Cheating in a marriage is what makes the marriage work...

[gaius]

My mother was like that. She and my step father hated each other but stayed together for financial reasons, and she would cheat on him. He pretended he didn't know what was going on and she had something to occupy her mind other than trying to make him miserable. They probably would have ended up getting divorced a lot sooner if she had stayed loyal. They lasted about 15 years.

 

I imagine stuff like this is a lot more common then we wish to think but most people just don't talk about it. Happiness just isn't the #1 priority in a relationship for a lot of people.

[Jane2011]

This is true.

 

Which brings me to my next question. Even though I don't agree with cheating AT ALL, if people do it and still maintain a good and healthy marriage, is it so wrong then?

 

I mean, people complain that sex is so shallow a thing to base a real relationship on, then is it so wrong to get this shallow things elsewhere so you can focus on the real stuff?

 

I can't believe i'm asking this. I'm just exploring the idea. I mean, if it's so common then obviously it works?

 

I kinda know what you mean. I certainly don't relish the idea of my husband or serious boyfriend having sex with a woman other than me. (If I had to deal with it in reality, I may very well want to kill him and her!). But, in theory anyway, I'm certainly more supportive of the "open relationship" model when it refers to having shallow sex outside of the marriage for the sake of variety than I am to the "open relationship" model which allows meaningful emotional bonds.

 

I think I could get used to my husband having other sexual experiences as long as I'm frequently hearing that they mean nothing to him and that it's a purely physical thing. (And I believe it). AND, I am also having sex with other men that is just physical. (I think people are, by nature, resentful of disparity. When things can be equal, it's a lot more tolerable.)

 

However, if my husband had to deal with me having sex with other men, it would less likely be a "just physical" thing for me. I don't enjoy sex that much unless I have feelings for the guy. This doesn't necessarily have to mean head over heels in love, but I usually will have some feelings for the guy, an emotional/mental attraction to him, if I'm having sex with him.

 

I have a female friend (a PhD in family and relationships sociology) who believes in relationships like what's described in the OP. I kinda do, too, but in theory only (thus far). And not right off the bat, either. I kinda believe in it for couples who have been together 7+ years and maybe could use some sexual variety.

 

All of that being said, I don't necessarily think couples HAVE to do it. Couples can stay monogamous, too, and still be happy.

[Pyro]

And even she gets a divorce thrown at her face, she will still try to take half his money, alimony and child custody plus the support.

 

Marriage is for ignorant or stupid men.

 

and those who have nothing better to do than bitch about woman all day are ignorant or stupid.

 

Women do not like sex so I have a hard time believing your story. Most women have alot more better things do than to waste time on sex.

 

When men cheat it's because they don't get enough sex from their wifes. When women cheat they are doing it out of spite, not because they have sexual needs and that's why it's way worse when women do it.

 

Get lost WayneBrady:rolleyes:

 

I don't agree with what she is doing, but at the same time I think it would be ridiculous for her to break an entire family just to pursue some sexual needs. If she can fill that void and maintain a happy family, then in the end she is doing more good than bad.

 

How exactly would you feel if you were the husband and it was happening to you? Wouldn't you want to know the truth?

[Lostinlife4now]

Hi FS!

 

I guess I am a little confused....maybe I missed something in the postings....

but you said her husband was a horn dog....and it seems like he still wants her as a woman and a wife.....so what is the problem?

 

Is he a wham bam thank you kind of man? I never had a g-spot orgasm until I was 40 years old, never knew they existed... but there are other ways a woman can be satisfied! I dunno,,,am I making any sense here?

 

But really, she should not be living a lie...JMO...I feel sorry for the husband.

[FrustratedStandards]

How exactly would you feel if you were the husband and it was happening to you? Wouldn't you want to know the truth?

 

I've been there before. I once dated a guy I liked, and he liked me back equally. I wasn't very attracted to him and there was a period of time where we didn't have sex for a few weeks. All of a sudden he comes back to me all affectionate and happy (when we had fought the night before and he decided to go out to a club). Immediately I knew he had slept with someone else, but I knew it was a one time thing.

 

I didn't mind it all that much, because he was off my back about the lack of sex, and there wasn't anymore tension. It didn't bother me because I knew he was mine, and I was his, and this sex thing was exactly that....a sex thing.

 

I don't believe in marriage, however. That is why I am shocked that people who actually decide to get married do so while still continuing their regular "single" habits. If you get married then thats permanent monogamy (or it should be). That's why I don't want to ever get married (even though i've never cheated before). But at least I know the option is there, and I feel less confined.

 

Whenever someone decides to get married, in my mind that means they want absolutely no one else and they are dead serious with this person. Maybe that was the case with my sister, but what happens when the attraction goes and the sex dies down? Are our libidos supposed to go with it? And if they don't?

 

Ugh. Marriage just creates more problems.

Edited February 9, 2012 by FrustratedStandards

[maybealone]

I don't agree with what she is doing, but at the same time I think it would be ridiculous for her to break an entire family just to pursue some sexual needs. If she can fill that void and maintain a happy family, then in the end she is doing more good than bad.

 

I don't think this is only about sexual needs, mainly because I don't see how strange men (or, at least, men she is not in relationship with) can satisfy her but her husband cannot. If they are not communicating about their sexual issues, then that's a communication problem. If she talks and he doesn't care, then that's a selfish husband problem. If he can't last long enough to satisfy her, then that's a medical problem.

 

Women generally have better sexual experiences with men that they trust, so I really think there is more to this story than just sexual needs.

 

She is your sister and you will always love her, and if you need to justify it to yourself, than just believe that your sister is doing what she thinks is the best thing for her marriage and her kids. Please don't think it's healthy or a good example of a marriage, though. Just imagine how you would feel if this was your husband telling his brother about how sex outside of the marriage is the only thing keeping you and him together.

 

It's either she breaks an entire family, or remains in a sexless relationship. Neither are fair.

 

Wait, I thought they were having lots of sex, that he was a horndog, and that it just wasn't satisfying her? If I misunderstood, ignore the parts of my post above that deal with sexual needs.

[FrustratedStandards]

Wait, I thought they were having lots of sex, that he was a horndog, and that it just wasn't satisfying her? If I misunderstood, ignore the parts of my post above that deal with sexual needs.

 

No no you read correctly. They have sex, but it's just not good sex. At least, not for her.

[mesmerized]

No no you read correctly. They have sex, but it's just not good sex. At least, not for her.

 

Your sister is lying to you...it's not that her husband doesn't sexually satisfy her. A few one night stands a year wouldn't magically make her happy if that was the case and lets face it, one night stands are usually ****ty sex. The TRUTH is...She just loves the attention and the excitement/rush she gets when she is with new men. I've known similar cases who lied to me about this until I found the real reason behind their cheatings. Lighten up!

[FrustratedStandards]

Your sister is lying to you...it's not that her husband doesn't sexually satisfy her. A few one night stands a year wouldn't magically make her happy if that was the case and lets face it, one night stands are usually ****ty sex. The TRUTH is...She just loves the attention and the excitement/rush she gets when she is with new men. I've known similar cases who lied to me about this until I found the real reason behind their cheatings. Lighten up!

 

If what you're saying is true, and it makes sense, then I can understand why she does it. Doesn't mean its GOOD or I AGREE, but I get it. I love the new experience feelings too.

 

I guess she just got married so she wasn't alone her entire life. After all, what are the chances of falling inlove with someone who is a good fit for your life?

 

Close to zero. Then again she always wanted kids, and in order to have kids its in your best interest to get married. Otherwise you're just another single mom and your kids have daddy issues.

 

A poster on here was right, she has a few issues she needs to get to the bottom of.

 

Eeek. Thank goodness I hate children.

[mesmerized]

If what you're saying is true, and it makes sense, then I can understand why she does it. Doesn't mean its GOOD or I AGREE, but I get it. I love the new experience feelings too.

 

I guess she just got married so she wasn't alone her entire life. After all, what are the chances of falling inlove with someone who is a good fit for your life?

 

Close to zero. Then again she always wanted kids, and in order to have kids its in your best interest to get married. Otherwise you're just another single mom and your kids have daddy issues.

 

A poster on here was right, she has a few issues she needs to get to the bottom of.

 

Eeek. Thank goodness I hate children.

 

Exactly...A lot of people who cheat tend to put blame on their partners just to make it sound more justifiable to their audience. But the reality is they're just selfish and want to have it all. Your sister wants to have kids, have stability and sex in a marriage but also lives her fantasy single life, experience new things and prove to herself that she still is attractive and desirable. Whatever they do is about what is good for "them" not their partners or even their kids.

[Pyro]

I've been there before. I once dated a guy I liked, and he liked me back equally. I wasn't very attracted to him and there was a period of time where we didn't have sex for a few weeks. All of a sudden he comes back to me all affectionate and happy (when we had fought the night before and he decided to go out to a club). Immediately I knew he had slept with someone else, but I knew it was a one time thing.

 

I didn't mind it all that much, because he was off my back about the lack of sex, and there wasn't anymore tension. It didn't bother me because I knew he was mine, and I was his, and this sex thing was exactly that....a sex thing.

 

I don't believe in marriage, however. That is why I am shocked that people who actually decide to get married do so while still continuing their regular "single" habits. If you get married then thats permanent monogamy (or it should be). That's why I don't want to ever get married (even though i've never cheated before). But at least I know the option is there, and I feel less confined.

 

Whenever someone decides to get married, in my mind that means they want absolutely no one else and they are dead serious with this person. Maybe that was the case with my sister, but what happens when the attraction goes and the sex dies down? Are our libidos supposed to go with it? And if they don't?

 

Ugh. Marriage just creates more problems.

 

and how would you feel if your spouse who was having sex outside of your marriage gave you an STD such as herpes or AIDS? What if your spouse accidentally impregnated the other woman?

[Woggle]

I'm not going to get on my gender bashing kick again but threads like this really make me understand why some men just want to play around instead of commit. Ending up like this woman's husband is a man's worst nightmare.

[manup]

i agree with Woggle. People nowadays suck.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm not going to get on my gender bashing kick again but threads like this really make me understand why some men just want to play around instead of commit. Ending up like this woman's husband is a man's worst nightmare.

 

Just keep the genders out of it, because they are not of consequence. Being with a person like that would be a nightmare for most of us.

[robf1971]

Just keep the genders out of it, because they are not of consequence. Being with a person like that would be a nightmare for most of us.

 

Yep, and deep down her husband knows there is something wrong. One day he will find out.

[Woggle]

Just keep the genders out of it, because they are not of consequence. Being with a person like that would be a nightmare for most of us.

 

Yeah I know. I just cringe at the thought of ending up like him and let's be honest if it ever is exposed she will still get to play the victim and ruin him in court. That is the fault of the system though and not women in general.

[frozensprouts]

i hate to say it, but something about this story seems kind of odd...maybe i am reading too much into it...

 

If you don't agree with your sister's behavior, then don't agree with it, that doesn't mean you have to stop loving her, but you don't have to defend or agree with her behavior just because she is your sister

 

BTW... there really is no such thing as "safe sex" ( unless it's sex with a partner who is monogamous with you). there are diseases that condoms don't prevent, and at least one of them (syphilis) is every bit as deadly as HIV. By having many partners who are "one night stand", she increases her risk of being exposed to disease, unplanned pregnancy, etc., and when she goes home and has sex with her husband, she exposes him to these diseases too without his knowing...does that sound "loving" to you?

 

If your sister can't remain monogamous, then she should consider talking to her husband about it. Maybe they can come to some sort of arrangement whereby she ( and he) would be free to have sex outside the marriage. But as it stands right now, she is totally disrespecting him and acting in a way that it very unloving towards him, and her behavior may really have very little to do with sex at all. I'm sorry to say it, but she sound pretty selfish and also kind of cowardly- rather than do the hard work of talking to him about her issues and putting in the hard work it would take to try and fix them, she is taking the easy way out.

 

again, you can still love her because she is your sister, but that does not mean you have to justify her behavior.

[Steadfast]

...After all, what are the chances of falling inlove with someone who is a good fit for your life?

 

Close to zero.

 

Maybe I'm missing something here, but isn't that the purpose of dating? Maybe it's a sign of the times, but situations like these point to the pitfalls of instant gratification, tossed in with liberal doses of selfishness and shortsightedness. That mindset can be easily handled when buying shoes, but is doomed to failure where marriage and starting a family is concerned.

 

Falling in love and the rush of a new relationship is not love...it's attraction. People have a very difficult time distinguishing the difference between attraction and love. And while I believe we have little control over who we're attracted to, love...real love, is a decision. Lots of things need to be factored into what makes it work, like understanding that life gets hard sometimes. People handle the ups and downs of raising children...why don't they apply the same patience and direction to their marriages?

 

In the end, this 'sister' hasn't discovered anything except how to deal with her sense of obligation while remaining selfish and self-centered.

[PegNosePete]

I don't get it. You ask for opinions but when people give them, you get offended and jump to your sister's defence?

 

Calling your sister a liar and a cheat is not an insult. It is the truth. Like it or not, a liar and a cheat is exactly what she is.

 

As soon as I saw the title of this thread I immediately thought "those are the words of a cheater". She is trying to justify infidelity. Good luck to her WHEN her husband finds out. As Woggle said in the first reply, if it was me, it would be an instant divorce, do not pass go do not collect £200. She is lying to her husband every day, putting his life at risk from STD's and showing him absolutely no respect. If she wants an open marriage then it should be OPEN, not in secret.

[robf1971]

In the end, this 'sister' hasn't discovered anything except how to deal with her sense of obligation while remaining selfish and self-centered.

 

Some people just never grow up!

 

The only time she will learn to 'deal' with it is when her husband finds out and kicks her to the kerb. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

[Owl]

FS...you appear to have come here wanting to convince everyone else (and yourself) that what your sister is doing is "OK", is "RIGHT", is "NOT A BAD THING"...it doesn't appear to me that you're willing to open your eyes to the fact that what she's doing is wrong, harmful, and ultimately undermining her marriage and even her relationship with you.

 

You're here to defend your sister...you don't appear to be interested in hearing anything other than posts that appear to support her actions and choices.

 

You've got a choice at this point. You can either defend your sister and turn a blind eye to the fact that what she's doing is lying, cheating, and otherwise treating her husband terribly disrespectfully by doing what she's doing....or you can stop, listen to what folks here are telling you, and actually try to convince your sister to do the right thing instead.

 

The bottom line is this...what is it you want from posting this story on LS....and what are you going to do with the advice/viewpoints you get here as a result?

 

Either way, posting just to defend your sister isn't going to be successful...I don't see you convincing everyone else that what your sister is doing is in any way right, or beneficial to her marriage.

[beenburned]

If she wasn't getting orgasms, why not get a BOB?

[make me believe]

God I would be SO PISSED if my sister 'confessed' something like this to me. Especially if she showed no remorse for what she was doing to her husband and her family. All the time she spends getting dolled up for other men, going out, meeting guys, flirting with them, and then f*cking them is time taken away from her children and her husband. I would be so mad at my sister for saddling me with this information because I don't think there's any way I could act normal around my brother in law, knowing that his marriage is a complete sham and he seems to have no idea. Ugh.

 

 

Exactly...A lot of people who cheat tend to put blame on their partners just to make it sound more justifiable to their audience. But the reality is they're just selfish and want to have it all. Your sister wants to have kids, have stability and sex in a marriage but also lives her fantasy single life, experience new things and prove to herself that she still is attractive and desirable. Whatever they do is about what is good for "them" not their partners or even their kids.

 

YES. OP, your sister is 100% selfish. When she got married, she chose to give up dating, meeting other men, sleeping with them.. and any misplaced sense of validation she got from getting attention from them. Key word: she CHOSE this. People nowadays think they deserve it all. A stable family, a faithful man standing by her side, lovely children.... and a fun, exciting dating life on the side. Give me a break. There is absolutely no way to defend what she's doing. It's disgusting, and speaks volumes about her character that she can knowingly deceive her husband for all of these years and try to justify it by saying "he doesn't satisfy me sexually." If he doesn't or can't satisfy her sexually, then why did she marry him?! Especially unfair in this situation is it doesn't sound like she's ever actually talked to him about her dissatisfaction. Instead, she chose to step outside of her marriage and potentially mess around with her husband's health and mental wellbeing.

[Chi townD]

It's either she breaks an entire family, or remains in a sexless relationship. Neither are fair.

 

And how do you know that their marriage would remain sexless? I mean, did she talk to him about it? Did they see a Marriage Counselor? Did they see a Doctor about a possible medical condition that could be causing this? Did they see a sex therapist? I banking on.....no. She just took it upon herself to jump in the sack with anyone she had an interest in.

 

Okay, I totally understand that you are her sister. I get that, and it was totally unfair for your sister to unload this crap on you. Your sister has convinced herself that she saved her marriage by cheating. But the thing is, she utterly destroyed it. If she TRUELY and HONESTLY 100% loved her husband the guilt would be too much to bare and she could never look him in the eyes without falling apart. She's co-existing with him and co-parenting with him. Giving him "some" or more a less "craps" to keep him in-line. She thinks she saved a marriage, but be honest....it isn't a marriage. SHe's just telling herself that to justify what she's doing.

 

But, you are a good sister and she's going to need you very soon. Even though she's happy go lucky right now. Soon and VERY soon, her husband IS going to find out. And then she won't be all smiles and happy after he puts her out on her ass (so much for "saving the marriage"). She is the complete definition of a "cake-eater" she has the security of a loving family but is able to get her fantasies elsewhere. Once he finds out she's going to be hit with a hard dose of reality. He will divorce her, they'll have to sell off and divide all their assets. She will not have her children with her all the time and be with them anytime she wants. The support of watching and taking care of the kids will be her sole responsibility so her going out and hooking up for some wild sex will be on a BIG decline. She'll be strapped for money even with any child support. AND if you happen to live in an "at fault state" he has an excellent case to win FULL CUSTODY of the kids.

 

She didn't save a marriage....the marriage is a lie and doesn't exist. Just, her husband doesn't know it yet.

[frozensprouts]

 

 

YES. OP, your sister is 100% selfish. When she got married, she chose to give up dating, meeting other men, sleeping with them.. and any misplaced sense of validation she got from getting attention from them. Key word: she CHOSE this. People nowadays think they deserve it all. A stable family, a faithful man standing by her side, lovely children.... and a fun, exciting dating life on the side. Give me a break. There is absolutely no way to defend what she's doing. It's disgusting, and speaks volumes about her character that she can knowingly deceive her husband for all of these years and try to justify it by saying "he doesn't satisfy me sexually." If he doesn't or can't satisfy her sexually, then why did she marry him?! Especially unfair in this situation is it doesn't sound like she's ever actually talked to him about her dissatisfaction. Instead, she chose to step outside of her marriage and potentially mess around with her husband's health and mental wellbeing.

 

 

Not to be too personal or anything, but did your sister have sex with her husband before they were married? If so, the she must have known about his ability or lack thereof to "satisfy" her. ( unless there was some kind of drastic change)....

when she agreed to marry him and have children together, she would have known that he didn't turn her crank, but that didn't matter to her as much as getting married did, as she chose to get married. Why is it suddenly okay for her to change the rules now and say " I want it all... a stable, secure home life, a husband who loves me, and my little bit on the side too"...

trust me, her top priority is not her children, nor her husband, nor her marriage...it is herself and her gratification. She's either too lazy or too much of a coward to talk to her husband and try to work with him to make things better

( i know she's your sister and you love her, but that does NOT mean that you have to accept her behavior nor that you have to condone it...you say you hate children, but I figure you love your nieces/nephews enough to worry for them should this whole situation blow up in your sister's face...how will they feel then? Will her excuse of " i wasn't sexually satisfied so cheated on your dad" help solve the situation? just because she is your sister, that does not mean that you have to accept nor condone her behavior...if you think it's wrong, then it's wrong.)