beenburned Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 123321, Are you married? If so, how long? I am in a very long term marriage. I think the reason the divorce rate is so high today, is that people are too ready to bail out over the smallest reason. Then without learning how to cope with stress in a healthy way, they bring all that baggage into a new relationship. All marriages have periods of ups and downs, depending on what problems life has thrown their way. It is all about how you deal with stress in your life. People need to do it in a healthy way that will benefit the marriage and spouse. There are many people in this world who are not capable of being a loving faithful spouse.(due to many issues within themselves) Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 What I'm saying is sometimes its the M but sometimes it is just the WS being a selfish bullying self entitled git. And those are different. I know a man who says he was happy in the M- even in therapy- but he was broken in himself and thought he deserved two women. Well he was clearly not happy in the marriage if it wasn't giving him what he needed. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 Maybe sometimes however if it needs spice how good is it? If they feel bound how good is it? If they feel powerless, how good is it? What that sounds like is that their partner is happy and they should therefore suck it up and get with the program even if they are not happy. No. What that sounds like is someone who is unhappy with themselves, therefore they are a bottomless pit of want and need and one of those needs is constant ego stroking. Once their ego has been thoroughly stroked by their spouse it isn't new and fresh anymore, so they look elsewhere for it. Unfortunately, another character flaw in the cheater is zero integrity, so they lie and slither around behind the spouse's back like a snake in the grass. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 Well he was clearly not happy in the marriage if it wasn't giving him what he needed. Right? Then he should tell the spouse he wants more than one wife and see how that goes. Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 No. What that sounds like is someone who is unhappy with themselves, therefore they are a bottomless pit of want and need and one of those needs is constant ego stroking. Once their ego has been thoroughly stroked by their spouse it isn't new and fresh anymore, so they look elsewhere for it. Unfortunately, another character flaw in the cheater is zero integrity, so they lie and slither around behind the spouse's back like a snake in the grass. Use of emotionally charged terms tells me you are not objective and/or are looking to get an emotional response. Also although the example given was a husband, there's really no need to continue to make it gender specific. Then he should tell the spouse he wants more than one wife and see how that goes. Or perhaps (s)he has grown and no longer finds the one (wo)man (s)he is married to fulfilling his/her needs. I've heard and read that a lot and it seems to be a common complaint, particularly for women but I suspect men tend to not discuss it so much. After all, if a woman decides shes outgrown the marriage she can take the kids and 70% of the income, but a man who feels the same will lose his kids and 70% of his income. That very pragmatic reason probably has a lot to do with keeping secrets and such. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 Use of emotionally charged terms tells me you are not objective and/or are looking to get an emotional response. Also although the example given was a husband, there's really no need to continue to make it gender specific. I didn't realize it was necessary to state the obvious - that some women are lying sneaky snakes as well. Or perhaps (s)he has grown and no longer finds the one (wo)man (s)he is married to fulfilling his/her needs. I've heard and read that a lot and it seems to be a common complaint, particularly for women but I suspect men tend to not discuss it so much. After all, if a woman decides shes outgrown the marriage she can take the kids and 70% of the income, but a man who feels the same will lose his kids and 70% of his income. That very pragmatic reason probably has a lot to do with keeping secrets and such. Ah, here we go. Making excuses for the lying. Do you cheat? Is that why there is all this excuse making? Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 Do you cheat? Is that why there is all this excuse making? No of course not, I just realize that people always have motives for the things they do and say. My motive is to point that fact out. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 I didn't realize it was necessary to state the obvious - that some women are lying sneaky snakes as well. Ah, here we go. Making excuses for the lying. Do you cheat? Is that why there is all this excuse making? Indeed snakes with lipstick. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 No of course not, I just realize that people always have motives for the things they do and say. My motive is to point that fact out. You have a motive? Why? I just state my opinion. I don't have a motive. Why would I? I get nothing of intrinsic value from posting. Do you? Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 (edited) You have a motive? Why? I just state my opinion. I don't have a motive. Why would I? I get nothing of intrinsic value from posting. Do you? Every human action takes place because the person acting is motivated to do so. Failure to understand this basic fact is a basis to fail in understanding everything in life that follows. In the case of the topic at hand, failure to understand the root causes. Some people enjoy judging others, it makes them feel better. My opinion is that it's better to try and understand others and help them get what they need. Edited March 26, 2012 by 123321 Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Every human action takes place because the person acting is motivated to do so. Failure to understand this basic fact is a basis to fail in understanding everything in life that follows. In the case of the topic at hand, failure to understand the root causes. Some people enjoy judging others, it makes them feel better. My opinion is that it's better to try and understand others and help them get what they need. I am motivated to give my opinion because I see the hurt and destruction caused by A's. My opinion may differ from others. That's the beauty of a forum. I champion the "victims" and urge those being used by the cheater to think more highly of themselves. If your motivation is to make excuses for cheating, that's fine too. Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 You have a motive? .... I don't have a motive. I am motivated to give my opinion because I see the hurt and destruction ...) Well we've progressed you quite a lot in just a few hours, so let's go a little further and ask yourself this: Can you also try to see the pain and suffering that leads up to many if not most of those actions? Things do not happen in a vacuum, despite how emotionally satisfying it might feel to lash out as if this were the case. Did you have an experience where you or someone close to you were cheated upon? Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 CIK hasn't been here in a while. I wonder if her H is starting to lose the apathy and is starting to care about her warped views on how she handles contact with her xOM. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Well we've progressed you quite a lot in just a few hours, so let's go a little further and ask yourself this: Can you also try to see the pain and suffering that leads up to many if not most of those actions? Things do not happen in a vacuum, despite how emotionally satisfying it might feel to lash out as if this were the case. Did you have an experience where you or someone close to you were cheated upon? Pain and suffering? Um, yeah. Okay. While the cheater is sneaking around getting his/her rocks off with some outsider while the spouse hasn't a CLUE that they are being subjected to possible STD's and the desruction of their family. Yeah. Pain and suffering. Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 While the cheater is sneaking around getting his/her rocks off ... No, before that. There usually has to be quite a lot happen in a relationship as serious as a marriage before someone decides to cheat, in my experience. The people I associate with take marriage seriously and the commitment seriously, it's not as if this is just some long term or short term living together thing, or dating. Those are informal and a carry a much lesser degree of commitment but an actual marriage; for someone to go to that step and follow through to marry, they had to be serious. It takes something, usually a lot, to break them down. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 No, before that. There usually has to be quite a lot happen in a relationship as serious as a marriage before someone decides to cheat, in my experience. The people I associate with take marriage seriously and the commitment seriously, it's not as if this is just some long term or short term living together thing, or dating. Those are informal and a carry a much lesser degree of commitment but an actual marriage; for someone to go to that step and follow through to marry, they had to be serious. It takes something, usually a lot, to break them down. I know of some who just enjoy variety. Yep. That's all. Of course they aren't in my circle of friends, but I know all about 'em. One guy bragged about having the perfect wife while constantly trying to get into other women's pants, including mine. She finally dumped his lying, sneaky, cheating arse. AND - if someone's marriage sucks THAT bad, they are free to divorce. Like I did. Without cheating. AND like the wife of the above cheater did. Without cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 I know of some who just enjoy variety. Yep. That's all. I hear stories about things like that but I've never ever had personal knowledge of something like that happening. I guess it depends on who a person chooses to associate with maybe, or willingness to blithely believe one side of a story. Color me naive. I can tell you this, in every case *I* have personal knowledge of there was always a lot of drama that led up to the cheating and divorce. Usually it boils down to some variation of a breakdown in communications and/or refusal to apply loving concern for the needs of the other person. "This marriage is fine (subtext "for me") so shush and suck it up, you signed on for this miss/mister." Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 AND - if someone's marriage sucks THAT bad, they are free to divorce. Like I did. Without cheating. AND like the wife of the above cheater did. Without cheating.You failed to include this part in your quote. I wonder why... Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 You failed to include this part in your quote. I wonder why... I'm making a point that a failed marriage isn't the fault of one person in the vast majority of cases, how precisely it fails is a secondary concern really, whether the apartment dwellers died from the fire or the airliner that hit the building is tangential to the cause of the airplane crashing. There are all sorts of things that control why people choose to cheat instead of failing in other ways but the first step is understanding and accepting that focusing the blame for the failure on one party and excluding the other is unrealistic and counterproductive. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 I'm making a point that a failed marriage isn't the fault of one person in the vast majority of cases, how precisely it fails is a secondary concern really, whether the apartment dwellers died from the fire or the airliner that hit the building is tangential to the cause of the airplane crashing. There are all sorts of things that control why people choose to cheat instead of failing in other ways but the first step is understanding and accepting that focusing the blame for the failure on one party and excluding the other is unrealistic and counterproductive. Oh, no. Cheating is absolutely the fault of ONE party in the M. The fault for the state of the M could be one or the other or both. But the choice to cheat is ONLY on the cheater. End of story. Now try to come up with a plausible and reasonable excuse for why some folks choose to D rather than cheat and others sneak and lie and choose to expose their spouse to possible STD's. Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 I also did not say that the BS was RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CHEATING. I said that they were responsible/or played a part for what happened in the marrige &The downfall of the marriage. The above is the part of the OP that I agreed with. Oh, no. Adultery is a symptom of a failed marriage, not the cause of a failed marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Adultery is a symptom of a failed marriage, not the cause of a failed marriage. Adultery is the symptom of someone with sh*t character 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Black Jack Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Adultery is a symptom of a failed marriage, not the cause of a failed marriage. Adultery IS the cause of a failed marriage, and shows the cheater's jacked up personality. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Now try to come up with a plausible and reasonable excuse for why some folks choose to D rather than cheat and others sneak and lie and choose to expose their spouse to possible STD's. Ahhhh. Couldn't come up with one then. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Adultery is a symptom of a failed marriage, not the cause of a failed marriage.In the example I cited, it was the cause of the failed marriage. Well, not quite actually. The CHEATER was the cause of the failed marriage. The cheating is the symptom of a person lacking integrity. Link to post Share on other sites
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