Alive_Again Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 ... and my younger sister, with whom I have a difficult relationship, has been named executor (or executrix I suppose). This all sends me back 13 years, when my father died and named his son-in-law, my then husband, executor ('cause he's a lawyer, I guess). My husband, who became my ex about 3 years later, spent all of 11 years winding up the estate, and then had the executorship taken away from him because he failed to finish doing so. There were assets there that lost huge value, impacting not only our own kids' college savings but those of my niece and nephew. Now it's my sister's turn to execute an estate. Before our mom has even passed away, my sister has proposed taking our mom's car back to her home state to sell, with the proceeds divided among the four kids (her two and my two). Not that it's worth that much at this point, but I find myself reminded of my disenfranchisement back then (one of the assets back then was my dad's car, which my ex kept and still drives, though eventually he was forced to reimburse the estate for it). My fear that I'm going to be betrayed by my sister as I was by my own husband at the time is overwhelming. I just tried to do the mature thing and tell her how I am feeling and that I take responsibility for my feelings, and then also gave her a rational reason why I didn't think it would be good to take the car. She picked out the rational reason and said basically, "That's the input I need, so why do I need to hear about your feelings? You're telling me I'm gonna do what (my ex) did, aren't you?" I told her she was reading into that, but the conversation ended on a bitter note (again, sigh). I don't want to be heading to the hospital to see my mother every day with these angry, scared feelings building up inside me. How do I rewrite the scene this time? What can I do differently? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 My fear that I'm going to be betrayed by my sister as I was by my own husband at the time is overwhelming. You need to get a grip on this. Be honest with your sister and tell her that your experience with your ex is making you afraid - don't lie to her or hide how you feel. She guessed it anyway. Open up to her and let her help you by allowing you to be part of the decision-making - as she already did by discussing the car thing with you. I'm sure this is difficult for her as it is, so don't make it harder by allowing the emotions from your past take over. SHE is not your husband. Don't project his behavior onto her. Keep the two cases separate in your head, because they are. Can you see a therapist to help talk through this with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alive_Again Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 Be honest with your sister and tell her that your experience with your ex is making you afraid - don't lie to her or hide how you feel. She guessed it anyway. No, read my post again. She did not guess it anyway, because I did just as you suggested and opened up to her: I just tried to do the mature thing and tell her how I am feeling and that I take responsibility for my feelings ... And what was her response? To ask why I was telling her about my feelings. In the meantime our mother has died. It is more stressful now than ever - I cannot say a single thing without triggering my sister's anger. The tension is horrible. I want to leave but can't until after the memorial service. I am cutting us both some slack because I know it's stressful, but this is different - the adrenalin is constantly flowing, my heart's pounding, and I'm afraid to open my mouth. This is what my home was always like in the past and I never could deal with it before. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Ignore your sister. Igorne anyone who has hurt your feelings. See your mom. Hug her. Talk with her about her life before she was married and had kids. Talk to her about her feelings about her family. Hug her. Tell her you love her and also tell her that you know she loves you. She needs to know you know that. Deal with your relatives later and don't worry about material things. Your mother isn't worried about them because she has (or is in the process of) emotionally letting go of all things material. You can too. I have a sister I haven't dealt with in nearly 30 years now. I cared for my mom for 8 years (she lived with us) and I spent my time, our time, loving each other. Looking at old photos of family that died long before I was ever thought of and talking about them with mom - and making sure she knew I loved her and that she knew I knew She Loved Me - that's very important. You have to learn to separate material problems from quality time with your mother - even if that means you and your sister do not see your mom together - or make a pact that when you walk in the room together you put aside all material things and all personal problems and hurt feelings and concentrate on the love there is between you and your mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alive_Again Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 Just drop this thread now. Both of you who responded ignored what I wrote and read into it what you wanted to. I didn't care about the material things, just the conflict with my sister that resulted from them. And I WAS trying to leave my feelings at the door when my mom was alive. And if you'd read my second post, Hokey, you'd have seen that she died before you wrote that. Feeling worse than ever now. What's the point of posting if no one's gonna read what I wrote anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
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