Cheating in a marriage is what makes the marriage work...

[FrustratedStandards]

Okay.

 

My sister had gotten drunk on her last visit, and admitted something to me that hurt me very much.

 

She confessed that the reason her marriage had been working so well (she had been married for a little over 16 years now) is because she regularly cheats on her husband.

 

She enjoys the sexual stimulation from other men, and as a result there are less tensions in her marriage. She gets her sexual release, she isn't as frustrated with her husband for being unable to satisfy her, and both of them no longer argue about sex (her not being satisfied so always being unhappy). The unsatisfactory sex she has with her husband no longer bothers her, so the relationship is focused less on sex (her nagging and him feeling bad for not pleasing her, or, her not wanting to have sex with him because it just builds her sexual frustrations).

 

Instead, she says she gets her satisfaction outside of the marriage, and comes home to a loving, caring, incredible husband otherwise. The sex that they do have is no longer bothersome, so it is more frequent, and her husband is happier as a result.

 

I asked her if she ever felt guilty, but she said she didn't, because after she started cheating regularly (to her regularly is a few times a year) her marriage significantly got better.

 

Clearly I am hurt. After all these years of looking up to their marriage and hoping one day to find the same happiness in a monogamous relationship, turns out it's for all the wrong reasons.

 

(Her husband doesn't know she cheats.)

 

Thoughts?

[Woggle]

I feel bad for her husband. If I found out my wife was doing this it would be an instant divorce.

[Stung]

My thought is that your sister is incredibly self-absorbed, and that her marriage is built on a house of cards. It's a sad situation and her husband deserves better, but it doesn't speak to some greater truth about all marriages.

 

Discontinue your habit of looking to your sister as an example of romantic and emotional health. She has not found the key you are looking for, and is instead all false fronts.

[FitChick]

The mods should probably post this in the marriage or infidelity forum(s).

[Negative Nancy]

The poor husband. You should tell him so he can make an informed decision.

[EnigmaticClarity]

(her nagging and him feeling bad for not pleasing her, or, her not wanting to have sex with him because it just builds her sexual frustrations).

 

Did she tell you why he frustrates her or what she nags him about?

[verhrzn]

I hear about this a lot, being a frequent reader/listener of Savage Love. Usually it's men who are doing the cheating to stay "sane" in their relationship, so it's... refreshing?... to hear it's a woman now.

 

This is apparently very, very common, the philosophy being that it's better to get your sexual needs met outside and preserve a relationship that is good and loving otherwise and "spare" the children/other spouse the pain of a divorce.

 

However, even under SavageLove's rules, your sister is still a CPOS. (Cheating Piece of S---.) Unless she went through all the steps necessary...having her husband's health get checked out (he might have a disease that effects his libido), clearly outlining her sexual needs and looking for ways to explore their kinks together, going to a sex-positive therapist, and finally negotiating with him about having an open relationship.... then she is just a selfish, manipulative person who deserves a swift kick out the door.

[Woggle]

The poor husband. You should tell him so he can make an informed decision.

 

See this is an example it is not only men who are not satisfied with one person. It goes both ways.

[FrustratedStandards]

The poor husband. You should tell him so he can make an informed decision.

 

I would never be responsible for the demise of their relationship. It's none of my business and I never repeat what I am told.

 

Did she tell you why he frustrates her or what she nags him about?

 

I didn't ask, but i'm guessing just nagging and frustration in general because she was so sexually frustrated? I guess now that all the tension is gone, she's a little more at ease and relaxed. I'm assuming that's what she meant by "better after I started getting sexual satisfaction".

[FrustratedStandards]

I hear about this a lot, being a frequent reader/listener of Savage Love. Usually it's men who are doing the cheating to stay "sane" in their relationship, so it's... refreshing?... to hear it's a woman now.

 

This is apparently very, very common, the philosophy being that it's better to get your sexual needs met outside and preserve a relationship that is good and loving otherwise and "spare" the children/other spouse the pain of a divorce.

 

However, even under SavageLove's rules, your sister is still a CPOS. (Cheating Piece of S---.) Unless she went through all the steps necessary...having her husband's health get checked out (he might have a disease that effects his libido), clearly outlining her sexual needs and looking for ways to explore their kinks together, going to a sex-positive therapist, and finally negotiating with him about having an open relationship.... then she is just a selfish, manipulative person who deserves a swift kick out the door.

 

Actually yes, i'm glad you brought that up. They have two children together, both relatively young.

 

Her husband is a horn dog, trust me. Even the way he behaves around her, libido is NOT the problem lol.

 

Again, I didn't ask her whether or not they tried a bunch of things, but from what she told me (he just doesn't please her sexually) i'm not sure if a sex therapist could fix that. From my own experience, I know it's very difficult to achieve orgasm.

 

Negotiate for an open relationship? What husband would agree to sharing his wife?

[Negative Nancy]

See this is an example it is not only men who are not satisfied with one person. It goes both ways.

 

We don't know for sure if he isn't getting it on the side as well. Wouldn't surprise me.

[EnigmaticClarity]

I didn't ask, but i'm guessing just nagging and frustration in general because she was so sexually frustrated? I guess now that all the tension is gone, she's a little more at ease and relaxed. I'm assuming that's what she meant by "better after I started getting sexual satisfaction".

 

Not much we can intelligently comment upon then without knowing why he isn't able to satisfy her. If by "nagging" you meant she tried to work on their sex but he was unwilling or unable to do it, then perhaps she truly did have no recourse. If she never really communicated her issues clearly to him, then that's another thing entirely.

[verhrzn]

Actually yes, i'm glad you brought that up. They have two children together, both relatively young.

 

Her husband is a horn dog, trust me. Even the way he behaves around her, libido is NOT the problem lol.

 

Again, I didn't ask her whether or not they tried a bunch of things, but from what she told me (he just doesn't please her sexually) i'm not sure if a sex therapist could fix that. From my own experience, I know it's very difficult to achieve orgasm.

 

Negotiate for an open relationship? What husband would agree to sharing his wife?

 

The kind who would also then get to have adventures for himself, and then wouldn't be staring down the barrel of a divorce.

 

If he "doesn't please her sexually," a sex-positive therapist would be beneficial in exploring WHY. Is there a mental block in place? Is there a lack of communication? Is she just a heartless b*tch?, etc.

[FrustratedStandards]

We don't know for sure if he isn't getting it on the side as well. Wouldn't surprise me.

 

This is true.

 

Which brings me to my next question. Even though I don't agree with cheating AT ALL, if people do it and still maintain a good and healthy marriage, is it so wrong then?

 

I mean, people complain that sex is so shallow a thing to base a real relationship on, then is it so wrong to get this shallow things elsewhere so you can focus on the real stuff?

 

I can't believe i'm asking this. I'm just exploring the idea. I mean, if it's so common then obviously it works?

[FrustratedStandards]

Not much we can intelligently comment upon then without knowing why he isn't able to satisfy her. If by "nagging" you meant she tried to work on their sex but he was unwilling or unable to do it, then perhaps she truly did have no recourse. If she never really communicated her issues clearly to him, then that's another thing entirely.

 

No no. I remember distinctly that by "nagging" she meant just being a naggy wife altogether.

[FrustratedStandards]

The kind who would also then get to have adventures for himself, and then wouldn't be staring down the barrel of a divorce.

 

If he "doesn't please her sexually," a sex-positive therapist would be beneficial in exploring WHY. Is there a mental block in place? Is there a lack of communication? Is she just a heartless b*tch?, etc.

 

This is also true. But men are more likely to stray from a marriage due to external sexual relationships than a woman is. I mean, after all these years of cheating, she is still a good wife to him (you know what I mean). If a man cheats regularly, he is more likely to treat his wife like crap because he can get away with it. I guess i'm defending my sister a bit in saying this, but she is cheating to get the sexual frustration out of the way. Not just to be adventurous and a player.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I don't think it's the responsibility of a third-party or even relative to intervene with someone else marriage. I think it's better going other ways about it.

 

For all you know he could already know...or he might even suspect something but turn a blind eye. I don't think after 16 years of being married to someone you don't notice when they break pattern, or eventually do something that would be highly suspicious.

 

I think the only place in this situation, being that it's her sister is to talk with her sister and have her consider divorcing If it's that big of an issue or confessing to the husband her deeds. The main problem here is the trust, eventually she'll be caught or it will come out in the open, it's typically only a matter of time with these things and then the situation will turn very sour.

 

It's also not fair to him and his emotions obviously, If he doesn't suspect anything wrong and he's just trying to be the best husband he can be while she gets her rocks off with other guys to balance the relationship, that might sound good on paper to her but in the big picture it's not right...even though after 16 years im sure some interesting exceptions or dynamics can change in a marriage I don't think it means you don't communicate with your partner about it and keep it a secret.

 

So it's either his right to do the same thing, or at least know about it, but at least be honest about it. I think the other concern I would have in this situation is STD's, she's jeopardizing his health by sleeping around and she might just sleep with the wrong guy one day who slips off the condom or lies about having one on...and then he pays the price for it.

 

I've seen this happen before with AID's, the husband was secretly gay and fooled around, he died of it and then his wife years later and after they divorced...and she never cheated or was with anyone else. It was a mistake and he told her, but of course by then it was too late.

[musemaj11]

If he is paying you, the least thing you should give is your loyalty.

[DepressedinDenver]

This is true.

 

Which brings me to my next question. Even though I don't agree with cheating AT ALL, if people do it and still maintain a good and healthy marriage, is it so wrong then?

 

I mean, people complain that sex is so shallow a thing to base a real relationship on, then is it so wrong to get this shallow things elsewhere so you can focus on the real stuff?

 

I can't believe i'm asking this. I'm just exploring the idea. I mean, if it's so common then obviously it works?

 

Yeah im sure it is until the person getting cheated on finds out like I did and then the marriage is over. So no youre sister is just a piece of **** and just lives in nothing but a fantasy world. A cake eating one that will explode in her face soon rather than later.

[FitChick]

Her husband is a horn dog, trust me. Even the way he behaves around her, libido is NOT the problem lol.

 

This could just be a show he puts on if he thinks she's talked to you about their sex life. My friend's ex was the same, hands all over her in public, baby talk. It was disgusting. But at home he jerked off to porn and they never had sex.

 

Some people, like Demi and Bruce, Demi and Ashton, Will and Jada, Trudie and Sting, have admitted they have open marriages but we have seen that it doesn't always work out.

[FrustratedStandards]

Again, I am going to defend my sister in saying this (even though I don't 100% agree with it). She is cheating to avoid problems in her marriage. She never had an affair so-to-speak, but only random nights of sexual encounters (she said she ALWAYS used protection and was careful) which I don't doubt, because before she was married she was always very safe about casual sex too.

 

I don't think she will tell him because she has a lot at stake (two kids and a marriage). But then again, if she didn't cheat and this nagging and fighting continued, the marriage could have already been over.

 

So I guess what i'm asking is, is it so bad what she is doing if it saved her marriage?

 

Eeeeeeeek. Don't judge me. I'm just trying not to think bad of my sister by justifying what she is doing. I'm sure i'm not the only one who would be doing this in my situation.

[FrustratedStandards]

And please refrain from calling her names and using profanity. As much as I don't agree with what she is doing, it still hurts my feelings. This is my sister.

[DepressedinDenver]

awww youre feelings are hurt?

 

Imagine her husbands feelings when he finds out.

[FrustratedStandards]

awww youre feelings are hurt?

 

Imagine her husbands feelings when he finds out.

 

If you don't have anything relevant to say, then don't say anything at all. Thanks.

 

I'm no happier about this situation than the rest of you.

[Woggle]

If she has to cheat not to hate her husband they don't have much of a marriage at all. I am not calling names but that is the truth. I just hope when things blow up and they will that she won't try and act like the victim.