Asking the abuse question

[CopingGal]

I didn't know this particular forum existed. I'm glad I found it. I have many posts, so I won't rehash the long version of the story. But quickly, for those of you who don't know, my boyfriend lied to me all the time, kept me away from his friends, kept telling me he did not have time for me because of his job and his autistic son, and then when he got a very good job schedule, he used his free time to look for women on the internet, cheat on me, and ignore me. He used his autistic son as an excuse to not be with me while he cheated on me. I was in the relationship off and on for three years. I believed most of his lies. But after he began to ignore me every 12 out of 14 days, I left him. He told me he had ignored me because he was cheating on me. He said he did not break up with me in case the it did not work out with the woman he was cheating on me with. After I left him, he began to harass me with unwanted contact even though after 5 1/2 months of knowing this woman, he asked her to marry him and she said yes. The next time he contacts me, I'm calling the police.

 

You know, back in 2008, I examined the relationship and pondered it. I kept asking myself if he was abusing me. It was hard for me to come up with an answer. Sometimes I said yes. Sometimes I said no. This was before I knew about all the lies. My point is, I think if you have to ask yourself or other people if you are being abuse, chances are very likely that you are being abuse. If you are at the point that you have to think about whether or not you are being abuse, it's time to get out. I wish I had left in 2008. I did not. By the time I finally got away from him, I was very, very damaged and he merrily asked the woman he cheated with to marry him after 5 1/2 months of dating her.

 

The next time I have to ponder and ponder about whether or not I am being abused, I'm getting out. IF I have to ask, even if I am not being abused...if I have to ask, it's time to go.

[RecordProducer]

I believed most of his lies.

Sometimes it's hard to believe in inconsistent actions, so we believe in consistent lies.

 

I kept asking myself if he was abusing me. It was hard for me to come up with an answer. Sometimes I said yes. Sometimes I said no.

I can relate to this. I was abused in my marriage, but I had no place to go - until I stood on my feet. But I am angry at myself for believing in crap that came out of a cold-hearted snake, to the point where I stopped believing in myself. Anyhoo, without going any further talking about that sewer rat, I think CG we who learn from relationships benefit at the end. We blame ourselves, question our own actions and we find everything that's wrong with us. Then we get mad at the exes, but in reality we feel empowered by all we've learned. We will be rewarded for the abuse. You'll see.

 

This was before I knew about all the lies. My point is, I think if you have to ask yourself or other people if you are being abuse, chances are very likely that you are being abuse. If you are at the point that you have to think about whether or not you are being abuse, it's time to get out. I wish I had left in 2008. I did not. By the time I finally got away from him, I was very, very damaged and he merrily asked the woman he cheated with to marry him after 5 1/2 months of dating her.

Don't be so sure this was not the bext option life has arranged for you or me!

 

We were abused, but mostly by ourselves - by actively allowing them to put us down.

[insaneinthebrain]

Sometimes it's hard to believe in inconsistent actions, so we believe in consistent lies.

 

I can relate to this. I was abused in my marriage, but I had no place to go - until I stood on my feet. But I am angry at myself for believing in crap that came out of a cold-hearted snake, to the point where I stopped believing in myself. Anyhoo, without going any further talking about that sewer rat, I think CG we who learn from relationships benefit at the end. We blame ourselves, question our own actions and we find everything that's wrong with us. Then we get mad at the exes, but in reality we feel empowered by all we've learned. We will be rewarded for the abuse. You'll see.

 

Don't be so sure this was not the bext option life has arranged for you or me!

 

We were abused, but mostly by ourselves - by actively allowing them to put us down.

 

 

RP.. the problem with this type of abuse is that you don't really realize its abuse until you find your self at your lowest point.... it doesnt even run thru you head..

 

The problem is that the effects of this can last a life a time...

 

it changes how you approach relationships completely.. ..

 

The tragidy of it all is that most abusers were probably victims of sometype of abuse themselves..

[emilywtf]

Your story sounds similar to mine- Relationship of 9 years, with constant belittling/nagging/setting unrealistic expectations. I actually convinced myself that I really was the problem and worked hard to do everything he demanded, always failing to meet his standards no matter what I did.

 

Here is where mine differs: He is an alcoholic, and what I am coming to realize is a porn addiction with mommy issues (we are in our early thirties, he looks at porn and has cheated on me with women in their 60s). There are many other mental problems on his end, like being narcissistic.

 

It hurts to be used as a "back-up plan", but it so SO much better to be away from a human that would treat a good person like dirt. You deserve better and are now able to get what you deserve.

[CopingGal]

Don't be so sure this was not the bext option life has arranged for you or me!

 

We were abused, but mostly by ourselves - by actively allowing them to put us down.

 

You are correct. I think maybe one day I might be happy all of this happened to me because I started reading self help books about how to get strong and I never went back to him. I do have some anger toward my mom...but not a lot. My mom communicated to me that being psychologically abused was okay because she put up with it from my father for years and years.

[CopingGal]

Your story sounds similar to mine- Relationship of 9 years, with constant belittling/nagging/setting unrealistic expectations. I actually convinced myself that I really was the problem and worked hard to do everything he demanded, always failing to meet his standards no matter what I did.

 

Here is where mine differs: He is an alcoholic, and what I am coming to realize is a porn addiction with mommy issues (we are in our early thirties, he looks at porn and has cheated on me with women in their 60s). There are many other mental problems on his end, like being narcissistic.

 

It hurts to be used as a "back-up plan", but it so SO much better to be away from a human that would treat a good person like dirt. You deserve better and are now able to get what you deserve.

 

Thanks.

 

My ex cheated on an older woman as well. I bet all the time when my mom was being psychologically abused for years, she didn't think that she was raising a child to be comfortable with psychological abuse until the abuse got too much. Glad I only put up with it off and one for three years. My mom put up with it until my father was in his late 60's and past away.

[Exit]

I didn't know this subforum was really here either, guess like most people I joined for the "breakup" section and never left.

 

I can relate CopingGal, I got a big lesson on abuse after my last relationship, I wasn't aware that some of my ex's behaviors definitely qualified until I started reading and learning.

 

I can especially relate to your last post, where you said seeing your mom put up with abusive treatment may have rubbed off on you. I'm in the same boat, my parents' marriage has been terrible as far back as I can remember, and for years and years I have seen her talk about wanting to leave but never following through with it, whether because he manipulates her out of it, or she manipulates herself. And now I find myself putting up with relationships where I am called names, put through mental and emotional abuse, and even after my last ex finally got physically abusive towards me, still have to struggle with feelings like I could easily forgive her if she wanted me to. I try to shy away from all the "blame the parents" techniques, but at the same time why ignore the elephant in the room, I don't think it's a coincidence that I watched my parents do this type of stuff for my entire life, and now I do the same things. Now I have to learn how to stop it.

[CopingGal]

Yes, I try not to focus on my mom too much. Once upon a time I was very angry at my parents for ignoring my pain and for not creating an enviornment in which I felt safe and protected. My brother once ripped my door down, but my mom would not let me put a lock on the new door. Neither parent checked in with how I was feeling. I one time when I called a family meeting to voice how I felt, as soon as I finished, everyone walked away and said nothing to me.

 

But, I have taken many, many courses in psychology. I have had much therapy. I can see things in the way that my family members can't. I guess it's not very fair to judge too much. But the therapist told me my relationship with my ex mimiced my parent's. I actually saw that before she told me and when I clearly, clearly saw that, I left him. It was after that that my therapist told me about my relationship mimicing my parents. Although I read some self-help books, I do not want to get too comfortable with myself. I want to read more and when I get some money, go back into counseling.

 

But you know Exit, I've seen your posts and how you help people. You really sound like you are a together person. Seems like you learned a lot in your past relationships.

[emilywtf]

CG-

 

Therapy really does help a lot. I agree that with the help of my psychologist I am able to view the situations that come up with my ex (long story but we currently live together) in a more healthy manner... And I have learned not to believe everything he says, which is hard for me, but I am learning not to buy it hook, line & sinker.

 

I get my therapy sessions through my employers EAP progam- 8 for free for each "issue", which is exceptionally generous. If you work you might check and see if they offer an employee assistance program.

 

E

[CopingGal]

Yes, I am a firm believer of therapy. I'm only not in it because I cannot afford it right now, but I plan on going back.

 

Personally, I believe the whole world should be in therapy...and I am serious about that.

 

But yes, as soon as I can go back to therapy, I will. I am not working right now and I cannot get therapy in town without it costing me. But I know where I can get it for free if I can just get there. The transit here is expanding so I might be able to go there soon.

 

Take care.

[CopingGal]

RP.. the problem with this type of abuse is that you don't really realize its abuse until you find your self at your lowest point.... it doesnt even run thru you head..

 

Yep, you don't realize until it's too late. I realized it in 2011, BUT I questioned it in 2008. I should have left in 2008 and never looked back. I will know better next time.

[pteromom]

The next time I have to ponder and ponder about whether or not I am being abused, I'm getting out. IF I have to ask, even if I am not being abused...if I have to ask, it's time to go.

 

This is good. And beyond this, if you are unhappy in a relationship, it's time to go. Don't waste time with someone who doesn't add value and happiness to your life.

 

Who wants to sign up for a life spent trying desperately to make someone love you the way you want to be loved? Who wants to sign up for a life that is a roller coaster - full of love and joy one moment and full of pain and despair the next? Who wants to sign up for a life where you are always wondering what someone is thinking/feeling, or what they are doing when they are away from you?

 

Remember the definition of love:

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 

And remember the "basic needs in a relationship":

 

• The need for good will from others
  
• The need for emotional support
  
• The need to be heard by the other and to be responded to with respect and acceptance
  
• The need to have your own view, even if others have a different view
  
• The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real
  
• The need to receive a sincere apology for any jokes or actions you find offensive
  
• The need for clear, honest and informative answers to questions about what affects you
  
• The need to for freedom from accusation, interrogation and blame
  
• The need to live free from criticism and judgment
  
• The need to have your work and your interests respected
  
• The need for encouragement
  
• The need for freedom from emotional and physical threat
  
• The need for freedom from angry outbursts and rage
  
• The need for freedom from labels which devalue you
  
• The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered
  
• The need to have your final decisions accepted
  
• The need for privacy at times
  

If a relationship doesn't fit the definition of LOVE and if your basic needs aren't being met, why expend more energy on trying to make it work? Move on and find someone who is worthy of your love.

[fucpcg]

The word abuse I believe is thrown around to much. I don't see any description of abuse in your writing. You dated an *********, and you should have known long before the 3 years that it was time to leave. You should be asking yourself why you hung around for 3 years with this guy. And the word "abuse" is really irrelevant to what was going on, and why you were hanging on to it.

[CopingGal]

Actually, this person really did abuse me. I didn't tell the whole story here. I will tell you how he psychologically abused me.

 

 

1-He lead me to believe that he couldn't see me because his job or his son got in the way. That was a lie. He lied to me all the time. I waited and waited for him. It turns out that he lead me on for three years and I did not know it. I actually thought that serious things were getting in the way (ex: lack of money for him to see me.)

 

2-He told me he couldn't come to see me because he didn't have any money and then came to my town to cheat on me with someone else. I didn't know he was cheating on me. I tried being patient and being understanding while all the while he was cheating on me.

 

 

3-After he got a better job with a lot more time on his hands, he ignorned me and used his autistic child in his lies to me again and again. Once he got a better job, he changed my status from "girlfriend" to "back up girlfriend " without telling me.

 

4-I stay with him off and on for three years because back then I did not know he was constantly lying to me.

 

 

5-After I left him, he threw another woman in my face, time and time again. He ripped my heart out and when I asked him to leave me alone, he harassed me. He kept contacting me, throwing this woman in my face to the point that I had to speak to the police.

 

6-He manipulated me, over and over again, lied to me repeatedly, and then when I tried to get away from him, harassed me. I couldn't do anything about him calling because the cell phone account was in my housemate's brother's name and he wouldn't let us change the number. We couldn't put him on call reject because that would cost more and as I said, the account wasn't in my name.

 

7-He lied, cheated, manipulated, used me, and finally, harassed me. Then got on facebook and told the whole world that he wouldn't change a thing. He also told me it was worth it- ripping my heart to shreds and stomping on my heart. He had no remorse for anything and just kept harassing me, trying to force me to be his friend, even though I asked him to leave me alone.

 

8-He lied to me when he confessed his lies to me.

 

9-He totally psychologically and emotionally abused me and if you don't get that from this post, then I'm not telling it right.

 

10-I'm not throwing the word "abuse" around. Believe me, it was abuse. The couple's counselor said my ex has sociopathic tendencies and strong traits of narcissitic personality disorder. She had seen both of us in therapy. He confessed to playing "let's pretend" in therapy. He pretended to take the therapy seriously and instead lied in therapy over and over again.

 

11-The amount of pain he caused me was horrific and even after that I had no peace because he HARASSED me! As I said, I had to have a long talk with the police!

Edited May 27, 2012 by CopingGal

[CopingGal]

Pteromom, Thanks. I copy and pasted what you said into a MS Word document so I can have it with me.

[fucpcg]

I still don't see much along the way of abuse, maybe bad person to date, but not the definition of abuse. I also see you verbally acting abusive yourself toward him in the thread "post here instead of contacting your ex", so you have plenty of anger and hatred yourself. Maybe the guy was not a good boyfriend, but his abuse doesn't justify your hostility. That's like saying I punched my girlfriend because she punched me. No. If I am dating a girl that assaults me, then she is someone I should leave, not assault back. Nor is there a reasonable explanation for you to have stuck with him for 3 years, then coming in here and talking about horrible he was to you this whole time. Why did you hang around? You should really be asking yourself why you hung out with such a horrible person for 3 years?

 

If I date a girl who treats me like crap, it's not reasonable for me to talk about how terrible she was to me, that's who she is. There are plenty of crap people on the planet. WHY I dated someone who treated me that way, that is the only real relevant discussion to have. And I do understand that there are women out there stuck in abusive relationships, with partners who have them convinced they are worthless, among other things, but these are women who generallly get into these positions because of horrible, abusive childhoods, with bad relationships with their fathers. I know, some of my sisters have gone thru this, thanks to my Dad. Ultimately, same thing, my sister's need to deal with the fact that they feel the desire to date a crap guy because of the relationship they had with our father. Blasting the guy won't accomplish anything. Understanding why they go for that will.

 

Having seen what my sisters have gone thru, I still don't see the abuse in your story. Even so, if there is still more to the story than is shown here, it's still your place to ask yourself why you were with him, if you really want to be honest in addressing what needs to be addressed.

[CopingGal]

Yes, I have asked myself why I was with him. I've done the work. And I have several answers. The main answer is that the relationship mimiced my parents. On some level I probably felt comfortable with his nonsense, but when I realized the relationship mimiced my parents...I got out.

 

Here is a definition of psychological abuse:

 

 

"Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mental abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder." Wikipedia.

 

But sometimes Wikipedia can be unrealiable, so here's some more info:

 

What Is Psychological Abuse?

 

That person lays it out.

 

I know you are trying to help. But I'm telling you I was psychologically abused. Whether or not you choose to believe that is your choice. I know what I know. Thanks for trying to help.

 

By the way, if I post my anger in the forum, that in not abusive. I'm not talking to him. I'm letting out my anger. You can't accuse me of being abusive if I'm letting my anger out on a keyboard. Yes, I have said horrible things to him...but not like what I do in the forum. That is there for me to get out my anger. It's not abusive to write thing down. And the mean things I did say to him was a reaction of things...terrible things he did to me. Again, I know you are trying to help, so I'm going to be nice and just say this: I was abused psychologically big time. I'm not going to explain any more...either you agree or you don't...it's your choice. Thanks again.

Edited May 27, 2012 by CopingGal

[fucpcg]

I have an ex who accused me of abuse. Whether or not it was, is debatable and has varied opinions. Her behaviour toward me at certain times of the relationship was as text book definition abuse as it gets. She isn't honest about what happened from her end, yet is quick to throw stones. To me you sound and read quite a bit like how my ex sounds towards me. If all you want to do is talk about how abused you were, while being vulgar toward your ex, and how he somehow managed to do this to you for years, then I say you are missing a big piece of the puzzle.

[CopingGal]

OMG, that was in the Posting thread, not actually at my ex. Forget it. I'm not explaining it any more. Believe what you want. I didn't start this thread in Abuse so that I could be judged by you.

Edited May 28, 2012 by CopingGal

[CopingGal]

And another thing, fucpcg, you come into an ABUSE forum and try to talk a woman out of the fact that she was ABUSED, then criticize for leaving messages in the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" thread. HUH? And then call me abusive simply for posting in that thread? What is wrong with you? Don't push your issues on me. I put you on ignore. I have nothing to do with you being accused of abuse, so don't lay that on me. SHEESH! You need to leave this forum. This forum was created so that people can be helped, not judged and criticized by people like you!

[Babolat]

The word abuse I believe is thrown around to much. I don't see any description of abuse in your writing. You dated an *********, and you should have known long before the 3 years that it was time to leave. You should be asking yourself why you hung around for 3 years with this guy. And the word "abuse" is really irrelevant to what was going on, and why you were hanging on to it.

 

I agree with this comment. I have read a lot about emotional and physical abuse, and this posters experience does not seem to fall into that ategory. No disrespect, what he did was bad, though probably not abuse.

 

The best book I have ever read on abuse was written by a Dr who worked with over 2000+ male abusers, it's called "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men"

 

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1340313767&sr=8-1&keywords=why+do+men+do+that

 

Again, no disrespect at all. What you went thru was wrong. I am just not sure it fits the description of a male abuser.

Edited June 21, 2012 by Babolat

[CopingGal]

According to resources, it actually was psychological abuse. We all have different opinions, but it was. I know. I lived it. It was.

[Babolat]

Hi CopingGal, I encourage you to buy and read the book I referenced, especially since you cannot afford therapy right now. The book will help you.

 

As someone who thinks they may have emotionally abused their last partner, it's taught and showed me a lot. It's written for the victim, you in this case, by a Dr who has worked with over 2000+ male abusers. it's a very interesting read.

[M30USA]

My wife filed for divorce citing the reason of "cruelty" on my part. Funny, she's the one who assaulted me numerous times and wound up in jail. She would often hit me, throw something at me...and then hours later say that I was the one who hit HER or threw something at HER! It was so mind-warpingly backwards and twisted that I didn't know which way was up anymore. I guarantee you she is telling HER family that I was abusive, etc. I've read a thing or two on borderline personality and these people lack the ability to differentiate between THEIR thoughts and YOUR thoughts. This results in psychological projection; meaning if they are abusive, they will perceive YOU as abusive because they can't distinguish your thoughts from theirs. Very dangerous.

[Babolat]

My wife filed for divorce citing the reason of "cruelty" on my part. Funny, she's the one who assaulted me numerous times and wound up in jail. She would often hit me, throw something at me...and then hours later say that I was the one who hit HER or threw something at HER! It was so mind-warpingly backwards and twisted that I didn't know which way was up anymore. I guarantee you she is telling HER family that I was abusive, etc. I've read a thing or two on borderline personality and these people lack the ability to differentiate between THEIR thoughts and YOUR thoughts. This results in psychological projection; meaning if they are abusive, they will perceive YOU as abusive because they can't distinguish your thoughts from theirs. Very dangerous.

 

The book I reference talks about this.