Cheating in a marriage is what makes the marriage work...

[DepressedinDenver]

If you don't have anything relevant to say, then don't say anything at all. Thanks.

 

I'm no happier about this situation than the rest of you.

 

Then why are you trying to make it sound so positive when in REALITY it is not?

[FrustratedStandards]

If she has to cheat not to hate her husband they don't have much of a marriage at all. I am not calling names but that is the truth. I just hope when things blow up and they will that she won't try and act like the victim.

 

Why would she hate him? She doesn't hate him at all. She's just getting sexual satisfaction elsewhere. She is very good to him otherwise. She helped him build the company he has right now, and without her this company wouldn't exist. When he lost his job before the company existed, she went on to work full-time and two part time jobs while he worked things out.

 

She has sacrificed a lot for him too. People who hate their husbands don't do that.

[FrustratedStandards]

Then why are you trying to make it sound so positive when in REALITY it is not?

 

I'm trying to see the positive things because I don't want to hate her for her choices in her relationship. That's why. I am trying to justify the unjustifiable as much as I can to preserve the relationship with my sister.

[DepressedinDenver]

I'm trying to see the positive things because I don't want to hate her for her choices in her relationship. That's why. I am trying to justify the unjustifiable as much as I can to preserve the relationship with my sister.

 

Well it is the cheaters job to justify this unjustifiable not yours. You are just being brought into her web of lies.

[Woggle]

Why would she hate him? She doesn't hate him at all. She's just getting sexual satisfaction elsewhere. She is very good to him otherwise. She helped him build the company he has right now, and without her this company wouldn't exist. When he lost his job before the company existed, she went on to work full-time and two part time jobs while he worked things out.

 

She has sacrificed a lot for him too. People who hate their husbands don't do that.

 

Nagging and fighting unless she is not getting some on the side are not the actions of a loving wife. I know she is your sister but look at the situation without blinders on. I have family who are complete eff ups and I have no issue admitting that to myself.

[FrustratedStandards]

Well it is the cheaters job to justify this unjustifiable not yours. You are just being brought into her web of lies.

 

This is my SISTER. If someone as important in your life came to you with such a confession, I doubt you would react the same way you are now. Thanks for the support. You can stop talking now.

[carhill]

So I guess what i'm asking is, is it so bad what she is doing if it saved her marriage?

 

If they define it as 'saved', then that's what it is. The only fly in the ointment, at least as far as you know, is that 'they' isn't accurate in this instance, rather 'she'. Without a clear airing of her H's perspective, 'saved' is clearly circumstantial to one unilateral perspective, your sister's.

 

Depending on the man's 'sensitivity', even the most practiced and aware of women can 'leak' their mindset (about the ONS/casual sex/etc) into their everyday routines. Her H might be blissfully unaware, or maybe not so. Only the two of them know and you're only hearing one side.

 

If anything, considering the prior respect you apparently had for their M, this revelation should help with the process of seeing life as imperfect and making choices which align with your perspective, mindful of the responsibility which comes with choice. In that realm, I think it's good information. Thanks for sharing

[DepressedinDenver]

This is my SISTER. If someone as important in your life came to you with such a confession, I doubt you would react the same way you are now. Thanks for the support. You can stop talking now.

 

Denial will get you nowhere. Peace out.

[musemaj11]

And even she gets a divorce thrown at her face, she will still try to take half his money, alimony and child custody plus the support.

 

Marriage is for ignorant or stupid men.

[FrustratedStandards]

Nagging and fighting unless she is not getting some on the side are not the actions of a loving wife. I know she is your sister but look at the situation without blinders on. I have family who are complete eff ups and I have no issue admitting that to myself.

 

It's true. She is a cheater.

 

I guess they would both be better off if they divorced and spent the rest of their children's lives trying to make it work so they don't grow up with emotional problems. Sharing on weekends, splitting the company assets, stocks, investments, as well as trying to keep the kids happy.

 

It's the honest way I guess.

[kaylan]

OP, her marriage isnt working.

 

Its a time bomb waiting to explode and is being patched up with lies and deceit.

 

Dont let her get you down.

[FrustratedStandards]

OP, her marriage isnt working.

 

Its a time bomb waiting to explode and is being patched up with lies and deceit.

 

Dont let her get you down.

 

But that's the thing. It's been working for 16 years

 

And thank you. I appreciate the sympathy. It was a really big blow and i'm glad someone could acknowledge that. Thank you.

[kaylan]

But that's the thing. It's been working for 16 years

 

And thank you. I appreciate the sympathy. It was a really big blow and i'm glad someone could acknowledge that. Thank you.

I doubt the husband is completely clueless then. If he is, then hes someone with a very bad read of people.

 

I can tell from someones personality and character if theyre capable of such a thing. I mean your sister, if you truly know her, cannot be breaking character too much from how you know her.

 

Theres always "tells" in someones personality, words, reactions, etc that let you know if theyre the type of person to selfishly betray someone. If youre a good read of people, youll do fine in picking a mate in the future.

 

Dont let your sisters crappy behavior make you jaded. Im pretty sure the husband suspects something, but is too weak to do anything about it. He prolly doesnt think he can do better if he does in fact know whats going on.

[carhill]

People have choices and those choices result in paths. There are many potentials. Your sister is walking one path right now; one of many potential paths. It's possible that she and her H could amicably split up, co-parent healthily, and work through their shared finances in a mutually beneficial way. They each have choices. No path's destination is preordained. There are many off-ramps.

[ShannonMI]

Okay.

 

My sister had gotten drunk on her last visit, and admitted something to me that hurt me very much.

 

She confessed that the reason her marriage had been working so well (she had been married for a little over 16 years now) is because she regularly cheats on her husband.

 

She enjoys the sexual stimulation from other men, and as a result there are less tensions in her marriage. She gets her sexual release, she isn't as frustrated with her husband for being unable to satisfy her, and both of them no longer argue about sex (her not being satisfied so always being unhappy). The unsatisfactory sex she has with her husband no longer bothers her, so the relationship is focused less on sex (her nagging and him feeling bad for not pleasing her, or, her not wanting to have sex with him because it just builds her sexual frustrations).

 

Instead, she says she gets her satisfaction outside of the marriage, and comes home to a loving, caring, incredible husband otherwise. The sex that they do have is no longer bothersome, so it is more frequent, and her husband is happier as a result.

 

I asked her if she ever felt guilty, but she said she didn't, because after she started cheating regularly (to her regularly is a few times a year) her marriage significantly got better.

 

Clearly I am hurt. After all these years of looking up to their marriage and hoping one day to find the same happiness in a monogamous relationship, turns out it's for all the wrong reasons.

 

(Her husband doesn't know she cheats.)

 

Thoughts?

One word: GROSS:sick:

[FrustratedStandards]

I don't agree with what she is doing, but at the same time I think it would be ridiculous for her to break an entire family just to pursue some sexual needs. If she can fill that void and maintain a happy family, then in the end she is doing more good than bad.

[FrustratedStandards]

Women do not like sex so I have a hard time believing your story. Most women have alot more better things do than to waste time on sex.

 

When men cheat it's because they don't get enough sex from their wifes. When women cheat they are doing it out of spite, not because they have sexual needs and that's why it's way worse when women do it.

 

...clearly you are oblivious to a woman's sexuality.

[ShannonMI]

This is my SISTER. If someone as important in your life came to you with such a confession, I doubt you would react the same way you are now. Thanks for the support. You can stop talking now.

But your sister doesn't even feel guilty about what she's doing. Sister or not, she's a liar and a cheater. Her poor husband. I feel bad for him.

[setsenia]

I understand some people believe that open relationships help them have a better relationship and more satisfied and that is fine. The solution is simple: don't get married. Marriage is a binding contract that you are to tied forever and are to be monogamous with that one person. That is even worse that your sister thinks it's no problem to not tell her husband. He has the right to know if she's committing adultery and to get a divorce.

[OliveOyl]

So I guess what i'm asking is, is it so bad what she is doing if it saved her marriage?

 

Why bother saving something that isn't really worth saving in the first place?

 

It isn't bad, it isn't good, it just is. It is something that causes consequences and reactions. The problem is that the foundation of the marriage is built on what I call "split" energies. The lies to the husband are obviously damaging, but I think the self-lies (split energies) are just as damaging. She undoubtably has many internal conflicts about it and for a while it will hold up fine.... but after a while it will get harder and harder. She has conflicting beliefs: "I have a good marriage" along with "My marriage is unfulfilling sexually and I have to tell lies to keep up the facade." It takes a lot of mental energy to keep the lies going and keep the internal conflict at bay. Eventually it may wear at her and cause some sort of crisis, breakdown, and she may allow herself to accidentally get "caught" so she can resolve it.

 

Of course it would be much more healing and freeing for her to directly confront the issues. But she may just not be ready for it. I applaud people decide to make a choice that integrates themselves (either work on the marriage or leave it) rather than staying stuck in the muck, which is probably where she is now.

[Stung]

Actually yes, i'm glad you brought that up. They have two children together, both relatively young.

 

Her husband is a horn dog, trust me. Even the way he behaves around her, libido is NOT the problem lol.

 

Again, I didn't ask her whether or not they tried a bunch of things, but from what she told me (he just doesn't please her sexually) i'm not sure if a sex therapist could fix that. From my own experience, I know it's very difficult to achieve orgasm.

 

Negotiate for an open relationship? What husband would agree to sharing his wife?

 

1. It is never a good idea to assume that you know what transpires within a marriage, based on what you are allowed to see of it in public.

 

2. Sex therapists can't fix everything, but they can't fix anything if they're never consulted. Sexual technique, use of fantasy, open communication between partners, these could all fall under the therapist's umbrella. Communication about sex alone can make or break a marital bed. I would add that if your sister is having difficulty acheiving orgasm in general, that issue lies within her, not her husband, and is something they would HAVE to address TOGETHER to overcome.

 

3. Open marriages are a ticking time bomb for many, but for some others they really work. Many husbands not only agree to this arrangement, they're often the instigators.

 

 

This is true.

 

Which brings me to my next question. Even though I don't agree with cheating AT ALL, if people do it and still maintain a good and healthy marriage, is it so wrong then?

 

I mean, people complain that sex is so shallow a thing to base a real relationship on, then is it so wrong to get this shallow things elsewhere so you can focus on the real stuff?

 

I can't believe i'm asking this. I'm just exploring the idea. I mean, if it's so common then obviously it works?

 

Sex is a shallow thing to base an entire relationship on, perhaps--but that's very different from admitting that it IS an important cornerstone. A marriage is woven together of many parts, and sex is not just a minor little detail in the weave for most people. And please make no mistake: your sister is not just misbehaving a little bit sexually, she is betraying her husband's trust, she is lying to him and robbing him of intimacy and trust and his own dignity. She is robbing him of his right to choose how he lives his life. She is lying, breaking trust, and endangering her family unity, willfully and repeatedly.

 

Please don't mistake your sister's marriage as healthy. She is NOT maintaining healthy intimacy through betrayal.

 

If they were honestly engaging in an open relationship, then they would be two people who had decided that sex was shallow and who had agreed to get it taken care of elsewhere. Fine. An equitable decision. As it stands now, your sister is one half of a couple who has arrogantly decided that the other half should live a lie, and she is trying to sugarcoat this bitter pill--and so, I'm afraid, are you. In your case, it's understandable--you want to think the best of your sister, you see all her other, better qualities. I'm sure she does have some lovely qualities, but she is still a damaged human being who is strewing more damage in her wake, who is hurting the people she is supposed to love best of all, even though they haven't realized it yet.

 

Again, I am going to defend my sister in saying this (even though I don't 100% agree with it). She is cheating to avoid problems in her marriage. She never had an affair so-to-speak, but only random nights of sexual encounters (she said she ALWAYS used protection and was careful) which I don't doubt, because before she was married she was always very safe about casual sex too.

 

I don't think she will tell him because she has a lot at stake (two kids and a marriage). But then again, if she didn't cheat and this nagging and fighting continued, the marriage could have already been over.

 

So I guess what i'm asking is, is it so bad what she is doing if it saved her marriage?

 

Eeeeeeeek. Don't judge me. I'm just trying not to think bad of my sister by justifying what she is doing. I'm sure i'm not the only one who would be doing this in my situation.

 

I am also married, and I also have young children. That is why, if my marriage were struggling, if we were fighting and communication was poor and our sex life was frustrating and unsatisfying, I would fight to save the true quality of my marriage by having a lot of painful honest conversations with him, by insisting on therapy and marriage counseling. I wouldn't disrespect my husband, betray him, lie to everybody, and call that fighting for a marriage. It's the easy, lazy, weak way, and almost guaranteed to end up causing someone a lot of pain, even if it hasn't yet.

 

If she has to cheat not to hate her husband they don't have much of a marriage at all. I am not calling names but that is the truth. I just hope when things blow up and they will that she won't try and act like the victim.

 

Can't disagree with this.

 

If they define it as 'saved', then that's what it is. The only fly in the ointment, at least as far as you know, is that 'they' isn't accurate in this instance, rather 'she'. Without a clear airing of her H's perspective, 'saved' is clearly circumstantial to one unilateral perspective, your sister's.

 

Depending on the man's 'sensitivity', even the most practiced and aware of women can 'leak' their mindset (about the ONS/casual sex/etc) into their everyday routines. Her H might be blissfully unaware, or maybe not so. Only the two of them know and you're only hearing one side.

 

 

Agreed.

 

I doubt the husband is completely clueless then. If he is, then hes someone with a very bad read of people.

 

I can tell from someones personality and character if theyre capable of such a thing. I mean your sister, if you truly know her, cannot be breaking character too much from how you know her.

 

Theres always "tells" in someones personality, words, reactions, etc that let you know if theyre the type of person to selfishly betray someone. If youre a good read of people, youll do fine in picking a mate in the future.

 

Dont let your sisters crappy behavior make you jaded. Im pretty sure the husband suspects something, but is too weak to do anything about it. He prolly doesnt think he can do better if he does in fact know whats going on.

 

I'm afraid people are blindsided by betrayal more often than you seem to think, kaylan. Some people are better at reading signs than others...but conversely, some people are just really good at lying and obfuscating and compartmentalizing their souls.

[AD1980]

I doubt the husband is completely clueless then. If he is, then hes someone with a very bad read of people.

 

I can tell from someones personality and character if theyre capable of such a thing. I mean your sister, if you truly know her, cannot be breaking character too much from how you know her.

 

Theres always "tells" in someones personality, words, reactions, etc that let you know if theyre the type of person to selfishly betray someone. If youre a good read of people, youll do fine in picking a mate in the future.

 

 

Not always the case my buddies wife he just got cheating and i can tell you tha this girl seemed to be the most loving sweet innocent girl youd ever meet and the last person you would think would ever cheat..

 

While a lot of times you can see it coming theryes also people out there with great poker faces or who just change.. its not easy to predict life or people unfortunately

[kaylan]

^Cant read my, Cant read my, No he cant read my Poker face!

[FrustratedStandards]

Why bother saving something that isn't really worth saving in the first place?

 

Of course it would be much more healing and freeing for her to directly confront the issues. But she may just not be ready for it. I applaud people decide to make a choice that integrates themselves (either work on the marriage or leave it) rather than staying stuck in the muck, which is probably where she is now.

 

Not worth saving? I think any family is worth saving, aside all other things.

 

Yes, she should confront the issue. But I am currently in a situation myself where I am no longer sexually attracted to the man I am seeing. I brought it up, we discussed it, and we are worse off to the point where we broke up.

 

He felt less of a man, was offended and hurt (understandable) and he said he didn't want to be with someone who had to open her legs because she didn't want to damage the relationship (also understandable). But the sad thing is everything else was really good. Bad sex killed all of that.

 

Now imagine this exact scenario except we have kids and built a life together.

 

It's either she breaks an entire family, or remains in a sexless relationship. Neither are fair.

[chelsea2011]

Actually yes, i'm glad you brought that up. They have two children together, both relatively young.

 

Her husband is a horn dog, trust me. Even the way he behaves around her, libido is NOT the problem lol.

 

Again, I didn't ask her whether or not they tried a bunch of things, but from what she told me (he just doesn't please her sexually) i'm not sure if a sex therapist could fix that. From my own experience, I know it's very difficult to achieve orgasm.

 

Negotiate for an open relationship? What husband would agree to sharing his wife?

 

Using a 3rd party to satisfy your needs so you can remain comfortable in your marriage is selfish in my book. If her husband is a horn dog, then it sounds like she s just not attracted to him sexually. Additionally, if everyone is not "in the know" about circumstances, meaning they all accept an open relationship, it's not fair.

 

Your sister needs therapy to figure out why she is afraid to confront the truth and deal with the issues in an open and honest way. By being deceptive, she is taking away another person's right to choose whether or not they accept the circumstances and want to stay. For what? All because she is afraid of the reaction telling the truth would create. That's not fair to her husband or the 3rd person she brings into the mix.