locamia Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Recently found out my H of 10 yrs had multiple meaningless sexual encounters (don't know if considered ONS if it involves oral sex only) throughout our entire marriage. They involved someone he worked with but mostly strippers that give 'extras'. Also discovered porn addiction and found out he would go directly from looking at porn to these strip clubs cuz in his mind it was porn in person . Still in shock and disbelief so trying to understand it all before I decide where to go from here. My question is does it make a difference whether its an affair or meaningless hookups? How does it change the 'whys'? At what point is it obvious that this person has a deeper problem, a compulsion they can't control no matter how sexually satisfied they are at home or how happy they are with their marriage? Anyone have experience with this? Thanks:) Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Cheating is cheating. It is still a betrayal of trust. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 Recently found out my H of 10 yrs had multiple meaningless sexual encounters (don't know if considered ONS if it involves oral sex only) throughout our entire marriage. They involved someone he worked with but mostly strippers that give 'extras'. Also discovered porn addiction and found out he would go directly from looking at porn to these strip clubs cuz in his mind it was porn in person . Still in shock and disbelief so trying to understand it all before I decide where to go from here. My question is does it make a difference whether its an affair or meaningless hookups? How does it change the 'whys'? At what point is it obvious that this person has a deeper problem, a compulsion they can't control no matter how sexually satisfied they are at home or how happy they are with their marriage? Anyone have experience with this? Thanks:) I wonder if your husband would be quite so understanding if you went and had 'meaningless' sex with some random guy. Meaningless or non meaningless it shows the same massive disrespect to both you and your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author locamia Posted February 6, 2012 Author Share Posted February 6, 2012 I am fully aware of the betrayal and disrespect, I am living it every second. Just trying to get to the bottom of it and try to understand how and why it happened, what the motivation was besides the obvious conclusions. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 I am fully aware of the betrayal and disrespect, I am living it every second. Just trying to get to the bottom of it and try to understand how and why it happened, what the motivation was besides the obvious conclusions. It happened because your husband chose to take those actions. It happened because there is something wrong with him and the way he deals with sex and marriage. At what point is it obvious that this person has a deeper problem, a compulsion they can't control no matter how sexually satisfied they are at home or how happy they are with their marriage? NOW. Now is the point where it is obvious that your husband has a deeper problem. And it is one he CAN control. But he might need professional help. IF, and only IF, he actually WANTS to change his behavior will therapy (or anything else) help him change. But, yes, NOW is the point. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 You seem to be grasping at straws to make a case to excuse your husbands behavior - I wish you would listen to your own feelings. Does "meaningless sex vs. affair" make a difference to you? That's all that matters. Generally, when a spouse cheats men are more devastated by the sexual component than are women. Women are often more hurt by the emotional component. I'm not sure it really matters what hurts more as the devastation of such a betrayal is overwhelming to most of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 Locamia, only your H can determine if he is a sex addict, in which case sex with strangers is MORE about power and control than orgasming, or if he is a philanderer and out to conquest. Only you can answer what that means to you. Please seek IC and MC, if you love him and want to try and preserve the relationship. Please remember you have a right to decide NOT to decide anything at the moment. You certainly sit back and decide how remorseful, transparent, and willing to do the necessary work he is willing to do before making any decision regarding your future, whether with him or without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Will_miss_rk Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 (edited) Recently found out my H of 10 yrs had multiple meaningless sexual encounters (don't know if considered ONS if it involves oral sex only) throughout our entire marriage. They involved someone he worked with but mostly strippers that give 'extras'. Also discovered porn addiction and found out he would go directly from looking at porn to these strip clubs cuz in his mind it was porn in person . Still in shock and disbelief so trying to understand it all before I decide where to go from here. My question is does it make a difference whether its an affair or meaningless hookups? How does it change the 'whys'? At what point is it obvious that this person has a deeper problem, a compulsion they can't control no matter how sexually satisfied they are at home or how happy they are with their marriage? Anyone have experience with this? Thanks:) When my WW told me she had cheated on me, I thought it was a meaningless sexual affair spurred on because of curiosity. Since I thought she had no real affection for the guy I felt I could forgive her one day. Unfortunately, after further investigation I found out that she really liked the guy maybe even loved the guy or infatuation at the very least. This hurt me deep and still hurts deeply. Because of this it has stalled my ability to get over the affair. If I think about it long enough, I feel very inclined to leave and never come back. In fact, I would be gone if it wasn't for my kids because of my inability to get over her affair because she liked the guy some much. So to answer your question, I think it makes a huge difference between an affair and a meaningless sexual encounter. Edited February 17, 2012 by Will_miss_rk Link to post Share on other sites
y2k Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Recently found out my H of 10 yrs had multiple meaningless sexual encounters (don't know if considered ONS if it involves oral sex only) throughout our entire marriage. They involved someone he worked with but mostly strippers that give 'extras'. Also discovered porn addiction and found out he would go directly from looking at porn to these strip clubs cuz in his mind it was porn in person . Still in shock and disbelief so trying to understand it all before I decide where to go from here. You'd be wise to leave him. It's ok that a human being loves sex (it's normal and healthy), so why couldn't he just go to you for it???? It's never worth staying with a cheater, and usually women learn this too late. Life is too short to be staying with a cheater. Leave him, regardless of whether you guys have children or not, re-organize yourself and start new. Maybe the real love of your life is waiting somewhere in your future. Life goes on you know!!! Staying with him means you have a low self-esteem. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 It happened/is happening, cuz more than likely, once discovered, you were not harsh enuff with your consequences, tho I can not say that with any accuracy, cuz I don't know your situation, and how you have handled your H.'s cheating. I do know without consequences to force change, there will be no change. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I think your husband is really the only one who can tell you HIS reasons for cheating. Most likely he is a sex addict/porn addict, which means that treatment is available IF he wants it. How did you learn about the cheating? Did he tell you? Link to post Share on other sites
HHC Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 At what point is it obvious that this person has a deeper problem, a compulsion they can't control no matter how sexually satisfied they are at home or how happy they are with their marriage? If you can't follow the behaviour set out in your marriage you shouldn't be in your marriage. If your behaviour is hurting your partner and you continue to do it, or hide it, then you're better off letting your partner go. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 My question is does it make a difference whether its an affair or meaningless hookups? That depends on you. To me it wouldn't matter. A cheater is a cheater. How does it change the 'whys'? To me the whys matter not after infidelity occurs. All that matters is it happened or not. The whys would matter to me if cheating didn't occur and there was a chance to work on things. After cheating, the cheater can just piss off and the whys are now irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
FelicityShot Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 The majority of men I know are porn addicts. Or they just like it and it's there. I know say 25 men reasonably intimately (by talking). Only one doesn't do porn. Life's like that. Persuade him otherwise, turn a bilnd eye, or join in. Those are the options! Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Recently found out my H of 10 yrs had multiple meaningless sexual encounters (don't know if considered ONS if it involves oral sex only) throughout our entire marriage. They involved someone he worked with but mostly strippers that give 'extras'. Also discovered porn addiction and found out he would go directly from looking at porn to these strip clubs cuz in his mind it was porn in person . Still in shock and disbelief so trying to understand it all before I decide where to go from here. My question is does it make a difference whether its an affair or meaningless hookups? How does it change the 'whys'? At what point is it obvious that this person has a deeper problem, a compulsion they can't control no matter how sexually satisfied they are at home or how happy they are with their marriage? Anyone have experience with this? Thanks:) In my mind, meaningless sex is a bit easier to come to terms with, yet it doesn't take away from the fact that it is still a betrayal and still gross, especially if it is with strippers who do this with a lot of others. If he has a sex addiction, that is a serious problem that is no less different than if he were having an affair that involved emotions, in fact it may be a bit worse and points to a problem within himself that needs to address or else the marriage will be doomed. I do think a ONS once can be a genuine indiscretion that is really stupid and still not right, but also not a huge problem that will take tons of time and work to fix. Multiple ONS though with sex workers definitely points to a deep-seated issue and for me would matter a great deal and is even more gross than if he had one OW whom he believed he had feelings for. I would be hurt by the latter but feel more grossed out and sickened by the former. Link to post Share on other sites
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