Boyfriend is jealous of me yet still married to someone else

[pocoestrella]

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Hello, i'm new to this forum...

 

A little background... I have been with my boyfriend for over a year when I met him he didn't tell me he is married with children:mad: I didn't find out for 3 months that he was married! We had met online while he was deployed.

 

So, of course he has told me that he doesn't want to be with his wife (they got married before they were out of high school) and said that he just wasn't in love with her. He did tell her when he returned to the states that he had met someone else (me) and that he wanted a divorce. I know he did tell her as I spoke with her as well as his father.

 

Now here is the problem... he still isn't divorced from her. They are separated and living in different states now, but it isn't a "legal separation" he still hasn't filed for divorce and she doesn't want a divorce no matter what. I've been down this road with him for so long now and cried countless tears over it.

 

We've had countless arguments over his insecurity and jealousy with me... I don't give him reason to feel this way but he says he cannot help it. On the other side of things he has lied to me on many issues.

 

I love my boyfriend very much and I want to stay with him, but I want him to either get divorced or leave me alone... he says he loves me and wants to be with me, that I am who he chooses... so why won't he do the right thing for all of us?

 

Any insight?

[Paradise]

Give him a time out and let him do some soul searching.

If he really loves you, he will start the motion to file a legal divorce at the court.

First step for him would be talking to his wife and getting an attorney.

If he does nothing during your time out, you know he has no interest in a divorce.

No sex during time out, you know the rules…..

[pocoestrella]

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Thank you Paradise for responding...

 

I know you're right of course that he must do soul searching... of course I have brought this issue up to him and questioned him if he wanted or needed some time alone just to make sure of what he wants...

 

He has met all of my family and has become pretty close to my dad... my dads feeling on it is that my boyfriend is having a hard time understanding that just because he divorces his wife doesn't mean he divorces his children... they are fairly young.

 

I have no ill feelings towards his wife (she does for me) but I think i'm the only one in all of this mess that understands the person who set all of this in motion is HIM...

 

I am just in such an emotional state of mind here... I love him a lot and I don't want to leave him... he says he cannot let go of me that he really feels I am who he is suppose to be with... yet I don't want to waste more of my life on him if he will not do the right things not just for me but for her and his kids as well.

 

I'm still young and have two little people of my own who adore him... I am cautious of allowing them to become to attached to him... as I am uncertain as to what is going to happen and I won't allow anyone to hurt them anymore.

 

I'm out of my mind with uncertainty... he tells me all of the time that he loves me... yet again... actions you know? The other elements here are because he is in the military his wife has threatened him that if he doesn't do as she wants she will get him into trouble there and threatened him with taking his children from him... I know it all sounds so "common" but I have spoke with her myself and she has told me the same thing...

 

I'm just so frustrated... and it's wearing on me to continue to be "patient" and "understanding" I want him to do the right things, no matter what the outcome is... I just want him to do the right things.

[disguy]

Originally posted by Paradise

No sex during time out, you know the rules…..

 

lol he definitely is gonna speed up the process now. j/k why are women so mean?

 

Ok now on a serious note.... It seems that you do love this guy a lot. I would just wait it out. I mean give it more time and see where things go. I think that he is just procrasinating about going through the divorce. You gotta keep pushing him. Tell him what you said here. About how you don't wanna keep wasting your time with him if he doesn't go through with it. If he truly loves you then he will do it. Another suggestion is to actually just leave him. I know this is easier said then done, but if you do this then it will give him more reason to get him to file for this divorce. If he doesn't try to fight to get you back then its a lost cause because that just shows that he wasn't serious at all about going through with it. I'm sure that he will be trying to talk you out of leaving him and making promises that you can't bank on. But if you do leave him then only let him come back when he has actually gotten this divorce. I mean what else can you do?

[pocoestrella]

I'm sure that he will be trying to talk you out of leaving him and making promises that you can't bank on.

 

 

LOL very predictable these guy's aren't they! I've actually said to him that his mouth better not write checks that his a** can't cash!

 

I appreciate your input here... I really do love him a lot and I keep hoping he will do the right things for everyone involved...

 

As i've said before... it isn't MY truth i'm looking for... it is THE truth no matter what that truth is at least it's tangible, and real... my boyfriend doesn't seem to understand that I really want his happiness even *gulp* (sucking it up and being a big girl about this) if it means it's not with me...

 

I know he cares for his estranged wife and he should she is the mother of his children I wouldn't expect anything less from my ex who is the father of my little people... but I also understand that caring for someone and respecting them as the other parent of your child isn't the same as being in Love with them... he understands this as well and has told her several times that while he will always care about her well being he isn't in love with her...

 

Ugh! I'll keep you posted if you'd like or if you're willing to hear any more of the drama... lol!

 

Thank you again so much for your input:)

[Kizzyfur]

pocoestrella,

 

Your story is so familiar to me. I am in the same predicament myself. I've put up with my MM procrastiting for almost a year now. It does get frustrating when he's telling me he loves me and wants to be with me but he won't even talk to someone about what he has to do to get a divorce. He has told his wife he wants a divorce. I know the only reason he's procrastinating is because she has threatened that he would never see his kids again. I've told him that if he plays his cards right he should get custody of them in the divorce anyway. (please read my post: "Child Abuse??" in the parenting forum)

 

Well, I finally broke it off with him and told him I didn't want to hear from him until he had at least filed. I did contact him though to let him know I was scheduled to undergo a surgery and let him know how things went. He told me then that he misses me so much. That the last night we were together, when he walked into his house he knew he'd messed up. Told me he believes whoever said, "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" is right.

 

He's finally got the papers to be filled out but is out of state for work right now. Even though, I am not going to put my life on hold for him any longer. If I'm still available when he's filed for divorce he can work on getting me back then.

[pocoestrella]

 

 

Kizzy,

 

Can I ask you how the two of you met? When I met my boyfriend I didn't even know he was married... when he finally told me 3 almost 4 months later he then told me that they were seperated and had been for over a year... he had also told me that she knew straight up that divorce was his agenda...

 

This has been the hardest thing i've ever been through in my life! I've spoke with her (his wife) and to his father... she (his wife) isn't happy and she lives in another state from him... but somehow she doesn't want a divorce... I think the hardest part of this besides just the up's and down's of it all has been that when people know he is married they look at me like there is something wrong with me... i'm not a home wrecker or a bad person... I was lied to as well... I wouldn't have gotten involved with him to begin with had I known he wasn't divorced as i've been on the other end of things and divorced my husband for not keeping it in his pants...

 

I have heard different opinions on this... that I should leave him and so it forces him to do the right thing... and i've also heard that I should stay with him and continue to be patient... ugh! it really is so hard for me because I do love him a lot and want him to be happy... but I also want to do the right thing for myself you know?

 

Please keep me posted as to what happens in your situation... I feel terrible for you that you're in this place as well as myself....

 

Good Luck girl;)

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Why didn't you ask him if he were married when you first met him or when both of you started getting emotionally involved? Even if he's not wearing a wedding ring, it's good to ask. This guy is playing you for a fool. Number one, it's a bad call to get involved with someone else while you're still married even if you are separated. Atleast get divorced first and then leave instead of taking someone through that mess with you.

 

Secondly, he waits until you're all into him before he tells you that he's married (though separated), and he did that for a reason: because he knew at that point you wouldn't be going any where from him. And now he's stalling on getting a divorce. And why should he rush. You're still there and you're making it perfectly clear that you're not really going to go anywhere. If you were strong enough to leave, you would have been gone a long time ago.

[pocoestrella]

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KD,

 

I DID ask him if he was married when I met him! Point blank asked him ''Are you married?" I asked ALL the same questions any logical, intelligent person would ask someone BEFORE getting involved with them.

 

It's interesting to me how assumptions are made regarding these kinds of situations... instead of asking why didn't this guy TELL me he was married it is assumed that the woman must be some dumb ass and it never occured to her to ask.

 

You are saying in your post why should he "rush" to get divorced because there I am for him right, just like a dumb ass uh KD? That I am somehow "weak" or not strong enough as you like to put it... well let me tell you something KD If I was STRONG enough to divorce the father of my little people whom I had been married to for 7 years because of his infidelity and STRONG enough to go back to school to get my degree while working full time and STRONG enough to raise my little people on my own then you can bet your ass i'm STRONG enough to do the right things for myself and my kids NOW!

[ThisGirlNameKD]

pocoestrella:

 

Some things in my post may have sound unsettling to you. But it's reality. No I'm not calling you dumb. And I'm not saying you're totally weak. But in this area, there are alarms going off around you and you're not listening to them.

 

Number one, if a man is separated but still married to his wife, the relationship is not over. When it's truly over, when they truly feel the need to move on, then they act on a divorce. If you asked him if he were married and he flat out lied and told you NO, it was because he was afraid of losing you at that time. When he felt less threatened about losing you, he finally became truthful about the matter and told you he was married. The reason why he waited to tell you was because he knew that once you were completely emotionally involved with him you wouldn't leave. Have you asked him why he lied to you? What did he say?

 

So now this guy feels they're no rush to get a divorce because you didn't leave after finding out he lied to you, which according to you is not the only time he lied to you, and you didn't leave when you found out he was still married. In his mind he probably feels you're not going anywhere anytime soon...you're just blowing smoke. This is how some guys do and this is there mentality. Don't get upset with me, I'm telling you how a man with this mentality is viewing all of this.

[pocoestrella]

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KD,

 

What is "unsettling" to me in your reply was the assumptions you were making... asking why I hadn't asked if he was married and coming across like i'm not bright enough to understand the reality of what is happening...

 

This is something i've lived with and looked at from every single angle trust me... there isn't any point or angle that you can come up with that I haven't already anaylzed to death.

 

To answer your question... yes of course I asked him why he had lied to me, why when he wasn't divorced was he pursuing a relationship with me... he did tell me straight up that he had lied to me because he was interested in me and he knew straight up I wouldn't give him the opportunity to take things any further than friends if I knew he was married... I asked him the first time I met him if he was married!

 

I am NOT a weak girl nor am I ignorant to what is happening... regardless of how much I love him, I love my little girls and I love myself enough to do the right things for us regardless if HE is strong enough to do them for me... and that is MY reality and what I will have to live with even if it's not with him.

 

None the less, appreciate your input.

[Kizzyfur]

pocoestrella,

 

You had asked me how I met my MM. Well, you and everyone else will probably think me a rotten low life, good for nothing homewrecker. Please don't judge me, however, as you don't know the whole story.

His wife was a co-worker of mine. So I met him through her. Apparently I knew he was married. But as I said, please don't judge because you don't know the whole story. It would take me the rest of the night to tell it to you. I will tell you this much. They were not happy in the marriage for a long time. However, I did not intentionally do anything to "take" him from her. Quite the opposite, I kept trying to push him into working things out with her.

 

I think it's hard to make a decision in a matters like these. For one, it's not easy to find someone you really get along with. And when you do you don't want to let him go. On top of that, you have the guy telling you he loves you and wants nothing more than to be with you. On the other hand he's not going through with getting divorced. What makes the situation even more difficult is when there are children involved and you know that he is actually too scared to file because he doesn't want to lose them forever.

 

It's not an easy choice to make. But in the case with my MM, I believe if he really loves me as much as he claims, he will file for divorce before it's too late. Unfortunately, he's also got to deal with having to be out of state for work too.

 

I will keep you updated as to how things progress with my situation if you're interested.

[pocoestrella]

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Kizzy,

 

Keep me posted... I certainly hope he does the right thing for everyone involved.

[Tootrustingguy]

I'm in your shoes pocoestrella, however I'm a guy with a married woman.

 

Interesting posts by all involved. I can relate so well to you pocoestrella, it's amazing. Maybe our type of people are too nice or too understanding as some put it.

 

One thing I'd like to say is both people involved made a choice. If you were lied to, you made a choice based on bad info But after you found out he was married you made the choice to stick with him. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Marriage is pretty sacred in my opinion b/c of what it is based on...not the ceremony or the papers. Sounds like his marriage isn't based on the right things. Relationships are rarely cut and dry...just the way it is.

 

You are not "stealing" this man. Yes, you made a choice to be with him but he is the one making a choice to be with you. The fact his wife doesn't want a divorce and is fighting him tooth and nail makes her as bad as anyone else. Before you came along this couple already had serious issues.

 

Unfortunately, it is your MM that is to blame more than anyone. People do things b/c they feel motivated to do them. They make choices on the same level. He was motivated to lie about his marriage, so he did. But he is not quite yet motivated enough to get his divorce, or he would. He may love you and he may really want to be with you. But I bet he wants all of that without getting a divorce. Because the divorce will be HARD and it will not be pleasant. Why go through all that if he has you now? He doesn't have a lot of motivation to do it.

 

Like you my love isn't conditional..."you better do this or else..." however, in my case it's to the point to where I have to say such things. You have made a choice to put yourself at the mercy of this mans integrity b/c you trusted him. He is not passing the grade. You need to set some boundaries and rules. Explain to him if he wants you he must do the following.....etc. It will not be pleasant! But you have been the best woman you can be for him and at this point, it's up to him to honor the promises he spoke to you a long time ago. If he doesn't understand the importance of that he will never understand the type of relationship you want...and you will be very miserable trying put that square peg in the round hole.

 

Good luck with your issue as I feel your pain! Stand your ground and make your needs known...your needs are right and just. If they aren't met...you MUST go.

[pocoestrella]

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ToTrusting,

 

Thank your input... I know you're right of course....

 

I have let it be known to him that regardless of how much I love him I will not be in this place with him because it isn't fair to me... really it isn't fair to anyone.

 

He of course stands by the "i'm getting a divorce" but we are right now seperated by my choice until he does the right things for everyone involved.

 

I'm reading a book called the road less traveled... it is helping...

 

Thanks a bunch for your words here... and I also wish you the best.

[Unlucky In Love]

I have a little story for you all. I once had a friend who was seeing a married man. Her boyfriend and I were friends, although we never went out. He claimed to be separated with a wife and 4 kids in Arizona. He moved to California and started dating my friend. Four years went by and he never left his wife. He continued to date my friend and anyone else he wanted while still holding on to his wife and 4 kids in another state.

 

Cheaters never change, they just keep cheating.

 

You man is doing wrong by not getting a divorce. He wants to maintain ties with his wife so that when he's done with you, he can run back to her and get her forgiveness.

 

If he was ready to make a commitment with you, or even worthy of it, he would do the right thing and sever all ties with his wife. Since he hasn't, he is still playing games.

 

If I were you I would move on. There are plenty of single men in this world. Enough to go around so that noone has to date someone who's married.

[Kizzyfur]

pocoestrella,

 

You had requested that I keep you posted as to what happens with my MM. Well, he's filing for divorce tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest. He has received information about how his wife is raising (or not raising) his children. (more details in my post "child abuse" if you're interested). He has also gotten proof of her affair with a guy from work. Even got her to confess. As if that didn't piss him off enough, his wife has gotten his mother involved in trying to get me out of his life.

 

I recently received an email from his mom telling me to back the **** off because I was doing nothing more than ruining his family. Yes, I let him read it. He is more than a little upset about that. He doesn't talk to his mother about what's going on in his life and his wife is playing on that fact. Since his mom doesn't know what's REALLY going on, his wife has convinced her that I'm trying to tell him the kids aren't his and to just leave them. Well what his mom doesn't know is that I have actually kept him from doing stupid **** like that on numerous occassions. Suicide being one of them. I wonder if she'll still want me to back off once she finds out that I have kept her baby from killing himself because of the stupid bitch he's married to. Or that I helped to talk him out of just giving up on everything and running away before he even tried because his wife has him so convinced that he can succeed at nothing he sets out to do. I want so much to tell her everything I know, everything I've learned since they started talking to me about their marital problems to begin with, but I can't. I did write her an email back explaining as much as I could for now. Since I wasn't mad at her, I didn't bitch her out. I understand she's only going by what she's been told.

 

So anyway, he's taking time off work to come back and file for divorce and get things moving.

[Kizzyfur]

My MM has filed for divorce. His wife should receive the papers within seven to ten days.

 

He is going after custody of his kids.

 

Oh, and I got a reply back from his mom after I wrote to her explaining as much as I could about what's going on. She thanked me for the information as well as anything I have done to help her son.