my feelings. My insides are screaming at me.

 

I know he hates me though I haven't spoken to him in a couple of weeks. ( I told his real gf about us) because I TOLD her. And in the end it was pointless. I was venomous, petty. Vengeful. I was deadly jealous.The only one who was hurt by my actions is me. He's a cheater of his gf right, I thought he deserved it. In my memory he is perfect, and good sometimes too. Beautiful but hurtful to me. I don't know what is wrong with me I have never acted so pathetic before. Resisting the urge to call with all my might. I don't know whether I am genuinely sorry for telling her about us or if I just regret that he hates me now. People have been ribbing me, saying its my self esteem, and its my fault. I guess it is. But things can't get any worse then they are if I called him, right?

[MissBee]

Please don't call. What are you going to say? Chances are you will feel a lot worse.

 

I know the feeling. This situation was NO GOOD for you and you broke...now you're going through guilt. It's normal. But you need to ride it out and as time goes by you'll realize you had to end it for your sanity! When we do the right thing it doesn't always feel right and then we are quick to chastise ourselves and put this other person on a pedestal and scramble around trying to undo it. Don't give into it.

 

If he hates you.....too bad for him! Your friends are right, your self esteem has/is taking a beating. You yourself feel pathetic. I have been there. But leaving this person alone is the first step to building yourself back up so that you can overtime see clearly how low you stooped and how they aren't that great. That is one advice I wish I knew...so I tell everyone, if you can keep NC and ride out your feelings, the less likely you are to stoop lower and do things you regret like: apologizing when you did NOTHING wrong, begging for friendship (when they were never your friend to begin with), all kinds of bargaining, hooking up for breakup sex then feeling like a complete fool and the list goes on. If you keep NC and allow yourself to ride through those feelings of wanting to call...you won't live to regret it and IF you do ever need to speak with them again, it can come from a place of balance versus frantic emotions.

 

Please believe me. If you have to, write emails to him with all you want to say, but DON'T send them. Express yourself but don't reach out to him when you're at this low place where you feel like he is so amazing and you have on the post-break-up-goggles-of-delusion.

[Auntie Em]

I think what you did was an act that he may not be able to forgive, but you are incorrect when you said the only one hurt by this was you. His girlfriend was hurt too; not by you telling her, but by what he did to her. She should have that information so she can make an informed decision on her life. He may be back if his girlfriend decides not to forgive him. He may then come to you as he knows you love him. Someone who is just friends with benefits wouldn't have told his girlfriend because a person who is friends with benefits wouldn't get jealous.

 

I do hope you and he used protection and if you didn't, please make sure his girlfriend knows that too so she can get tested. You may not be the only one who was a friend with benefits.

 

Does he know how much you care for him? How long was your situation (friends with benefits)? Why does he stay with his girlfriend (since they aren't married and it is much easier for him to leave that situation instead of being married and needing to get a divorce)?

 

He may not want to hear from you right now, so my advice would be to wait and let him contact you.

[whichwayisup]

Now all I want to do is call. Call and hear his voice that sounds younger over the phone, that makes me feel happy and depressed at the same time.

 

I have resisted the urge for about four days now to call him, it feels somewhat like an emotional hurricane tearing through me and I am holding on and staring wild eyed at the phone but saying " no" to all my feelings. My insides are screaming at me.

 

Listen to your gut. You know it's over, you ended it (whether it be for revenge, reaction, in hopes she'd throw him out and he'd come to you, or maybe you did this to free yourself from this mess and drama in your life..) and now you need to let go and leave him alone. He was never 'yours', he was with someone else and you told her the truth. She's hurting, feeling betrayed, her world has been turned upside down..

 

I know he hates me though I haven't spoken to him in a couple of weeks. ( I told his real gf about us) because I TOLD her. And in the end it was pointless. I was venomous, petty. Vengeful. I was deadly jealous.The only one who was hurt by my actions is me. He's a cheater of his gf right, I thought he deserved it. In my memory he is perfect, and good sometimes too. Beautiful but hurtful to me. I don't know what is wrong with me I have never acted so pathetic before. Resisting the urge to call with all my might. I don't know whether I am genuinely sorry for telling her about us or if I just regret that he hates me now. People have been ribbing me, saying its my self esteem, and its my fault. I guess it is. But things can't get any worse then they are if I called him, right?

 

DO NOT CALL HIM. Yes, he more than likely hates your guts right now and if you call, be prepared for his anger and venom. You lost him the minute you opened your mouth to her so do NOT hold hope that he will forgive you and ask you to continue the A or even dump his gf and end up with you. Say goodbye, make peace with your decision and move on. Find a guy who is single.

 

Though I do have to ask. You knew from the beginning he had a girlfriend, yes? So why all the jealously? Most who are in affairs or seeing someone who has a gf/bf, accept that fact and don't have freak outs and jealously fits/bursts.. Why put yourself IN a situation where you KNOW the guy is with someone else to begin with?

[zanzi]

I didn't know about her until about three weeks in to the wild shagging sessions we were having.

by then, I was already getting that feral, obsessed look in my eyes that women get when they know they have made a wildly inappropriate decision and are starting to regret it because now they have feelings for the aggressor. When he finally told me about her I gave him HELL about it for weeks. Wild hell.

Oh believe me, I did not approve.

I then tried to get rid of him. I told him he was a human lump of poo. I told him " stop using me." I frantically deleted and then re added his number. I once got drunk at his house and told him his girlfriend sounded like a " naive little idiot." if she thought he'd " somehow be faithful when shes not even in the same country anymore." He said I was a bitch, then denied he'd said it. I wanted them to be DONE and FINITO. I became slightly psychotically desperate in my desire to stop this obsession with an older man who was obviously some kind of wildy deluded pervert. But I had these crazy ideas that now she was gone, I would have him. After all who was there to stop me, his old bag of an ex? In a way, I both hated and loved him.

One minute I was scolding him. The next we were cuddled up and I was happily rubbing his sore back, or making him squirm. Both extremely happy ( well not really me, I was always suffering him.) If you get me. All to try and GAIN his love and crush my opponent. I was obsessed, I lived for the good moments. I HAD to prove that my recent ex was wrong, that I can be loved and lovable even by a guy like him.

I have some issues that medication tries to fix. I'm sorry, I had to get that rant out. I have been told so many times " You cant be loved."

Also, I have in the past suffered from becoming obsessed with my partner in an unhealthy way. And have always had low self esteem. The two are related, I think.

[KathyM]

Rather than making excuses for why you have so low of expectations in a man, or why you would accept so little, why don't you decide to change your thinking and start believing you do deserve better? There is a whole world of men out there that don't behave this way (cheats on their SO, uses women). Why do you think you don't deserve one of those--someone who can give you what you really want and need--a real relationship. You don't need to settle for scraps. No man is worth that. You did the right thing by telling the gf. Now do the right thing for yourself by letting this guy go. He's not worth trying to hang onto.