i broke NC and she wont engage

[moosekaka]

OK guys, I bit the bullet,figured since I'm leaving I might as well try to engage her in one last convo for some closure. Guess what? after 3 months of NC, she tells me she won't engage in non work related convo, wont answer any personal questions whatsoever and acts like I am dead to her.

 

I guess this is the sharp kick in the nuts I need to go. I really can't see myself staying on now. I even asked her if I leave the lab can I say goodbye to her and she said I can say goodbye in a group, not alone. My god I really lost this girl forever its like I'm a child molester in her eyes.

[g450]

Dont feel bad. Been divorced two years now and I realized about a year ago that I will never get the closure I need from her. She will never have the decency or courage to tell me why she wanted to leave and why she decided to cheat. Sadly, many of us are in that boat. Some will never face their demons.

 

The best thing to do is live your life as best you can and try to make the nightmare a long forgoten memory. Live knowing that you will probably never get what you need from her and dont let it eat you away. Just think of her as broken because in most respects that is exactly what she is. But she is not your problem anymore so see that as a positive.

[moosekaka]

I cried my eyes out....3 months after the breakup not once could I cry and now I am crying like a baby.....maybe this is my release...I hope so

[stitch702]

Forget about her. If someone doesn't at least have the respect or decency to end thing amicably or on civil terms they don't deserve anymore of your time. Don't let anyone ever treat you less than what you believe you are worth. I believe closure ultimately comes from within and occurs when you are truly ready to let them go. Nothing she can say will ever really give you closure, the only closure you can truly find is acknowledging that the relationship is over and may never come back. You cannot control what she does or feels so it is best to let go and move on. Eventually you will find someone better, someone more deserving of your love.

[moosekaka]

its weird huh, not once in 3 months could I cry. now I am super emotional and every sad thought makes me cry. I just feel like someone I knew died in a car accident and I never got a chance to say goodbye.

[Frank13]

Breaking NC is a gamble as you can see, but I can see why you did it in your case. Sorry it turned out like this.

[perfectlyflawed459]

Moosekaka I am sorry that breaking NC had this outcome for you. It isn't the best feeling when you want to be on a good note with someone and the other person absolutely refuses to comply even though you have been nothing but nice and have nothing but the best intentions. Take this as your closure and use it to move forward and find someone more deserving of you. For some reason, some dumpers choose to dislike us for reasons only they know and unfortunately that is something us dumpees have to come and accept. Just take comfort knowing that you did everything you possibly could to lay out a civil hand to her and if that person refuses to accept it, then they have some issues they have not worked out within themselves. This too shall pass and you will be okay, just take it one day at a time and cherish the many blessings you already have in your life.

[moosekaka]

has anyone seen '500 days of summer'? I am like JGL after he finds out that his ex is getting married, like getting heartbroken for the 2nd time and its worse than the first.

 

I really hope this doesn't haunt me for the rest of my life, I have parted ways with someone I was involved with for 5 years and we left amicably and I have been at peace with that, but this current one is really making me sick in my stomach acting like I am a criminal to her.

[perfectlyflawed459]

has anyone seen '500 days of summer'? I am like JGL after he finds out that his ex is getting married, like getting heartbroken for the 2nd time and its worse than the first.

 

I really hope this doesn't haunt me for the rest of my life, I have parted ways with someone I was involved with for 5 years and we left amicably and I have been at peace with that, but this current one is really making me sick in my stomach acting like I am a criminal to her.

 

It will not haunt you forever, there is a light at the end of this tunnel! I think what might be eating at you is the fact that she treats you like a criminal. I mean there is nothing worse than having someone you love/loved treat you like this for absolutely no reason. I feel you on this one because as you know, my ex did the same thing to me the other day. Please just know, like I said, that you can take comfort knowing that you tried to be the bigger person and that it is NOT your fault if she chooses to act this way. That just goes to show you how emotionally immature, messed up, and disrespectful she is and that you deserve someone who will treat you better. Take this negativity and use it to help you move forward. Belive me I know this is easier said than done, but you can do this and you will get through this.

[Sugarkane]

My ex did exactly the same thing to me. Can 110% relate. These people are complete cowards. I always hope that these people get screwed over one day. One can hope. You deserve so much better than this heartless coward.

[Sugarkane]

My ex did exactly the same thing to me. Can 110% relate. These people are complete cowards. I always hope that these people get screwed over one day! One can hope. You deserve so much better than this heartless coward. Why is it always ok to be a complete Ahole just because your a dumper? What a complete joke. I always feel like emailing these people an article on how to dump someone properly.

[moosekaka]

My ex did exactly the same thing to me. Can 110% relate. These people are complete cowards. I always hope that these people get screwed over one day! One can hope. You deserve so much better than this heartless coward. Why is it always ok to be a complete Ahole just because your a dumper? What a complete joke. I always feel like emailing these people an article on how to dump someone properly.

 

I guess she's still young, (19 going to be 20) and inexperienced. I messed up big time by pushing her too much before the BU. I am left to wonder if she really has that much disgust and contempt for me that she won't even make peace with someone she will never see again once I leave? I guess its easy to feel like woe is me I'm a victim here, but I just think life can be cruel.

[moosekaka]

Even though it hurts like hell to see her treat me with such contempt, in some ways it has made me realized I made the right decision to quit and leave the lab.

I can't change how she feels or chooses to act but I can definitely not be around to accept this kind of contempt.

 

I read ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) and it preaches you to live by your values. I now realized my values are that I want to be respected and accepted, and in this lab not only am I not getting it I feel like a pariah. I guess that's why I have been so conflicted and uneasy every time I go to the lab, because I did not want to give up on a PhD but at the same time I have to endure my values being violated again and again.

[Philosoraptor]

She was honest with you and seems to be doing what she feels is necessary on her path to healing. Respect her wishes and make no further attempts to make contact.

[radiodarcy]

OK guys, I bit the bullet,figured since I'm leaving I might as well try to engage her in one last convo for some closure. Guess what? after 3 months of NC, she tells me she won't engage in non work related convo, wont answer any personal questions whatsoever and acts like I am dead to her.

 

I guess this is the sharp kick in the nuts I need to go. I really can't see myself staying on now. I even asked her if I leave the lab can I say goodbye to her and she said I can say goodbye in a group, not alone. My god I really lost this girl forever its like I'm a child molester in her eyes.

 

ouch! yeah - - i've been there. it sucks. but as you said - - this is the sharp kick that you needed to move on.

 

i remember my ex sent me a two pages single spaced type email telling me in no uncertain terms to eff off. that alone was enough of a reason to stay away. anytime i felt the urge to reach out to him, i reminded myself of how much it hurt to read that email and that was enough of an incentive to stay away.

[broken-and-lost]

I know how you feel m8 i've tried over a year a few times to get my ex to be amicable but she treats me like a criminal too and it hurts this coming from a person who is meant to be caring and it does eat away at you because you know your not a bad person but this other person treats you like you are by ignoring you, best thing you can do is say **** her. you are not a bad person sometimes things go wrong or just don't work out

Edited February 6, 2012 by broken-and-lost

[moosekaka]

She was honest with you and seems to be doing what she feels is necessary on her path to healing. Respect her wishes and make no further attempts to make contact.

 

I will. I will always remember the look on her face when I approached her and asked to talk after having absolutely no contact in almost 3 months.

 

Seeing someone you cared about have that much anger,contempt and just wishing you were dead is a pain worse than just rejection.

[geegirl]

OK guys, I bit the bullet,figured since I'm leaving I might as well try to engage her in one last convo for some closure. Guess what? after 3 months of NC, she tells me she won't engage in non work related convo, wont answer any personal questions whatsoever and acts like I am dead to her.

 

I guess this is the sharp kick in the nuts I need to go. I really can't see myself staying on now. I even asked her if I leave the lab can I say goodbye to her and she said I can say goodbye in a group, not alone. My god I really lost this girl forever its like I'm a child molester in her eyes.

 

Moose, I am sorry you are going through so much of pain. I think you're magnifying her reactions because you are so hurt. Her reactions may just be her only way to move forward and while it may be a showing of indifference, I don't believe you should be viewing it so harshly and putting so much more of a burden on yourself.

 

I've been in situations before where I was treated rather coldly and harshly only to realize that it was their need to mask their own feelings.

 

Don't devalue yourself this way or plant such seeds in your head. You will never know what you mean to her so the last thing you need to do is analyze her reactions with such morbidity, when you really don't know what's going on in her mind.

 

This is her way of moving on. She may be cold and indifferent but I hardly think she sees you in such a negative way.

 

Please do not break NC. The finality has hit you all over again. I think in the back of your mind, you had hope that things could turn around after the break up. Again, you've been let down and the reality is setting in all over again.

 

You will recover from this. This is what you truly needed to help you move forward. While it is painful, sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom for you to swim up again.

[moosekaka]

Please do not break NC. The finality has hit you all over again. I think in the back of your mind, you had hope that things could turn around after the break up. Again, you've been let down and the reality is setting in all over again.

 

 

Thank you geegirl. Yes I was hoping things would turn around, but I had already accepted that it would not and that's why I decided to quit.

 

I just wanted to leave with some peace and comfort and in an amicable manner since I will never see her again and it just seems so bewildering she won't even do that, and the only reason I can think of is she either has a grudge against me or she really thinks of me in a very negative light.

[moosekaka]

the other thing that is bothering me is that now and then, maybe once a day I will get the thought of ending it all, I know its a really stupid and selfish thought and I can't do that to my parents but I have been reading up stuff like suicide methods and websites on suicidal thoughts and I'm wondering if this is just a cry for attention?

 

Geegirl as a skydiver you would know this, I would not trust myself to do a solo jump right now. Even a momentary lapse would be fatal.

 

should I tell my therapist this, I mentioned it to him in passing last week. When the BU happened 3 months ago I was asked again and again if I had suicidal thoughts and I was very sure I did not. Am I just trying to convince myself that I have a good reason to leave?

[geegirl]

Thank you geegirl. Yes I was hoping things would turn around, but I had already accepted that it would not and that's why I decided to quit.

 

I just wanted to leave with some peace and comfort and in an amicable manner since I will never see her again and it just seems so bewildering she won't even do that, and the only reason I can think of is she either has a grudge against me or she really thinks of me in a very negative light.

 

There could be various reasons for her to do that. She could very well be doing it to save you anymore hurt by engaging with you. She could be doing it because she is masking her own feelings of hurt by projecting indifference. She could be doing it because she's far less emotional than you are and that's the only want she knows how to react to you. She may have her own way in dealing with her own healing/feelings but I doubt that it is in any way a reflection of how negatively she views you.

 

When there's a messy break up and two people leave under bad terms, there's always this need to want to find peaceful closure. Closure is never perfect. It's a break-up. It's riddled with pain, hurt, anger and confusion. All you can do is part and heal the best way you know how and in that time find closure from within. When you find indifference, you could try to seek amicability or, who knows, by then you would have put it all behind you. In any case, you would be able to decide your needs without having to hurt yourself again.

 

You believe she may have animosity towards you, and I do believe that her view of you will change, when her wounds have healed and she's in a different stage of her life, that is if you believe her indifference is one of negativity.

[geegirl]

the other thing that is bothering me is that now and then, maybe once a day I will get the thought of ending it all, I know its a really stupid and selfish thought and I can't do that to my parents but I have been reading up stuff like suicide methods and websites on suicidal thoughts and I'm wondering if this is just a cry for attention?

 

Geegirl as a skydiver you would know this, I would not trust myself to do a solo jump right now. Even a momentary lapse would be fatal.

 

should I tell my therapist this, I mentioned it to him in passing last week. When the BU happened 3 months ago I was asked again and again if I had suicidal thoughts and I was very sure I did not. Am I just trying to convince myself that I have a good reason to leave?

 

Moose, when I was going through my divorce, there were times when I wanted to end it all. Even thinking of ways to do it because I felt so broken and helpless. I would be driving on the freeway and I would coax myself into driving onto uncoming traffic. In my teenage years and early twenties, I was a cutter. I attempted suicide once. Was it a cry for help? Yes. Was it a cry for attention? Yes. Did I really want to kill myself? No. I truly believe, and this is my own opinion that when someone wants to end it all, they don't announce it, they just do it. Anything other, is someone unable to find the right coping skills in dealing with their pain therefore contemplates, trying to believe that it is the only way.

 

Suicide is a cowards way of dealing with life's difficulties. Years from now, you will look back and realize this was just a small tiny part of the enormity of your life. You would have disregarded the love your family and all the wonderful opportunities in store for you for the many coming years because someone broke your heart. Your heart will be broken many more times in your life, trust me. Mine has been broken and shredded to pieces. I understand feeling defeated and having no more will to go on but know, from pain comes growth.

 

Please talk to your parents and your therapist/psychologist again. You need to be upfront and honest with your therapist as to how you are feeling versus trying to figure out your own thoughts and how to deal with them, especially when you are confused and not able to cope. If you are not upfront, they cannot help you get through this.

 

Skydiving is the least of your concerns, Moose. You need to get emotionally and mentally healthy first and get your life in order, and that should be your number one focus.

[moosekaka]

Moose, when I was going through my divorce, there were times when I wanted to end it all. Even thinking of ways to do it because I felt so broken and helpless. I would be driving on the freeway and I would coax myself into driving onto uncoming traffic. In my teenage years and early twenties, I was a cutter. I attempted suicide once. Was it a cry for help? Yes. Was it a cry for attention? Yes. Did I really want to kill myself? No. I truly believe, and this is my own opinion that when someone wants to end it all, they don't announce it, they just do it. Anything other, is someone unable to find the right coping skills in dealing with their pain therefore contemplates, trying to believe that it is the only way.

 

Suicide is a cowards way of dealing with life's difficulties. Years from now, you will look back and realize this was just a small tiny part of the enormity of your life. You would have disregarded the love your family and all the wonderful opportunities in store for you for the many coming years because someone broke your heart. Your heart will be broken many more times in your life, trust me. Mine has been broken and shredded to pieces. I understand feeling defeated and having no more will to go on but know, from pain comes growth.

 

Geegirl, once again your words of wisdom are a comfort to me and I thank you for it. Yes I have been very emotional lately and I know suicide is a cowardly act, but after finally telling my professor I quit and making sure there are no hard feelings between me and him, and another very important colleague in the lab I have been feeling a bit more relieved. I also have my professor's full support in my transition to another job. Also I have discovered that I may more options than I thought after talking to my department counselor. It feels good to know that there are people who will be civil and nice to me when I leave.

 

To be honest, I find pouring out my feelings here to be more helpful than my therapist, maybe because I can articulate my thoughts better in words than I can verbally. Also the advice of many experienced people here who are going through the same thing is an invaluable source of comfort.

[geegirl]

Geegirl, once again your words of wisdom are a comfort to me and I thank you for it. Yes I have been very emotional lately and I know suicide is a cowardly act, but after finally telling my professor I quit and making sure there are no hard feelings between me and him, and another very important colleague in the lab I have been feeling a bit more relieved. I also have my professor's full support in my transition to another job. Also I have discovered that I may more options than I thought after talking to my department counselor. It feels good to know that there are people who will be civil and nice to me when I leave.

 

To be honest, I find pouring out my feelings here to be more helpful than my therapist, maybe because I can articulate my thoughts better in words than I can verbally. Also the advice of many experienced people here who are going through the same thing is an invaluable source of comfort.

 

That's good to hear Moose. At least these consolations allow you to see that things will sooner or later work themselves out, and they always do, just as your emotions for your ex. You still may want to see a therapist though because if difficult times almost always lead you to suicidal thoughts, then you may want to get some help as to the why and how.

 

One thing that I did when I couldn't expresss myself or articulate my feelings was to write it down in a journal and take my journal to my therapy session and share it with my therapist. Or a day before your session, write down what you feel needs working out. Or you can even print this thread and point out some of the things that you felt helped you or affected you.

 

I think it would be good during this time to use all resources that are available to you, if it is this forum and/or your therapist.

 

Keep doing what works for you Moose. I'm glad to hear you are feeling somewhat better.

[Sugarkane]

I always hope that someone hurts these rude people one day. What happened to treat people the way you want to be treated? I'm sure these cowards wouldn't like it if someone/current SO did this to them.