I don't feel like telling her was the right thing to do.

[zanzi]

I had this relationship and I know it was bad, destructive to me blah blah.

But I told the guy's gf about us because I couldn't take it any more. The compromises, the dishonesty, the anger.

 

I know he hates me though I haven't spoken to him in a couple of weeks. because I told her. Maybe I wanted to get rid of her. Maybe I wanted to take them both down with me. And in the end although most people say I did the right thing, a lot of other people say it was wrong of me. Pathetic is the word that comes to mind by me for my sneaky ways.

 

I am slowly getting over him and I do not plan to reinitialize any kind of contact. Things are past that now. What good is it to keep shooting a dead horse? I guess I just wanted to say and warn others that telling the girfriend isn't really the right thing to do. It just makes you feel guilty and sad. Revenge is bitter, with a backlash. Always. however. In the name of feminism, I am damned glad I did it. We english will never, never, never be second rate whores.

Edited February 6, 2012 by zanzi

[RecordProducer]

What a beautiful post! I really enjoyed your (many) messages. I have to say though I am glad you told the GF because she had a right to know and he deserved the revenge. You say the revenge tastes bitter... but being in the previous position tasted like crap, right? So, you chose the better taste.

 

A friend of mine was dating a guy from another state (1,200 miles away)for 10 months when she received a phone call from a woman who told her she had been his girlfriend for the past 11 months. My friend broke up with him and a few months later met her current BF. They've been living together for a couple years and just bought a house together. You did the right thing for her and taught him a lesson. It feels bittersweet because you got very little benefit out of your revenge.

 

Sneaky ways? C'mon. Without sneakyness, we'd be bland, boring, spineless, cold-blooded creatures - like lizzards.

[bentnotbroken]

zanzi, this is my view. Seldom is one's motivations in life or choices pure as the virgin snow, so my advice is stop stressing about it. Irregardless of what motivating you it turned out OK. You informed his g/f of what a liar/cheat he is so now she can make informed choices and you got the lying pos out of your life and even smarter you don't intend on taking him back.

 

So.......stop being hard on yourself, just get past it and over him and seek happiness in the future and beware of the wolves out there. Pick wisely in the future. Oh and don't call yourself ugly names. K?

 

 

My view also. I really could care less what the motives are for giving needed information to an affected party. As long as they have the information.

[imperfectangel]

I keep wanting to tell his wife but they have a child and I just can't break up this kids family plus ex mm has a long-term though not life threatening illness I won't be helping by lifting the lid.

 

I though about printing emails and just sending them through the post but really what good would come of it? Zero

 

I feel so ****ty right now I do not wanna put this feeling on anyone else

[imperfectangel]

I guess not but what about his kid? It might seem strange but his kid did not ask for this also I feel so crappy I seriously struggled at work today I just wanted to cry the whole time I don't want to put his wife in the same situation

 

I could never tell over the phone and I don't have her email/cell number so posting the emails is really the only way I could do it if I decided to

[woinlove]

Even when the motivation is only one of love and compassion, zanzi, telling still feels bad at the time. I told a good friend when I discovered her H was cheating, because I cared about her and didn't want to pretend I didn't know. Basically, it was by far the best of two choices - to tell or to not tell, but neither one is great. Cheating and all its fallout suck. In the end, my friend and her H repaired their M and she was grateful to know. Her M may not have survived if she had not found out then or soon. But it still sucked, just not nearly as bad as trying to stay her friend and keeping this secret would suck.

 

imperfectangel, as far as a child, who knows? A skilled and determined liar might convince his W that he is actually loving and faithful and the home life could be good, I suppose. Many people would probably show evidence of the internal conflict of cheating and lying, by withdrawing, making lame excuses, picking fights to deflect, and the home life could be bad - in which case the child will suffer whether the W knows or not. Telling the truth could end in the building of a more authentic and stronger home life, ultimately making the environment better for the child. Or one or both could cope poorly, making it even worse. Or they could divorce and the environment for the child could either improve or decline. I figure if both parents have the truth at least one isn't operating with a handicap and has the potential to build a better home environment for the child, whether that is as a divorced or married parent.

[imperfectangel]

I appreciate your help lady grey and apologies for hijacking the thread I need to get my head together first I can't make any decisions when I feel like this my head is such a mess

[zanzi]

thaats fine. Thats what were here for right, to support each other?

To be honest I did indeed think whimsically about the look on his face and the veins popping out of his neck as he threw his cell phone across the room and cursed the gods that made me. tee hee hee hee.

ahhh. Now THAT is what I did it for. That is very satisfying.

I have my eye on some cutey pies now. But I swear to stay single for a while. Also, I am going to get a pretty sugar skull tattooed somewhere on me in order to ward off future offenders. Show em all I mean business.

[RecordProducer]

Oh my record producer. I am beyond thrilled to see you take this attitude. Does that mean you will tell the man you ****ed's wife? Please do.

 

Zanzi you did the right thing. You will soon feel so much relief from knowing that.

I always find it funny that when somebody posts here, people always pick a person from the story that they cheer for - if it's an affair story, then they cheer for the wife and they think that all they need to advise is for the benefit of the wife, regardless of whoever the OP is. Like, I should do my friend's wife a favor and tell her I slept with her husband one time when we were both drunk. I should initiate their divorce, or at least a long-lasting agony for them and their little children - just because some stranger (you) thinks this would make another stranger (the wife) a very happy person in the long run. In fact, I should do the world a favor and jump from a sky scraper because some men can't keep their pants zipped.

 

To answer your question: no, I will not tell his wife. No, his wife is not the most important person in my life. Saying that I harmed her in any way is like saying that the bartender who helped him get drunk harmed her. In fact, his guy friends with whom he hangs out every other night until 2 am - harm his wife, too, since they take him away from her, no?

Edited February 9, 2012 by RecordProducer

[Owl]

To answer your question: no, I will not tell his wife. No, his wife is not the most important person in my life. Saying that I harmed her in any way is like saying that the bartender who helped him get drunk harmed her. In fact, his guy friends with whom he hangs out every other night until 2 am - harm his wife, too, since they take him away from her, no?

 

All true, RP.

 

But...his wife knows that the bartender serves him drinks, right?

 

She also knows that he's out with his "buddies" until 2am as well, yes?

 

She's aware of the damage they're doing. She's NOT aware of the damage that occurred when the two of you slept together.

 

That's the difference. She doesn't have the option of making an informed choice in the situation of you and her H, because she's lacking that information. She has the information already in the other "harmful influences" you referred to tho.

 

Not looking to sit here and argue with you on this...just read your post and wanted to point out the flaw in your thinking and analogies.

[MissBee]

I always find it funny that when somebody posts here, people always pick a person from the story that they cheer for - if it's an affair story, then they cheer for the wife and they think that all they need to advise is for the benefit of the wife, regardless of whoever the OP is. Like, I should do my friend's wife a favor and tell her I slept with her husband one time when we were both drunk. I should initiate their divorce, or at least a long-lasting agony for them and their little children - just because some stranger (you) thinks this would make another stranger (the wife) a very happy person in the long run. In fact, I should do the world a favor and jump from a sky scraper because some men can't keep their pants zipped.

 

To answer your question: no, I will not tell his wife. No, his wife is not the most important person in my life. Saying that I harmed her in any way is like saying that the bartender who helped him get drunk harmed her. In fact, his guy friends with whom he hangs out every other night until 2 am - harm his wife, too, since they take him away from her, no?

 

Really Record? The 2 are one and the same? A bartender giving a man a drink and a woman who claims to be this man's friend, who knows he is married and who slept with him, have the same level of culpability?

 

The bartender is a complete stranger....he is not responsible for or to this man (well take that back, in some states if a bartender continues giving a drunk person drinks and they end up in an accident, the bartender is culpable!) Someone claiming to be another's friend, if you know they are drunk, and married why as their friend are you offering yourself....as surely they didn't rape you. You have even more responsibility in fact if you are the sober one in the situation. Just because a man can't keep his pants up, as you put it, doesn't mean you need to hop on what he has pulled it down to show. In fact...how is it cute to admit to sleeping with someone who "can't keep their pants up". It seems like not only are they indiscriminate but so are you. A man can pull his pants down as he chooses, but I have a choice about joining him and taking mine off too. But you seem to want to avoid that yours had to come down too, by choice, (and you are responsible for your choice) and make him, the bartender and even his friends a part of this but not you. You are at no fault whatsoever. How convenient.

 

I am not saying you should tell his wife...but it is quite interesting to me that one will try to implicate other random people who are doing less relevant things into the situation. I dunno...maybe I am different, but if I am sexing my married friend, I would at least have the balls to admit that I'm culpable and have put myself in an uneccessary and unscrupulous position, but I just don't care, versus defend it and say well what about his friends, what about the bartender, what about the bagger at the grocery store (all of whom do not play the same role I'm playing by sexing him)...I mean it's like kids...when they do something wrong and they try to say their friend made them do it. It's very silly.

Edited February 9, 2012 by MissBee

[Lostinlife4now]

I have been reading these posts regarding telling the W! I have been toying back and forth regarding the same myself!

 

But my reasons are 2 fold 1) I feel like I have been USED to the utmost 2) I feel that they can get their marriage back on track with some REAL communication and therapy, he says no, but when a MM says his M is JUST FINE.....wtf is that?

 

But now the W is fighting some health issues, do I really need to put this on her plate?

But she should know what her H has been doing for alot of years! I did shoot him am e-mail and told him how I was feeling. His response: Why would you hurt my kids? My response: Were you thinking about your kids for the last 8 years? I don't think so.....

It is a very tough place to be in for all parties involved! If I were his W, I would DEFINITELY want to know that my H has been having an affair.

 

What to do what to do??????

 

Just think things through as best as you can! I know it sucks!!!!!

[frozensprouts]

I have been reading these posts regarding telling the W! I have been toying back and forth regarding the same myself!

 

But my reasons are 2 fold 1) I feel like I have been USED to the utmost 2) I feel that they can get their marriage back on track with some REAL communication and therapy, he says no, but when a MM says his M is JUST FINE.....wtf is that?

 

But now the W is fighting some health issues, do I really need to put this on her plate?

But she should know what her H has been doing for alot of years! I did shoot him am e-mail and told him how I was feeling. His response: Why would you hurt my kids? My response: Were you thinking about your kids for the last 8 years? I don't think so.....

It is a very tough place to be in for all parties involved! If I were his W, I would DEFINITELY want to know that my H has been having an affair.

 

What to do what to do??????

 

Just think things through as best as you can! I know it sucks!!!!!

 

not to sound rude or anything, but his wife's feelings didn't matter one iota before, why do they matter now ? I'm not trying to be rude, but what has changed?

[frozensprouts]

I always find it funny that when somebody posts here, people always pick a person from the story that they cheer for - if it's an affair story, then they cheer for the wife and they think that all they need to advise is for the benefit of the wife, regardless of whoever the OP is. Like, I should do my friend's wife a favor and tell her I slept with her husband one time when we were both drunk. I should initiate their divorce, or at least a long-lasting agony for them and their little children - just because some stranger (you) thinks this would make another stranger (the wife) a very happy person in the long run. In fact, I should do the world a favor and jump from a sky scraper because some men can't keep their pants zipped.

 

To answer your question: no, I will not tell his wife. No, his wife is not the most important person in my life. Saying that I harmed her in any way is like saying that the bartender who helped him get drunk harmed her. In fact, his guy friends with whom he hangs out every other night until 2 am - harm his wife, too, since they take him away from her, no?

 

 

a wife/husband has every right to know that their spouse is cheating, if for no other reason than their self protection...saying "telling may hurt the children" is a cop out...

two examples that I know of....

a woman i know had a husband who cheated on her...since we live in a small town and everyone seems to know everyone else's business, a lot of people knew....but no one told her. Finally I told her, and it turns out he had given her an STD that she didn't know about that could have killed her. She was able to get treatment, and is fine now. Her children still have their mom, and their dad too ( he didn't know he had the STD, but also got treatment and is fine now)

 

example 2-

my own life....

if I hadn't found out about my husband's cheating, I would have been in a much worse off position to deal with his rather nutty ex other woman...but because i know, I was able to protect myself and my children from her as much as possible...

 

I'm not saying that it is the other man/woman's responsibility to tell the spouse what has been going on, but rather that the spouse needs to know so that they will know they are being lied to and they can then make informed decisions about how they wish to proceed...that could mean very different things to different people...

 

think of it like this...if you had an adult daughter and her spouse was cheating on her, wouldn't you want her to know?

[Lostinlife4now]

not to sound rude or anything, but his wife's feelings didn't matter one iota before, why do they matter now ? I'm not trying to be rude, but what has changed?

 

 

No frozensprouts....you are not sounding rude, you are just asking a question..

 

Why now? Because after all this time, SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW! If I were her I would want to know what has been going on....

 

What's changed? Just me thinking how in the world he has been getting away with this for 8 years? Or how much has he been lying to me and her regarding his M??

Just questions and thoughts running through my mind.....

[RecordProducer]

She's NOT aware of the damage that occurred when the two of you slept together.

Well, ignorance is bliss!

 

She doesn't have the option of making an informed choice in the situation of you and her H, because she's lacking that information.

Not my problem!

 

Not looking to sit here and argue with you on this...just read your post and wanted to point out the flaw in your thinking and analogies.

My thinking is that if anyone harmed her, it was her husband, not me. I may have been the enabler but I owe that woman nothing.

 

you are responsible for your choice

Wrong! I don't have to divorce her and pay child support if she finds out. I am a free woman, I can take my pants down anytime as long as it's not with a minor. His marriage is HIS responsibility.

I am not saying you should tell his wife...but it is quite interesting to me that one will try to implicate other random people who are doing less relevant things into the situation.

We have responsibilities to our own families - not to others. If he is a cheater, that's his and his wife's problem.

a wife/husband has every right to know that their spouse is cheating, if for no other reason than their self protection...

I don't know why you're telling ME this. I agree the wife has a right to know. Would I want to know? It depends, I don't know.

 

think of it like this...if you had an adult daughter and her spouse was cheating on her, wouldn't you want her to know?

Don't be a hypocrite, Frozen. You don't treat people as if they were your sons and daughters, do you? If the OW were your daughter, would you wish upon her the same misery as you (must have) wished upon the OW?

[frozensprouts]

 

Don't be a hypocrite, Frozen. You don't treat people as if they were your sons and daughters, do you? If the OW were your daughter, would you wish upon her the same misery as you (must have) wished upon the OW?

 

hmmmm....i most certainly do try and treat others the way i would wish to be treated ( or my daughters to be treated)...i have no inherent right to treat people, who have done nothing to hurt me, like crud or to knowingly allow someone else to be miserable just so i can be happy. i'm not a child.

 

And i didn't wish the other woman "misery"...in fact, i wished her well, even after she blamed me for all her hurt.

 

all i wanted from her was for her to leave us alone and go live her life...maybe find happiness somewhere with someone single ( i sent her a letter telling her so) she couldn't let it go, which is all on her, not me

[venus358]

I told my MM's wife just a few days ago. Only I didn't just tell her, I printed out all our emails for the last 6 months and handed them to her at her doorstep.

 

I'm sure that she must have known deep down but probably just couldn't face it. How could she not? He was with me everyday, not getting home until at least 9pm or later most nights of the week.

 

I'm sure that my story isn't much different from many on here. But, we were "in love" and I finally put my foot down and told him he had to pick. He told me he wanted to work on making his marriage work and then I found him 4 days later online trying to find someone else. I went NUTS! I was so upset when we broke up that I had to leave work that day but believed that somewhere deep down I'd hoped he was happy and made it work between them. Then I felt cheated on (oddly) when I saw him online. So, I decided that he was going to keep doing it to her and so I told her.

 

I can confirm it feels awful! I was seeing RED the days before and for a while after but now I feel lonely and after everything I've read have realised that she will probably take him back.

 

I can't say if it was the right thing to do or not but I do know that I would want to know and I would want to know every detail. The problem is that we know they lie, so if you don't give the W the dirty details he will just try to convince her "it wasn't like that" or "I didn't love her." How can she be truly informed unless she see the ***t that he said to the other woman?

 

Some people don't want to know though and one backlash that I did not expect is some of my friends are actually angry at me for it because they don't agree with what I did.

 

I probably wouldn't have done it if I waited until I was more rational though. I know this is soooo stupid to say but what makes me most sad is that if we ever did have any chance at all, I'm sure that we don't now.

[woinlove]

I probably wouldn't have done it if I waited until I was more rational though. I know this is soooo stupid to say but what makes me most sad is that if we ever did have any chance at all, I'm sure that we don't now.

 

I don't know about stupid, but to an outside observer, it is wtf??!!, that should be the best part - that he might stay out of your life now! I think with time you may come to see this. Clearly this man is really broken if he hops from one A to another immediately. If him and his W end up making it, it will only be because they previously had an M worth saving and MM was willing to do all the work required to really change - likely years of work.

[woinlove]

Well, ignorance is bliss!

 

Not my problem!

 

My thinking is that if anyone harmed her, it was her husband, not me. I may have been the enabler but I owe that woman nothing.

 

Wrong! I don't have to divorce her and pay child support if she finds out. I am a free woman, I can take my pants down anytime as long as it's not with a minor. His marriage is HIS responsibility.

We have responsibilities to our own families - not to others. If he is a cheater, that's his and his wife's problem.

I don't know why you're telling ME this. I agree the wife has a right to know. Would I want to know? It depends, I don't know.

 

Re the bolded, the primary responsibility we have is to ourselves, to actively live our own life, making choices that work for us. For most people, what works and makes them happy includes treating others well, particularly anyone who has done them no harm. It just makes life more enjoyable, brings more happiness.

 

I don't see much happiness in considering married men (or women) as potential romantic or sexual partners unless they are in an open M. Once one is reduced to saying "I don't owe her anything/she's not my responsibility" about the spouse of someone you had sex with, a bit of happiness is already gone.

[nofool4u]

I know he hates me though I haven't spoken to him in a couple of weeks. because I told her. Maybe I wanted to get rid of her. Maybe I wanted to take them both down with me.

 

Both of them? What the hell did she do to you?

 

 

however. In the name of feminism, I am damned glad I did it.

 

Well, the bolded part now explains alot:rolleyes:

 

 

We english will never, never, never be second rate whores.

 

I take it nobody forced you to willingly hook up with a cheating man that already had a girlfriend and you knew about it, right?

[whichwayisup]

He told me he wanted to work on making his marriage work and then I found him 4 days later online trying to find someone else. I went NUTS!

 

Your MM was in it for an affair, he wasn't truly looking to leave and divorce his wife, hense him now being online looking for someone else to fill in his selfish needs.

 

Don't waste much time crying over him, he's not worth it.

[DonVee]

I had this relationship and I know it was bad, destructive to me blah blah.

But I told the guy's gf about us because I couldn't take it any more. The compromises, the dishonesty, the anger.

 

I know he hates me though I haven't spoken to him in a couple of weeks. because I told her. Maybe I wanted to get rid of her. Maybe I wanted to take them both down with me. And in the end although most people say I did the right thing, a lot of other people say it was wrong of me. Pathetic is the word that comes to mind by me for my sneaky ways.

 

I am slowly getting over him and I do not plan to reinitialize any kind of contact. Things are past that now. What good is it to keep shooting a dead horse? I guess I just wanted to say and warn others that telling the girfriend isn't really the right thing to do. It just makes you feel guilty and sad. Revenge is bitter, with a backlash. Always. however. In the name of feminism, I am damned glad I did it. We english will never, never, never be second rate whores.

 

I remember the day my Ex's OW told me about them it was a Wednesday mid April and I was at work (the nerve of her timing)... At first I thanked her but then I thought to myself "Don there is no way your going to be the only one hanging up this phone hurt" so I told her that it's funny she contacted me cause yesterday I just found out I have HIV... ... She hung up so fast I didn't get a chance to say GOODBYE! Moral of the story: It's sucks to find out that your H or SO is a lying cheating sack of ish but it's worse to be deliberately smacked in the face with the news of his infidelities because his OW is mad, hurt or whatever. Had she told me from day one I would have respected her more but every time I see her I spit.